This not-quite story will concentrate on every member from the Sirius's generation of the Black family...So I guess it makes five chapters? First one to go is Regulus. His peace is kind of depressive...well, probably most of them will be.
Summary for this chapter: Regulus muses about Sirius's leave.
I own completely nothing.
I can hear screams and cries but I stay sitting and observing. I can hear swears and curses flying around me but I stay sitting and observing. I can feel hatred and anger in the air but I stay sitting and observing.
I'm sitting hidden in the dark shadow where nothing can reach me, distanced from everything. I'm sitting and observing you. I'm sitting and asking myself. Why am I so cowardly hiding? I don't know the answer to that. Do I want to be the person I am? I don't know the answer. Do I want to be just like them? I don't know…
Red flash illuminates the whole room and you fall on your knees. You don't let out any sound. I'm not a coward when I'm just sitting and observing, am I? I'm just too scared! I'm scared of the suffering. That doesn't mean I'm a coward!
Your eyes make contact with mines even though they can't see me. Have you ever noticed how similar they were? The same shade of grey. Just like unpredictable stormy clouds how people like to describe them. The shape is a bit different though. And when you're more sensitive and don't concentrate only on color and shape, you can find the main difference, the important difference. Your eyes mirror hope, braveness and desire. Desire for better life. And my eyes? They are just two empty grey holes.
I envy you your ability of seeing hope everywhere, no matter how hopeless the situation looks like. Yes, I envy you brother and there's nothing I can do about that because I just can't be like you. I wish I could though.
Still looking into your eyes I whisper three simple words. "Hold on, brother." I know you can't hear me but that's alright. That's how it's supposed to be.
You have no idea how much it hurts seeing you kneeling in front of our own mother, pain visible in your face. I don't mean the physical pain, you've always handled that well, but the inside pain you've tried but never managed to hide. The pain I never want to experience. That's why I will never be like you. I don't want the pain to consume me just like it does consume you. So I'll just sit and observe like I've been doing for ages.
Hey bro, I remember the times you told me bedtime stories. One of them was about an evil wizard and his many companions. Back then I didn't understand the meaning of it. And nowadays I'm becoming a part of this dark story. Story that may look like an innocent game in the beginning but in the end it's pure evil.
That day when I was sitting on the chair with The Sorting Hat resting on my head, I made the greatest mistake of my life, mistake that can't be fixed, mistake that will haunt me forever. But the most horrible part is the fact that even you will take me as one of them – a murderer. I was just a naïve little boy who had a choice and completely screwed it. If I had chosen differently I would be standing by your side now. We would face all the problems together, as brothers. I would reach out my hand, grab yours and lift you up on your feet again. But I can't. You know that!
Mother finishes the spell she casted on you. I'm watching you how bravely you get up on your feet with your head held high. I admire how contemptuously you look at her. You're just never gonna change. But I can see something little different in your expression tonight. Is it smile on your lips? And then I understood.
You say those nasty words with a smile on your lips. A fucking smile! I didn't know that three simple words could hurt so much. I can't believe you really said them. I don't want to believe. "I am leaving."
We went our separate ways long time ago. But we were still brothers. Maybe not on the outside, but inside I still adored and admired my big brother. And maybe I thought you somehow knew it…and liked it. Maybe I thought you still took me as your little brother you had to protect. Maybe I was wrong. Otherwise you wouldn't leave me here alone. Life's not fair.
You're standing in the doorway with a suitcase in hand. Suddenly you stop. As if you have forgotten something. Wait a moment. Was it only my imagination or did your eyes just glanced at the dark corner under the stairs? The place where my hideout is? Is it possible that I wasn't wrong? No, I guess I'm just seeing things.
I could stop you. I could leave with you. I could but both of us know I wouldn't. I've made my choice years ago.
Door closes behind you. It's somehow terrifying…knowing that you are never going to walk through that door again. I feel cold and empty. You would probably laugh at me with your barky laugh of yours if you could hear my current thoughts.
"Goodbye, Sirius." I whisper without realizing it.
It's the coward in me that has won. Maybe someday I will find strength to stand up to the evil in this world. But for now, I'm a coward. For now that's how it's supposed to be.
"Son, dinner's on the table!"
My eyes can't help but wander to the black stain on the Black's family tree where used to be your portrait. Name Sirius Black is still visible though. Seeing it now makes me feel desperate. It's over. And there's nothing I can do about that.
"Coming, mother." I close my eyes.
I don't want to but I have to. Because my name is Regulus Black.