Six Left Feet - written by Corli
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Back in elementary school, the hobbits get dancing lessons in P.E. class.
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"What do you think we'll do today?" Pippin eagerly asked his cousins as the students spilt out of the classroom into the open air.
"Hopefully not Dodge Cabbage again," Frodo said, absently rubbing the fading bruise on his shoulder from last week's P.E. class.
"Can't be," Merry said, glancing around the sunny field. "No cabbages."
Ms. Proudfoot clapped her hands to get the class's attention. "Let's form a circle, everyone."
As the children began to carry out her order, Frodo turned to his cousins, asking, "I wonder why we aren't ever asked to form a triangle? Or a pentagon?"
"Because that would be STUPID?" Merry said, shoving his philosophical cousin towards the middle of the field.
Once a rough oblong had been formed, Ms. Proudfoot stood in the center and announced, "All right, children, today we're starting a new unit - we're going to begin to learn how to dance."
A general cry went up amongst the crowd - a cry of joy amongst the girls but a cry of horror amongst the boys.
"Why do WE have to learn to dance?" Merry asked.
"Yeah," Pippin agreed. "Dancing is stupid."
Ms. Proudfoot turned to Pippin, her hands on her hips. "Peregrin Took - I'm surprised at you! I would expect enthusiasm from such a musical lad."
Pippin crossed his hands across his chest in an angry pout, but his cousin Frodo spoke up for him. "Singing is one thing, Ms. Proudfoot, but dancing is another. I mean, dancing involves GIRLS!"
The girls all giggled as the other boys agreed with Frodo, making confirming statements such as "That's right" and "We don't want to touch the girls."
Ms. Proudfoot turned towards the speaker of the last comment as she explained, "The girls you don't want to touch today are the same girls you'll be DYING to touch in five or six years. But by then the lasses will only be interested in lads who are brilliant on the dance floor. So you see, I'm giving you boys the opportunity to grow up and BE those lads by starting to learn to dance when you're young."
As Ms. Proudfoot launched into a demonstration of the first step they were to learn, Merry leaned over to his cousins, whispering, "What a load of sheep shite. Who wants to be one of those lads anyway?"
"I do," Pippin said, eagerly following along with the teacher's steps. "Remember Uncle Ferdinand at the last family picnic? Everyone LOVED him because he was such a good dancer."
"No," Frodo said, "we loved him because he let us have sips of ale behind our parents' backs."
"Less talking, more dancing," Ms. Proudfoot said pointedly in their direction. "All right, everyone, let's go around the circle with this step. Everyone turn to your right and a one two three, one two three..."
It only took Pippin a moment to realize he'd turned to his left instead of his right, and he and Merry giggled as they collided head-on. Merry quickly turned his cousin around, but only moments later Pippin found himself on the ground, this time having collided with his other cousin.
"What happened?" Pippin asked, brushing the grass from his trousers before offering Frodo a hand up.
Frodo shrugged as Merry and the other children veered around the two of them, continuing with their steps around the circle. "I just tripped."
"Are you okay, Frodo?" Mrs. Proudfoot asked, hurrying over to them.
"I'm fine," Frodo nodded. "My mom just says that I haven't grown into my new feet yet."
Pippin's eyes grew wide with surprise. "You got new feet?" he asked, gaping down at his cousin's toes.
Ms. Proudfoot laughed. "It's just an expression, Pippin. What Frodo's mother means is that Frodo's feet have been growing so fast, the rest of him hasn't had time to catch up yet."
"You mean that's why he falls down all the time?" Pippin asked.
The teacher nodded. "I'm sure he'll grow more graceful as he gets bigger, won't you, Frodo?" Frodo nodded, and Ms. Proudfoot continued. "We have a term for it in dancing - if someone isn't particularly graceful, we say they have 'two left feet'."
Pippin looked confused as Ms. Proudfoot started back to the center of the circle. "But then their toes would be all backwards," Pippin said to Frodo, still confused.
The teacher clapped her hands to get everyone's attention. "That's looking great, everyone. I'm really proud of you. Now let's try adding in what's called a 'chasing step'."
"Oh, I know that one!" Pippin said, racing across the circle at Merry, who naturally started running away, and the two of them dodged in and out of the other children.
"No, now stop, you two!" Merry and Pippin stopped at Ms. Proudfoot's scolding and returned to Frodo's side, panting from the exertion. "The chasing step is not about chasing each other," the teacher explained. "It's about one foot chasing the other, like this," she said, demonstrating. "Now let's all start with our left foot..."
"Which left foot?" Pippin asked, and the group giggled.
Ms. Proudfoot ignored him and continued the demonstration, encouraging the children to follow her steps. After several minutes, she clapped her hands again, this time instructing, "Okay, now everyone needs to find a partner."
Before the three cousins could blink, Estella Bolger suddenly appeared, grabbing Merry by the hand as she said forcefully, "You can be my partner."
"Ew!" Merry said, trying to grab his hand away as his cousins laughed at him.
"Merry's got a girlfriend," Frodo teased.
Pippin instantly started singing, "Merry and Estella sitting 'neath a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-ouch!" Pippin quietly sulked, rubbing his sore shoulder, while Estella scolded Merry for punching his cousin.
Ms. Proudfoot suddenly appeared again. "Pippin. Who's your partner?"
Pippin shrugged, looking absently around. "I don't have one."
Frodo nodded. "Me neither."
The teacher glanced about the field. "Well, it seems there are more boys than girls today, so I guess you two can be partners."
Pippin and Frodo jumped up and down excitedly as Ms. Proudfoot walked away, calling out instructions to the class. "Each couple needs to face another couple so that you form a square."
"There you go, Frodo ," Merry said as he and Estella moved to face his two cousins as demonstrated "You wanted another shape, and now you've got one."
"Make sure that the boy is on the left," Ms. Proudfoot called out.
"That's easy to remember," Estella said as Merry and Frodo each traded sides with their partners, "because girls are always RIGHT."
"Nuh-uh," Merry retorted.
"Now everyone watch," Ms. Proudfoot said. "Next, we're going to apply the steps we just learned, but first we're going to just walk through the figure so we know where we're going. Now the first move we're going to do is called the 'lasses chain' - the girls go across the square, taking each other's right hand..."
Estella moved into the square, extending her right hand. "C'mon, Pippin," she said impatiently.
Pippin stared blankly at her. "'C'mon' what?"
Estella sighed. "You're the girl - you're supposed to take my hand."
Pippin's eyes grew wide with shock, exclaiming, "I'm not a girl!" as his two cousins bent over with laughter.
"One of you has to do the girl's part," Estella explained frustratedly. "And you're on the right, so it has to be you."
"But I don't want to be the girl!" Pippin insisted. He grabbed his cousin and tried to shove him into position. "YOU be the girl, Frodo!"
Frodo shook his head as he stood his ground. "-I- don't want to be the girl. And Estella's right - you're on the right, so it has to be you."
Pippin stomped his foot angrily against the ground. "It isn't fair. I didn't know about the 'right' thing."
"Too bad," Merry taunted. "See? I guess having a girl partner isn't looking so bad now, is it?"
Ms. Proudfoot's sigh reached the group before her skirts did. "What seems to be the problem, gentlehobbits?"
"Pippin's being a brat," Estella explained.
"Nuh-uh! I just don't want to take her hand," Pippin pouted, crossing his hands tightly across his chest. "And I don't want to be the girl."
"But Pippin, you were doing such a lovely job with the steps earlier," Ms. Proudfoot crowed, making Pippin's face crack with a smile. "And you aren't really a 'girl' - that's just the dancing term for it."
"'Dancing term'? You mean like 'two left feet'?" Pippin asked excitedly.
Ms. Proudfoot laughed. "Exactly. Now Pippin, as I explain the dance today, you just follow all the parts for the 'girls', okay? But that's just the dancing term - we all know you're not really a girl."
Pippin smiled and nodded, and Ms. Proudfoot walked back to the center of the field to call out directions to the class.
"Now we need a dancing term for Merry," Pippin announced as he crossed the square past Estella and began to circle Merry, just like Ms. Proudfoot was demonstrating.
"What do you mean?" Estella asked, clearly confused.
"Well," Pippin explained as he crossed by Estella again to circle his other cousin. "Frodo is 'two left feet' and I'm a 'girl'. So Merry needs a dancing term, too, so we can all match."
"How about 'stupid'?" Estella teased as she elbowed Merry playfully in the ribs.
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