It had been weeks. The push for autonomy had been hard to escape, but the more they tried to wedge them apart, the more Trip focused on staying together. Virus was, for the most part, indifferent to it. There were nights as far back as he could remember that he turned the younger boy away, and even more than he scooped him up after he'd fallen asleep and dutifully returned him to his own bunk. He almost always got caught by the guards along the way but moved with indifference, commenting as he passed that he was merely following the set rules. True, he was out of the bunk after lights out, but he was doing so to uphold the rules on fraternization. They rarely did anything more than roughly command him back as soon as possible.
It had been a long time since he'd been able to carry Trip, though. He wasn't even sure when it had happened, truthfully. It seemed like he'd been a gangly boy-child just a week ago, but now he took up more than half the bed and was nearly Virus' own height. Soon he'd probably be even taller. He certainly weighed more already. They spent a lot more nights together now.
Trip had begun to wake up in the early hours before the lights came on and they were ordered to line up. It was always a terrible shock when he didn't, both Virus and himself screamed awake, the latter dragged roughly backwards out of the tiny bed. His eyes wide and teeth grit, he twisted in their hold, pulled across the floor with his feet dragging uselessly behind. He rarely made a sound and never spoke, knowing it was useless to even try.
The only one who ever listened was Virus.
For his part, the blond watched him, his pale eyes a bit wider than he would've thought, his glasses still dangling from the hook on the post of the upper bunk. The further away they dragged him, the more of a smear he became, Trip disappearing completely through the doorway in mere seconds. Virus always played it off coolly when he was interrogated afterward, the same as when he was caught returning the younger boy to the bunks himself.
"I don't know when he snuck in," he always insisted apathetically, his hands held palm-forward in front of him. "He comes in on his own. I don't invite him. I didn't know he was here until just now."
Some of the others knew better, but they would not speak out of turn. It all sounded good enough when written in the reports as it was. As always, Virus had continued being the Good One and Trip remained the Bad One. More and more marks against him, a gradual tightening of his liberties. It didn't matter to him. They couldn't take the one thing that drove him forward away. Not for long.
It had been nearly three weeks since they'd last seen each other, the hallway patrols near nonstop since the last incident. Though Virus still enjoyed his free time, Trip had been suspiciously absent. He didn't worry about it much, wouldn't worry about it much. It would all be fine. It always had been before. There was no need to think this time would be different.
That's what he'd told himself day after day after day. He was focused during tests and trials, he was engrossed in gossip during meals, he slept soundly the nights he didn't have insomnia and idly daydreamed about the future when he did. Free time, though, had become Trip's time. The time they spent alone, set aside from the rest of their peers, talking quietly to themselves, laughing softly and leaning a little too close.
Three weeks had passed and Virus sat alone, watching everyone around him with a dull disinterest. People watching was more fun with a partner and he was beginning to wonder how it was that he'd ever done so much of it before Trip. He'd blamed the younger boy for his boredom at first, muttering under his breath about how he just couldn't follow the rules and spoiled all of their fun. Each break now was filled with a low-grade anxiety, imagining all of the things that could be keeping them apart.
Did he get solitary? Had he been discharged from the program despite his raw talent?
Was he still alive?
Those thoughts were dangerous and he tried not to dwell on them. They were the ones that would be his undoing, if he let them. They tugged at him in ways nothing else ever had and he didn't like feeling ensnared. He felt that he should be able to brush the boy off, just as he'd always told himself he could. He didn't like the way it felt when he was forced to.
It was a quiet relief when that weight sunk into the bed next to him. 23 days since the last time they'd laid eyes on each other. Longer than it had been in years. Without hesitation, his arms had reached out over the mattress, pulling his companion close before he could settle in too far away. He needed him to be real. He needed to feel him impossibly close.
They didn't speak for a long time. Maybe hours, maybe minutes. It was hard to judge. They just laid there, tangled beneath the thin sheet. Virus' fingers sifted into his coarse hair, twisting it and petting it, remembering just how it had felt before. His nose rested at the crown of his forehead, his lips against his brow. Trip trembled slightly in his embrace but stayed right where he was.
Virus was still awake when the boy wrenched upright, a breathless scream on his lips. He panicked, his thin, spider leg fingers clamping over his mouth. It wasn't unusual for any of them to have nightmares, but it would be trouble if the guards came to check all the same. He held him tightly, both shaking from adrenaline, staring around in the darkness for what had been so terrifying. Virus laid a dozen tiny kisses on his face and head, murmuring softly to him, trying to calm him down.
"I'm here," he said softly, the tinge of nervousness and fear on his voice. "You're here, I'm here. You're awake. You're safe. It was a dream. You're okay. Listen to my voice. Listen to me. I'm here. I'm real."
Twice it happened that night, though the second time was with a horrible gasp rather than a thin scream. Virus collected him again, even more afraid that they would be interrupted, pleading with Trip to calm down, to trust him, to stay in the moment with him. He threatened to drug him, to weasel the sleeping pills they'd given him for his insomnia out of their hiding place and into Trip's mouth. If he woke a third time, he would have to. He would have to, and then have to figure out how to get him back in his own bed before roll-call.
Trip slept fitfully and woke again, calmly, a few hours later, just in time to slip back to his bunk down the hall. Whether or not he got caught along the way, Virus did not see him again for days. Though it should have been a relief to have the delinquent back in his life, his inability to sleep had bothered him to the core. They all had nightmares, especially when they were younger, but this was…
He didn't worry about Trip. There was nothing to worry about, really. He moved throughout his daily routine, mentally checking off the days until his birthday. He'd be 21 this year, unless he'd somehow lost track of the time. They were talking about it again. The phrase 'psyche eval' had been thrown around again. The sign that they were thinking about promoting him. That he might be performing well enough to continue upward. Maybe he'd even get his own room this time. Maybe he'd finally escape the rows of white beds and steel frames. Maybe he'd finally leave this hallway.
It was nearly a week before Trip came back. He wanted to talk to him so badly, to hold him and whisper to him about all of the excitement that was building inside of him. He pulled him close again, pulling him up as he settled into his usual, low curl. He wanted to be face to face tonight so they could share their experiences.
Trip was quiet as he listened to Virus' stories, seeming almost disinterested as he told him about some new test or some kind of change to his schedule. Virus had mentioned in passing that he'd heard 'the magic words' and his heart had contracted painfully in his chest. It was hard to focus on anything he said after that point.
The blond noticed after a few minutes and a strange wash of concern moved across his mind. He trailed off, his eyes searching the vague outline of his face in the dark. It was sharper now. He'd grown into his round, doughy face. He was growing up.
"You've grown a lot," he said, trying to seem casual about his change of subject. "You're going to be bigger than me soon."
Trip shrugged in his arms, saying nothing in response.
"How are you feeling?' he tried, the silence picking at him, uncomfortable and unwanted. "You had terrible nightmares last time."
"Fine," Trip replied softly, his voice rough from disuse. He'd probably not spoken in weeks at this point.
"What did they do to you?" he inquired bluntly, finding that it only got worse the more he tried to avoid talking about it. As much as he'd tried to tell himself he didn't care, that it didn't bother him, Trip's demeanor was eating away at him. He needed to know.
"Nothing," came the response, still hoarse and almost inaudible.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah. It's just the same stuff."
There was a small amount of relief with he spoke more than a single word. 'Just the same stuff.' That didn't need concern. He didn't have to worry. He wouldn't worry. He wasn't worried. He hadn't worried. Everything was as it had been.
His fingers traced Trip's cheek, feeling how it had hollowed out some since the last time he'd done so. When had that been? He didn't remember. Did Trip look this way before? Maybe he had. Maybe they'd looked this way for a long time. Maybe he was skinny and angular and Trip was thick and handsome. Handsome? It was too dark to tell.
The thought wasn't unpleasant. He didn't rebel against it immediately. It was a safe sort of whim. To find Trip attractive. It was okay to entertain the thought. For his interest to be purely biological. It didn't bother him that Trip was male or that he was so much younger or that he may have been horribly abused in their time apart. He could still be affectionate to him, with reason. Attraction was as good a reason as any. Was easy. Was safe.
"You're so quiet," he murmured, his nose brushing lightly against his companion's. The boy shrugged, not having anything worth responding. Virus' eyes searched him, fingers playing with the tuft of hair just before his ear.
"Why are you so quiet?"
Trip took in a deep breath and sighed, shifting uneasily on the mattress beside him.
"…you said they said the magic words."
Virus' heart raced momentarily. Had he said that? Yes, he had. Of course. Of course Trip would be upset about that. It was perfectly logical. Made perfect sense. But it was the truth. He'd heard those words and the unspoken promise that came with them. There was no reason to hide it from him. No reason to lie. He should know, after all.
"They did. 'Psyche eval.' They're going to do it on my birthday."
"Mn."
The lack of clear response made the blond uncomfortable, his low-grade energy still rising. What should he say? Why was this a problem? No, he knew why. But that was silly. It was silly to think that Trip would be left behind. He always came back. Always.
"I'm going to have them take you with me," he promised, though they both knew it was well beyond his power to do so. "I'm not going to leave you here. You're coming with me, if I go. Don't worry."
Trip sighed again, though this time a bit more shakily. There was a soft sound with his sigh, almost a whimper but only half-formed. He didn't speak, and couldn't. He wouldn't voice his concern. He wouldn't question Virus' methods. He had to trust and he did trust. Completely.
The silence was unbearable for the older boy, his tenuous balance shifting by the moment. How this thought hadn't occurred before now, he didn't know. Maybe because he didn't care about it before now. Before Trip was here again. Before he was real again. Before he had to tell him to his lovely, maturing face that he wouldn't be here anymore. That he would be alone again.
"Can I try something?"
Trip nodded slightly, his eyes staring dully forward in the dark. When Virus made no move, he gave a soft, strained, 'yeah.'
A few more moments passed before he moved, his fingers trailing down the younger boy's cheek to press below his chin. He lifted his face gently, slowly, as if trying not to spook a wild animal. He leaned forward and his lips just barely grazed Trip's, hesitant and perhaps a little afraid.
Afraid?
No.
They pressed against Trip's firmly, with tentative resolution. He asked, he confirmed, it was okay, just once. Just once to see how it felt. To see what it was like to kiss those full lips and hold him close and to feel a real, honest connection between them.
Trip held his breath, his head turning slightly to press back, his heart thumping more quickly in his chest than before. They remained that way for a bit too long, until they both felt awkward. They broke slowly, the soft sound seeming to echo in the still room. Was anyone else awake? Had anyone else heard them? Did they know what that sound was? Would they tell on them? Would they care?
"How did that make you feel?"
Trip swallowed thickly, trying to find his voice again. Trying to find the words. Trying to suss out just what he felt.
"Warm."
Virus smiled in the dark, happy that he hadn't made some sort of mistake. 'Warm.' That was a word with a distinctly positive connotation, at least in this situation. His own heart was beating quickly in his chest, though he couldn't say why. It wasn't as if it was his first kiss. It wasn't as if he hadn't gone even further than this with another person. It was silly that his heart was beating so quickly, but there was little he could do about it.
"I feel… fluttery. Good," he replied, both to confirm to himself and to Trip.
"Good," Trip repeated, as if trying to solidify it between them.
"We should do that sometime," Virus continued, quite close still, his breath easy to feel on his skin.
"Whenever you want," Trip agreed, voice low.
"Whenever you want, too," the older blond gently corrected.
Hesitating only a moment, Trip moved to close the space between them once more, his kiss a bit off-center and far too chaste for Virus' liking. There were trickles of familiar pleasure moving lower and lower across his body. There was no mistaking what the sensation was, though he certainly wouldn't be acting on it. He wanted more, but he would be patient. Not tonight. Small steps. Test the water. Introduce everything slowly. Don't frighten this tenuously tamed creature.
As they parted, he could feel Trip's eyes on him in the dark. Waiting, expecting a response. He leaned forward to brush their noses together, smiling even wider.
"It's okay," he offered somewhat flippantly. "I like it."
With that, he pulled the younger boy close, tucking him against his side. It wasn't the best way their bodies fit together, but it would have to do for now. There were things preventing a proper spooning situation, and it most certainly wasn't getting dealt with now. He knew Trip would find this decidedly unfulfilling, especially with how uneasy and upset he was, but he would make it up to him some other time.
It would be easy to move forward now. The boy trusted him. He trusted his sincerity. He had something Trip seemed to want, even if neither of them could place exactly what it was. He could trust Trip not to push too hard, if he told him not to. He could maneuver them into position. He could eliminate the need for concern. He could moved them forward together.
Though it would've been nice to remain as they were, Virus ensured that his companion was up, awake and out of the room at least half an hour earlier than usual. There was no room for mistakes now. He'd been awake the whole night, from willing away his arousal to slight paranoia and insomnia settling in. Trip slept soundly for the brief time he did, and he was somewhat grateful for that. It was likely not the end of his troubles, and there was very little that could be done about them.
They were allowed to resume interaction in the days following, and Virus was satisfied that it seemed nothing had changed. Trip looked exhausted and wary, but did not cause any scenes. They picked up where they had left off as if he'd never been gone and as if they'd never shared that moment of undeniable intimacy. Virus appreciated that, as he wasn't yet ready to confront what had happened himself.
At night, he found his thoughts wandering when Trip did not, his hand slipping beneath his sheets to ease the ache he'd left there that night. It never seemed to cease, just as his lingering thoughts never ended anywhere but on his younger companion. He wouldn't think on it any more than he did anything else about Trip, and his fingers did as they knew best to bring him closure whenever he needed it.
There was no need to worry about it now. There was plenty of time for them to sort it out later.