Disclaimer: It isn't mine. It belongs to the BBC, the nasty evil people. They're the reason I keep having trouble with the licence fee people. Grr.
Summary: Everyone has a breaking point. Perhaps the Doctor and Rose have found theirs? Post-Doomsday, with some of my "crafty" plot changes… (that is, I changed the ending for my own amusement and purposes.)
Rating: T. Part 3 might have to go up to M, so beware! LOL as if that'd put you off!
Part 1/3, probably…
A/N: And so, I have finally succumbed to the post-Doomsday 'what could have been' mulch. This is yet another version on what might have happened if Rose had only held onto that lever for a little while longer. I hope you don't hate me for it. Please review! Jen xx
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I'll give you everything but I won't give you up.
It has been at least two hours since she last said anything. She is sitting on the floor of the TARDIS, back against the wall, seemingly not noticing as he runs around madly in order to close every last gap left between this universe and the next. And there, somewhere in that gap- in that insatiable void- is the stuff of nightmares, the stuff he knows will surely come back to haunt him one day. Evil doesn't disappear easily; it always returns no matter what. Permanence is a figment of an idealist's imagination, he knows.
He glances over at her as he works, his hearts pounding against his rib cage as he keeps an eye on the slow rise and fall of her chest, terrified at the fragility of this; this thing that they share, the space between them that threatens to gape and tear them apart, this delicate shell-like existence. He hopes that she isn't already broken.
He presses buttons without thinking about it, doing what he has to without much thought for the consequences of his actions. It hurts too much to think about that. He is trapping her here with him now, sealing her off from the family she should have stayed with to be safe and happy on a new world without him. He cannot tell her how glad he is that she came back to him; it makes him sound selfish and weak for not having the strength and defiance to send her away again. She almost died because of him today.
A couple of suitcases and a box sit at her feet, possessions and important items from her mother's flat packed away neatly and compactly. She has become a true traveller now- all ties with Earth severed now she has no reason to return. He can see the regret in her eyes as she looks up at him, eyes wide and wet with so many unshed tears. She rises slowly, gripping the rail for support when her legs wobble slightly with the effort. 'Tea?' she asks quietly.
He nods, knowing she needs these little normalities to make everything seem all right again. 'Please,' he replies, stopping his current task to turn and look at her properly.
She gives him a small, sad smile and turns her back on him. She has not walked more than a few steps away when his voice stops her dead in her tracks.
'You should have stayed with your mother,' he says quietly.
Her head drops, but he can still see her nod. 'I know,' she admits, and he can hear the tears in her voice.
'I'm glad you didn't though,' he continues before he can stop himself.
She nods again. 'I know,' she whispers.
'I should have sent you back again, to be safe.'
She begins to shake. 'Probably.'
He can hear the tears in her voice, but it isn't until he tells her how desperately sorry he is that she really begins to cry. 'I'm so sorry,' he says, and she turns around to face him, silent tears rolling down her cheeks. She makes no sound other than a slightly ragged breath every few seconds. It kills him to see her like this, knowing deep down that this is all his fault. He goes to her. He takes her in his arms and holds her tight against his body, letting her cry until her tears soak through his shirt to make his skin damp. She mumbles something into his chest but he doesn't quite catch it. 'Rose?' he asks her quietly.
She pulls her head away from him slightly, staring at the hollow of his throat as she answers him, her voice thick with anguish. 'Do you want me to leave?' she stutters out, flexing her hands against his chest as though she is unsure of what to do with them.
The Doctor shakes his head in astonishment, holding her more tightly and hoping like hell that she doesn't think he wants her to leave. He hopes she doesn't want to leave. 'What would make you think that?' His voice is slightly surprised, and caring and affectionate and laced with worry. Something inside him breaks.
She hiccups as she tries to calm her breathing, not wanting him to see the extent of her devastation. 'You sent me away but I came back anyway,' she whispers, resting her forehead against his collar bone so he can't see her shatter.
'Rose,' he breathes out. 'I just… I just wanted you to be safe. I didn't want you to leave me.' He drops his head to rest on top of hers. 'I couldn't bear to watch you die, not like that. Not when you could be safe with your family in the other universe.'
'I screwed it up.'
'No!' He almost shouts the word, pulling away to grasp her firmly by the shoulders. 'No, you didn't screw anything up, Rose. You… You were amazing. It was all my fault, really. I put you in that awful situation and I put your life on the line. I almost lost you… And then I go and almost kill you.'
She takes a deep breath, pushing all thoughts of her mother and father and Mickey out of her mind. She can't let him feel guilt like this, not when he's just risked everything to save the stupidly ignorant human race. 'But it's all okay, Doctor. We're both still here, yeah? It's all right now.' She slides her arms around his waist and pulls him into a hug, all the emotions she has been trying to bottle up pushing closer and closer to the surface once more.
He shuts his eyes, tilting his head back so she can't see the tear that leaks out to run down his face. 'How can you be so forgiving?' he whispers. 'How can you comfort me when I take you away from your family and then put you in the line of fire? You should hate me.'
'But I don't,' she says insistently. 'I don't hate you. And it was my choice to come back, yeah? I said I'd never leave you and I meant it. And plus… That wouldn't have been such a bad way to die, I guess. We were doing what we always do best: saving the world. Dying then wouldn't have mattered if it meant everyone else lived.'
'God, Rose,' he growls, more to himself than to her. 'Can't you see? Can't you see you're worth so much more than that?'
She breaks then. The lump in her throat dissolves in one go as the meaning of his words ensconces around her. He means that she is worth more to him than the entire human race put together and if it came down to it, he would have a tough time deciding whether to save the Earth or her, six billion lives hanging in the balance. And today, he tried to save both. She realises how terrified he must have been when she came back and told him that she wanted to help him, knowing that if something went wrong he might not be able to save her this time. She can't believe she's done this to him. 'I'm sorry,' she says, echoing a phrase she has heard him say too many times. 'I'm so sorry.'
He holds her close once more, her body shaking violently in his arms. 'It's not your fault, angel,' he tells her, though he knows his words will be meaningless to her. 'None of this is your fault.' All he can do is hold her as the weight of the universe settles around her shoulders, pushing against her with that all too familiar pulsing sensation he has come to know so well over the years. His gaze wanders over to the suitcases by the wall and feels a sharp tug deep inside him. One woman's life condensed down into three suitcases and a box of mementos. It doesn't seem enough, somehow.
Putting Jackie on the list of the missing had been the hardest part. He had told Rose they had to do it, a look of sympathy on his face and a feeling of dread spreading through him. He had expected her to protest, to yell and to object, but she had sat silently in her mother's too-quiet living room, simply nodding and blinking back tears. He had left her sitting there whilst he made a brief statement to the police, not surprised when he came back to find her in the exact same position she had been in when he left. He had taken her away from the flat then, knowing that staying there any longer would probably drive her insane. As they had gone back into the TARDIS, he felt an emotion spreading through him. He couldn't decide if he should call it hopelessness or hope, knowing that there was often not a lot to distinguish one from the other. Rose had lost her mother, but she had gained a whole new life of opportunities with him, if she would only take it. He had almost lost her, but she was still here, holding his hand- too tightly, as though she was scared he would disappear if she let go.
And now, here they stand, bodies pressed together as they seek comfort and life in each other's arms. Only a few cracks in space and time remain, but he is finding it hard to extract himself from her embrace so he can go and heal them. To do so would be to make everything final, to admit that this is the way things are now, and he can't quite bring himself to do that to her. Not now, not yet. 'Rose,' he whispers into her hair. 'You wanted some tea?'
He feels her nod hesitantly against him and he pulls back to look into her eyes. She opens her mouth as if to speak, then closes it again and he knows that she is biting on the inside of her cheek. There is a vacant look on her face that he can't quite decipher, but he suspects she is trying to hold herself together whilst working through the vast array of emotions he knows must currently be coursing through her.
He wants to tell her that it's okay to let it all go; he will be here to catch her if she falls. Instead, he settles for taking her by the hand and gently, slowly leading her towards the kitchen to make some tea. One small step at a time, he decides.
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A/N: I'll love you if you review. Next part should be up by Saturday, but definitely by this time next week. Jen xx