This story is a parody I wrote with animebookworm211. If you haven't read any of her stuff, go check her out, she's amazing!
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A Tour of Sesshomaru's Castle
Welcome, commoners, to the ancestral castle of this Sesshomaru. As you are no doubt aware, this is the first time in history that this noble dwelling has been open to the public. You are the first group of pathetic humans to ever be privileged with this grand tour, and you are to display servile gratitude throughout. Is that quite clear?
Good. Now, on with the tour.
The first stop is the entrance hall. Here, you may observe this lovely frog-shaped reddish-brown wall painting. Any resemblance to a splatter of toad demon blood is entirely coincidental.
The second stop is the "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" chamber, in which I express my jubilation at Kagura's death by destroying wind-chimes with maniac glee.
And here, we have the portrait gallery … do not ask about the slash marks on my father's portrait's face. I was young and drunk, which brings us to our next room…
… The winery! Here, I am told, human blood is distilled and mixed with grapes to form a delicious libation that causes drunken dancing and singing from Jaken. "What about Lord Sesshomaru," you ask? No, this Sesshomaru is not a happy drunk, as my father's portrait can attest. Let us move on.
When my Inuyasha and Kagome visit, they usually stay in thi – WHOA, never mind, let's … go over here … somewhere … AHEM moving on … sorry about my brother, young people.
The Fluff Room, here, is where I keep is where I keep all my beautiful, useless, and sadly misunderstood accessories – I invented it myself!
This is the playroom, filled with all the toys of this Sesshomaru's great youth … most of which, as you can see, were broken centuries ago by my wretched half-brother.
This filthy hole is Jaken's chamber. As you can see, it is filled with sake bottles, pond scum, and gentleman's magazines. There, in the corner, is the staff of two heads… what is this? Why are you laughing? What is so funny about that name? Is there some veiled sexual reference I fail to understand?
Ah, well… these two closed doors are the chambers belonging to Rin. I refuse to show these chambers because it would be exploitative, and the Department of Child Services would send yet MORE social workers, and they are very, very hard to kill.
What is that you ask? Where is this Sesshomaru's chamber? A good question, mortal, though it is impudent. I shall, however, let it slide just this once. In answer to your question – this Sesshomaru does not require a chamber, for he does not require sleep. Aren't you glad you asked?
And now, for the last stop on our tour… the weapons chamber. Here, you see displayed all the ancient, noble, deadly and Freudian weapons Totosai has crafted for the House of the Western Lands. Here are the fragments of Tokijin… the only one not made by Totosai… and on my person you can see Bakusaiga, crafted from this one's own fang.
This empty case… ah yes, rather a sore point for me. That case was to house Tetsusaiga… but as you are no doubt aware, that sword… never fell into this one's permanent possession… but that is in the past.
I'm glad you enjoyed our tour. But now that you have seen all this, you must die.