Title: Ocean
Sum: One day... isn't going to just happen along on a white horse and sweep her away...
Disclaimer: I do not own Once Upon a Time, or its associated characters-I'm just borrowing them for a bit of fun.
Rating: T
Characters/Pairings: [SwanQueen]; Regina Mills, Emma Swan, Henry Mills
Warnings/Triggers: Suicidal thoughts, very angsty
Notes: It starts off really angsty... or at least as angsty as I can write. But if you can reach the end, it gets better. Inspired by the gifset post using the same quote by darkparadiseprodz on tumblr.
You should've seen the way she was looking at you
It's like any other day. The sun is shining. The grass is growing. The birds with their incessantly annoying chirping just outside the window. Even the emptiness of her heart is a normality. Yes. The emptiness. A raging void just deep within the walls of her ribcage, between her lungs. Almost as if the very appendage had been ripped from her flesh by ice cold fingers and a fiery hot hands. But it still sat within the confines of her chest. Beating away. Promises of "one day…" still echoing in the back of her mind.
But "one day" isn't going to come. "One day" isn't going to just happen along on a white horse and sweep her away like all of those wretched fairy tales. She knows this. But still her heart aches for what her brain knows will never occur. "One day" hah, like she deserves it.
But… she still yearns.
Everyday, they see each other. At the diner. Or on the street. Sometimes in her office, if the blasted woman ever showed up for their weekly meetings. She'd grown fond of their altercations. Each time the damnable woman entered her personal space, her devastated heart would speed up. The shatter organ would cause her head to spin with its sudden activity. Elation would coat her skin in what was assumed to be a rage filled blush. But no…
Her skin would alight. Fire would crawl beneath her skin. Heat would warm her cold blood.
And she felt alive.
But…
"Why are you doing this Mom?" And her elation is gone. Replaced with the ache. The emptiness. The loss of a love she now felt she never deserved. "Why can't you just accept… that you've lost?" His words echo around her skull. Even as she stares ahead in her empty bedroom. Haunted by the memories of her past. Haunted by the phantoms of an inexcusable history of pain, and hatred… and death. "The Savior is here. And I will make her believe. And she will stop you, Mom." And again, she is forced back into her cave. Back into her darkness. Into her emptiness.
Laying her head on her knees, a sound escapes her lips. It is harsh. And unforgiving.
And again. It escapes, louder.
And again. It's agonizing.
She feels them drop from her eyes lids. What little make-up she had neglected to wash off the night before is now painting her sunken cheeks.
No one cares.
Why does no one care?
"Henry…" She cries. Sobbing. Blubbering into herself. Her body in an upright fetal position. Closed off. Whether she tries to close off herself, or close out the world… she is unsure.
She just wants the pain to stop.
She just wants the emptiness…
...to go away…
...like you're the ocean...
It's been days.
Weeks.
Months.
Who knows.
But the only light she's seen… is the one peeking through her curtains.
The curse was broken. The people were free. Her son… had chosen the other woman.
And her house was in shambles. They'd thrown rocks. Torches. Planks of wood. Anything they could get their hands on. And she's done nothing. Instead…
She'd mourned. The loss of her happy ending. The loss of her family-her mother, her father, her first love… her son. The loss of a life she'd grown accustomed to. A life she'd grown to be affectionate for. She'd had her son. He was all she'd needed. And now…
"Regina?" The clack of a booted heel echoed on the tile of her foyer. Even from her study, the brunette would recognize that boot… and that voice. The sound of that same boot coming into contact with the glass from her broken windows caused her to lift her head. It having found a home on her knees as she huddled behind the desk in her study, her right hand holding a half-empty tumbler of scotch. She'd run out of cider weeks ago, now she wished for the ache to go away, not just dull. "I know you're here. No one has seen you leave since the curse broke." She chuckled softly from her spot, and this seemed to draw the attention of the house's guest. Quick booted steps led the blonde sheriff… no… the Savior to her hiding spot. And she peered up at the woman in her disheveled state. "What the…"
"Have you come to gloat, Savior?" She shot. Lifting the tumbler to her lips, she drank down the rest of the glass and let the hand fall limply back into her lap as she let her head fall to rest against the wall behind her. "You've won. You've got your mother… your father…" She paused. "You've got… the town." No… "You've got…" Another pause as her throat closed, tears clouding her eyes. I will not cry in front of this vile woman.. "You've taken my son from me." Looking down at the empty tumbler, a sardonic smile stretched across her lips. "It seems all that is left to take… is my life." She moved her eyes to the blonde woman then. "Have you come to take that from me as well?" A dark sound filtered up out of her throat, between her stained lips and into the stale air. "Did they send you to finish the job? To do what Snow could not? To finally execute the Evil Queen?"
The blonde did not move. Her eyes-god those eyes-stormed with emotion. None of which the brunette could name, her inebriated mind too numb to process anything that blonde may be trying to convey with her expressive irises. "No… Regina." She took a few steps forward, and kneeled on the floor in front of the drunk former mayor. "You've been in here… all alone… since the curse broke… and before." She paused, lifting a hand to move the brunette's dirty hair from her tear-stained face. "Henry won't admit it… but he's worried about you. He's just too stubborn to come over here himself." She smirked then. "Wonder who he got his bullheaded-ness from."
"Don't look at me… the Charmings on the ones who refuse to give up, Miss Swan. I just want…" She paused, as a single drop of salty liquid dropped from the corner of her eye. "I… just want… to be happy." Her body relaxes against the wall instantly as the dam breaks. Tears pour from her tightly closed eyes as heart-wrenching sobs fall from her mouth. The blonde is shocked at the sudden change in the woman, but not all unprepared. The sheriff moves to sit and instantly pulled the broken woman into her lap. Rocking the woman, and trying everything she can to calm the woman and let her cry it out. "Why… why couldn't he come?" Came the question through her quieted sobs.
"He… he wanted too… Regina. He really did." The blonde paused. "But…"
"But? What? Was he afraid I would…"
"He was afraid… of not finding you Regina." The brunette's hands fisted the blonde's plain white shirt as another sob tore through her throat. "He… he's young. He knows what he… what he's been doing was tearing you apart…" The tears started to speed up again, and after the brunette had believed she'd nothing left to cry over. "He asked me to check on you… because he was too scared to walk inside the house." The brunette moved then, peering up at the blonde. "He's been by everyday. Right after school. Hoping to see you… if only a glimpse."
"No… I would have noticed, Miss Swan. My son hates me." The blonde sighed then.
"Regardless. You can't drink yourself to death." The sheriff stood then, taking the former mayor with her. "You… have you been eating?" The brunette moved her face into the red leather jacket, hiding her expression from the blonde as the sheriff tried to question her. "Regina…"
"Put me down. I'm an adult. I can walk." The brunette insisted.
"No." With the one word, the woman tensed in the sheriff's arms.
"Emma Swa-"
"No. We're going upstairs. You're going to bathe. You're going to dress." The blonde paused as she stepped over a particularly large piled of debris in the foyer, moving towards the staircase. "And then… you're going to eat something. And… if you're up to it…" She smiled down at the woman. "You're going to go spend time with your son… while David and I fix your home."
"No. You can't do that!" The brunette protested. "This is my home. And if it's a mess, then I want it to stay that way." The blonde gave Regina a pointed look then, stepped onto the landing for the second floor. "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" She groaned as Emma moved into the master bedroom and then into the master bathroom. "And I supposed you'll expect me to do all of thi-"
"Well, if you want help bathing…" The brunette felt the blush instantly and the blonde smiled down at her charge. "I'll let you bathe yourself. I have to get started on the mess of glass downstairs anyway. I don't want you hurting yourself when you come down." She placed the brunette carefully down on her closed toilet and then stepped back. "Take your time. I'm not going anywhere." The blonde turned and took the few steps to the door… before a small voice stopped her.
"Why… do you care?" The blonde paused, thinking for a moment, before speaking:
"Because… I miss the real Regina… I want to see her again… the woman who raised such a perfect little boy." Tears glistened in the brunette's dark irises yet again, as Emma moved outside of the bathroom and shut the door to give the woman her privacy.
Pain. But this pain was different. This pain… this pain was filled with hope.
Hope…
What do you have to be hopeful for?
...and she's desperate to drown.
"Emma…" It had been too much. "Emma…" She couldn't do it. "...please." The room is dark. Every few seconds, illumination comes in the form of a lightning strike outside of the bedroom window. "Oh god." Another lightning strike stretched across the sky, the light from it's existence struck through the room. A large bed. Atop it, pillows were strewn, blankets and sheets were tangled. A back arched up, a cry echoed along the walls. "Emma!" Her cries bouncing against the plaster, the room falls into darkness again as her back hits the mattress. Her bare and flushed chest rises and falls with heavy breathes. Heavy exhausted breathes.
She couldn't do it.
A year ago.
She'd stood on the precipice. Almost falling over into the darkness.
But she couldn't do it.
It had been too much.
"I love you." She whispers, her tired hand relaxing its hold in blonde tresses and falling to the mattress beside her hip. She can feel the grin on her lover's face, and knows the proud gleam is in her lover's hazel eyes.
"I love you too, Gina." She whispers back. The feeling of skin skirting along skin alerts her to the blonde sheriff's movement, before the woman is hovering over her, looking down into her tired brown eyes. With a languid smile, the brunette moves her head up and connects their lips in a lazy kiss. "Mmm…" Regina settles back down on the down on the mattress beneath her lover, enjoying the silence, and the love. Her heart.
Her heart is no longer shattered.
No longer broken.
No longer… empty.
"I want pizza." Laughter instantly bubbles up out of her lips; true and genuine laughter.
Finally… she was happy.
Author's Note: So, there it is. Written at like... three in the morning yesterday. And I haven't had it beta'd or anything... so all mistakes are mine. If I happen to get it proofread, I'll switch it out for the proofread one. Not likely to happen, because I'm lazy... but hey... one can hope.
Chezi out.