Out of the Darkness into the Light

Chapter 1

Loves New Beginnings

By: Butterfly Kathryn

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Paramount owns them, I just playing (Wink)

Summery: Chakotay finally convinces Kathryn to give up her all mighty principles, and they began to explore their relationship, but Kathryn comes down with a rare but deadly disease, will her admission of her love have come to late? Chapter seven is up.

The stars streaked by; the familiar hum of the warp engines brought comfort to her. It had only been two days since Chakotay and she had returned from New Earth. She was glad to be back, but still a part of her longed to be there. She had opened up, like a flower that blooms only once, she had dropped the boundaries, and the walls, let him in. Only to have to be pulled back, back to her old life. She wondered how they were going to work it out. She had fallen in love with him, well not exactly then but she finally let the feelings she had out into the open. She told him, confessed that she had loved him all along. Then they crossed the final barrier, proved their love to each other. She had tried to stop it. After the plasma storm, they had had to rebuild the shelter. She was not used to the hard labor, and she had developed knots in her shoulders and back. Chakotay offered a backrub, which she gladly accepted. As he was massaging her shoulders, she realized her feelings. She was uncomfortable and quickly got up. She then laid down in her small cubical. She laid there trying to sleep, but all she could do was think about her feelings. She got up and talked to him. She tried to reinforce her boundaries. He told her that he loved her, well not directly. He told her a story about a beautiful women warrior, who had captured a chief. At the end of the story, he said that the chief would always be there for the warrior. She raised her hand to him and they interlocked their fingers. It was then, that moment when the walls crumbled. For the first time since she was thrown into the delta quadrant, she was happy, truly happy.

Now she was in distress. Just a few days after they confessed, Voyager came back with the antidote. At the time she just wanted to yell 'NO' I want to stay, however she knew she couldn't. She had to go back. She had to go back to being captain. She now sat curled up in front of the window in her quarters, a cup of coffee warming her hands. She gazed out into the darkness of space, thinking, trying to decide where to go from here. She loved him- that much was certain. She knew they could never go back to they way it was before, but could they have a relationship here, here on voyager? Her mind was racing; hundreds of thoughts danced across it. What would the crew think? What would happen if there was an accident, how would she react? Would she make the right decision? There were so many possibilities, and so many variables. She decided to talk to Chakotay, besides she hadn't seen him since they had been released form sickbay.

Kathryn set her half drained cup of coffee on the coffee table in front of her; she slipped on her shoes, and left her quarters. Kathryn crossed the small distance between her door hand his. She stood in front of his door, took a deep breath, and then rang the chime. She waited only a minute or two for him to answer but it felt like an eternity.

Chakotay opened the door knowing exactly who was on the other side; he had a somber look on his face. Kathryn could tell that he knew what she was there fore. Kathryn spoke, her voice barley a whisper, "Chakotay, could I come in. We really need to talk."

Chakotay looked her over; she was warring a simple blue dress, defiantly not meant to impress anyone. But it looked beautiful on her never the less. Her long hair was let down, her soft hazel eyes were a solemn gray. She looked so un-captain like, she stood there in front of him not as the sure strong-hearted 'Captain', but as the tinder, sensitive, unsure Kathryn. Chakotay motioned for her to come inside. She slowly walked past him. She sat down on his couch. He offered her a cup of coffee, but she declined. He sat down next to her on the couch. There was a long silence. Chakotay turned his body to her. Her head was down and her eyes were on the floor. She knew they needed to talk but she had no idea where to begin, or what to do. Chakotay took a breath then whispered, "Kathryn" he placed a finger under her chin and lifted her eyes to his.

Kathryn stared into his chocolate brown eyes; tears began to sting her eyes. Chakotay could see her fighting back the tears; he decided that he should say something. "Kathryn," his voice was gentle and soft, "I know we have a lot to talk about, and…" his voice trailed off. Kathryn had lost the battle with her emotions; the whole situation, all of her pent-up emotions came to a head and tears now flowed freely. Chakotay pulled her in close to him. He gently stroked her back. He was slightly stunned as it was the first time he had ever seen her cry. Slowly her tears began to subside. Chakotay just held her and rocked her gently in his arms whispering gentle words of comfort to her. She had no idea that when she had decided to come and talk to him it would lead to her crying her eyes out on his lap. She felt safe, comfortable and warm in his embrace.

Kathryn's mind was still trying to figure out what they were going to do. After several more minutes Kathryn looked up and spoke for the first time since she had come in. "Chakotay," her voice was raspy and quiet, "What are we going to do?" Her eyes were pleading. Chakotay realized that when she came to talk to, she had not already decided that they couldn't be together.

Chakotay brushed a stray lock of hair from her face. "I don't know," he whispered to her.

Kathryn sat up and turned to face him. "Could we actually have a relationship here?" her question was honest. She truly was unsure.

Chakotay contemplated what to say, how to answer her question. The answer finally came to him. "I'm not sure if we can or can't," he told her, "but to be honest I think that we can. Just look at Tom and B'Elanna. Their love is just blooming. And as far as the question of what the crew would think, I can tell you, they would support us one hundred percent."

Kathryn looked at him; she was surprised at his response. He was sure even though he said he wasn't. And how on earth did he know that she was going to ask about how having a relationship would effect the crew? "Chakotay?" Kathryn whispered

"Yes," Chakotay responded.

"How did you know what I was going to say about the crew?"

"I know that you always put them first, it's one of the things that I admire most about you. You are selfless when it comes to them, you would give your life to protect any one of them, from Tuvok right down to Naomi Wildman." He reached out his had as he talked and took hers in it. "You would much rather keep yourself in a bubble not letting in anyone in if it would harm the crew in any way, but I know the crew wants you to be happy. You can ask any one of them and they would tell you the same thing." Chakotay smiled at her as he debated whether or not he should divulge any of the information he had gathered over the course of their voyage. The look on her face made his decision for him. "Besides," he grinned "I happen to know that the crew has been betting on our relationship for quite some time now."

It was now Kathryn's turn to be surprised and taken aback. She had no Idea that the crew was betting on their relationship. She knew Tom had betting pools, but all the ones that she had come across were on pool or other events. Had Chakotay been keeping this a secret from her intentionally? "Chakotay, when were you going to tell me about this?" she asked.

"I wasn't letting the information go all the way to you, partly because I didn't want to hurt any chance of us getting together. Also it would have been a huge blow to the crews moral if you had shut down the betting pool. Most of the crew is in on it. And they, I can assure you, were really hoping that we would finally get together."

Kathryn was shocked; she had nearly convinced herself that the crew would look down upon her and Chakotay getting together. She was unsure if she should be furious with Chakotay for keeping the betting pool secret, or if she should be overwhelmed with happiness for having one of the largest worries that she had alleviated. At the moment, Kathryn decided –'to hell with being upset.' She smiled at Chakotay deviously. "Chakotay," she said mock sternness in her voice. "That wasn't very nice that you were keeping that information from me. But you did just help to ease some of my nervousness. But," her voice trailed off as the other worry that she had came, creeping back into her mind.

Chakotay go worried, "What is it Kathryn?" He asked holding on to both of her hands. Kathryn had dropped her head down, but she lifted it to look into his eyes.

"Chakotay," she said. She could feel the tears threatening to return. "What if, what if something were to happen to you, or I had to send you on an away mission that was dangerous. I don't know if I could…"

Chakotay knew where she was going. The same thought had crossed his mind only reversed. Could he let her go on a dangerous away mission? He brushed his hand across her cheek "Kathryn, you know as well as I do that we would both still make the correct decision. It doesn't matter weather or not we are dating. Even if we weren't, we still love each other and we would still be sending or letting each other go, into a dangerous situation. We have been doing that all this time."

Kathryn's eyes widened. He was right, she had been. She had been sending the man she loved into hostile territory and high-risk missions for as long as she had loved him. Kathryn felt a strange comfort at the revelation that she could still do her duty. She looked straight at him then fell into his embrace. After staying in his arms for some time, she finally decided to break the silence. "Chakotay," she smiled at him, tears of joy starting to flow to the surface. "I guess I had been trying so hard to convince myself that we could never be together that I didn't even see that we could." She hugged him. Finally deciding that no matter what happened that she would never want to deny herself the chance to spend every waking moment with him ever again. As she hugged Chakotay a devious thought crossed her mind. "Chakotay" she broke the embrace and looked into his eyes once more. A devilish grin set on her lips.

"Yes love?" he asked gently.

She smiled and laughed, "What do you say, we boost the crew moral a little"

Chakotay grinned back at her, "I say, Captain, that is a wonderful idea," Kathryn smiled even more at the use of her title. For once Kathryn was in charge not the 'Captain'. The two of them then left his quarters, their hands entwined. Kathryn leaned on his shoulder slightly as they made their way to the mess hall. Chakotay silently offered up a prayer of thanks to whatever spirit had finally let Kathryn into his life on Voyager forever.