"Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me wanna kiss you."
-Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely); Pink
Reasons Why
Amarxlen
There are times when I slow down and think. Times when I stop and wonder. And I can't help but wonder, why? I know I get annoying. I know it's pathetic how obsessed I am. It's pathetic how everything I think, everything I say, everything I do is driven by him. You know who I mean.
Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke.
I see, out of the corner of my eyes, the annoyed look Ero-Sennin will never show to my face. I know that when Kakashi-sensei's eye crinkles that way it means he's exasperated. And Sakura... I know that heartbroken look she tries to cover. I can see it underneath her smile, the one that's artificially bright.
So I wonder. If it annoys them, if it hurts them, why do I keep chasing after him? It can't be because of his personality. He's an asshole, and I'm pretty sure I'm the first person who ever told him so. In fact, there are so many reasons I shouldn't chase after him, first and foremost being it hurts them. Second, the guy put me in the hospital. He was never nice to me, never passed up a chance to insult me, and always showed me up. For all intents and purposes, I should hate him.
So it always confuses me when I'm done with a giant speech about how he's my friend and I'll never give up on him. I always question that it doesn't matter that he put me in the hospital. I can't go to Ero-Sennin about this – that annoyed look will only intensify. I can't talk to Kakashi-sensei – it'd just be weird, and besides, I know that exasperated look will be there the whole time. Just because he wears a mask doesn't make it hard to decipher his emotions. And I'd sooner feed myself to Orochimaru's snakes and let Sasuke skewer me with Chidori a thousand times over before putting Sakura through any more pain over him.
Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke.
Why do I still call him my friend after all he's put me through? I should move on, forget, accept, and stop chasing him.
But I still remember that stupid fluttery feeling in my stomach when he acknowledged me as equal, called me his friend. I still remember the stupid way I felt all warm and content whenever he was specifically paying attention to me, even if that attention was negative and even though there were others around I was sure he'd prefer talking to. I still remember how I felt like smiling a stupid huge smile whenever he was around and how I could barely keep it off my face. I still remember the way my stupid ears were always attuned and waiting for his name or his voice to enter the conversation. I still remember all these stupid feelings, and it's almost enough to make me completely forget all the bad things.
Almost enough. Because it's not quite enough and I still remember the stupid shredding feeling in my chest that wasn't the Chidori passing through my lung. I still remember the stupid way I stopped breathing when Kakashi told the medic nin Sasuke wasn't with us. I still remember the feeling of betrayal, crushing me, only strengthening with each day that went by without him. I still remember the feeling of having my stupid heart pulled out of my chest, stupid, because it doesn't seem to give a damn that Sasuke has hurt us this much, even when my head is screaming, Forget, forget, forget!
It's definitely easier said than done. Despite the fact that I haven't seen him for two and a half years, that stupid fluttery feeling comes back when I look at his picture, even if now it's tinged with sadness. That stupid warm and content feeling accompanies it, even if now it's stained with sorrow. That stupid huge smile still threatens, even if I can feel the bitter edge to it. My stupid ears are still stupidly attuned for his name or his voice to be mentioned anywhere, even though my brain tells them his name has practically become taboo.
Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke.
And I realize... It somehow must be enough, all those stupid feelings to fuel this addiction to my illegal drug. I realize they're definitely enough, because those stupid feelings, this hopeless addiction, this pathetic obsession, somehow it's love, and I've fallen for exactly the wrong guy. I know if you go to ask anybody else, the cons far outweigh the pros. Those feelings? Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. But there's... something. Something they can't see, something they can't feel. Something that keeps pulling me back in and has me coming back for more. I'm caught in his gravity, addicted to this drug. And I'm too weak to fight this affliction.
I'm chasing him, like a dog chasing after a car, powerful, fast, and leaving me behind.
Don't leave me behind!
It hurts. It's hopeless. It's pathetic. It's wrong. My head tells my heart. My heart doesn't give a damn.
It warms. It's addicting. It's powerful. It feels right. My heart tells my head. My head doesn't understand.
It doesn't look like either one is going to give in.
Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke.
I hate that I love you.