This is an obitine-centric companion fic that spans the latter half of the "these battle scars" series. There are four chapters, two of which are completed. Chapter One takes place in the week or so leading up to the events of i feel like ruin's wooing me, and Chapter Two spans the time between the fourth chapter of the enemy within (and all the fires from your friends) and its epilogue. There are two other chapters which will take place after certain key events in the only thing that comes (are the post-traumatic stresses). Chapter Three is in progress now.
Content warning for mentions of violence, nightmares, flashbacks, PTSD, some medical stuff.
"We believe Maul and Savage Opress intend to move on Mandalore," Mace says, steepling his fingers under his chin. "There are reports that they're working with Deathwatch and some of the large crime syndicates. It would be best if Duchess Kryze were to leave the planet for a time so we can ensure her safety - Maul doesn't appear to have any interest in taking prisoners. You have done missions with the Duchess in the past, so you seem like the most logical choice to send. She's more likely to listen to you."
Obi-Wan honestly isn't sure about that, but he nods to show he understands. At the thought of Maul getting anywhere near Satine, his feels a hot pulse of anger and fear, quickly suppressed. Breathe in, breathe out, release it to the Force. "I'll go, of course," he says lightly. "But to be honest, Master Windu - I'm not sure she'll even listen to me."
"You had better make sure she does," Mace says dryly, and Obi-Wan knows he's right. "Mandalore can't afford to lose her."
Neither can the alliance of neutral systems, so Obi nods, privately trying to figure out how he's going to convince Satine to just abandon her planet when it's under threat from two Dark Siders and half a dozen crime syndicates.
He really does have his work cut out for him, but at least he's used to dealing with stubborn people at this point. (Really, why is it always him who has to deal with these things?) And he can't afford to fail this mission.
For Mandalore's sake, of course.
...
Satine is… less than pleased at the quite frankly ridiculous idea the Jedi Council has come up with this time. She sits straight and tall on her throne, head held high, eyes flashing as she stares down the Jedi Master who has the misfortune of bringing her this news. (Honestly, why do they always send Obi-Wan Kenobi? The poor man has already had to deal with enough of her temper to last a lifetime, and more besides.)
"I will not abandon my planet and my people just because there is a potential threat to my life! I am a pacifist, not a coward," she snaps out, icy-cold and imperious.
Obi-Wan bows his head. "I understand, Duchess. Believe me, I understand. But I beg you to consider the disastrous consequences your death could have on Mandalore and for the thousands of neutral systems who look to you to defend their neutrality."
Damn the man for knowing her weak spots. "Do you think me so easily killed, Obi-Wan?" she asks archly, raising an eyebrow.
Once upon a time, such a perceived slip-up would've made him blush. Now, however, he just regards her with a cool, steady gaze. "My dear Satine," he says gently, "Maul is the Sith Lord who killed my Master so long ago. I don't think you are easy to kill by any means, but I cut Maul in half and here he is."
That makes her go cold. She wonders how he's so easily keeping up that famed Jedi serenity even in the face of confronting what must be horrible pain. She sighs, drags her long, thin fingers down her face, feeling suddenly tired. "Alright, Obi. I will come with you, but only until the threat on my life has been resolved."
...
He can't believe she's actually agreed, but he inclines his head, smiles slightly. "Thank you, Duchess. How soon could you be prepared to leave?"
Satine shakes her head a little and folds her hands in her lap. "I have to discuss this with my government," she says. "If Mandalore is in danger, I can't leave without making sure my people will be safe."
"Of course. I would expect nothing less," Obi-Wan says - and he wouldn't. Satine has always put her people first, especially in times like these, regardless of the danger to herself.
"I believe I can be ready to leave by tomorrow, however. Will you require accommodation?" she asks, but Obi-Wan has a berth on his ship, so he declines.
"That won't be necessary, thank you. I have to look in on my men - but you have my comm frequency, if you need me." Thinking about Maul unbalances Obi more than he wishes it did - perhaps it's simply that Maul should be dead but instead he has become even more deadly, more Dark, and taken an apprentice of his own. Whatever the reason , Obi-Wan decides it would be wise to meditate, just now. There are some things he still struggles to let go of, he has no illusions about that - that simply means he has to spend more time endeavoring to release them.
"Yes, thank you, Obi-Wan," she says, smiling solemnly. Obi thinks it's unfortunate how they only seem to meet when she's in danger, but it's war, and that's how it's always been for them. He bows slightly and turns to go, relieved that she's at least promised to go with him. That's one weight off his shoulders, anyway.
...
It takes Satine just under a day, working nearly around the clock to arrange things, for her to be ready to leave. She accompanies Obi-Wan to the transport, frowning slightly at the multiple clone troopers. It's not that she doesn't see them as people, per se, just that they were literally created for war, bred for it. Their very existence goes against every moral and value and principle she holds dear.
The transport has only just lifted off when Obi-Wan's wristcomm pings. "Sir, urgent comm just came in from the Council. General Skywalker needs immediate reinforcements and we're closest to him."
"Copy that, Cody," Obi-Wan says, and then he turns to Satine. "I'm sorry, but it seems we'll be making a detour before we make it to Coruscant."
Satine is not mollified by that. "I want no part in this war," she says sharply. "Not even as an observer."
"I am sorry," he says, more quietly, and she's struck by how exhausted he looks in this moment. Like he hasn't truly slept in weeks.
She sighs. "I know." Unfortunately, being sorry isn't enough.
She's expecting the ship (which doesn't have a name, she's informed, ever since the Negotiator was destroyed) to be controlled chaos; what surprises her is how controlled it is. Clones with orange painted armor are jogging around, but no one looks worried or upset or anything at all. It's like this is just a drill.
The bridge is much the same, though less bustling. A clone who's introduced as Commander Cody is there, presumably to explain the situation, although the first thing he says is, "General, all due respect, but you look like you're about to collapse."
Obi-Wan just smiles in that rueful way she wishes wasn't so kriffing endearing. "Ah, Cody, there's no rest for the weary, as they say. This is Duchess Satine," he adds, gesturing to her.
Satine inclines her head, but doesn't speak. She's not sure what to say. This man is a soldier through and through, in his element. What is she supposed to say to someone who so thoroughly opposes everything she stands for?
...
Cody, true to form, is almost stiff when he inclines his head in return and Obi-Wan wants to smile, but hides it. "Good to meet you, Duchess," Cody says, and when no answer is forthcoming, turns back to Obi-Wan, all business. "Sir, General Skywalker is outnumbered and his forces are surrounded on Taris. Their mission is to retake our outpost there, but the Tarisians apparently heard they were coming and sent a welcoming committee."
"How thoughtful of them," Obi says, sighing. "This sounds simple, at least - Did Anakin say what he needs us to do or has he left it up to my imagination?"
"The Council just said what I've told you, General, and that they would appreciate it if we could finish this in a timely fashion."
Obi-Wan shakes his head. That order was hardly necessary. With Satine along for the ride and Anakin in danger, he wants this mission over as fast as possible. He glances at Satine and finds she's standing with her chin imperiously lifted, expression stony, and he sighs guiltily. This isn't particularly fair to her. "Forgive me, Duchess, I should have asked - Would you like me to have one of the men show you to your quarters?" At the very least then she wouldn't have to stand here listening to him make battle plans.
"I would appreciate that, thank you, Master Kenobi," she says. He pinches the bridge of his nose and wishes that for once Anakin could have just stayed out of trouble.
"Captain Gregor?"
The clone captain salutes, and Obi-Wan smiles. "Yes, sir?"
"Will you take Duchess Kryze to her quarters, please, and see that she has everything she needs?"
"Yes sir." Gregor grins as he walks over to Satine, although that's his only break (for once) from military professionalism. "If you could come with me, Duchess."
...
Satine follows the clone Captain back through the ship to a spacious set of rooms. Gregor grins at her, says, "Here you are, Duchess. If you need anything, you just let us know."
"Thank you, Captain," she says, as politely as she can manage to a man created to fight a war, and then she steps inside the room.
She spends the next few hours alternating between sleeping, pacing, and scrolling through the HoloNet on her datapad. Sleep comes slowly and she wakes often, even though she's tired; she thinks it's the knowledge that there's a war going on beneath her feet.
She has always found violence and war to be intolerable, and being stuck on a Jedi cruiser in the middle of a battle for a planet is… well, nearly repulsive, to say the least. Still, after several hours, she can't help but start to wonder, to worry. Is it supposed to be taking this long? She finally leaves the room behind, makes her way back to the bridge to find it nearly empty. Both Obi-Wan and Commander Cody are gone.
"What can we do for you, Duchess?" one of the clone technicians asks.
Satine hesitates before answering. "I was just wondering how long this… battle will take."
The clone nods, something like understanding flashing over his face. "The General made planetfall a few hours ago, but the Tarisians are jamming transmissions-which is typical," he mutters, almost scowling, "you'd think the Republic could come up with something jammers won't catch. Anyway, don't worry, Duchess," he finishes with an almost charming smile. "With Generals Skywalker and Kenobi down there together, the battle should be finished in no time. They're the best Jedi Generals the Republic has."
She thinks he means that to be reassuring, but it's not, not really. Still, another question presents itself to her, and she finds herself asking without entirely meaning to. "And how many of you troopers will fall protecting your Jedi?"
The clone actually laughs at that. "Duchess, we would all sacrifice ourselves for General Kenobi or General Skywalker or even Commander Tano in a heartbeat," he tells her. "But you don't understand. Our General protects us. General Kenobi would take a blaster bolt for any one of us, even though we're just clones-it drives Cody crazy, because our Jedi has no sense of self-preservation. You should hear some of the messes he's gotten himself into. Most recently, he had to pretend to be a slave, except then he was found out and made an actual slave. They gave him a shock collar and put him in a cage, I heard." He winces, looking away. "Not as bad as what happened to Commander Tano and Captain Rex of the 501st, though."
Satine swallows, finds herself wondering just who exactly arranged such a mission. (She deliberately does not let herself worry about Obi-Wan, about how careless he seems to have become.) "What happened to them?" she asks softly, remembering Ahsoka Tano-the bright, beautiful young Togruta padawan who'd come with Padme and helped root out corruption in her own government. Still alive, thankfully, it seems, but… at what cost? (Yet another reason to despise war.)
It's his turn to hesitate. "It's not my story to tell, Duchess," he says finally. "But-the mission was to infiltrate the Zygerrian slave empire for something, and they were caught. I think the Commander and the Captain were taken to a mine on Kadavo."
Ahsoka, a slave? It doesn't make sense. "Thank you," she says, bowing her head slightly. "What's your name, trooper?"
"I'm called Click, sir-Duchess," Click corrects himself hastily. "If you like, I can make sure you're alerted when the General returns?"
"Yes, thank you, Click," Satine says, grateful. Just so she can know when this awful affront to life itself is over, of course. That's the only reason she wants to know.
Of course.
Anakin, Ahsoka, and Rex are waiting when Obi-Wan and the 212th arrive, during a rare break in the Tarisian and Seppie attack. "There you are, Master!" Anakin says cheerfully. "What took you so long?"
Obi-Wan doesn't look very pleased. "For once, could you not have just stayed out of trouble, Anakin?" he asks with a sigh. "I'm in the middle of transporting a diplomatic guest back to Coruscant-"
"The Council said you were on Mandalore," Anakin interrupts, feels a smirk stretching across his face. "Master, you should've told me your girlfriend is on your ship-"
"How many times must I tell you, Satine is not my girlfriend!" Obi-Wan pinches the bridge of his nose and huffs a frustrated sigh.
"Satine, like, Duchess Satine?" Ahsoka asks, starting to grin. "Master, why didn't you tell me the Duchess is his girlfriend?"
Rex must make some sort of comment through their bond, because next thing Anakin knows his padawan is turning to laugh at Rex, bumping her shoulder against his. Obi-Wan sighs again, and Anakin grins.
This is turning out to be fun.
...
The battle is, as Obi-Wan had expected, simple. Not easy, unfortunately - the 501st has sustained heavier casualties than normal, his own battalion struggles as well, and he sustains a blaster wound to the shoulder - but it's enough support that they break through the Separatist forces and have control of the outpost after only a few hours. The Republic had sent a new squad of clones with Anakin to hold the outpost once they recover it; Rex and Cody see to making sure the squad is settled into the outpost and prepared to defend it.
Obi-Wan finds he's dreading, a little, going back to his ship and seeing Satine's look of disapproval - not to mention Anakin is giving him significant looks and Cody and Rex seem quietly amused. Knowing his men, the rumor that he has a girlfriend , of all things, will have spread throughout both battalions within an hour of Anakin saying something about it.
He doesn't understand why Anakin can't just leave well enough alone - he and Satine have a strictly diplomatic relationship, and if that had ever been different, that no longer matters.
Not everyone can flaunt the Code like Anakin and Ahsoka do, or else what's even the point of the Code?
Scratch, the 212th's field medic, starts looking at his shoulder as they head back onto the transport that will take him back to his flagship, and Obi-Wan has to make an effort not to shrug off his hands.
He'll be glad to leave this battle behind.
...
Click himself comes to her rooms to inform her that "the General is back, but Scratch is dragging him to the med bay, otherwise we'll never get him in there".
Satine frowns, unable to deny the thrill of fear that shoots through her. "He's injured?"
Click's eyes are glittering like she's just confirmed something very interesting. "Would you like me to show you to the med bay, Duchess?"
"Please," she says, though she can't help but feel she's missing something essential.
Obi-Wan is sitting on the edge of a bunk, looking extremely irritated, when she walks in. "-honestly, you have several vod'e who are injured worse than I am-hello, Satine-you should tend to them first."
The medic, who must be Scratch, rolls his eyes. "So that you can sneak off and go back to not sleeping and not taking care of yourself? Sorry, sir, but no thanks."
...
Sighing, Obi stops protesting, crossing his arms. He's fine , and he's not neglecting himself by any means. He just doesn't need that much sleep these days, and if he occasionally forgets to visit Scratch with his injuries, it's only because they aren't serious.
Satine walks over to them, eyes flicking to his shoulder, and she purses her lips and shakes her head at him. "Are you alright?"
Obi starts to say yes, he is, but Scratch gives him a baleful look and answers for him. "For once, yes, he's fine. Except I'm prescribing bed rest."
"I don't need bed rest, for heaven's sake, Scratch," Obi protests. "It's just my shoulder."
"He hasn't been sleeping, you know, Duchess," his medic says conversationally, and Obi sighs again, shaking his head and looking down. Scratch always has had a knack for blowing simple things out of proportion. Now Satine is going to think he's absolutely falling apart at the seams, which he isn't. At worst he's a little tired.
...
Satine frowns, taking in the dark circles under his eyes and the pallor of his skin. "I seem to remember you having this problem before. At least you listened to Master Jinn when he reprimanded you for it."
Scratch swears, but she doesn't think anything of it until she hears another trooper say, gleefully, "Dinuir ni twenty credits, vod!"
(She wonders, briefly, what they were betting on.)
Obi-Wan makes a face, and she takes that to mean she's scored a point. "I'm a Jedi Master now, Satine. I can take care of myself."
She purses her lips, glances at Scratch. "Apparently not. Why aren't you sleeping?"
...
"Scratch is just being dramatic," Obi says, and he's going to regret that later, if Scratch's dark scowl is anything to go by. But this is all so unnecessary . "I sleep fine."
He can actually feel Scratch's irritation in the Force.
"One only has to look at you to know that's not true, Obi-Wan," Satine says with a sigh, and that isn't fair, and it's also rude.
"I'm rather offended, Duchess - I was under the impression you liked my dashing good looks." Obi rubs his beard, smiles a little. He doesn't look that tired, does he? Because he really isn't very tired except for the fact that he's just come out of a battle.
"That's neither here nor there," Satine says. "The point is that I can tell Scratch is right - you've not been taking proper care of yourself at all."
"Kriffing thank you," Scratch mutters, then looks up and cringes. "Apologies, Duchess."
...
Satine can't help but smile a little. "I'm Mandalorian, Scratch. I've heard far worse."
"Look, I appreciate the concern," Obi-Wan says finally, almost sharp, "but I have a battalion of men and the entire Jedi Council relying on me. I'm a bit short on time."
That's a terrible excuse. Either that, or it's not an excuse, and she needs to have strong words with the Council. Immediately. "Too short on time for basic human necessities, Obi? Being a Jedi hardly means you're superhuman." Her voice is like acid.
...
"Technically," Obi says lightly, "I can do a number of things that most humans can't , so I may qualify as superhuman after all." He doesn't know why he always feels like he has to argue with her, it's just a bit infuriating how often she's right.
Satine stares at him like she can't quite believe he's still trying to argue, but he's not going to just let them scold him like he's a new padawan. He knows what he's doing, and even if he is pushing himself a little hard, they're at war and that happens sometimes.
"I wasn't aware the Jedi were above the need for sleep - as I recall, that's something you still need."
"It's not-" Obi sighs loudly and pinches the bridge of his nose. The way Scratch is putting bacta on his shoulder almost feels passive aggressive , which Obi hadn't even thought was possible . At this point he might even welcome an interruption from Anakin if it just meant that Satine and Scratch would stop looking at him like that. "I'm fine , Satine, I know my limits. Trust me."
Does Scratch really have to snort like that?
...
Satine rolls her eyes, her only concession to his ridiculous statement. "Scratch, are you done with his shoulder?"
"Yes, Duchess," the medic says, a certain gleam in his eyes. "He's all yours."
That's a little more forward than she would've liked, but whatever. "Obi, come with me. You are going to show me where your quarters are and I'm going to make sure you sleep. Even if I have to lock you in there."
Obi-Wan frowns. "Satine, I hardly think that's necessary-"
"Click!"
The trooper materializes at her elbow with a disarming grin. "I'll show you where the General's rooms are, Duchess."
...
Obi-Wan finds himself trailing behind Click and Satine, swallowing back more protests because it had taken one frigid look from Satine to tell him she was thoroughly sick of him arguing. For the sake of diplomatic relations, he tells himself, he'll be quiet and go to bed and let it go. The Council wouldn't appreciate him antagonizing her.
Later he's going to have Cody put Click on 'fresher duty, because Click keeps looking back and grinning at him, and he's pretty sure it was the clone technician who brought Satine to the med bay in the first place.
Besides that, he knows his men well enough to have some idea why Scratch suddenly owes someone twenty credits and he's not pleased about it. Honestly, he and Anakin really do need to have a talk - this has gotten well out of hand.
When they arrive at his quarters, Obi pushes past Click to open his door, glancing peevishly at him. "You're dismissed, Click, thank you."
Click's smile is far too bright and interested, but he nods and salutes. "Glad to be of service, General, Duchess. You can comm me if you need anything."
"That will not be necessary," Obi-Wan says, having to work to keep a bite of irritation out of his voice. "But I appreciate the offer."
Clicks winks at him. Dear Force why are all his men like this? Obi chooses not to respond to the gesture, instead marching into his quarters and yanking his boots off. He's a little surprised, however, when Satine actually follows him in, and he's suddenly very aware that his room is little more than a bunk and a desk, the only attempt at decorating being a miserable potted plant that he was given by some Twi'lek diplomat.
...
Satine curls her lip in distaste at the barrenness of the room, but doesn't comment on it. Instead, she looks at the Jedi standing almost sheepishly in the middle of the room and says, quietly, "You have nightmares, don't you?"
He flinches, just a little, and that's enough to answer her question. "Would talking help?"
He shakes his head. "I don't think so, but thank you, Satine. I do appreciate the offer."
She thinks perhaps he just doesn't want to admit to feeling. "I understand. Just…" she glances back over her shoulder as she walks to the door, hesitant. "My comm frequency is still the same. If you need me."
And then she leaves.
...
Obi-Wan sleeps for far longer than he should, and he wakes up to a ship full of people who won't stop smirking at him. Do they think they're being funny? Because it really isn't amusing - it's frustrating, and a bit uncomfortable. Even Cody smiles at him with more mischief than is customary for him.
Obi blames Anakin, who has stayed aboard his ship with Ahsoka, ostensibly to give Satine more company than a bunch of clones and Obi-Wan himself. But Obi doesn't actually believe that reason, and it's really long past time he discussed these things with his former padawan. So he leaves his quarters and heads to the bridge, where he finds Anakin, Ahsoka, and Captain Rex holding some innocuous conversation with Satine - if he's not mistaken, they are actually, genuinely discussing whether Coruscant or Mandalore is more pleasant at this time of year. (Rex looks a little like he wants to die of boredom; Ahsoka and Anakin have much better control of their expressions than he does.)
"Look who's up!" Anakin says cheerfully, catching sight of him, and Obi sighs, smiles as charmingly as he can. "Did you have a nice rest, Master?"
"Yes, Anakin, thank you," Obi says wryly, walking over and nodding at the other three. Ahsoka is grinning at him, which isn't unusual for her, but given the circumstances he finds himself irrationally annoyed about it. "How far out are we from Coruscant?"
"Just about an hour now, sir," Rex says.
"Wonderful. I wonder if I could steal Anakin from your delightful little company?" he says, glancing at Satine. "I need to speak with him."
"By all means," Satine says, eyes twinkling a little.
"We won't miss him," Ahsoka adds.
Obi-Wan chuckles as Anakin gets up, making a face. "If I have to, Master. It appears I'm not needed here, anyway." Rex mutters nope under his breath and Obi can tell Anakin is stubbornly pretending he didn't hear.
...
Anakin follows his former Master off into another side room, smiling a little. "What is it, Master?"
Obi-Wan sighs. "I know about Rex and Ahsoka, Anakin."
Well, duh. He was there on Kiros after all. "Yeah, they're really obvious about it. Is that a problem?" If it is, he's not going to be happy.
"Anakin, you and Padme are just as bad."
What?
...
"Master, what do you mean me and Padme?"
How is Anakin this oblivious ? Obi shakes his head, strokes his beard. "Anakin, you kissed her a number of times in front of me on Kiros. I'm not blind , however it may seem to you - I've known for some time."
Anakin's expression fractures a little, and Obi-Wan can feel he's dismayed and concerned. It's an understandable reaction, although it says something very unfortunate about Anakin's trust (and lack thereof) in him.
"Why haven't you said anything before?" he asks, crossing his arms defensively and putting up shields. His best friend is nothing if not subtle.
Obi-Wan shrugs. He's asked himself the same question a number of times - why hasn't he taken Anakin to task for maintaining such an intimate attachment yet? He's tried the excuse that he's no longer Anakin's master and that doesn't hold up. He's told himself it's because they can't be so close as all that, but honestly who was he kidding with that one. Whatever the reason, he's doing it now. "It didn't seem necessary," he says, hides what a flimsy answer it is with a firm, easy tone.
"And now it does?" Anakin sounds shaky. He shifts his weight to his right foot, and is evidently trying to seem nonchalant.
"Well, someone has to tell you how obvious you're being - and I think Rex and Ahsoka would take the advice to tone it down better from you than me." He leans back a little, smiling wryly. "If I haven't reported you to the Council before, Anakin, of course I'm hardly going to do it now."
...
Anakin stares. "You're not?"
That doesn't seem possible. Obi-Wan is literally the perfect Jedi, even though Anakin teases him about Satine. There's no way. "No, Anakin. I'm not."
"But the Council-"
"What the Council doesn't know won't hurt them," Obi-Wan says, smiling a little. "But both you and your padawan should make an effort to be a bit more subtle."
Anakin can barely believe his ears.
Ahsoka is just as bright as Satine remembered her being, although there are scars covering her headtails and a thick band around her neck. There's something about the way she looks at the captain, Rex, though, that's interesting.
She doesn't bring it up, even when Ahsoka gently bumps Rex's shoulder with her own and smiles sweetly up at him. The Jedi can keep her secrets. (Even if she seems to be very bad at that.)
"How do you feel about the clones, Duchess?" Rex asks, something flickering across his face like he's bracing himself.
Satine hesitates, wondering how she can even begin to answer him. "I cannot say I approve, but I'm a pacifist. I don't approve of fighting in and of itself. I haven't met many troopers yet, just Click and Scratch. And you, of course, Rex. There's no question you are good men, yet… you aresoldiers."
She's sure Rex thinks her naive, but that's nothing new. After all, Obi himself frequently calls her idealistic and a dreamer. "Thank you, Duchess," Rex says, and looks down at Ahsoka.
It seems like they can almost communicate without words; she'd put it down to Jedi mysteries, but Rex is a clone.
...
It's concerning, in a way, that Anakin really thought Obi would report them - and maybe, if he were a better Jedi, he would have. But with the war going on and everyone reaching for happiness wherever they can find it, he thinks it would be cruel to take this away from Anakin. And he thinks there's a certain rightness to it, in the Force- maybe he misunderstands it, but nonetheless, Padme and Anakin can have their secret.
"Anakin…" he says, carefully. "I can't help but feel that I've… failed you, in this."
Anakin scowls. "Why, because I'm attached to someone?"
Obi rubs his forehead wearily. "No, Anakin, because you felt that you couldn't trust me with this. I can't help but think that's due to a shortcoming on my part."
"Master, you haven't failed me," Anakin says, of course he does, and yet there is still a distrust, a lack of communication between them, and Obi-Wan doesn't know what has caused it. And with how honest Anakin usually is (to a fault, perhaps), he can only think he's done something to make his former padawan think he has to keep secrets from him. Which is disappointing, to say the least.
...
How can Anakin even hope to explain everything to Obi-Wan? It's complicated. And that's putting it mildly, of course. "I do trust you, Master, but you're on the Council. Also, in case you hadn't noticed, you're the perfect Jedi and I'm as far from being a proper Jedi as possible."
He touches his bond with Ahsoka, sends a quick, Obi-Wan says you need to be more subtle, which gets him a feeling resembling someone sticking their tongue out. You're so mature, Snips.
I learned it from you, Master, she says back, and he rolls his eyes fondly.
Cheeky.
...
Him, the perfect Jedi. Obi can't help but laugh, wryly, almost bitterly. "I'm hardly a perfect Jedi, Anakin."
"Are you kidding, Master?" Anakin says, projecting who are you trying to fool across the training bond. "I know I keep saying Satine is your girlfriend, but somehow you've mastered the whole 'letting go of attachments' part of the Code. It didn't seem like you'd exactly understand."
Oh, Anakin . Obi knows what he should say, as a Jedi Master and a member of the Council - but he also knows what Anakin, his best friend, needs him to say, and for a long moment he hesitates, torn. "Anakin, I… Perhaps I should have told you this a long time ago." He stops, sighs. If he had actually accepted his inability to deal with this attachment, he might have spoken to Anakin about this sooner. "You of all people know how difficult it is to truly let go of attachment, Anakin. I've by no means mastered it."
Anakin feels unconvinced, and Obi-Wan takes a deep breath. He's not perfect, he hasn't let go of this connection, and that can't be helped just now. "There was a time when I would have left the Jedi Order if Duchess Satine had asked me."
He had expected to feel ashamed to admit that, but of course Anakin isn't judging him. His friend frowns, apparently hesitant to take an implied meaning from Obi's statement, which is actually very wise of him - but it would be easier for Obi-Wan to explain if he would just assume all he wanted. Anakin does always seem determined to be contrary.
...
"You would've left the Order?" Anakin finally asks, almost unable to believe what he's hearing. "But you said your only dream has always been to be a Jedi."
Obi-Wan nods. He looks very tired, and like he'd much rather not be having this conversation, but he speaks anyway. "Yes, Anakin, but-I daresay I loved her."
The first thing he thinks is I knew it!
The second thing is that Obi-Wan could never love someone, he's too much a Jedi. But. "There's no way you don't still love her, Master. I've been trying to get you to sleep for weeks."
...
Obi-Wan stiffens, his mind automatically conjuring up excuses, denials, all the Jedi phrases that he's been protecting himself with for ages. But he owes it to Anakin to be honest, so, "Maybe. I'm not… not able to put this attachment aside, like I should. I'm the last person who has the right to tell you to sever your attachment with Padme, and I don't-" It might be too much to admit, but he has to explain this to someone, once . "I don't always want to let go of my attachment for Satine. I can hardly advise you do something I have not done myself."
Anakin is almost gaping at him, and Obi sighs. He feels… light. It's strange. "So…. I'm not so far off, when I call Satine your girlfriend?" he asks, that infuriating slow smile creeping onto his face.
"For heaven's sake , Anakin!" Obi says, shaking his head. "I haven't acted on my feelings for her, not once."
"Well, that's ridiculous." Anakin looks too smug and Obi already regrets this because oh Force, what monster has he created here?
...
Anakin feels shocked and smug in the back of her mind, and Ahsoka prods the bond, curious. What she finds is enough to make a slow smile spread across her face, and she shares the revelation with Rex. "Duchess Satine," she starts, trying not to sound too eager, "what exactly are yourfeelings for Master Obi-Wan?"
Satine looks a bit affronted by the question, but there's an old pain in her eyes, and she's quietly honest when she speaks. "We spent a lot of time together for a year, when we were younger, and I-loved him. I love him still, even if he has become a soldier."
Ahsoka grins. We have feelings, Master. Now what?
Now, Snips, we just get Obi-Wan to admit that to her. And maybe kiss her, that'd be a nice touch.
Yes, but how? Ahsoka rolls her eyes inwardly. "What if I told you he feels the same way?" she asks, but Satine shakes her head with a rueful smile.
"Obi has ever been the epitome of Jedi values," she says, her voice soft and bittersweet. "Even if he were to return my-feelings for him, he would not act. It's against his Code."
...
Rex doesn't normally see the appeal in matchmaking - he has entered a few betting pools and he finds himself entertained by the way some of his battalion try to influence the things they're betting on. But right now he thinks the Duchess looks tired and sad, and he knows Obi-Wan is weary these days (Cody is worried). He shouldn't interfere, but he leans forward a little, but not so much that he could seem too familiar . "All due respect, Duchess, but… the General believes a great deal in his Code, that's true. But it seems to me that there may be things he thinks are more important. Protocol is just protocol in the end, sir." He probably shouldn't call the Duchess sir , but it had just slipped out. She would make a good General, if she weren't so naive - she has a sharp eye and is obviously used to being obeyed.
Ahsoka sends him an appreciative thought, the equivalent of nice work , and he leans back again, waits for Satine's response. She looks a little confused, a little hopeful, and entirely controlled. Honestly, it's impressive. Rex holds her gaze, feels like she's measuring what he said, whether it's viable.
...
Satine isn't entirely sure how to respond, but there's merit in what Rex says. She measures him with her gaze, considering, nods finally. "You may be right, Captain Rex. I suppose one should never give up hope, right?" She smiles a little, a rueful twist of her lips.
"Never give up," Ahsoka says fiercely, and it seems like she's talking about something more serious than someone's love life now.
"Indeed," Satine says, thoughtful, and she considers their words the rest of the way to Coruscant.
...
Obi-Wan can't meditate for the first time in years. He sits cross-legged and reaches for the calm of the Force but it eludes him; today the air thrums with loss and guilt and all the deaths of his men.
He lost over half of his battalion yesterday, most of another when a cruiser exploded. The Separatists still have a tight control of the Outer Rim planet they'd hoped to claim and he knows that right now Cody and the rest of his battalion are grieving the brothers they couldn't bring back.
Most of the time when this happens, he can fling himself into a project or a debriefing or a report, but he's done that already and now he's left to his own devices.
He's unbalanced and he can't focus, not with the Force echoing with all that loss of life.
There's a soft voice that tells him he should find Satine, and most times he would ignore it but he's so tired today. This isn't cultivating attachment - if anything, this will help him focus, surely. Just now the heaviness of the war and the never-ending carnage refuses to be let go of, so after a few more moments of internal debate, he gets up and tunes his wristcomm to her frequency. "Satine," he says, doesn't overthink it, "If you're not busy, I wonder if I could meet you to discuss some things with you."
She answers promptly. "Of course, Obi-Wan."
...
Satine meets him in a garden on the roof of a cozy coffee shop near the Temple. It's quiet and peaceful and the summer air is warm and soothing against her skin. Her hair is down, a rarity for her, but the gentle evening breeze feels heavenly as it stirs the pale golden strands.
Obi-Wan looks like hell.
He hasn't been sleeping well, if at all, and there's anguish and guilt thick and heavy in his eyes, though his face is as calm as ever. He appears calm and controlled as he walks towards her, but his hands are shaking where they're hidden in the sleeves of his dark robe, and that alone suggests an emotional turmoil deeper than any she's ever really seen from him.
What the kriff happened?
"What's wrong, Obi?" she asks as soon as he sits down, worried, her eyes tracing over him for any sign of injury. "What happened?"
...
What happened, indeed. Obi sighs wearily and rests his elbows on the table between them, trying to maintain his composure. It would hardly do for him to fall apart without so much as an explanation. It occurs to him this may be asking a lot of her, talking to her about how heavy he feels, but she looks concerned and he thinks she, of all people, will understand how endless it all feels now.
"You know I had a mission," he says rubbing his hand over his face. "It didn't go well, Satine." Not well means so much death, and with all that they'd still lost .
She's looking at him intently, clearly listening - she is a good listener, always has been, even if she does like a good debate.
"I lost hundreds of men yesterday. I've only just begun filing reports, and it's… too many. And all for nothing - we didn't even win." It was my fault , he does not say. He'd planned most of the assault and he'd thought it would work, but here they are.
...
Satine swallows, can't help reaching out a hand and gently laying it over the hand he's placed on the table. She doesn't quite have the courage to squeeze, or do anything else, but she hopes perhaps he will accept the comfort she wants to give. "I am deeply sorry, Obi," and she truly is. The loss of that much life is a tragedy of the worst order. "Nu kyr'adyc, shi taab'echaaj'la," she whispers quietly.
"Thank you," he says, his voice barely audible, choked with grief and pain.
And she shouldn't ask this, she shouldn't, but the question slips out anyway. "Why do you continue to fight, when you suffer so much pointless loss?"
...
Obi-Wan almost says he doesn't know . Sometimes the war makes sense, the politics of it and the dangers of the forces the Separatists set in motion, but when he's trying to help Scratch move dozens of wounded and finds he has to give the order to leave all the wounded who can't walk - then he doesn't know.
"I don't have much choice," he says. His voices scrapes more hoarse than he'd hoped and he folds his hands. "How could the Jedi ignore this kind of conflict and sit back when we have the means to help? Without us the casualties would be much worse." Even if it is sometimes their plans that cause these horrible slaughters - in this case, his own.
"And yet sometimes Jedi involvement seems to prolong the war, not help end it." She doesn't seem to want to argue, more seems to be seeking to understand - nonetheless, he doesn't want to do this now.
"Perhaps, but the war reaches us whether we want it or not, Satine," he says.
...
Satine watches him, sees the pain he can barely conceal, and shakes her head. "The Jedi could have chosen to remain neutral, as Mandalore did, as so many other systems have," she starts softly, seeking to understand. "Why did the Order choose to accept when the Republic approached you?"
"We had no choice," he says, and his voice is shaking. "Someone has been manipulating events for years, Satine. The Jedi were forced into this war. Do you think I enjoy watching my men die, knowing I am at fault?"
She draws in a breath, sickened. She hadn't ever meant to imply anything like that. "No, Obi! I just-" It's been too long since her words have failed her, and she doesn't know how to respond. "I am sorry, my dear Obi."
He bows his head, doesn't speak, and she stands and moves to the other side of the table, sits on the low bench next to him and reaches out, taking his hands in hers.
It's the only comfort she can give.
...
Her hands are soft and Obi wants to lean into her, but he can't quite allow himself to do that. He breathes out, slowly, shakily, and shakes his head. "I know better than you think how… pointless it is, sometimes." He shifts on the bench and Satine's fingers tighten almost imperceptibly around his. "My men were made to die, Satine, and that's what they did. I wanted to be a Jedi, not a General, and I don't- Sometimes I don't think it's worth it." All the thousands of deaths that have gotten them nowhere, almost. And he knows this is important, but after all morning signing reports listing the numbers of the clones who died on their mission, he just feels the burden of their sacrifices.
The Force feels so unclear . He finds loss does that.
He thinks it takes effort on Satine's part to content herself with simply saying, "I'm sorry," again. He smiles at her as best he can, looks down at her hands holding his. "Did you know any of them?"
Obi shrugs. "Not as many as I should have. Tech and Elek and Kato were in my battalion for years." They had been good friends, a comfortable group with Cody, Waxer, and Gregor before they'd lost Waxer, too.
...
He looks so lost, like he can't even see a way forward, and maybe he can't. Maybe the path out of this is clouded, unclear, to her-but the Jedi are supposed to see more clearly than everyone else. It's, well, it's not fair.
(A distant part of her laughs at the childish nature of such a thought.)
She releases his hands, but before he can pull away, she tentatively reaches out and wraps her arms around him, lightly tugs his head to rest on her shoulder. He feels tense, like he's unsure, uncomfortable maybe, but she threads her fingers through his coppery blond hair and rubs soothing circles into his back with her other hand.
"You are allowed, even encouraged, to grieve, you know," she murmurs.
...
Obi is frozen, for a moment, feeling like he should pull away but not wanting to. He chooses not to move, instead trying to relax. Yes, grieving is allowed, and important, but Obi has never found himself able to mourn without becoming lost and unbalanced. It's better for him to simply move on and release the pain into the Force.
(Except it never quite goes and he thinks if he looked he'd find he still hasn't even faced Master Qui Gon's death.)
"I… Yes, thank you." He slumps, rubs his forehead with one hand, and tries to just breathe. When the clones have time to mourn their brothers, they take a moment to be silent and remember them, so Obi tries to imitate that for the men he's lost - it's just that he knew so many of them and he begins to lose track of the names.
"My dear Obi," Satine says softly, and her fingers come to rest against his temple and cheek. He should shrug off her hands, apologize for this whole thing, and go meditate until he doesn't feel any of this anymore except as a distant echo. He does not, though. He can't. And there again is his great failing as a Jedi, that he can't just let it go .
...
Satine gently strokes her fingers across his cheek in a slow, rhythmic motion, hoping to soothe away some of the pain he carries with him. It doesn't totally work; she can feel he's unsure, not entirely allowing himself to relax into her, to accept the comfort she can give, but that's alright.
He's a Jedi, after all. Even this is more than she'd expected, and she already knows she'll treasure this memory forever.
(She swallows back the words she wants to say, once again, just like she always does; now is not the time. She's not sure there ever will be a time when she can tell him she loves him and not have him flee.)
So instead she murmurs, "It wasn't your fault," because she knows he's blaming himself for this.
He always has.
...
"I appreciate that, Satine," Obi says, sighing heavily. "But it was. I made the plan for that attack, and it was my mistake entirely. Believe me, I wish it wasn't."
"Obi…"
He doesn't think Satine understands, and he doesn't need her to, it just is what it is.
"You don't always have to win, Obi-Wan," she says quietly. "You can't ."
"I know," he answers. "But if I don't, my men die." That's the truth of it: losses mean heavy casualties with no gains, mean Cody talks less and less, mean Obi-Wan has more and more nightmares. He can't afford to fail his men. "If war is always pointless, like you say," he says, and he really doesn't believe it is, not most days, "losses are worse." He thinks he expects her to blame him for the carnage - how can she not, doesn't she always?
...
Satine closes her eyes, doesn't know what to say. What can she say? She's always lashed out at him, blamed him for things beyond his control, because she's angry and frustrated at a galaxy that can't seem to understand, at peacekeepers who no longer just keep the peace. But none of that has ever been Obi-Wan's fault; he's a stellar fighter and brilliant strategist, but before this war she'd never known him to think with his lightsaber.
She's been unfairly hard on him, and she's afraid maybe he's begun to believe there's truth in the words she'd so carelessly spoken in anger. "You cannot save everyone, no matter how hard you try," she says quietly, resting her hands on his shoulders, pushing him back enough she can meet his gaze. "You save who you can, do what you can."
He drops his eyes. "I gave the order," and his voice cracks. "I ordered Scratch to leave the wounded who couldn't walk behind. Satine, I swore I would never leave a vod behind. My men trusted me and I betrayed them." Something shifts, then, and when he looks up at her again his eyes are broken. "As a Jedi, I am called to protect! Everything I have done, I've done in the service of a cause greater than myself: the calling to defend the innocent, to cherish life, to keep the peace. But what do I do when keeping the peace means abandoning everything else?"
There's so much anguish in his voice. She wishes she could take it all away-but she can't, she can't even say anything to make this better, because she doesn't (can't) know the answers he needs so desperately. "I don't know," she says, her voice breaking. "I really don't know."
...
They don't call him the Negotiator for his diplomatic missions, he's known that for a long time, and it still stings that he's famous throughout the galaxy for his ability to kill. And this time he'd left some of his own to die and he wonders if it was really necessary or if he's beginning to not care . That's too much to consider, and he's really let this go on long enough, indulged his emotions long enough, so he pulls gently away from Satine's hands and pushes himself to his feet (that shouldn't be so difficult). He needs to meditate, at least try.
"That's alright, Satine - I hardly expected you to." He wishes his voice didn't sound so hoarse and shaky. "Perhaps it would be wise for me to go meditate."
He starts to turn away and she suddenly reaches out, catches his wrist. "Obi-Wan." His entire focus shifts to that single point of contact, the gentle sorrow in her voice. For a moment he doesn't know whether to tear his arm away (it's self-preservation more than anything) or stand and wait, listen.
...
Satine closes her lips around the words she wants to say, struggles to come up with something that fits, that isn't too forward. "Obi…"
She sighs, stops, because what point is there? He's not going to listen to her, and no matter what Captain Rex had said, he won't return her feelings. He's too much a Jedi.
"How have you been, Satine?" Obi-Wan asks quietly, though he doesn't pull away.
She shrugs a little. "I miss Mandalore," she admits. She misses the lyrical cadences of Mando'a and the easy beauty of Sundari. She stands, slips her fingers from his wrist to twine through his own. "I miss you, Obi-Wan. I wish you would come back more often."
...
He makes himself smile at her, leaves his hand in hers (whether he should or not). "I know. I'm trying - I," this is fine to say, surely, "I miss you too."
Satine smiles, steps closer to his side and to Obi, it feels right. What a cruel trick, he thinks, and tightens his grip on Satine's hand quite without meaning to. He feels so alone . The Force, which used to feel like a friend, before this war, is not guiding him today and he's so tired. There are more reports to sign detailing the deaths of all his men - and the reports don't go to families or people who care, but to some file on Coruscant. What's the point, he thinks, and although he still knows eventually this will pass and he'll remember why he's fighting, today is not that day.
"I am tired , Satine," he says heavily, shaking his head. It's not something he can admit to his men or even, probably, to Anakin.
...
Satine swallows. It's rare of Obi-Wan to admit something like that, and she squeezes his hand tightly, hoping to help at least a little. "I know," she says.
He looks so defeated, so lost, and she feels her heart breaking for him-for the man of peace forced to become a hero of war. "You carry a heavy burden, Obi," she whispers. "But you don't have to do it alone. I have-loved you always, and I always will, though my feelings will never be returned. If ever you need anything, you only have to ask. Whatever is in my power to give you, I will."
...
Her feelings, never returned. If she only knew - If she only knew, Obi-Wan would have made a terrible mistake, pushed himself to let go of a Code he's followed for years. Never mind that Anakin somehow claims allegiance to the Order but is still in a relationship with Padme, never mind that Ahsoka and Rex are doing the same thing - that's them. He's on the Council , he can't be like them.
He smiles softly at her, dips his head. "Thank you, Satine, I-" That's not good enough at all for what she's just said to him, and he sees she's disappointed, saddened, and she has just promised so much.
Though my feelings will never be returned.
That just isn't true. She is so often on his mind, and here he is telling her things he's never admitted to anyone, and she thinks… "Never is a strong word," he says, staring at the ground because he's afraid to look at her. "Satine…" He wants her. "You know I would've left the Order for you, and I… I am not as strong as I should be."
...
She cannot allow herself to hope.
"I never would have asked that of you," Satine murmurs. "The Jedi are your life, and you've always wanted to be a Master. How could I have asked you to give that up?"
She wants him. But she must content herself with this, with the little she has now, because to reach for more would be to lose this and she cannot. And maybe she's a bit more bitter about it than she should be, but she tries to keep that out of her voice when she continues. "Don't give me false hope, Obi-Wan. I have accepted my fate."
It's more painful than you realize, she wants to say, but she doesn't. Because that's just bitterness, and not truth. She thinks he probably does realize.
...
When she slips her hand out of his, something in Obi-Wan desperately pleads for her to come back, not to leave him by himself again. He wants to reach for her but to do what? He can't give her false hope, she's right - but he wants her and everything is so heavy and alone and he's tired of losing everything.
He doesn't know what to do or say, because this attachment is forbidden and he can't be like Anakin and Ahsoka in this.
He remembers the Light and joy of the Force on Kiros and the way something about Anakin and Padmè being together has always felt right to him, and the Force finally seems to answer him, and he could swear he feels something like comfort, certainty.
He shouldn't, but he reaches out and grabs Satine's arm. Listens to the Force, even though he must be wrong about what he hears and he'll regret this later. "Satine," he says, turns her to face him, feels his heartbeat pounding painfully in his chest. "I've never been able to stop loving you. I tried, I wanted to be the Jedi I was supposed to be, but I- I'm not. And I still love you." He doesn't know what he wants with her but he knows right now all he wants is for her to know that he isn't indifferent, isn't emotionless.
...
Satine can't let herself hope, but she has to meet his eyes, to see. And there's so much in his gaze, all the words she'd thought he could never say, the emotions she'd thought he would never let himself feel.
It's too much.
She can feel herself pulling back, shutting down a little, trying to understand; a part of her knows that's the wrong response, knows he'll take it the wrong way, so she tries to clamp down on the instinct. Words are important here.
Her heart begs her to close the distance between them, to reach out (to steal a forbidden kiss while she has the chance). Her mind tells her she cannot tempt him. She closes her eyes, caught in the battle. "If my nearness is causing you to struggle, I should go," she whispers finally.
Logically.
But she is Mandalorian, hot blooded and emotional, and her heart will not be denied. So, though her words call for distance, she presses closer to her Jedi, slides a hand around the back of his head to bring his forehead to rest against hers.
...
For a moment he's afraid she really means to go, to reject what he's said, to misunderstand why he's said it. But then she comes closer, slips her hand into his hair, and he's frozen because part of him is exultant because he really has wanted this but part of him can't believe it's happening, that he's letting it happen. She rests her forehead on his, her other hand coming to rest on his shoulder.
And he knows he shouldn't indulge any of this but the Force is settled warm and Light in his stomach and Satine's eyes are so bright and it's the easiest thing in the world to reach up, tangle his own fingers in her soft blond hair, and tilt his head to kiss her. And he's a little clumsy, and a lot scared she'll pull away, but her fingers tighten on his shoulder and she actually laughs a little, like she's surprised, and then she lifts her face so they can kiss better and he's never done this before, ever, and he can't help but wonder why not.
It's not a long kiss, or even (he suspects) a particularly good kiss, but Satine's eyes are sparkling and some of the heaviness in his chest has eased and he smiles despite himself.
"Your beard scratches," Satine says coolly, leaning back a little.
"Oh, my apologies, Duchess," he retorts, raising an eyebrow. "Is that really what you're concerned about right now?"
...
"Yes, in fact," Satine says, but her eyes are (too) bright and she knows she's not convincing him. "I told you to shave that ridiculous thing off. It hides too much of your face." And she runs her fingers through said beard, lightly cupping his jaw in her hand.
"Well, I happen to quite like my beard," Obi-Wan says, almost affronted, and she can't quite help it: she laughs.
"We do seem to find ourselves at odds rather frequently," she observes, and stars but his eyes are glowing and he looks happy and she really wants to kiss him again. (She's wanted to do this for over a decade.)
But this goes against everything he believes and she's not sure, doesn't know what this means. "Indeed we do," he says softly, smiling down at her, and it's almost too much.
Satine pulls away abruptly, feeling the joy turn to ashes in her stomach. "I can't do this, Obi-Wan," she tells him, doesn't look at him (knowing the hurt on his face will utterly break her). "You won't allow yourself this, and I cannot-it's not fair to me," and her voice breaks as she struggles to explain. "Don't kiss me unless you are willing to stay."
There are tears in her eyes for some reason. She swallows them.
...
Obi can't pretend that's not a reasonable thing for her to say. She's probably even right. He's indulging himself now, pretending he can just… have this. But he knows it's because he's tired and lost and lonely. He shouldn't have ever said anything to her, because now she'll be hurt and he'll be guilty. He can't promise her he can stay, can't just do that.
But he wants her, and right or not, it's all he can do not to just kiss her again, make whatever promises she wants if she'll just smile again and he doesn't have to see her walk away. And Force , she looks hurt and exhausted, and she won't meet his eyes, and he just wants to hold her but he can't make a promise , not now. Not when he's unbalanced. He makes himself pull back, tuck his hands into the sleeves of his robe, and looks down. "I'm sorry, Satine," he says softly, tries to just let it go. Just forget it. There is no passion, there is serenity . "I want to stay, I- That was cruel, I know. I'm sorry. I can't… I have to know I won't regret it, if I'm going to stay." Force he just wants to stay with her but he's so lost right now and he shouldn't have done any of this the way he did.
...
Satine swallows convulsively, takes a shaky breath. "I understand," she says.
(She doesn't.)
This is, she thinks, just another way for him to refuse without actually telling her no, as though he thinks this will hurt less-when, in fact, it hurtsmore. She's tired and hurt and she misses him, misses the closeness they'd had in the year they'd spent together, before he'd realized that what he felt was love. He says he wants to be sure.
She knows him well enough to know that surety will never exist.
He's a Jedi, and he cannot let go of his Code enough to love.
"I am sorry about the men," she tells him, doesn't quite meet his gaze, too afraid to see what lies within. (Afraid to see nothing.) "I'm afraid I must depart, but you know how to reach me if you need me. Goodnight, Obi. I… I did mean the promise I made you."
And she turns, then, slips away, and she tries not to feel like her heart is still on the rooftop.
Anakin can already tell something's wrong with Obi-Wan, just by the way his former Master's mind feels almost… disorganized.
Obi-Wan Kenobi is never disorganized.
The second clue is when he arrives at Padme's apartment to see a tired Satine Kryze leaving, tearstains on her ivory cheeks.
"What the kriff happened?" he asks his wife as soon as they're alone (after greeting her with a thorough kiss, of course, because he does have priorities).
Padme sighs, closes her eyes for a moment, takes a deep breath. "Obi-Wan kissed her. And also told her he still loves her." Anakin thinks he can see where this is going. "But he wouldn't commit to anything, and he didn't stop her when she left."
"So what you're saying is that I need to have a talk with him," he says, taking her hand and following her to their bedroom.
She smiles. "Ani, we'd be terrible friends if we let the two of them wallow in misery like this-but it can wait until tomorrow. Tonight, you're mine."
He doesn't dispute that; after all, he'd learned long ago not to argue with his Senator.
The next day, Anakin seeks Obi-Wan out in the Temple. Both of them are on a rare leave, but the 501st is scheduled to head back out later that day, so the window of opportunity is slim indeed. His former Master is holed up in his quarters with a datapad, probably reading. Obi-Wan is always reading.
"Anakin," Obi-Wan says, sitting up with a warm smile, setting the datapad aside. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"
Anakin smiles (he doesn't think his Master will be doing much smiling once he answers the question). "To Padme, actually, Master. Your girlfriend had a chat with her yesterday."
He's expecting the typical almost-sharp denial, but instead Obi-Wan just looks away, something like pain crossing his face as he says, quietly, "She's not my girlfriend, Anakin."
...
Why can't Anakin just leave well enough alone? Obi is so tired . And he's sure he can guess what Padmè and Satine "had a chat" about and he doesn't want to talk about it with Anakin, because he knows what his padawan will say.
"Master, I don't understand ." Anakin sits down next to him, frowning, and Obi-Wan sighs, pinches the bridge of his nose. "You told her loved her and then you just let her leave?"
" Yes , Anakin, that's an excellent summary of what happened," Obi snaps.
" Why? "
Obi-Wan doesn't even totally know why he did any of it. He's just worn out and he'd been lonely and lost sight of the point of it all and now he doesn't know what he wants. "I don't know, Anakin, because attachments are forbidden? Because I can't just break the Code and betray what I believe in?" He hopes he doesn't sound as bitter as he feels. "Not everyone can just dismiss that like you and your padawan."
"But why would you tell her, Master?" Anakin presses, frowning. "If you were just going to change your mind?"
" I don't know ," Obi hisses. "You know what happened, half my battalion died, and I left behind my wounded, and I was upset and I… I don't know."
...
This is far, far more serious than Anakin had realized.
"Look, Master," he tries, frowns a little, "if she loves you, and you love her, I don't understand what the problem is. You're just hurting both of you by refusing to-" refusing to what? What even is the word for this? Obi-Wan has clearly accepted his feelings for Satine, and even admitted them, and… "You kriffing kissed her, Master, come on!"
Obi-Wan sighs, closes his eyes. "I know that, Anakin, I was there."
The sarcasm is out in full force. This is bad. "Please just listen to me, Obi-Wan," Anakin pleads, leaning forward. "You hurt her. She was crying."
Obi-Wan's eyes open, and he stares at his one-time Padawan with sheer anguish in his eyes. "Don't you think I don't know that? Anakin, she asked me to stay, and I can't-I can't just turn my back on one of the central tenets of the Code I've lived my whole life by!" His chest heaves with more emotion than Anakin has ever seen him show.
"But… Master," Anakin starts softly, "what if the Code is wrong?"
"Not this again, Anakin," Obi-Wan starts, but Anakin cuts him off.
"No. Let me finish. Master Yoda is always talking about the will of the Force, and how meditation is essential for a Jedi because that's how we divine the what the will of the Force is," which is absolute bantha-shit in Anakin's opinion, although maybe that's just because he hates sitting still for that long. "And, anyway, that the will of the Force should be primary directing force-" ha, ha, "-behind what we do." Which is part of why this kriffing war makes no sense. The Jedi shouldn't be fighting a war at all, much less for the Republic. Politically, this will forever ruin their unbiased third-party impartiality so many worlds and systems and species and governments seek out in mediation. And the Force doesn't seem to even wantthis war. … but that's a tangent, and he needs to stay focused. "Do you remember the way the Force felt on Kiros?"
Anakin doesn't think he could ever forget the Lightness, the warmth, the rightness of that night. The Force had sang as he spun his wife around the square, had exulted in the way Rex kissed Ahsoka under the light of the stars; Anakin is fighting a war against his soul, against the horrible anger and rage and Dark he tries so, so hard to box up in the back of his mind (he wants more, and he shouldn't, he's not the Jedi he should be), but for that night, laughing and singing and spinning to the ebb and flow of the music, he'd felt balanced.
...
"I remember," Obi-Wan says, quietly. It had been the first time in years that the Force had felt truly Light and good and alive - Obi remembers when he was a youngling and the Force always felt that free and clear. It had made sense to dance, to revel, to permit and ignore what he normally wouldn't. He hadn't been drunk but there had been so much energy humming through his veins, so much elation, that he might as well have been.
He'd almost felt like the Force approved of it all, of the closeness and love and passion, and he can't forget that, although he thinks that can't have been right .
"The Code would say that was all wrong , Master," Anakin says fiercely, and Obi frowns and shakes his head a little, automatically, because that's not what the Code means, it's just-
There is no emotion, there is peace .
There is no passion, there is serenity .
The dance under the stars on Kiros had been brimming with passion and joy and love , but harmony, too, and a depth of peace that Obi had almost forgotten. Balance . He doesn't know what to say to Anakin about that, because he knows the rules about attachment and what the Code says about emotion but… He doesn't know.
"What if it was?" he says, miserably. It had felt right but he doesn't trust himself on what feels right just now, not after how disastrously it's all turned out with Satine.
Satine . It hurts to think about her, how cruel and unthinking he'd been. And yet he can't bring himself to totally regret it, not all of it. He should, he thinks, but he doesn't. But he can't have that , not unless he's sure.
"The Jedi made the Code," Anakin says. "Because they thought they knew the will of the Force. But maybe they're just wrong about what it is."
"Wiser men than us made it, Anakin," Obi-Wan says sharply. "Just because we feel we know better doesn't mean we do . We have to have some larger authority than our own judgement." He remembers Yoda telling him and his class, when he was just an initiate, that the Force was to be their guide, that if they learned to listen to it, they would know what to do. Well, Obi doesn't know and he feels like the Force isn't communicating with him anymore, not properly.
...
And once upon a time, Anakin would have agreed. Part of him still does (he remembers people don't always agree and then they should be made toand that sounds an awful lot like a dictatorship to me), but that's not an infallible system. "So we blindly follow everything these wiser men say? Sounds an awful lot like slavery to me." A pause. "Why don't you ask Rex and Boil and the survivors of Umbara how that worked out for them, Obi-Wan?"
And Obi-Wan flinches. "Krell was different-"
"Krell was a Jedi Master!" Anakin shouts, standing, feels the familiar rage rising up in him-he clenches his fists, grits his teeth, turns away for a moment, struggling to master his emotions. "The point is," he finally manages, taking a deep breath, "if we don't question our teachings and our teachers, even our doctrine, we'll stagnate, we'll never grow or change, we-we might as well be battle droids!"
Why can't Obi-Wan, the rest of the Jedi, why can't they see? The Jedi are just… stuck. Hells, Master Yoda's been Grand Master for how many centuries now? He realizes, abruptly, that this is why politicians usually have max terms of service, because no matter how good you start out, eventually things will just get stuck, because-
Because there's no change, because even a system that works perfectly needs new blood, new minds, new ideas. And a corrupt or broken system with only one person with any real control (that sounds an awful lot like a dictatorship to me) can get stuck in endless debates and-
Oh, kriff. Kriff, kriff, kriff.
Obi-Wan's saying something, but Anakin can't hear over the sudden roaring in his ears. The blood drains from his face and he stares down at his hands, eyes going wide. What has he done? For the Republic, for the Senate.
For the Chancellor.
A corrupt or broken system with only one person with any real control can get stuck in endless debates instead of doing what's necessary for the people.
"Anakin?"
No. Oh, no. He can't be right.
"Anakin, you should sit down. Is something wrong?"
He jerks his gaze up to his Master, breathes out, "What if someone exploited society's tendency to stagnate without new input?"
He remembers Padme complaining about all the new bills being introduced, bills that just seemed like fancy words hiding reasons to prolong the war; telling him about how no one had even tried to sign a treaty with the CIS Senate, and the Chancellor had never even suggested it. Remembers the war dragging on and on and on, and no one even knows what the point of any of this is anymore, remembers half the Separatist worlds not even wanting this war.
Remembers always two there are, no more and no less, and Dooku with a red blade.
But he can't, he can't, this can't be true. Can't be. The Chancellor is a good man.
"Anakin, what are you thinking?" Obi-Wan asks, soft and concerned.
He almost opens his mouth to let everything spill out, but-the Chancellor has been there for him when the Jedi weren't, has always believed in him. (The Senate voted more emergency powers to the Chancellor today, Padme says with a heavy sigh, tilting her head up for a kiss. And, coincidentally, the first thing he did was force yet another bill prolonging the war to pass. I don't like it, Ani, it doesn't make sense.) He can't say anything, not yet, because if he's wrong… and they would know, they would feel it in the Chancellor's Force-signature…
(The Sith have techniques the Jedi have no knowledge of, a voice whispers. The fabled Jedi foresight has gone silent. Master Windu can no longer see shatterpoints. The Dark Side clouds everything.)
"Padme says the war should've ended years ago," he starts, careful, "but bills keep getting passed that just make it keep going." He can't quite give voice to the whispers in his head-the part of him that's so good at strategy that tells him this war would never have happened without someone on each side, the voice that says, if you wanted to be a dictator, to have absolute control and power, the surest way is to make stability worth more than freedom. Obi-Wan is a strategist. If any of these… speculations, these instincts, actually make sense, Obi-Wan will figure them out. "She says it doesn't even seem like any of the Separatist Senate wants this war, except for a few worlds, and that if we tried to ratify a treaty the Separatist Senate would probably disown Dooku and the droid army."
The Chancellor is a good man. Isn't he?
...
Obi-Wan has no idea where these questions are coming from, why Anakin suddenly looks shaken to the core, why his thoughts are a sudden mess of suspicion and fear - and while he won't deny he's glad Anakin seems to have left the subject of Satine and the Code and whether it's right or not behind, Anakin's questions worry him. "It's easy for people to lose sight of their principles during wartime, Anakin," he says wearily, knows how true it is of himself and even the Council. "Sometimes without their knowing it. It's possible - highly likely, even - that many of our Senators don't want peace as much as they claim, but would much rather have retribution for everything the Separatists have done in this war. You remember when a peace treaty was almost arranged with the Separatists and they bombed us - plot or no, people won't soon forget that."
Anakin doesn't look appeased, at all - Obi-Wan nudges their bond, hoping for clearer answers, a better idea of what his former padawan is thinking.
"What if…" Anakin swallows, shakes his head, and Obi can feel his uncertainty about what he's going to say. He tries to project encouragement, understanding, a promise not to judge. "What if the war hasn't ended because… because someone needs it to keep going?"
Obi-Wan frowns, rubs his beard. Any number of people always profit off of war, he's learned that much - politicians, the banking clan, merchants, arms dealers, smugglers, bounty hunters. Most concerning of those would be the Sith - war is chaos and hell and disaster, everything that feeds the Dark Side. It would make sense for the Sith to work to keep this war going. "It wouldn't surprise me if someone were, Anakin," he says, carefully. "Why, what are you considering?"
Anakin still doesn't look at all certain, but Obi knows that rarely stops him from acting. "The Chancellor keeps getting more emergency powers," he says. "The longer the war goes on, the more they vote to give him, but the war still keeps going. If he was really using those powers to try to stop the war, wouldn't things have gotten better by now?"
"Are you suggesting that the Chancellor is trying to prolong the war for his own gain?" Obi says, can't totally keep the shock out of his voice. The idea is unlikely, at best - Sheev Palpatine has been one of the most vocal supporters of ending the war since it began. (But words are easy, Obi knows that, and politicians aren't exactly known for their honesty. Even well-loved men like Sheev.)
"Yes," Anakin says.
"But to what end ?" Obi asks. If Palpatine were not the Chancellor, if his connections and pursuits weren't watched so closely, he might be more inclined to listen - with a small, inconspicuous Senator, he might suspect connections to smugglers or weapons manufacturers, but someone would have found that out about Palpatine years ago if that were the issue.
"The best way to keep the Republic from noticing its loss of freedom is to make them feel safe," Anakin says, and alright, that makes sense , but why? "If he wanted-"
Anakin's wristcomm pings, and Obi-Wan frowns, wants to tell him to ignore it, but of course they're at war and that's unwise. Anakin holds up a hand and answers the comm. "Yeah?"
"Sir," it's Rex, "we've received a call for backup from General Windu on Cato Neimoidia. They're being overrun and they need us, now."
"Copy that, Rex, thanks," Anakin says, and his voice is tight with frustration.
Obi-Wan sighs and nods. "You should go."
"Yeah." Anakin hesitates, and Obi waves his hand.
"We can discuss this when you get back, Anakin, but this is priority, of course."
His former padawan nods shortly, turns to go, then stops. "You should at least think about what I said, Master. About Satine, I mean."
"Yes, of course," Obi sighs. He's sure he will think about it, far more than he should, like he does most of the things Anakin says. Apparently satisfied, Anakin leaves, already snapping orders into his wristcomm. Obi-Wan picks up his datapad again, an unsettled feeling in his stomach. Nothing feels clear to him anymore.
...
Satine has to admit she feels better after talking to Padme-her good friend often has that effect. She returns to the apartment she's calling homeuntil the threat to her life has passed feeling resolved to pretend the encounter never even happened.
And she does well for the first few hours, but then evening comes and she can't stop thinking about the way Obi-Wan had kissed her, the way for that brief moment everything had felt right, before it all just crumbled down. She'd known it couldn't last, that he wouldn't stay. So-so why does it hurt so much to be proven right? It shouldn't hurt. She should just… pretend nothing ever happened, go back to the familiar fighting, but-
But to hear that he's loved her for so long, that he still does, and then to have that yanked out from beneath her feet hurts worse than anything has since she'd had to say goodbye to him after that first year. And kriff, but she's crying now, thinking of those days, remembering the ease of their relationship back when he was just a padawan, before he realized what he felt was love and forbidden.
The hardest part of all of this is that despite the fact that she knows it will only cause her pain, such pain, she also knows she cannot cut her Obi-Wan out of her life. She needs him too much to do that.
No matter how much it hurts in the end.