A ship, large and ominous, hovered just outside the planet of Omeprazole like an eclipse. Space, though usually silent, was filled with commotion as noise could be heard from inside the black scorpion-esque shaped vessel. In the dome of its command center, explosions throughout the ship were ignored as the battle of good and evil took place- the hero and villain were locked in their cosmic crusade. Penn Zero, young, hair black and blue for his current incarnation, smiled smugly at the snarling man- their light swords crisscrossing and scissoring as they fought for dominance.
"Give up, Rip ol' boy. Your droids were taken out, Sashi is busy blowing up every system of your ship, even Boone has LARRY distracted." A small grunt was uttered as his foe pressed harder into their blades. Penn easily compensated with a quick shift of his feet. "I'm tellin' ya, you're just not gonna win this one. Sorry, not-sorry."
The sly, unsettling smirk the villain wore told Penn that Rippen didn't agree on the matter. Was he anyone else, the hero might be worried that his foe had something evil up his mechanical sleeves, but this was Penn Zero, and his infallible confidence that justice would always prevail kept him grounded and focused.
"Oh, you think so, do you?" Rippen's face was uncomfortably close now. Seriously, gross, what did this guy have for breakfast? Their laser swords strained against one another, casting their faces in an eerie glow. "I may have failed to extinguish this solar system's sun... but now I'm thinking I'd much rather extinguish its hero, instead!"
The ship suddenly shook violently- the explosions around the ship were finally beginning to do the vessel in. It was enough to knock the two off balance, Rippen faring slightly better due to his size, but Penn tumbled to the floor. Alarms and warnings began pouring from the ship's console and speaker systems.
"Ah yes, that would be my cue." Rippen grinned in delight,
"What was that?" Penn yelled over the blaring alarms. Rippen's smile was gone.
"I said-"
"Whaaat? I can't hear you over these alarms! Speak up!"
"I said!"
"Huh?"
"Oh, never mind!"
Rippen stepped backwards, and pushed a button on the arm of his mecha suit. A hologram of a smiling Larry popped up. Before he could be bombarded by his endless prattle, he cut in.
"Larry, I need you get to the nearest escape pod, do you understand? We're leaving. Now."
"I read ya loud and clear, Big Gu-" Rippen cut communications. Penn had just managed to climb back onto his feet as Rippen scurried into his own escape pod, but Penn had other problems to deal with now. He looked around, frantically, at the ship deteriorating around him. They had to get out, too, or they were going down with the ship- which was exactly what Rippen had planned for them, he was sure of it now.
The young hero accessed his own holocommunicator, Sashi and Boone popping up, looking just as worried as he felt.
"Uh, guys? I think it's about time we get the heck out of here."
"No, you think?" Sashi spat back.
"Yeah, not dieing was like, number three on my list of goals for the day, so..." Boone added.
"Great! Glad we're on the same page." The two holograms were replaced by a single one with the push of another button, a rather grumpy looking alien with ridges on his head.
"Hey, Rarf, buddy!"
Rarf just glared and grunted. Penn grimaced as the ship heaved again- had he known his life would eventually rely on this guy, he might have tried getting along with him better.
"Uh yeah, listen, we kiiinda need you to get us out of here before, y'know, haha," He made a boom sound effect, followed by a gruesome splattering sound.
Another grunt, and communications were cut from Rarf's side, but seconds later, the three heroes were teleported safely back into their own ship.
Seconds before Rippen's ship exploded into a million pieces of shrapnel.
The explosion was enough to rock the heroes' ship, and enough to do some serious damage to the fleeing escape pods. The pods' occupants were battered against the sides- Larry less so as he had known enough to wear a seatbelt- as they hurdled toward the planet below in two flaming metal orbs. Penn, Sashi, and Boone all fist-bumped before flashing out in streams of blue light- their inter-dimensional conductor, Phyllis, drawing them out of the world and bringing them home.
The two part-time villains weren't as lucky, as their pods crashed into Omeprazole- their borrowed bodies taking the impact in full. Larry, ever the cheerful and excitable, was the first to crack open his tiny orange vessel- the side door lifting upwards like a lamborghini. Unbuckling his seatbelt he stretched.
"Ooooh boy, talk about a bumpy ride! I haven't been on something that rough since I was a kid! Though, I don't think the washing machine got NEARLY as much air as this baby did." Patting the escape pod affectionately, the minion sighed. "Not bad, though, not bad. What d'ya think, Rippen, yay or nay on doing a round two?"
The pod not too far away from his cracked open, revealing a completely disheveled villain- upside down. With a creak of metal against metal, Rippen found himself falling forward before landing on the hard purple ground of the planet- directly on his face.
"Is that a... nay?" Larry ventured. When Rippen didn't answer, didn't move, he frowned. "Yeah, that seems like a nay to me. That's okay! Maybe later."
It took a lot of energy to break through the pain and apathy enough for Rippen to pry himself off the ground, but he managed. The only thought that kept him from just laying there forever was the thought of soaking in a nice hot bath at home, away from work, away from Penn Zero, and most of all, away from that incessant chattering in his ear.
"Larry... I, I just want to go home, alright? Soak in my misery alone for awhile, maybe actually enjoy my weekend for a change."
Larry wasn't sure how 'misery' and 'enjoying yourself' were in any way connected, but he respected his friend's point of view.
"I gotcha. I should probably get home and feed Tony. I'll bet the little guy is worried sick, wondering where I've been. Did I tell you what he did the other day? No? Well I'll tell you anyway. Okay so, you know those little cookies that come in-"
Larry's voice faded into buzzing in the background as Rippen tuned him out, already calling Phil to get them out of there.
"Phil, we lost. Again." It was obvious that Rippen was chuffed about having to say that out loud. Hadn't Phil been paying attention?
"Yes, I know."
"...You know? Then why in the world are we still here?"
"There is minor problem with machine."
"...How minor?"
"Mmmm... not very. Ice cream gum up works pretty bad. Might take awhile to fix."
Rippen was just about to ask what sort of idiot would leave ice cream on priceless interdimensional technology, when he was interrupted by the sound of his number two gasping.
"Aww, it melted? Well poo, there goes the surprise!"
Of course, THAT kind of idiot. The goblin-esque man was flabbergasted, his mouth agape as he looked down at his minion.
"You…" Confusion turned into pure rage. "YOU DID THIS?! Larry, do you have ANY inkling of an idea of WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!"
"Uh… waste ten dollars on pint-sized containers when I should've just got a gallon of munchy crunchy for us to share?" Larry had ventured to answer.
Rippen was seconds away from just picking up the roly-poly man and punting him across the purple field like a football. Insteaded he brought his hands to his face as he dragged down the skin on his cheeks- making his bottom rim of his eyes exposed.
"You stranded us in the middle of flippen nowhere is what you did, Larry!" Rippen growled. "Oh, I can't believe this! Of ALL the mindless stupidity you've done, this HAS to be at the top of the list!" The villain turned back to his communicator as he addressed the man on the other line. "What are we supposed to do, Phil?! We've practically sitting ducks to millions of dangerous and alien life!"
Phil blinked, not phased in the slightest.
"Not having cooked goose would be a place to start." Rippen groaned at the joke, the technician continued. "Relax. I said it won't be taking long. Just enjoy planet for a while and be taking in scenery. Phil out."
Rippen grumbled as the call had ended, and cast a glare out over their surroundings.
"Right, and I'm supposed to enjoy this?" Hues of purple stretched out in all directions under a bright orange sky. The grass was purple, the trees and shrubbery were purple, and it was making Rippen feel ill. He squinted and made a sound of disgust.
"It's like we've fallen into some horrible kiddie cartoon. It's making my eyes itch!"
Apparently Larry was finished with his cookie story, because suddenly he was right beside him, patting his arm.
"Aw, I think you're just tired. Besides, it reminds me of sherbet ice cream! Doesn't it remind you a little bit of sherbet, Rippen?"
"No, Larry, I can't say that was my first thought in the slightest."
Rippen was surprised to see Larry drop it at that with a shrug, but thought nothing of it after that.
"Well, first thing's first, we'd better find us some shelter! We don't know how long a day lasts here, and I tell ya, you do not want to be caught outside at night when the bears come out. Did I ever tell you about the time I-"
Rippen was only half listening, but followed Larry's lead in a stupor. Since when did Larry take charge of things, and since when did he know about being stranded in the middle of nowhere? The art teacher followed the other man deeper into the unknown, the field they had crashed in being close to a forest of fuschia foliage. Larry effortlessly made his way through, pushing branches to the side- only to snap back into Rippen's face. By the third whack the villain had grown to accept his slapstick of a fate.
Rippen nearly tripped over his minion when Larry suddenly stopped. He was just about to yell at him, when the smaller man pointed off into the distance in excitement.
"LOOK! Shelter! SEE, I knew we'd eventually find something!"
Rippen wasn't impressed.
"I'm not going in there."
"Aw, why not sugar?" Larry asked with a small frown- his lips pursed in the slightest. "I REALLY don't think it's a good idea to stay out here. The Junior Woodchuck's manual states-"
"Wait, hold on, " the villain interrupted, " since when have YOU been a boy scout?"
"Oh! Since FOREVER! You mean I never told about the badges I had as a kid?"
"No."
"Not even the fact I'm an honorary troop leader and sometimes take boys out camping on weekends? Aw, c'mon, I HAD to at least mention that!"
"No," Rippen repeated. Though, in all honesty, there was a chance it was mentioned in one of the baby-man's endless prattle sessions. Rippen did have a habit of quickly tuning out when his brain started to shut down from the stupidity- which, admittedly, tended to be very quickly while around his number two. Still, best not to mention any of that.
Larry's frown deepened.
"HUH, really was sure I would've said something. Oh well! No biggie! But yeah! Manual says that first thing is to find yourself a shelter away from the elements. Then there is finding food and water, and starting a fire. Especially the fire bit- we don't know how cold it's gonna get here. And you do NOT want to freeze out in the middle of nowhere. I did that once, but that wasn't nowhere, it was my walk-in freezer. Still pretty awful though!"
The part-time villain rolled his eyes, folding his arms across his chest in defiance.
"Be that as it may, Mister Troop Leader , I still REFUSE to go in there. Remember your bear talk earlier? I do. And bears happen to LIKE caves, Larry. They like to LIVE there. And with MY luck there will be one in there waiting for us, and coming straight for me!"
"But Rippen-" Larry argued.
"Nono, no buts! I am staying right here!" Rippen's defiance instantly melted away as the orange sky cracked- suddenly a deep scarlet red. Yellow droplets fell from the overcast, heavy and thick and instantly soaking the villain through his robotic suit- causing it to short circuit. Rippen sighed.
"Well don't just stand around like a dunderhead! Let's go in already!"
The cave may have provided shelter, but it did not offer peace of mind for Rippen. He had hoped for a reprieve from the blinding array of colors that had assaulted his eyes since they had gotten there. Surely a cave would be the place to find a more subdued atmosphere, right?
The bright blue rocky walls that now surrounded them spoke of a different fate.
Their mecha-suits lay side-by-side in a heap on the other side of the cave. They had been soaked and rendered as nothing more than useless anchors to hinder their movement and comfort. Rippen sat huddled up against a wall in his under clothes, shivering from the cold, glaring out at the falling rain, full of disdain.
Larry was playing with sticks and rocks or something stupid like that, Rippen couldn't really care less. That was, until the noise became so deafening that the villain could no longer tune it out. His silent frustrations turned to rage as he growled- jumping from his seat as he marched around the corner and deeper into the cave.
"LARRY!" No response, and the noise continued. Rippen went in deeper. "Larry, I swear, if you don't cut that offensive racket, I'll-"
Whatever threat he had prepared died on his lips as he came to a standstill. Where the entrance of the cave had been what one would expect- a rock with a hole in it- Larry's corner (which he found himself referring to it) was not the ordinary. Larry, who must have been going back and forth collecting material for some time now, had constructed himself a fully furnished living room. Loveseats, a table, leaf rugs- he had even found the time to make a little centerpiece of some sort of alien purple lilies. Larry, Rippen had found, was off to the side with his little rock hammer- putting the finishing touches on a stand.
"Oh! There you are, Rippen." The principal spoke with his usual contentment, barely even phased by the fact he had pulled a home decor miracle out of his sleeves. "Like what you see, huh? Just thought I'd make us a cozy little place. Just because we're not home doesn't mean we can't have fun with it. And look!" There the excitement was once more, as he motioned towards his stand. "I even made us a bar! Not that I condone drinking, you know, but it's fun to play host sometimes. Like this one time, like three summers ago, when I threw a little get-together for my 'Teddy Roosevelt figurines of the month' club, when Susan-"
Rippen, as usual, wasn't listening. He was busy gaping at the spread before him. The hulking villain didn't see a cozy living space, no, he saw only another reason to be angry. Things always came so easy to Larry, didn't they? Life hadn't merely been good to the tiny man, it had been one miracle after another, his whole life through. And now it looked as if nature herself had bestowed upon him every comfort he could need while stranded on this feral paintball of a planet.
Larry hadn't even finished his story when Rippen took a deep breath, turned around, and left. The small man leapt to his feet and scurried after him, stopping in what could be considered the doorway.
"Hey, where ya goin'?"
"Back to my side of the cave, of course." Rippen murmured, without bothering to do much as glance back. "I'd like to get some sleep, if that's quite alright with you."
"Your side? Pfft, aw come on, we're on the same side, buddy! ... Rippen? Look! I even made you a cup holder out of a coconut-thing shell! It's pretty neat."
But his "buddy" didn't seem interested at all. He rounded the corner and he was gone. Larry frowned, but shrugged. He supposed he could understand if Rippen preferred to rough it.
Meanwhile, on his side of the cave, Rippen was mumbling to himself.
"I don't need Larry's charity." He told the rain. "He thinks he's so special, pah! I've got all I need over on my side. Like, like this rock, for example, yes!"
Rippen held up a blue rock- of course it was blue, everything was blue in there- triumphantly. When he realized no one could see his victory anyway, he began to feel silly and put the rock down, curling up and scowling as he decided that rocks made lousy pillows. It was with a heavy sigh that he pulled out his communicator once more, sitting up and fixing his hair before pressing the button. Rippen tried to make himself as cool and confident as he could; he may have been miserable and stranded in the middle of nowhere, but he still had his pride. after all.
"Yes, hello, Phil. How's it going?"
"Same as last time you rang," the technician stated bluntly. Phil was half inside the world-transporter's main tower- ripping out different components that the part-time villain had no clue what their functions were. Phil pulled himself out of the machine, face and top covered in oil. "Is something being wrong?"
"Oh, nothing's the matter." Rippen stated nonchalantly, pretending to be more interested in his nails. "Not like I'm trapped on an alien world, in a completely different dimension. Nono, just checking in with my good ol' buddy Phil- seeing how you're doing, and all that jazz. We never really TALK, do we? Never got to… you know, know the real Phil."
So he was grasping at straws, trying to hide the fact he was more than worried about the situation. Rippen knew it. And, worse, he knew that the Fishstick on a Stick owner knew it too. Phil's face was as unreadable as ever, as he responded boredly.
"Evil villains are not having buddies, Rippen. Nor is life up for discussion between boss and employee. Now, can I be getting back to work, or is scared man with skunk on head going to prattle in ear?"
"Oh! Yes of course, so sorry, you're busy, I'll just, check in later, hm?"
"I rather you don't." The screen went black. Rippen scowled at the device and mocked Phil's ending words, childishly. Forgetting an important detail, he let himself fall backward in defeat, ready to try and sleep away his misery.
"Ow! What in the-" He snatched up the loathsome thing he had just smacked his head on, and glared at it. "Oh, it's you again." He told the rock. He chucked it out into the driving rain, and it made him feel ever so slightly better.
Rippen stared up at the cave ceiling, flat on his back, arms outstretched. This is what his life had come to. Stranded in a strange dimension, with Larry, in a cave, in his underclothes. He was cold, he was wet, he was miserable, and the worst part was, he wasn't even able to enjoy it.
He was still contemplating just how much he hated everything in his life when sleep began to take hold at long last. The beeping from a wishful dream brought him to wakefulness at once, he shot up, snatching up his communicating device.
"Yes, you said something?" The amount of excited hopefulness in his voice was almost embarrassing.
The screen was still blank.
"Ah, I see." It was going to be a long night.