Disclaimer: I own nothing. I do not own the plot, I stole it from Sophocles, I do not own the characters, ditto, I don't even own half the words as they were written by my friend Becca [Faeirex] especially the poem at the end, I take absolutely NO, zero credit for this poem. So basically I own very little, about half the dialogue infact.
Authors Note: Ha Ha am obsessed with these now. This is basically something we were told to do in Classics to help us "revise." Revise? Me? NEVER! But nevertheless writing the play v fun. Hope it is funny rather than lame [like Oedipus… that was a bad joke I apologise]. Alright here goes.
Oedipus the King
Oedipus: [limps onstage] Hi, I'm Oedipus. I am a great king. [beams] My city is dying but as I'm such a nice guy I will everything I can to help.
Priest: We think you're great too.
Oedipus: I know. But as I'm such a great guy I'm modest too. I've sent my brother in law to the oracle to ask for help.
Priest: And conveniently he's just arriving.
[Creon arrives…oh and priest leaves]
Creon: I don't think you want to hear this.
Oedipus: Of course I do. Speak out.
Creon: Well……. [takes a deep breath] things won't be sorted out until you find the old king's murder. We have approximately no clues but luckily for us one man escaped the massacre to tell us of his tale. He said thieves cut them down.
Oedipus:[waving aside objections] No that's ridiculous. It must be part of a grand plot to kill the king! How dare you not avenge him?!
Creon: [angrily] Well we were kinda busy what with the sphinx destroying our city…
Oedipus: That is no excuse! I will avenge him!
Chorus: DEATH! Deaaaaaaaaaath! Death! DEATH! Oh and some more death.
Oedipus: I swear I will place a horrible punishment on whoever is guilty – even if it should happen to be me. Which of course it won't be… I don't know why I said that.
Chorus: Maybe you should send for Tiresias.
Oedipus: I already have. Oh look here he is. [Tiresias enters] Tiresias, I respect you and will listen to whatever you have to say.
Tiresias: I will never talk!
Oedipus: I'll ki…
Tiresias: All right you've forced it out of me. You did it!
Oedipus: How dare you! I'ts a plot isn't it? You've always had something against me! And I bet Creon did it too! [leaves angrily]
Tiresias: By the way you killed your father and married your mother. Oops too late.
[Tiresias leaves and Creon enters holding a plastic crown and occasionally trying it on and viewing himself in reflective surfaces. Oedipus enters, Creon quickly hides the crown behind his back.]
Oedipus: You're conspiring against me! You want to be king.
Creon: No I don't! Why on earth would you say that?
Oedipus: I don't believe you!
Creon: You want me banished?
Oedipus: No I want you dead/
Creon: You what?!
Oedipus: You don't think I'm serious?
Creon: I think you're insane! [A/N original dialogue for a while there by the way] Oh thank the gods, Jocasta's here! [Jocasta enters and he hides behind her.] Your husband's trying to kill me!
Oedipus: He's trying to kill me!
[Creon/Oedipus Am not! Are! Am not! Are!…]
Jocasta: Shut up! I'm sure you're both right.
Chorus: So are we… well actually we believe Oedipus.
Creon: [dryly] Thanks a lot.
Oedipus: He got Tiresias to tell me I killed Laius.
Jocasta: Well don't worry about that. I had a prophecy once but it never came true You know once I had a son who was destined to kill his father…
Oedipus: You know that sounds kinda familiar…
Jocasta: And don't worry about the Laius thing. Some shepherd saw it all and it was definitely thieves.
Oedipus: Call him now!
Jocasta: Ok, but only if you tell me about your sordid past.
Oedipus: If you like dear. Iused to be the prince of Corinth but at a party some drunk told me I didn't know my own parents and even though that was completely illogical I went to ask the oracle if it was true.
FLASHBACK
Oedipus: Are my parents my real parents?
Oracle: You will kill your father and marry your mother.
Oedipus: [angrily] That's not what I asked!!!…. wait. That's not good… I shall bravely run away from this.
END FLASHBACK
Jocasta:…sounds familiar.
Oedipus: And also in some bizarre coincidence on my way here I killed an old man with a crown at the crossroads because he wouldn't get out of my way.
Jocasta: That is a coincidence. Well I'm sure it wasn't Laius anyway.
Chorus: Of course not.
[Messenger enters out of breath]
Messenger: Oedipus! Your dad's dead!
Oedipus: YES! [gets weird looks] I mean… I didn't kill him. Unless of course he died of grief because he was parted from me.
Creon: [in a cough] Egomaniac!
Oedipus: Oh shut up! You're not even in this scene.
Creon: Well technically I never left…
Messenger: [to Oedipus ignoring Creon] You should go home. [Creon leaves]
Oedipus: Are you joking? I might accidentally marry my mother without noticing…even though I am already married.
Messenger: Don't worry about it. Luckily for you I happen to be the only person who knows she's not your real mum. I found you nailed to a mountain and took you back to Corinth.
Oedipus: You found me?
Messenger… er no. I'm not sure why I said that actually. You were in fact given to me by another shepherd.
Oedipus: Call him now!
Chorus: You already did. Conveniently he's the same shepherd who saw Laius' death.
Oedipus: Excellent. At last this mystery will be solved! Jocasta, why aren't you happy for me?
Jocasta: Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeee! [runs off stage]
Chorus: Well that was weird. What's with her? Oh well… Oedipus, you could be the son of a god!
Oedipus: Well I was too modest to say so but…[shepherd enters] oh look the shepherd!
Shepherd: Sorry I've forgotten everything. I think I'll go now.
Messenger: Not so fast, you gave me a child…
Shepherd: Did I? That's strange, I can't remember a thing. Must be amnesia or something.
Oedipus: If don't speak I'll have you beaten to a bloody pulp!
Shepherd: Hang on, I think it's coming back to me… your wife gave me a baby. Strange really – he was prophecied to kill his father too.
Oedipus: Aghhhhhhh! It was me! The prophecy has come true! [runs off stage]
Chorus: Now we'll talk to pass the time….
Messenger: The queen is dead!
Chorus: That's sad. [Oedipus enters]
Oedipus: I have blinded myself. [Creon enters with 2 small girls] Creon, look after my family and be king for me.
Creon: If you insist. But remember I am don't want to be king… I'm only doing it for you.
Oedipus: Banish me.
Creon: Okeydokey. By the way I've brought your daughters to see you not that you can ever see them ever again. Mwah hahahahahahaha… ahem.
Oedipus: My beloved children…
Creon: Now remember you did ask to be banished. Ta ta! [waves cheerfully as Oedipus is lead off]
Chorus: Violets are blue,
Roses are red.
Oedipus was great
Now he'd be happier dead.