A SLATE BEST KEPT BLANK
Summary: The road to humanity is paved with less than humane intentions. The cracked foundation to healing is scars. Sai doesn't understand what it means to be in touch with emotions and Naruto doesn't help but then does. Unknowingly, of course. And then Sasuke Uchiha comes into the picture. A look at Sai's life and how his emotions slowly but surely unravel, leaving trenches of ripped roots in the process.
Pairing: YAOI, not sure yet but something to the tune of SaiNaruSasu
AN: This story pretty much disregards the vast majority of the Naruto canon timeline. I'm doing this because I'm curious as to the dynamic between them this is probably going to be angsty because Sai's character is kinda tragic. And Sasuke. Also, I'm doing this as I go so idk where its really going. This was meant to be a oneshot or two but im currently at 25k words sooo.. I'm posting the second chapter tomorrow.
0.5 Prolouge
It's not that he never knew how to feel it's that he has been taught how to fight them, ignore them. Smother them like a blanket to a bright flame.
True standing Root members are the most loyal submissive soldiers Konoha has never acknowledged. But that kind of loyalty comes at a price and those of his creed are strangers in their own residence, their own home, their own body. Their thoughts, mantras and decisions are never truly their own. They follow blindly, ask no questions raise no flags, with no direction besides the one they are given. They are the foundations Konoha can anchor her roots in for safety.
He used to exist in a world of greys, the metallic scent of blood and fragmented shadows (it's the reason his strongest work is that drawn in black ink.) Mission work was analytical, separate oneself from the situation and act accordingly, even a if a hair's width deeper that kunai would've left you bleeding on the floor. There was no room for fear or hesitation only logic and instinct. It cost you your life and above that the mission.
He does not live, he exists and he exists for one sole purpose.
And then he meets Team Seven and in particular, Naruto Uzumaki and it all begins to change, slowly. Reintroduction into society is harsh, after spending his whole life quite literally hidden away it is foreign to associate with others that isn't through fists or basic necessary transactions. It's his toughest mission to date. Uchiha Sasuke is not eliminated and he finds himself placed in a team of incompetents it seems, he is used to being a professional team. Then the jinchurriki opens his mouth about the Uchiha.
Revenge they are told is one of the drives of unfit shinobi, it clouds the mind it invites corruption and most of all, error. It is unnecessary, granting a small bit a satisfaction in attempts to fix the damage that is done, more often than not much bigger than what that satisfaction can give. Naruto Uzumaki speaks so highly about his disgraced teammate that has done nothing but turn his back on him.
It doesn't make sense. It doesn't fit into the equations and ideals he holds, in Team Seven A plus B does not equal C but some other abstract concept whose name he does not know. Dickless fights for a person that for all intents and purposes seems to loathe the fact that he even exists.
But he speaks so highly of his bonds with others and their importance and it reminds him of someone, someone who once long ago meant something to him when the world wasn't one mechanical motion at a time and for the slightest of seconds it sends him reeling. His brother hasn't crept into his thoughts in what seems like years.
(Of course emotions are not that easy to fight and their treks remain like whispers in his ear.)
Naruto Uzumaki does something to him, he plants the smallest of seedlings in his mind of curiosity, of doubt, I want, it echoes somewhere in the deepest nooks and crannies of his memories and brain up there on the highest shelf that has gathered dust and cobwebs of memories long since forgotten, padlocked and labeled 'do not touch' in bolds and reds.
Danzo tells him Team Kakashi must be rubbing off on him, it's not meant as a compliment and he doesn't understand. It is not a jutsu or the actual rubbing of them against his arms so he doesn't understand.
It happens gradually, almost four months into being on Team Kakashi, but it happens. Sensations and feelings that he cannot identify, they are sometimes so subtle blurring on the edge of his conscious he almost misses them. At least that's how it starts out and then it merges into something he can't possibly ignore and it catches him off guard at certain moments. He realizes he identifies these leaks of emotion when they're accompanied by physical ailments. An acceleration in heart beat, the perspiration forming on his palm, the smallest tick of energy through his body that leaves him with a lesser patience.
Trained to be the perfect assassin and a pure blooded Root member he realizes this is something of an issue. Restlessness, he learns, hesitation, irritation, all symptoms of a bigger ailment of emotion he cannot deal with directly and he's stuck in a maze with no exit. There is no medicine or training that will overcome those side effects. It makes sense he observes detached, logically speaking Dickless' shrill voice can wear on anyone's patience. Foreheads abuse is painful enough to make anyone stop for the briefest of seconds.
So he does what he's always been so good at, he hides and he lies. He hides and lies to Danzo who is always watching and studies these sensations,...these ailments,...these symptoms on his own time.
It uproots him, upturns the essential core part which is cold and mechanical like a well oiled machine and it leaves him with questions and no answers in sight.
It starts with Naruto Uzumaki and the sheer power in his words. Sai has no filter, he doesn't know when to stop and he has no brakes so when Naruto Uzumaki finds the singular thread of his conscious, his identity, his psyche and it starts the unwilling unraveling that was so nicely maintained in its own steel wire cage.
For Sai (but that's not even his real name) emotions are an ocean and he doesn't know how to swim. The mind and soul are a powerful thing and cannot be denied, and he will learn that the hard way.