Title: "Magical Assbabies"
Author: Sashocirrione
Spoilers: MAJOR Spoilers for everything up to chapter 58 of the manga and episode 25 of the anime.
Warnings: NO UNDERAGE READERS. Rated M for a reason. Sexual situations, coarse language, drug use. Mpreg (sort of, in the parody kind of way) and some definite moments of OOC. Crack fiction. Sexual misconduct and disrespect of trans issues.
Summary: L has a plan to get rid of Rem, but when it doesn't get the results he wanted, he turns to a very bizarre backup plan.
Pairings: LxLight, sort of
Additional Notes: All canon events previous to anime episode 25 (manga chapters 57-58) have occurred as normal.
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, and I do not make any money from these writings.
CHAPTER 1
L began stacking sugar cubes on the rim of his coffee cup, a delicate tower ready to fall inward at any moment, and considered what to do for the next step. Things were at a standstill, but Light had to make a move soon. What would Light do now that everything had changed so much? It was critical to either figure out Light's new plan, or to make a move that would force Light to act.
Really, the shinigami had been entirely too interested in the situation, not acting like a neutral party at all. Rem's actions of staring at Misa on the monitors, as if Misa weren't a stranger, and her evasive answers whenever important questions were asked, it all added up to a lot of trouble just waiting to happen. It had been obvious that Rem was somehow at least partly on the side of Kira.
To test this theory, L had pretended to go along with what Light and the rest of the task force wanted. He'd pretended to believe the 13-day rule. And then, he'd brought in the idea that he was actually just a proxy for the real L, and that the real L didn't approve of how things were going and wanted to inspect headquarters.
He'd had an entire fake argument with the fake L over a computer link, and then, on the day of the visit, he'd made sure the decoy was actually a criminal scheduled to be executed on that day. The fake L insisted that the 13-day rule needed to be tested, and everyone else argued against him.
That's when it happened. The shinigami had snuck away, and the fake L died of a heart attack immediately after. L organized a search for the shinigami, and in an equipment closet where the cameras had mysteriously shorted out, discovered a pile of sand and another notebook, this one with no rules written in it, but with the fake L's real name written down.
L hadn't been fast enough to prevent anyone from touching it. Matsuda had carelessly grabbed the notebook, so now there was no chance of testing the rule about destroying the notebook by using a criminal condemned to death. It was a shame. If only Matsuda hadn't touched it, a criminal could have been the only one to touch it, and then it could have been burned. And, if it turned out to be safe, then both cursed notebooks could be destroyed without delay.
Although L considered it fairly clear that the shinigami had killed in a way that could only be about protecting Light or Misa, or perhaps both, the other investigators did not agree, and there was currently no way to prove that. The deaths had stopped when the fake L died. The shinigami was missing too.
Either Rem did not care about dropping an additional notebook, or she had somehow turned into that sand. The sand was in a special room, being constantly monitored for any change. A surprise search of Misa's apartment had turned up nothing, and keeping Misa under constant surveillance for two weeks had also turned up nothing. Everyone else was getting impatient about Misa's rights and privacy being violated.
Light would do something. Was it his intent to wait out the situation? L placed one last sugar cube on the tower he was building on the rim of his cup, and watched the entire structure teeter and fall inward with a satisfying series of plops. Light was no closer to being proven as Kira than he ever had been. Suspicious circumstances, no matter how many of them there were, did not add up to proof. What was really needed was either catching Light in the act of killing or somehow forcing him to confess.
Testing the 13-day rule was a possibility, but the shinigami had killed for that reason before, and there was no telling if she was going to suddenly show up and kill for that again. Besides, proving the 13-day rule false would simply put Light under exactly as much suspicion as he'd been under before Higuchi had been located. It wouldn't actually prove Light was Kira. It would be justification for investigating Light further, but without the deaths continuing, Light would simply wait out any investigation by doing nothing. Light was smart enough to know when he was being watched, and the result would be exactly the same as it had been before, when 64 cameras had been placed in Light's room. Light would reveal nothing.
What was needed now was an unexpected move, something that would shock Light and unbalance him, putting him in a situation where he'd be likely to make a mistake. If a situation could be created like that, especially if Light wasn't able to rely on his intelligence but was forced to act a certain way regardless of whether it was a good idea or not, then there was a chance of at last obtaining the desired proof.
L thought about various scenarios, finding all of them flawed. No matter what, it would be difficult to catch Light. If the killings had still been continuing, it would be far simpler, but without that, there were only a few possible tricks that could be pulled, and all of them were desperate.
Yes, and considering everything, the trick that was most likely to work was quite unethical. The other investigators would need to be talked into it. It was the best hope, though, of getting any proof soon. It would need to be done. There wasn't much choice, and everyone was running out of time. Letting Light pull a trick first would probably be lethal.
As L sipped his sweetened coffee, he thought, Yes, it is time to do something radical and unexpected.
A/N (Author's Note):
I think you can perhaps guess where it is going from the title, but I hope to still surprise a little.
This is another one of those short fics that I sometimes can't help producing when I'm hard at work on my longer fics and I just need to take a rest now and then and work on something different to get the creativity flowing again.
I like the idea of L realizing that Rem could be on Kira's side (in canon he had all the clues he needed to guess at that) and deciding that he didn't need to outsmart Light, only to outsmart Rem. And then pulling some trick on her such as this. It's an idea that really could work well in a longer fic, however I haven't yet been inspired to write something longer centered around that idea, so I decided to put it in a short fic instead.
This fanfic is not being uploaded to my adult fan fiction dot net account, because that archive has very strict rules that forbid most parodies and I don't want my entire account there to get banned because of this fic.