Chapter 1: If Only
It had been a month after Imonoyama Owaru's – the eldest son of the Imonoyama clan – DEATH. The world suddenly seemed such a perfect wound for him…
If only there was a way to end all of these…
If only there was…
Suoh observed his Chairman from a distance. Ever since Owaru's funeral day, Nokoru had not spoken much to him and Akira. It was still fresh in his memory, how shocked the blonde man was when he discovered the bad news. And yet the worst not to come…
Just when the news reached the blonde, forgetting all the pain he was suffering by that time, Nokoru pulled all the IVs strings attached to his arms, jumped out of his bed, and rushed out from his room in the hospital to see it with his own eyes. He wanted to disbelieve the sight appeared in front of him….
But it was the fact…. A fact that no one including him could change...
Once again, before him laid the most beloved person he had ever had….
And there was nothing he could do about it….
Owaru died because of him….
That was for sure.
If only he didn't have to be in the hospital…. If only Owaru didn't have to come to see him or look after him….
He wouldn't die…
Owaru's death seemed to destroy everything he began to believe by that time….
His beliefs, his hope, and his future… Everything seemed to vanish along with his DEATH.
Nokoru was terribly shocked when he witnessed Owaru's dead body on the emergency bed. His blue eyes searched for help, but everywhere he threw his sight, there was no hopeful glare he could receive. All the gathering doctors and nurses bowed their heads deeply.
Why?
They were afraid….
Afraid to admit their failure to save such an important man on Earth….
He was terribly distressed… There was no way he could hold it any longer…. Nokoru pressed his nails deep under his silky blonde hair, and closed his sapphire eyes tightly…. Just in seconds, he started to scream, letting out all the burden, all the stress he had been carrying these times….
And Suoh was there…. Immediately he reached for his One, embraced him, and tried his best to take him away from the scene…. He was sure Nokoru couldn't stand more – after all that had happened to him recently….
He remembered the way Nokoru grabbed his arms tightly…. Nokoru did not say a word to him, but from his feared eyes, he could tell how desperate he wanted him to tell those sapphire eyes that none of this was really happening. That Suoh could make magic and turn back time to save Owaru from his unexpected death.
Doctors had to help him to calm Nokoru down as he kept on screaming and struggling. Only with the help of the drugs, they managed to take him back to his room. But the tragedy did not end there. In the funeral…. No one attended it. Only him, Akira and of course….. the hurt Nokoru. The rest of the Imonoyamas did not show up. Nokoru's father and mother did show up in the hospital to pay their last respect and love to their second son, but that was all. They even refused to see their youngest son, even though he was just couples of rooms away for the place they put Owaru's body. The rest of the Imonoyamas were warned not to attend the funeral, since the murder might happen again. Nokoru was warned too, but he refused to obey it. He kept insisting and kept telling everyone that he was the one who responsible for everything that had happened to Owaru. He had to be there to bid his brother good bye... even for seconds only... Of all the people on this world, he was the one who had to be there... He didn't even care if it would cost him his own life...
Nokoru stood in silence facing his brother's grave. He was dressed in black, a colour he rarely used as an outfit. He could hear the priest say his closing prayer. He could sight his bodyguards begin to carry his brother's coffin, and he was still not moving when they planted it in the open ground. But when they began to cover the grave with the soil, Nokoru broke down.
Instantly he dropped the bucket of flowers he had been holding, knelt down as if he himself was ready to jump and get buried as well. If not for Suoh's trained instinct and skill, he would not be able to grab Nokoru in time stopping him to throw himself into the grave.
No matter how hard Nokoru hit him and kicked him, Suoh didn't let go of him. Not even an inch Nokoru could get away from his embrace. Nokoru let a terrible long scream that deafened million of ears, but not Suoh's. He was there, he was not moving away and kept on whispering in his One's ear, trying to make him understand that he must let go of his brother. Suoh would stay there as he always would.
The whole month later, he spent not an inch less from Nokoru…. He was damned afraid his One would commit suicide. He had done all the prevention necessary…. He had checked all Nokoru's belonging time and again. He made sure no weapon or drug could be found nearby Nokoru….
Not even a single pin….
Everyone might think he was being over paranoid….
But he just didn't want the nearly-die-experience happened again for the second time. Not to Nokoru – his dear Nokoru…. The hurt Nokoru…
He knew Nokoru too well… All that had happened, Nokoru would assume it as his fault – that he was the one to be blamed….
If only NOTHING happened….
If only….
Suoh was being awakened from his thoughts when a slight hand placed on his right shoulder. He looked above to have a better sight of the hand's owner. It was Nokoru who he was thinking about yet he didn't realize the man had approached him quietly….
He was startled, and jumped out from his seat. 'No- Nokoru? What happen? Do you need something?'
He gave him a weak smile. 'I'm sorry to bother you… But I believe I have done all my works here.' He paused; his blue eyes shined tiredness. 'May I go home now?'
'S-Sure…. I will take you home…. Wait…. I get the driver to pick us….'
Before he could finish his words, Nokoru stopped him. 'Please. I want to be alone.'
Suoh looked at him disbelieving what he had just heard.
'I'm sorry…. But can I go home by myself?' He repeated his request; unsure Suoh was getting his point.
He was confused. 'But… But you can't do that…. It was too dangerous…. I can't let you to do that, after all that -' He paused, realizing it was a bad idea to make Nokoru recall the unpleasant memory. 'I have to go with you.'
Nokoru sighed. He knew he had no choice except to follow Suoh's 'order'. Quite funny actually…. He was the 'master' who had to follow the order from his 'bodyguard'….
He looked away, intending to hide his disappointment.
'Nokoru….' Suoh was very worried of Nokoru's respond. In normal situation, Nokoru would disagree and would give lots of excuses if he didn't want to follow his advice. But now, he acted totally different. And he was not sure what he had to face next….
'Fine, then. I'll go with you…' There was a slight answer from him. But it was obvious he was forced to agree.
'I know you think I'm too much. But I just worry about you….'
'No…' Nokoru shook his head. 'I understand. It's fine. Thank you for your attention.' He returned to his chair, and took few more papers to read while they had to wait for the car to come.
And…. that was it. No more sentence came out from Nokoru for the rest of the day. Suoh thought step by step he was turning into a 'living zombie'. Nokoru would sit if he was ordered to, stand, or even to go to sleep. Like a robot…. Waiting for command to be input….
He ate only a little food. Didn't mean he ate a lot before…. But nowadays, Nokoru seemed to lose his temptation to eat…. Or to Suoh's greatest fear… to LIVE.
Day after day, there was no significant change happened to Nokoru's behavior. On the contrary, his work performance was increasing. No more delayed paper work in the Council boardroom, and that went well with the Electronic Engineering Department as well. Before ones' ordinary's eyes, he was doing well after his brother's death. That finally he was able to accept his death. But that was not the fact!
If only they knew…
Nokoru entered his mansion. There was no big difference in it. Before, and after Owaru's death…. Cold in its elegancy, and calm as in the graveyard. But still he could sense something was missing…. He was standing in front of the main door, waiting for Suoh who was commanding the driver to put away the car. Tonight, Suoh would spend the night here again, just like the night before, and the night before…. It was obvious Suoh was paranoid to leave him alone. It was not he disliked being nearby his bodyguard - he loved him anyway. But there was time he wanted to be alone, all by his own.
Suoh would follow him everywhere he went, even to the bathroom if he permitted him to do so.
'I have told the driver to stand by here tonight, in case you have something urgent to do, and need to use the car…' Suoh approached him, ready to enter the mansion together with him.
Nokoru smiled. 'Do you think I would go somewhere later? It is already night time, Suoh.'
Suoh blushed. Yes…. He really didn't realize it. Being beside Nokoru everyday and every time, day and night seemed had no big difference for him nowadays. 'Sorry…. Should I ask him to leave then?' He put out his hand phone, and began to dial a number.
Nokoru slightly shook his head. 'Doesn't matter… He could stay here. We had a place behind the mansion for him to sleepover.'
The door opened. The old governess of the Imonoyama family greeted them with full respect. 'Welcome, Nokoru-sama… Takamura-sama….'
'Thank you.' Nokoru replied him, and he entered the mansion followed by Suoh.
Both of the men didn't say anything as they were walking towards Nokoru's bedroom. To Suoh, he had become familiar with the mansion. He memorized all the rooms inside it, the family's room, personal bedroom (even for the maids'), the kitchens, and even the toilets. He memorized every detailed perfectly. The furniture, the paintings, the windows, and moreover… he even was able to memorize the number of footsteps required to get from one room to another room.
As they reached the bedroom, carefully Nokoru opened the door, and walked towards his working desk, leaving Suoh behind to close it. He opened his laptop, and started to check all emails he newly received since the morning he left it.
It had been his routines every day. Suoh was a little worry about his health condition, since Nokoru was becoming a workaholic person recently. Over workaholic. He realized his master's action was escapism, and he could not stop it. Somehow Suoh thought it would be better for Nokoru to think of something else other than…
'Would you like me to get you any food? I believe you should have your dinner before you start working again…'
There was no immediate answer from Nokoru. He was busy reading the mails coming out from the laptop.
'Nokoru?'
The blonde stopped reading. Slowly he shook his head, without even glancing to his bodyguard, refusing the kind offer from him. 'No… Thank you…. I don't feel I can eat now…'
Suoh started to come closer to his desk. He could see clearly in those blue sapphire eyes the loneliness and the… hurt. There was no more shine coming out from those eyes. Yes… it had been quite a long time he never see his beautiful smiles, or hear his laughter.
If only he could bring back those moments….
He would do anything….
If only….
'But you got to eat…'
Suoh observed him; he had prepared himself for an argument Nokoru might put out. He knew him very well, if Nokoru was determined for something, he would do anything to have it done in his way…
The blue eyes replied the worried golden eyes' look. But it only lasted seconds, and then those eyes looked away again. Suoh wanted so much to hold his angelic face in order to keep those eyes look at him. But beyond his prediction, Nokoru gently nodded his head.
'I will eat then…' He answered shortly.
Suoh began to think he didn't understand him anymore. But he realized this was not the perfect time to question his One's behavior. He walked away from the desk, opened the door, and closed it leaving Nokoru alone in his room.
Nokoru sighed seeing his bodyguard left. He slowly got up from his chair. He could feel the pain in his ribs caused by his own sister. Hajime was in the medical treatment now. She was not allowed to go anywhere, and meet anyone, even her own family. Obviously she lived like in the jail now. Or may be in the hell…. She was definitely alone now.
All Imonoyamas were born to be alone….
He knew it. They knew it.
Feeling the pain in his body, Nokoru went to his bed to have his body rested. He sat on it thinking whether he would go straight to sleep…. That if he could have a sleep.
/May be I just go straight to bed, skipping the dinner…/
But just he was about to lay down his body, someone knocked at his door.
'Yes…. Please come in….' /Surely it was not Suoh…. But he's just gone few minutes ago…/
The door was opened. A young man appeared in shadow. From his athletic gestures compiled with the elegant footsteps, obviously he was an Imonoyama. If truth to be told, Nokoru didn't expect one of his brothers would pay him a visit, at least not now. After all that had happened…
And…
Not because he didn't want to see them…
If only…
He just scared.
He was afraid to face them. It was his fault that Owaru died. And the same thing happened to Douku… And even Hajime blamed him. He just didn't want any other Imonoyama to come and put the blame on his face. He knew…
It was all because of his fault….
If only…
If only he had power to prevent it…
'Nokoru-san?' A gentle voice called him.
The voice seemed to bring him back from his wandering thoughts. And he had to reply the voice, though he wished he could remain silent.
'Yes…. Come in, please…. Amaru-san…' He called the man's name. He felt a little bit strange to call the name for he couldn't remember the last time he called the name. It had been a long time before….
Amaru and him had never been closed. Or we could say, they hardly met each other. Even though Amaru's age was not far different with his, but they had a low interaction. They had never spoken each other, even having a communication through telephones.
Amaru considered himself as the family's 'failure'. If other members of the clan had an extraordinary talent or intelligence, Amaru didn't possess either of those. He was just an 'ordinary' person in the family. Didn't mean he was brainless, in fact, his intelligence was over average compared to common people – after all he was an Imonoyama.
Nokoru felt he would never understand Amaru. This brother of his had never possessed any company in the family. Even tough Amaru had a strong financial – he would be supported by the other Imonoyamas – but he had never interested in building his own business.
Nokoru realized one significant thing being an Imonoyama. Even though they were siblings, and they loved and supported each other, the sense of competition was still going on among them. Not that they wanted to defeat each other, it just liked a self-actualization for each person. A need to be stated as a successful member…. Even him…. He was motivated to be one of the best in the clan. To make his family proud of him…
So he could be proud of himself…
The last news he received about Amaru that his brother loved to travel around the world. What did he do for living? Although he had no certain profession, it was obvious Amaru was the only member of the family who had an excellent self-defense skill. Not as good as Suoh's….
Nokoru smiled. Too bad Suoh was away…. Otherwise he might see both of the men discussing their skills, or even showing it up….
Somehow, Nokoru admired Amaru very much. He had no burden, no damn responsibility to be carried all the time…. and the most important of all, he was happy with his life. Traveling around the world, witnessed all the beauty of different place, experience the excitements, and enjoyed his life….
Enjoyed the life….
One thing he could never do…. At least not in this life….
Amaru loved to collect antiques. Most of antiques the Imonoyama possessed in the mansion came from his discovery. He was a trader as well…. Amaru had a good sense of choice. He just knew which artifacts would be valuable and worth to keep, and he had that adventure spirit, he would go into dangerous places just to search for an antique.
Since he liked to travel a lot, he had a little chance to communicate with his family. And it went the other way around as well. His family never knew where he was by the moment….
And here he was….
Standing before him…. didn't know what to say each other…. Just silence.
'I'm sorry to bother you this late… I understand you're busy…'
Nokoru smiled. 'It's alright. I was just about to give myself a rest…'
'Oh…' Instantly, Amaru realized it was not the right moment to come, and that he should leave right away. 'May be it's better I leave you then… You need to take a rest…'
Nokoru stood up from his bed right away, ignoring the pain biting him from his wound. 'No….' He was about to approach the man, but the pain forced him to stop his footsteps. He wanted to cover it up, but it was useless then. He didn't want anyone to worry about him.
Amaru had seen everything; he could tell from Nokoru's face that his brother was suffering a great pain at the moment. The man immediately came to help him, and seated him back on the bed.
'You shouldn't move a lot…'
'I'm fine… It just sometimes the pain….' Nokoru smirked. He tried to change the topic. 'How are you lately?'
Amaru looked at the blue eyes before him. He himself didn't posses such blue eyes…. Unlike Nokoru's, his eyes were gray…. And their hair was not the same at all. Amaru received his heredity from the mother. His hair was as green as his mother's…. he was just a little bit taller than Nokoru. They were brothers, yet there were so many differences between them…. Not only physically different, but also emotionally. Amaru didn't remember any memory he spent with Nokoru. For he was always busy looking for something new… which sometimes he regretted it.
He never paid enough attention to his family. He was very young by the time the first death of the family member occurred. He knew he lost something, but then he knew he owned nothing. Douku didn't love him as much as he loved Nokoru. At least that was the way he felt. Sometimes he felt it was unfair. But he understood why everyone seemed to love his brother more than him.
The beloved Nokoru… so fragile… so beautiful… yet so hurt.
Now, someone else died, following the first death. Again, he felt so guilty. But not because he couldn't do anything to prevent it to happen… or he couldn't help…. But it was because he didn't feel sad at all…. He didn't feel he lost something. He was not sad on the day Douku's death, so it was the same thing with Owaru's death.
He knew he lost something, but then he also knew he owned nothing.
Why you had to feel sad losing something, if you'd realized you never had anything?
That was one of the reasons Amaru considered himself as the 'failure' of the family….
He was the 'poorest' member of the family….
For he owned nothing….
'Well…. You know me, I'm always fine.' He gave Nokoru his big smile. 'How about you?' He looked at him worriedly. 'You're not looking good at all…'
'Why do you think I am?'
'It was clear in anyone's eyes you look so tired…. Especially all that have happened to you.'
Nokoru shook his head. 'I'm fine. I'm just… fine.' There was a tremble voice in his words. He couldn't bear it any much longer. He could lie to anyone else. To Suoh, to Akira, or anyone… but not to his family… Deep inside his heart he loved them very much. All he wanted to do now was crying and let everything he kept in his heart out. But he felt so ashamed. He knew the rule…
Imonoyama should not cry…
Owaru said that… before… before…
But he just couldn't stand it. Tears began to sting his blue eyes. He covered his face immediately with his shaking hands. His body began to quiver as if the air surround him was freezing.
Amaru felt a pity on him. He believed Nokoru was more mature than he was. After all the suffering he had been through…. He wished he could help, even only a little bit…
Amaru put his arm around Nokoru's shoulders, and pulled him into his embrace. He could feel the man's warmth body, the trembling, and he could feel his tears wet his coat. But he remained silence. He knew he didn't need any advice, any soothing words now. He only needed a shoulder to cry on. He gave what he wanted….
'It's alright. You may cry as loud as you want…. I understand….' That was all he could say. And Nokoru was crying even louder. Amaru closed his eyes. Even though he had never been closed to him before, but still he couldn't stand watching his little brother acting like this.
If only….
If only there was something he could do to ease his pain. But he knew there was nothing.
'He shouldn't die…. It was all because of my fault….'
'You shouldn't say that…. It was not you who decide his fate…. May be it is God's way….' Amaru whispered. He traveled a lot, he had seen so many tragedies and horror, but he had witnessed many miracles as well. He knew very well, that what LIFE was. People might lose someone, but that what LIFE was. Amaru smiled. He suddenly got an idea of how to stop Nokoru's crying. 'You know what? I came here to tell you my secret…."
Hearing the word 'secret', Nokoru slowly let go of his embrace and wipe away his tear to have a clearer look at his brother's face. 'Secret?'
Amaru nodded. 'But I told you only…. The rest of the family…. Well…. I'll tell them eventually, but not now….'
Nokoru's eyes widened. Knowing some "weird" facts about this brother of his, he couldn't predict what his brother would tell him about.
'You are curious, aren't you?' He smiled wider. Obviously, he had his brother's attention now. 'Now, don't give me that look! It's not about something bad….'
The blonde man instantly replied, 'I'm sorry, I was only surprised… I….'
Amaru laughed. 'Don't worry, I'm not mad at you….'
For a moment later, they remained silent and waited for other to speak first. Finally, Nokoru spoke up, 'So? What is it about? Are you going away to someplace again this time?'
Amaru shook his head, yet still remained in silence. His wide smile only made more mysteries for Nokoru. But eventually, he didn't stand anymore to reveal the 'secret' he was about to deliver to his curious brother.
'I'm getting married!'
Nokoru widened his blue eyes in surprise. 'What?' His mouth was opened unintentionally. 'Really? But who? When? Where…'
'Wait… Wait…Wait…. One question at a time, please. You don't expect me to be able to answer all the questions at once, right?' He grinned.
For the first time after 'that' happened, Nokoru felt he could smile again. It was such a joy to know one of his family was going to start a new life with someone he loved soon. 'So…. Who is this lucky lady? Where did you find her?'
'We met in France. But she is a Japanese. She was born there. She went back to Japan to study. Now she is an artist. She plays in many movies, well…. You probably had heard about her, she was quite famous in…'
'Is she Yukira Tamaki?' This time, it was Amaru's mouth opened unintentionally. He didn't expect Nokoru could guess it right in the first try.
'And tell me how you know that?' Amaru asked in curiousity now.
Nokoru giggled to see his brother's reaction. 'It's a long story….' Knowing he was a living 'database' of females, of course, he wouldn't miss one or two famous female, especially if that female was a Japanese and she went to CLAMP Campus before. Yukira Tamaki went to school here and after graduated, she went to Paris and started her debut as performers. Knowing Amaru liked all things related to art, it was possible they met each other in a performance or two.
Amaru shook his head in disbelief, he heard the rumours of how genius his brother was, perhaps, the most intelligent of them all, but being able to memorize all the female students' names in that gigantic campus? That was rather…. Impossible. But now, he had proved it.
'So when are you planning to have the wedding?' Nokoru asked again.
'Well…. Our relationship is strong, and I believe she is the one for me…. But, may be not in the recent days…. Not after what had happened to our family….'
Nokoru's excited look slowly disappeared, replaced by a sad look in his eyes. 'I'm sorry….'
Amaru instantly realized what he had done. He knew Nokoru must have found other reason to blame himself. And he didn't want it…. 'Look, Nokoru…. I…. There are other reasons why I can't marry her yet…. I…. I…. truthfully, I haven't told her who I am the really is.'
Nokoru looked puzzled. 'But, you said you've built a strong relationship with her…. How come she doesn't know who you are by now?'
'She knows I am Amaru. She just doesn't know I am an Imonoyama.' Amaru paused. 'I just don't want her to choose me because I am an Imonoyama. I don't want her to choose me because I'm rich, or super wealthy, or have so many famous brothers or sisters…. I want her to choose me for who I am.'
'And now? Are you sure she chose you for who you are?'
Amaru smiled. 'Yes, I am. I will propose her soon, and I'll take her here to meet all of the family….. Well, you perhaps have already met her anyway….'
Nokoru's smile was back in its place. 'But I'm more than happy to meet her again as your future wife.'
Amaru blushed. And it was just the right time for Suoh to return from the kitchen with some dinner on the tray he carried. Suoh was surprised to see Nokoru was not alone.
'Ah… I'm sorry…. I didn't know Nokoru-sama has a company. Perhaps, I'll come back later….'
Amaru quickly stood up from his seat and called him, 'No… It's fine. I'm about to leave, anyway. Nokoru needs his dinner and rest, instead of chatting with me all the night.' He glanced back at Nokoru and smiled. 'Catch up with you later, my brother.'
Nokoru smiled in return. 'Looking forward to it, then.'
Suoh bowed to Amaru as the man passed him leaving the two behind. Nokoru watched him until he could not hear his footsteps outside the room anymore. But little that Suoh knew, something that Amaru said that night, was kept in Nokoru's mind that night.
Nokoru ate his dinner in silent. After all that happened to him, he still remembered what Suoh did to him that day. He remembered his first kiss…. And what Amaru told him put his memory back in place…. About who he loved. He knew Suoh never brought the topic anymore, due to the tragic situation. But sometimes, when things got so bad, when he was really alone on his own, he would think of him. Yet, he was not sure of how he felt about him.
Questions he was afraid to ask was exactly what Amaru was afraid of too about his love. Would he still love me if I were not an Imonoyama?
/'I just don't want her to choose me because I am an Imonoyama. I don't want her to choose me because I'm rich, or super wealthy, or have so many famous brothers or sisters…. I want her to choose me for who I am.'/
The thought was swirling in his mind till late of night. Till he thanked Suoh for looking after him, till he bid him a good night and see-you-tomorrow…. Nokoru couldn't close his eyes in peace.
But at least it gave him something else to think about, other than Owaru's tragic death.
Back in the Campus, in his cold big office, Nokoru started his usual morning alone. Suoh was not there. This morning, he was scheduled to give an annual presentation to the whole campus staffs and usually it would take hours to deliver. He did not mind working without Suoh's presence. Somehow he had got used of it. While his mind was concentrating on the terms and conditions written on the contract papers he was about to sign….. a knock was heard on the boardroom's door.
'Yes?'
A young female – the receptionist popped her head in. 'Excuse me, Chairman, there is a guest here who would like to meet you. He told me that he was an old friend of yours.'
Nokoru narrowed his eyebrows. An old friend of his? None he could think of. 'What's his name?'
"HE said if you meet him in person, you'll find out.'
Nokoru got suspicious, but he was more than aware if this man was really dangerous, he might endanger his receptionist's life as well, if he didn't allow him to enter the office and meet him. Nokoru slowly opened his drawer. Suoh always told him to be cautious and prepared him a gun in the drawer in case he needed it. He ensure the gun was still there, if he needed to use it.
'Fine. Let him in.' Nokoru gave his sign of approval.
The woman nodded and disappeared. Seconds later, another knock sounded.
'Come in, please.' Nokoru answered with his hand on the gun. Had he turned himself as paranoid as Suoh now?
The door was widely opened, and a tall figure entered the room. Nokoru could not have a clear sight of who he was, until he began to step closer. When he was in the clear range, Nokoru gasped in surprise. He quickly withdrew his grip from the gun, stood up and ran towards the man.
'Idomu! How have you been?' He embraced the man and beamed.
Yudaiji Idomu was back.
To be continued.
Author's Note:
I'm back... (Not only Yudaiji it seems...) hahahaha... It has been so long, I haven't written anything... Well as usual, I don't where the story will go, smells trouble whenever I involve Idomu character. (SOrry, Yudaiji-san), but I stick to my genre, drama and angst. Hopefully you'll enjoy this fic as much as I enjoy writing it. Please review if you have time. I appreciate all the review.
Disclaimer: As usual