The Valedictorian Speech of Jodie Landon
Ladies and gentlemen of the graduating class of Lawndale High... I hate each and every one of you with every fiber of my being. I have been in nearly every club and association at Lawndale High. I can say beyond a reasonable doubt, that it was an utter waste of time and effort to deal with you people.
I had to think long and hard about what kind of speech I wanted to give you all today. I could give you the normal one where I fill your heads with hopes and dreams but then you forget as soon as I walk away from this mic or I could take this time to tell you what I though about high school, my ACTUAL experiences here and why I have utter contempt for the whole damn thing! Today, I decide to do the road less traveled and give the truth about my feelings of stand here before you my peers. Oh and by peers I mean Daria, Jane, Mack and the goth kids... The rest of you can go straight to hell...hold up we're already here...IT'S LAWNDALE HIGH!
Now let me begin and tell about our beloved Lawndale High. Not so much beloved by me as I wish I could blow it up to kingdom come or burn the motherfucker to the ground. The only thing stopping me is these things called laws...You know Ms. Li those "little" things you break on a daily basis. I figure that the reason you all in the stands voted down the levy put up by the Lawndale School Board is because of this power-hungry, paranoid, stupid ass twat behind me here. Hell I voted it down as well because I know it would be wasted on another useless security device to keep Lawndale High looking like North Korea and NOT on books, education or even athletics...you know the things that a school actually need!
You talk a lot about the honor and glory of Lawndale High. Hey Angela, You want to know how you can restore the honor and Glory of Lawndale High. It's really simple. All you have to do is write a letter of resignation and turn in to the superintendent. Because as long as you are here...Lawndale High will be the disgrace of public education everywhere and no amount of school pride can save you from that fact or even cover it up. I used cover-up because if we really knew how inept this school really is it... would be shut down in a instant...which would not be a bad thing at all thinking about it.
Damn that felt good...But I'm just getting started. Ah the teachers of our school...Why do you even have jobs?
Janet Barch, The sheer definition of why men SHOULD cheat on their wives. This woman has blamed men for all her problems... kind of like how my parents blame white people for all there problems. Oops ... shouldn't have said that out aloud? Janet, for the sake of women everywhere shut the fuck up! You have done more to set women back then any law could have ever done. When any man who pass through Lawndale High when thinking back these days will say the following, Hey remember that bitch that was mad at men all the damn time. I always wanted to say the following...Are you really packing because you look very mannish to me!
Timothy O'Neil... If Ms. Barch had an Oscar Meyer...You must have a Taco because no man. AND I MEAN NO MAN Would be as much of a punk as you are standing before me today. As educator...You are a failure! You aren't helping anyone by being here! Any student that passed through the door is worst off then they were before entering! You are bitch in every sense of the word, Mr. O'Neil
Before I continue my ineptness parade. I want to single out two educators that are doing the jobs they are being paid to do.
Mr. Demartino, I'm in awe in how you have not collapse over and die in the face of sheer stupidity at Lawndale High. If I was teaching here, I would be on my seven bottle of scotch...TODAY! I've already down a couple of bottle already. That right, Daddy, I'm an Alcoholic...All that pushing me to go the good schools and crap...I've got a special section for you coming up!
Ms. Defoe...Why are you doing here? You could do so much better than this. You taught Jane Lane, You can't do any better than that. Listen I understand it just to pay the bills but follow your dreams and get the hell out of this hole of a school.
Oh to you all that want to take that follow your dreams part...Cool but please know they will be crushed with a steamroller by a greedy bastard. Hi Mom. Hi Dad. Sorry I won't be following in your greedy bastardness. I have brain and I can think for myself.
My parents wanted me go to Crestmore. How dare you! How dare you... slam the roots of this family to just sell out to a mother fucker that don't give two shits about you and your degree? How dare you... denied the school… that gave the world a young man who thought the folding cup was an idea that needed to be done! How dare you... think that the name on a degree matter more than what that person knows?
If that was true you would not be where you are today. You would not be whining about welfare reform and estate tax or any of that crap. You would be just another black guy. That school that made him what he is today was not Crestmore...It was Turner and I'm proud to say I'll be there without the insertion of metal rods up the butt to pretend I belong there.
Finally...My Classmates...Oh how I hate you son of bitches! My peers that I mention earlier… We did it! We survived hell on earth and came out stronger than ever before.
Daria and Jane, thank you for hearing me out when I need it and calling me out as well when I need it to as well. I will appreciated every day and Thank you for friendship and letting me in somewhat to your group. I know you aren't for people sorry for mentioning you in this speech... PS they share the same sentiment...they are just more open about it then I have.
Mack...My Boo... I'm sorry for all that crap of me being too busy. You sir will get screwed and done seven ways to Sunday all summer long! Yes, Mom and Dad I've done it and to quote that song "and I'll never go back" with a quick rewrite...Oh to do it again? ... Oh hell yeah!
Goth kids and Burnout...Thanks for the weed. it kept me going through all this crap and kept me from going on a killing spree through out this racist ass Hickville town. I do know why I'm the Valedictorian... Affirmative action...IT'S WORKS!
To Brittany Taylor...I hate you. I've always hated you! You think that your my...Fuck I had stop myself at laughing at thought...I'll see you in those pornos Mack and I get from Lawndale After Dark because as a Big Boobed Blond that's your future sweetheart! Another way to look at your future is to look at the Thompsons...
Oh they aren't here... Well Ms. Li, if you have been fixing his grades... You know he could be here? ... Yeah we know Barch is a sexist bitch that goes lower on male grades and higher on female grades...But you got the power! ... Nevertheless, you'll abuse that power like every other damn power you have in this school.
Well if Kevin wasn't mentally disable by you beating the living hell out of him...You would see a former cheerleader and former Lawndale football great that had a kid in the back seat in a El Camino they grew to hate each other and the dad groomed him to be a football player. Hey Dad, Take some notes here! The cheerleaders as well!
You know if you see Kevin again you will get knocked up... but you will not listen to me and you be knocked up but the end of this summer. Now, If you do escape this fate and if I was a betting woman... I would put good money down that one of you bitches in the cheerleading team will get knocked up …or get felt up by Ms. Morris!
To our football team seniors… you have no future. Just give up and take that job at Piggy-Wiggly as grocery bagger. Yeah the pay suck but it's a job…..probably the only job that your Lawndale High degree will get.
In conclusion, I hate you all. High School is a moment that will never be done again in our life... And If I every do see any of you again...I'm heading to Canada. Thank you!