Final Fantasy 7-#3
"DeathMatch" Written by Gabe Ricard
Here it is again more of that wacky stuff that my fan base of 3 (mother, cat, and invisible friend) have come to expect. Of all the fics thus far this one saw the most rewriting which I'll get into later. For now enjoy the fic and send all comments questions threats bribes and so n to
gothglam_666@hotmail.com. Thanks for reading and enjoy!"What's going on here?" asked Gabe walking into Tifa's 7th Heaven.
Cloud walked up to him "Hey Gabe we're going to the Celebrity Deathmatch arena your welcome to come along."
"Why are you going there?" asked Gabe taking off his jacket.
"Tifa and Aeris are going to do battle!" interrupted Cait Sith "At last I can watch a cat-fight live without having to rent porn!"
Gabe looked at him wondering what use a mechanical cat could possibly have for porn and said nothing. He turned back to Cloud "When are we leaving?"
"Right now" he replied. "So you're coming?"
Gabe shrugged "What else am I going to do? Lets go." With that Avalanche got into the airship and headed to the Celebrity Deathmatch arena.
"I am going to kill that $#^%!!" growled Tifa throwing some punches in the air on the deck of the airship. "And when I DO kill her Cloud will want me and not her!" Tifa jumped up in the air and threw a roundhouse kick "I'm the martial artist what doe's she have? Nothing!" Tifa grinned and threw some more punches more than eager for the upcoming fight.
"Let me get this straight." Said Yuffie as Tifa and Yuffie stood in a corner of the bridge "You want me to put on this Tifa mask and act like Tifa? Why?"
"Because I need all the practice I can get now put the mask on and act like Tifa!" snapped Aeris. Yuffie sighed and put the mask on. "You're just standing there do something!" said Aeris impatiently.
"Like what?" said Yuffie.
Aeris shrugged "Say something Tifa would say."
Yuffie thought for a moment then an idea came to her. She took a deep breath and stood back before saying in a voice that sounded hauntingly like Tifa's "Hey Aeris even though I'm a two-cent #@%& Cloud's most likely going to marry me and your going to end up marrying some dumbass!"
Aeris felt her anger rising "Shut up Tifa Cloud loves ME not some street corner %$#^"
Yuffie surpirsed how much Aeris was getting into this was beginning to enjoy this "Aeris quit lying to yourself you're a perky annoying flat cheated self righteous #$^& no one in their right mind would even want to sit next to you let alone marry."
"THAT'S IT!!!" Aeris drove her Princess Guard into Yuffies stomach causing her to fall against the wall. Aeris beat Yuffie down with the Princess Guard then cast Bio3 and stormed away.
Yuffie pulled the Tifa mask off and groaned "At least I know who to bet on." She mumbled before running off to throw up.
"We're here announced Cloud as Gabe looked out the window to see the Deathmatch arena which judging by all the cars parked around it was going to be a packed house that night.
"Where the #@%$ do we park asked Cid after conferring with the pilot." Barret and Cloud walked to the window. Barret saw a limousine parked in one area that was so huge it easily covered the same area the airship could.
He pointed at the limo "Down there foo! on top of that limo."
Cid nodded and turned to the pilot "Park the $#^&ing ship down on top of the limo. The pilot nodded and slowly lowered the ship down until it landed crushing the limo into a giant rectangular pancake. As everyone got off Cid turned to the pilot "Stay here and wait for us!" The pilot as well as the two other guys who stand on the ship for no real reason nodded. When Cid left with the others the pilot turned to the others and sighed "God I hate that guy." The others agreed.
"He needs to get some or something doesn't he have a girlfriend? That Shera chick?"
"Yea." Replied the third "But have you ever seen her? she's a dog man! Besides if you where Shera would you wanna see an old guy like Cid NAKED?" The other two laughed in agreement not hearing Cid slowly walk into view having heard the entire conversation.
"Hey
dumb@$$es the next time you talk about your employer wait until you sure he left the #$%^ing room!" The three pilots turned around and one was impaled with Cids spear the other was turned into a crispy critter with a flare spell. The third tried to attack Cid who drove the spear into his forehead. "No one calls me OLD MAN" grumbled Cid storming off the airship"You all haven't gone in yet?" said Cid in surprise as he came out of the ship to see everyone still standing only a few feet from the airship. When no one responded he walked up to them and stood next to Gabe and Vincent to see to his surprise Alice Cooper with Courtney Love.
"What the %$^& where you morons thinking?! That was MY limo I'll have you know!"
Cloud shrugged "So?"
Alice Cooper didn't respond directly to Cloud and continued his ranting then pointed at the heroes and shot them a poisonous glare "Mark my words you WILL pay for this!!" Courtney Love barely hanging off Alice's left shoulder simply giggled and slammed back a bottle of cheap liquor consuming the entire thing before throwing it Avalanche hitting Vincent in the head
"Owwww son of a $%&!" growled Vincent pulling the glass out of his hair.
After Alice stormed away Gabe turned to Cloud and shook his head "That's just what we need a washed up rock star and a drunken psycho-whore out for revenge on us."
"It's no big deal any one of us except Cid could kick his @$$ lets go."
"Hey!" said Cid "I can kick anybody's @$$!"
"Yea if their completely defenseless" replied Red XIII walking ahead of Cid.
"Shut up cat-dog!" snapped Cid
"If it isn't the stars of Final Fantasy 7"annouced a familiar voice as Avalanche walked into an office and coming face to face with the owner's of Celebrity Deathmatch as well as the arena, Nick Diamond and Johnny Gomez. They noticed Gabe and shook his hand as well.
Gabe was a bit surprised "You guys own Celebrity Deathmatch?"
Nick nodded "That's right" he turned to the others "Besides the Tifa vs Aeris fight for tonight we decided to make the entire night FF7 theme so with that we have some other matches for you guys heroes the run down. He laid a sheet down on his desk which read out the nights matches like this:
Main Event
Tifa Lockheart VS Aeris Gainsborough
Other Matches
Red XIII + Yuffie Kisaragi VS Calvin + Hobbes
Sephiroth VS Darth Vader
Cloud Strife, Barret Wallace, Cid Highwind, Vincent Valentine, and Cait Sith VS the Backstreet Boys
Rob Zombie VS Alice Cooper VS Marilyn Manson
"What about me?" asked Gabe looking up from the match sheet.
"Your not an FF7 character so we can't put you into the matches." Replied Johnny Gomez he thought for a
Moment "We could use you as a guest celebrity locker room interviewer."
"But I'm not a celebrity." Replied Gabe
Nick Diamond shrugged "These morons will never know the difference." He turned to the rest of Avalanche "You all can head to the locker room to get ready for your matches the guy outside will show you where to go. If you'll excuse Nick and myself we have to get to the commentary booth." With that Nick Diamond and Johnny Gomez walked out with Avalanche following.
"Yuffie!" snapped Cloud "Get out of their drawers!" Yuffie grumbled stuffing some money in her pocket and following the others.
Match Time
Johnny Gomez: Hello fans tonight we have one of our largest cards ever as each of the stars of the hit video game Final Fantasy 7 do battle wit the main event being the eagerly anticipated Tifa Lockheart VS Aeris Gainsborough.
Nick Diamond: In addition to the FF7 matches tonight we will also see the battle of the hard rock icons as Rob Zombie takes on the legendary Alice Cooper! Johnny this is the biggest card to date!
Johnny: Right you are Nick lets waste no time and get to our first match as Red XIII also known as Nanaki alongside the thieving #@%^ Yuffie Kisaragi take on the much loved but long out of action Calvin and Hobbes.
Red and Hobbes weren't really concerned with fighting and instead engaged in conversation after finding out they had much in common. Calvin and Yuffie on the other hand where a different story
"Die @^$#^%^#%$#%$#^%!!!!!!!!" cried Calvin leaping at Yuffie who leap froged over Calvin and kicked him in the back of the head causing him to crash into the turnbuckle.
"Shut up you little midget" retorted Yuffie taking out Magic Shuriken and whipping it at Calvin taking off his left hand. Calvin continued his strategy and charged again at Yuffie this time catching her and pounding her into the corner with lefts and rights.
Yuffie kicked Calvin back and laughed "Ha! If that's all you got then I'm gonna kick your @$$!!"
Calvin grinned evilly "That's not all I have get ready for a grade A beating courtesy of…" He leaped in the air and disappeared in a flash of smoke. When the smoke died down Yuffie saw Calvin decked out in a red cape and mask grinning. "Stupendous man!" Yuffie charged at Calvin her shuriken raised high but Calvin shot right at her nailing her in the stomach. With Yuffie doubled over in pain Calvin went for the kill pounding her so badly she eventually died making Calvin and Hobbes the winners.
"Red? You may want to check on your friend," said Hobbes breaking the conversation the two where having.
Red XIII looked over and saw Calvin still pounding Yuffie and nodded "Good idea I think Calvin may need to be taken away as well." Hobbes agreed and the two walked over to the fight. Hobbes grabbed Calvin and managed to pull him away from pummeling Yuffie and Red XIII dropped a phoenix down on Yuffie and dragged her away.
Johnny: Thanks to Calvins transformation into the mighty Stupendous Man, Calvin and Hobbes where able to win this one even though Hobbes and Red XIII didn't really do anything.
Nick: That's right Johnny but the fans got their moneys worth from Calvin and Yuffie
Johnny" Lets go to the locker room where our guest celebrity interviewer Gabe Ricard is talking to Alice Cooper.
"Thanks Nick." Said Gabe holding a mic standing next to Alice Cooper and Courtney Love. "I'm here with Alice Cooper who tonight will- ahhh" Gabes words where cut short as Alice Copper grabbed him by the cuff of his shirt.
"Time to pay you back for what you did to my limo!" he spat. As he said this Alice Cooper pulled out a nightstick that shot out electric pulses. Cackling Alice was about to drive it into Gabe's skull when Rob Zombie ran by and knocked Alice Cooper and Courtney Love back.
Gabe slowly rose to his feet "Hey thanks Rob no grudge from what happened in Total Boredom?"
Rob shook his head "Hell no man I'm a zombie anyway." Before Rob could say another word Alice attacked driving the nightstick into Rob Zombies skull sending 500,000,000 volts of electricity through his body causing him to explode.
Alice Cooper laughed maniacally raising his nightstick in the air "Hahahahahah I am the king of shock rock hahahah!"
Gabe turned to the camera "Well Nick and Johnny looks like the match has been cancel-what now?!" Gabe jumped back as Marilyn Manson ran into the room decking Alice Cooper in the head and knocking Courtney Love into the wall.
Manson grabbed the nightstick and drove into Alice Coopers chest. "You're not the king of shock rock I AM!" He slowly got up and looked into the camera then left.
Gabe looked around at all the carnage and took a deep breath before returning to the camera which amazingly was still there. "Um… Back to you guys"
Nick: All I have to say is wow Johnny we got double the carnage here as Alice Cooper blew up Rob Zombie only to have Marilyn Manson come in and take out Alice Cooper!
Johnny: We're going to need someone to clean up the mess down there and while we do lets go to the next match as Sephiroth battles Darth Vader!
"Sephiroth prepare to meet your doom at the hands of the Empire!" breathed Darth Vader with his light saber in hand.
Sephiroth drew his mansuame and shook his head "We'll see."
As they stood in the ring Mills Lane got between the two "Ok one of you is the one of the universes most powerful dictators the other one is a sissy girl I expect the sissy girl to get the $#^* beat out of him now, lets get it on!"
Sephiroth raised his Mansuame in the air and cried out "Dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" before charging at Darth Vader who stood his ground then just as the Mansuame was an inch away from his head Vader ducked down and sliced Sephiroth in half making him the winner.
Johnny: I don't believe it Nick! Darth Vader has beaten Sephiroth in….we're checking this now…Yes! Darth Vader has beaten Sephiroth in record time!
Nick: Amazing Johnny! The FF7 cast is 0-2 as of now but have a chance to change that as we get right to our next match Cloud Strife, Barret Wallace, Cid Highwind, Vincent Valentine, and Cait Sith VS the Backstreet Boys!
"Ha you guys are no match for the Backstreet Boys!" taunted one of its members pointing in the direction of the heroes. Cloud drew his ultimate weapon as did Vincent, Cait Sith, and Cid.
"Oh no!" cried another member hiding behind the other four.
A third member shook his head "Don't worry we have the power of our millions of fans behind us!"
"But most of them are booing" replied the one hiding.
"They probably just don't recognize us come on enough talking lets get them! The Backstreet Boys charged in and one of them where taken out right off the bat with Clouds sword. Two of them ganged up on Cid and stomped him down. Barret saw this and fired at them but both of them ducked and double kicked Barret in the stomach. While one of them was punching at Barret the other turned around and was impaled by Cids spear. Vincent was being pummeled in the corner as well until he turned into Chaos and used Chaos Saber to slice the Backstreet boy into a million little pieces.
"Oh no there's only two of us left!" cried the one fighting Barret and now Cait Sith.
"Don't give up hope! We can win this!" replied the other dodging some bullets from Vincent then jumped over Cloud and kicked Cait Sith as he turned around Vincent turned into Hellmasker and sliced him in half.
The surviving Backstreet Boy swung a punch at Barret who shot him across the ring with a BigShot making Cloud and the others the winners.
Johnny: What a spectacle Nick!
Nick: I don't think the Backstreet Boys had much of a chance in this one! It's time for the main event but right after this break.
"Hey Manson!" Said Gabe just as Marilyn Manson was about to walk out of the arena.
Manson turned around "Yea? What?"
"Are you sure Alice Cooper's dead?"
Manson nodded "Trust me that washed up $#^& is dead."
At that moment the wall burst open and Alice Cooper burst through it nightstick in hand "Hahahahahahaha Don't be so sure time to finish you off!" Manson blasted Alice into the wall with a KI blast and charged at him but Cooper was able to duck and in a single blast blew Marilyn Manson to pieces. Alice with Courtney Love at his side looked at Gabe and smiled "I'm not going to kill you until I can take out those Avalanche %&^%s as well!" Gabe said nothing as Alice Cooper walked out and disappeared into the night.
As Gabe was taking in the situation Red walked up to him "Hey Gabe they want you to go interview one of the gir-holy #$%& what happened to Marilyn Manson?"
Gabe shrugged "Alice Cooper killed him swearing revenge on all us before he left."
"Over a limo?" asked Red XIII. Gabe nodded slowly. "Are you going to revive him."
"Nah" replied Gabe "He doesn't really have much use to the advancement of the series."
"Hey Gabe before you go I need ask something."
"Yea what?"
"Why don't you use that fan fic author power to just kill Alice Cooper now?"
Gabe thought for a moment, "If I did it wouldn't be much of a series would it?"
Red nodded "I guess not come on lets go."
Gabe agreed and the two left the several pieces of Marilyn Manson to be cleaned up by the janitor.
Johnny: We're back! Before we get to the ring our guest celebrity locker room interviewer Gabe Ricard who is with Aeris Gainsborough.
"Thanks Johnny I'm standing next to one of the competitors in the upcoming Tifa VS Aeris battle. Aeris a lot of people are going with Tifa since she's a martial artist what is your strategy going into this epic battle." Asked Gabe putting the mic in front of Aeris
"well" began Aeris her anger rising up in her "First I plan to do this!" with that she grabbed Gabe and kneed him in the stomach. "Then I'll do this." She wound back and kicked him in the face several times.
"Then I'll finish it with this!" She pulled out her Princess Guard and drove it into Gabes throat then him in the head, legs and ribs several dozen time until she turned to the camera in a rage "I'll kill her ahhhhhhh" Aeris raised her Princess Guard and ran out of the locker room.
The camera slowly panned down to the bloody Gabe who moved his head over to the mic "
Back to you guys."Johnny: I think it's a safe bet to say that Aeris is ready for this match.
Nick: Tough break for Gabe! How humiliating to get the $#^& beat out of you by a 20 year old flower girl!
Johnny: It takes a special kind of $#^& to take a beating from a woman like Gabe did lets go to the ring for the main event!
Before Mills Lane could even say a word Aeris charged at Tifa who jumped over her onto the other side of the ring. "Ok Triple D I hope your read to die!"
Tifa raised her fists "Shut up you two cent %$& you're the one who's in for an @$$ kicking!" Before Aeris could respond Tifa exploded out of her corner and speared Aeris and began to pound on her mercilessly
Aeris threw some punches as well and was able to block some of Tifa's "B**** DIE!" screamed Aeris throwing Tifa off of her then as they both got up clothes lining her with her Princess Guard. Aeris tried to nail Tifa again but Tifa dodged and jumped up kicking Aeris across the ring as she did. As they where fighting out of nowhere a portal opened up in the center of the ring and sucked both girls into it.
Nick: Johnny, what the %^$$ happened
Johnny: I don't know Nick maybe the author of this fan fic in an attempt to add something to an already much used idea will have the two girls fight in several different places and environments!
Nick: Will we still get to see them naked?
Johnny: I don't know Nick (sighs)
"What? Where the hell am I-oomph!" Tifa had the wind knocked out of her as Tifa hit her in the stomach with a basketball.
Aeris kicked the ball into her face and glared "We somehow ended up in a sports equipment store it doesn't matter! I'm still going to beat you to a bloody pulp silicone queen!" Tifa rolled out of the way of a hit from her Princess Guard and got up. She reacted more quickly breaking a tennis racket over her head. Tifa then grabbed Aeris and power bombed her through the front counter. As Aeris rose to punch Tifa the portal opened again and sucked them back in.
Tifa snapped to life and realized she was in a racecar and saw Aeris in another car nest to her. She swerved to the right and rammed Aeris which sent her crashing into a building. Aeris was able to pull out of the wall and get back behind Tifa. Aeris looked at the side of her car and saw that she had missles on the side of her car. She grinned evilly "I'll show that %$# she saw a button in front of her which she assumed would fire the missle. She hit the button and the missle shot off and nailed Tifas car blowing it to pieces.
Aeris leapt out of her car and landed on Tifa as she got out of the wreckage and the two where back to trading punches. As the two where fighting the portal opened up again and sucked them in once again this time both girls landed in a bar.
"Here Aeris have a drink!" cried Tifa swinging a beer mug at Aeris who ducked and grabbed Tifa by her hair and kneed her in the gut and head several times. With Tifa dazed Aeris saw a huge shelf of beer and liquor bottles and grabbed Tifa and threw her into the shelf so hard that it cane crashing down on her.
Confident about her victory Aeris pulled Tifa out of the wreckage and began laying in the punches which Tifa was barely able to block. "After I'm done beating the $#@^ out of you you'll look so bad that Cloud won't even want to look at you!" Aeris grabbed a bottle and was about to finish her off when the portal appeared yet again and sucked both girls in
This time both girls realized they where in a ring but not the deathmatch ring. Tifa looked down and realized she and Aeris where wearing boxing gloves. Tifa still bruised from her beating in the bar slowly came out as she did Aeris shot out and cracked her in the jaw as her head was leaning back Aeris nailed her in the stomach. Aeris wound back and went for another punch but before it landed Tifa caught her in the side of the head and began nailing her with a barrage of punches. Just as quickly as the portal had appeared it reappeared and pulled the girls in and dropped them into the deahtmatch ring.
Aeris was able to get up first and drop kicked Tifa as she got up then grabbed her by the hair and hip tossed her across the ring. Then cast bolt3 several times, which Tifa was able to avoid. Breathing heavily Tifa rose to her feet began to summon all her remaining strength and Aeris saw Tifa's fists glowing green she tried
To attack Tifa but it was too late. "LIMIT BREAK!" Tifa unleashed Final Heaven on Aeris and when she
was finished Aeris fell to the ground defeated.
Mills Lane stopped the fight and raised Tifas hand in victory. Tifa jumped onto the top turnbuckle and raised her arms in victory celebrating wildly. Tifa noticed Cloud coming into the ring and jumped down and ran over to greet him. "Cloud I did it! I won!" Cloud said nothing and walked past Tifa and over to Aeris who lay on the ground. Tifa dropped to the ground and began pounding the ground in frustration "WHY? WHY? WHY IS IT ALWAYS AERIS?!" Tifa buried her face in her hands as Cloud picked up Aeris and carried her out of the ring.
Johnny: What a match! Easily the best match in Celebrity Deathmatch history
Nick: (looks down sad) We didn't get to see them naked…
Johnny: (ignoring him) Well that's all for tonight from my lonely CO-host Nick Diamond I'm Johnny Gomez saying Good fight Good night
When everyone went to Cids house everyone was in either bandages or casts except for Gabe and Cid who promptly had his nose broken after making fun of Tifa. "Daddy I hate you!" Barret pulled the ice bag off his face and looked down to see Marlene glaring at him "You killed one of my favorite bands I hate you!" she stomped her foot and stormed away. Barret said nothing and leaned back putting the ice bag back over his face.
"Gabe are you going to stay?" asked Shera as Gabe was about to walk out the door.
Gabe looked at the sobbing Tifa, the bruised and battered Aeris, Cid with a broken nose Yuffie with her entire body wrapped in bandages and the others looking pretty much the same and shook his head. "Nahhh I'll be back in a couple days." Shera smiled and went back to tend to the ranting Cid. Gabe sighed and walked out the door and heading out of view.
Well that's it for the third story in my FF7 series. As I said before this story saw a number of changes one being most of the original matches being dropped. Another change was more stuff going on around the actual matches when in the orginal draft the story was mostly the fights. I as always greatly welcome comments and opinions at
gothglam_666@hotmail.com. Thanks for reading.End