Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned in this story.
They all belong to their rightful owner: Craig Bartlett.
Title: "Helga in Wonderland"
Summary: I was what you'd call a typical 13-year-old girl with the average problems: a disapproving family, anger issues most fitted for criminals and boredom. A trip to a world made of nonsense might prove to be exactly what this teenage girl needed in order to find out what is nonsense and what is not.
Author's 1st note: This is probably the weirdest idea for a fanfiction I have ever had. First I want to make something very clear: I am not a huge fan of "Alice in Wonderland", not the book, not the Disney movie or the Tim Burton film. That being said I definitely understand the hype because it's weird as hell and in a way it's very strange that I don't love it because I love weird stories. It has just never interested me all that much to be honest, but this idea still came to mind.
So with that in mind, you don't necessarily have to hate or love the original story in order to enjoy this one. It's inspired by "Alice in Wonderland", but it's gonna be very different xD
[Please notify me if you notice any grammar mistakes. This isn't my first language, so there's bound to be mistakes.]
Helga in Wonderland
"I'm just saying," I insisted with a sigh. "that if Mr. Simmons expects us to make an essay with a thousand words, he should have given us more than one day to write it."
"I agree with you, Helga, but complaining will not help us finish our homework." Phoebe told me on the other side of the phone. I stuck my tongue out at her even though she couldn't see me. It was easy for her to say after all. She was a straight A student and while I was above mediocre, it wasn't like my A's came to me as easily as they did to my half Japanese best friend.
I sighed again. "I'd give anything to have an excuse not to make this dumb assignment…" I muttered as I looked around. It was a warm spring day and I had moved to Hillwood park to take advantage of the sun. That and my big sister Olga was coming to visit today. Being outside didn't help me concentrate though and I hated the subject of the essay. "How am I supposed to know what I want to do when I grow up? Aren't we too old to be asked this anyway?"
"We're nearing an age where it's appropriate to start thinking about our future."
"We're 13, we're at an age where we're supposed to be worried about hormones." I argued back and looked at my empty piece of paper. "I don't know what I want to do with my life, Phoebs. The present is hard enough to deal with."
"Try looking at it this way." Phoebe said. "By thinking about the future, you can forget the present."
"Fair point, but the way my present is right now, my future seems kinda glum." I groaned and threw the paper down on the grass. I could hear Phoebe sigh sympathetically in my ear, but I kept looking around in the park. I needed something to distract me, but the park was completely empty of people except for myself. Which was odd now that I thought about it since the weather was so nice.
Something caught my eyes when Phoebe started talking to me. "I know that your parents aren't helping you much, Helga, but you are such a resourceful girl. You have so many talents and I just know that if you work hard enough, you can do anything you set your mind to."
"Uh, Phoebs?" I asked. I hadn't heard a word she said to me and I could hear in her voice that she realized that.
"Yes?"
"Is it normal for pigs to be running around in parks?"
"What? Pigs?" Phoebe repeated in surprise, forgetting that I hadn't been listening to her just before.
I nodded. "Yeah, there's a pig walking around here."
"Do you think it's someone's pet?"
"Who has a pig for a pet? It's more likely it's run away from Green Meats." I joked, but then noticed the blonde tuffs of hair on the pig's head. "Ok, maybe not. It seems to be too well-groomed to become bacon."
"Then the owner must be worried sick. You have to catch it."
"What?! Me?! Why me?"
"Because you're the only who can! Do you see anyone else?"
"Well, no, but why is it my responsibility?"
"As a fellow citizen of Hillwood, it is your duty to help where it's needed."
"Don't go all Manga heroine on me now, Phoebs." I told her with a sigh, but stood up from the grass anyway. "Fine, fine. I'll catch the dumb pig. It's a good excuse to put off that essay anyway. I'll call you later."
After hanging up on Phoebe, I grabbed my essay paper and shoved it into my backpack to make sure it wouldn't fly away. I figured catching a pig couldn't be too hard so I just left the backpack against the tree. I then jogged towards the pig, completely annoyed by the task already and approached it. As soon as it saw me though, it squealed and ran off. It stopped at another tree nearby, clearly not afraid that I'd keep following it.
"What the heck?" I muttered to myself and started tiptoeing near it. When I reached for the pig though, it squealed again and ran off. This time it didn't stop nearby and I took off after it, running with all my might. I imagined what this must look like from an outsider's perspective; a girl chasing a pig through a park and that made me so embarrassed that I started running faster to finish my task as soon as possible. "Come back here, you pork chop!"
The pig squealed again as if it understood what I had said. It ran into a bush and I ran after it, struggling as I did so. A branch took ahold of my dress and I had to pull at it to get myself free. Once I was looking at the pig again I saw it running into a hole in the ground. I smirked, thinking the hole wouldn't get far and crouched in front of it. I waited for the pig to realize its mistake and come back, but it didn't.
With a groan I started crawling into the hole. It went further than I expected, but I kept crawling. Suddenly I felt my hand slip though and I fell forward in the darkness. I screamed as I kept falling and growled when I hit something. I sat up, rubbed my head and looked around. My eyes widened as I looked at what could only be described as the inside of a funhouse. The walls around me were colored in colors I didn't know the name of and everything seemed crooked and out of place.
I stood up and dusted myself off. "This place looks like it was made during Woodstock…" I thought aloud and started walking. "How did I even get here?"
I looked above me, expecting to see a hole, but all I saw was a regular ceiling. Well, as regular as this place could be considered. I turned a corner and the weird hallways continued until I saw a door. Perfect, I thought and went to open it. I was about to walk through it when I saw a smaller door than the one before in front of me. I looked at the door I had just opened, but I hadn't imagined it. I opened the next one and saw a third door behind it. As I kept opening the doors, a smaller one would appear after it. When the game of door domino finally stopped, I had to squeeze through the tiny doorframe.
Once I was on the other side, I was breathing heavily. "I'd say I need to lose weight, but… I'm actually a healthy size." I said aloud, turned around and looked. The room I was in resembled the hallways; decorated with shapeless patterns of colors. The room was empty except for a very small door and I ran to it to open it. Once I grabbed the knob though, a loud yell caused me to pull my hand back. "What the - - "
"Ow… how terribly rude. You gave me quite a turn." A voice said and I looked around, expecting to see someone in the room. "Good one, huh? Doorknob, turn."
I looked back at the door and realized the voice was coming from it. "Doors aren't supposed to talk!" I shrieked and cringed as the door seemed to scowl at me.
"Then I suppose doors aren't supposed to be helpful either!" it huffed as if it was insulted and tried to turn away from me, but it couldn't. Because, you know, it was a door.
"Helpful? How can a door be helpful?"
"You want to go through me, don't you?"
"Yes."
"Well, I won't let you! Because you're so rude." The door insisted.
I blinked a couple of times, slowly getting annoyed with the talking door. "Well then, I guess it won't make a difference if I pull your knob off?" I asked and reached for it.
"No!" the door cried out in despair. "Why would you do that?"
"If you're not letting me through anyway, you're not of any use to me. So what does it matter if you have a knob or not?" I explained and reached for the door's knob again.
"No!" it cried out again. "I'll let you through. You're too big right now though."
"Now who's rude?"
"Just drink the bottle on that table."
"What table?" I asked and turned around. I saw a small glass table stand in the middle of the room with a small bottle on it. "That wasn't there before, was it?"
The door clearly didn't take my question seriously so I just walked towards the table. I grabbed the small bottle and read the note attached to it. It told me to drink it. Hm, a joke I'll probably get when I'm older. I thought and unscrewed the lid. I briefly considered not drinking it, I didn't know what was in it after all, but I couldn't get out of the room the way I was now, so I threw my momentary worry away and drank it.
I cringed my nose and put the bottle back on the table. "Strawberry tart," I stated and scowled at the door. "I'm allergic to strawberries. I better not get hives because of you!" I warned the door and noticed that the door seemed bigger all of a sudden. When I looked around the room though, I realized that it was me who had turned smaller. "What did you do to me?!"
"I beg your pardon?" the door asked with a scowl similar to mine.
"Oh, never mind. I fit now at least." I said and reached for the knob.
"Oh, no use. I forgot to tell you; I'm locked." The door said and laughed.
"Criminy!" I cursed and kicked the door angrily.
"Now, getting angry won't help!" the door said with a groan.
"I don't care, this is your fault for not telling me to begin with!" I said and then sighed. "Where's the key?"
"In your pocket I assume?"
"My pocket?" I asked and looked down. "Wait. I don't have pockets."
"Then where did you put it?"
"The what?"
"The key you took from the table! Now, don't tell me you left it up there?" the door asked and looked up. I turned around, looked at the table and saw a key lying on it.
"Oh, for crying out loud." I groaned and stomped towards the table. I looked it over for a moment before grabbing the pink bow I always had in my hair. I untied it and swung the ribbon around one of the table's legs. I crawled up the leg, grabbed the edge of the table and hoisted myself up. It paid off to be the most athletic girl in class sometimes.
"Spectacular!" the door said and swung its knob from side to side which caused it to bump against the door, creating what I assumed was supposed to sound like an applause.
I bowed sarcastically before I grabbed the key. I then tied the ribbon back into a bow and into my hair and let myself slide down the table. Once I had unlocked the door I stepped through it and frowned at what I was looking at. I was in the middle of a forest and it sure wasn't the usual forest my dad took his family to whenever he decided to go camping in order to test some new merchandise.
"Hey, door. Where the heck am I?" I asked and turned around, but the door was gone. I looked around frantically, but it was nowhere in sight. "Where did I come from? And I'm not talking about the birds and bees here."
My confusion was interrupted by the sound of a pig squealing and I remembered why I was even there. I yelled at the pig to come back, but it kept running through the forest. With a groan I followed it, nimbly dodging trees and rocks. I noticed someone singing not too far away and the voices became louder as I followed the pig.
All of a sudden, the forest turned into a beach and I halted at the sight of weird creatures dancing around a big rock. Most of them were animals, but the one standing on top of the big rock was clearly human. Or at least a mix of both species. It was singing something about running around to get dry and I quirked an eyebrow at the flawed logic.
"How long does it take before I am dry, Harold?" a creature asked.
"You will know when you get there!" the big creature replied and sighed happily in front of a small fireplace he had on his rock.
"Why aren't you running around then? You're wet too, Harold!" I pointed out to the big creature, annoyed with how all the others were running around so much on his command.
"Hey! Madam Fortress Mommy, why aren't you running?" the big boy asked, clearly ignoring my own question.
"I'm not wet!" I said just before I heard water next to me. As soon as I looked towards it, a big wave came crashing down on me and I coughed out some water. "Where did that ocean come from?!"
"Now you're wet!" Harold laughed gleefully. "Start running!"
I rolled my eyes and decided I didn't really care if these other creatures followed this Harold creature blindly. I had a pig to catch. I caught sight of it and took off after it again. I ran into the forest once more, feeling my wet hair and clothes cling to my body as I did so. It was hard to keep sight of the pig, but it wasn't until I stumbled into some figures, that definitely didn't belong in a forest, that I lost sight of it.
"Ow!" I shouted, caressed my head and looked up. In front of me were a pair of statues that were completely similar. I stood up and looked at the blue caps on their heads. "Eugene Dee… and Eugene Dum? Ugly little things."
After offering my opinion to the wax figures I tried to walk past them, but they walked in front of me. "Hey, we're not wax figures!" one of them said and nudged the other.
"Wax could never make the moves we do!" the other agreed.
"No arguments there." I said, wondering why I wasn't more surprised to hear wax figures talking. Maybe the door had screwed me up. "Well, I have to go - - "
"Why?" the two Eugenes asked me in unison and kept walking in front of me.
"Because I'm trying to find a pig."
"Why?"
"Because it's run away."
"Why?"
"I don't know! I'm just trying to be a good person here." I insisted and finally managed to walk past them.
"Oh, she's trying to be a good person." The Eugene called Dee said.
The Eugene called Dum nodded eagerly. "Just like the Mad Hatter is a good person."
"Yes, the best of the best."
"The kindest of all."
"The mad what?" I questioned curiously and walked back to them.
Eugene Dum grinned widely at me. "The Mad Hatter! He is the best of the best, the kindest of the kindest, the - - "
"The maddest of the maddest?" I offered.
"There's no one like him!" they agreed in unison.
"Well, I'll tell him that you love him so much if I run into him."
"You have to meet him!" Eugene Dee said and took one of my hands.
"You must absolutely meet him!" Eugene Dum agreed and took my other hand.
The twin wax figures, which weren't really wax figures, started to pull me with them presumably to meet this very kind Mad Hatter. "Wait! I need to find that pig first!" I said and pulled my hands out of their grasp. "And I'm not sure if I want to meet someone named the Mad Hatter to begin with."
"His name is not the Mad Hatter, silly!" Eugene Dee said.
"That would be silly, wouldn't it?" Eugene Dum asked.
"Very silly indeed."
"This whole place seems out of its freaking mind." I muttered to myself and noticed that the Eugenes were starting to dance together as they sang about how silly it would be to be named Mad Hatter. I gawked at them for a while, then rolled my eyes and continued through the forest. I had definitely lost sight of the pig when I heard someone yelling. I followed the voice and saw a big, pink house.
"Is Barbie here too?" I wondered as I walked towards it. I suddenly heard the voice of a pig and I ran inside the house to follow the sound. I ended up in a bedroom, but the pig was nowhere in sight. "How does it keep disappearing like that?"
I started looking around in the room and noticed a box with cookies in them. Eat me was written on them and I frowned. Yeah right, I'm not falling for that again, I thought and looked out of the window when I heard voices. I saw the pig squealing in fear as the Harold creature I had seen earlier was chasing it, calling it lunch.
"Hey, leave the pig alone! It's mine!" I shouted before climbing out of the window.
"Oh, not you again!" Harold shouted back and gave up on chasing the pig.
"I'm confused." Someone said beside him. It was a tall lizard-like creature with spiky brown hair, which it was currently scratching in confusion. "Who is this and why are you not happy to see her?"
"Stinky, this is Madam Fortress Mommy." Harold introduced me as.
"First of all, my name is Helga!" I told the fat creature and then I looked at the lizard. "Second of all, Stinky? Who names their child Stinky?"
"Redneck lizards." Harold joked and laughed loudly.
I rolled my eyes and looked around for the pig. "Wait. Where did the stupid pig go?"
"What do I care?" Harold asked and started walking. Stinky followed him obediently.
"You were calling it lunch just now."
"I can eat something else."
I groaned and started jogging through the forest again, leaving the Harold creature and Stinky the Lizard behind. I noticed the forest changing as I jogged through it. What had started as kind of dark and gloomy quickly became more beautiful. Flowers were starting to grow wherever I walked. I was looking at them with awe when I heard a small voice.
"Careful where you step!"
I froze midstride and looked down. A small yellow flower was looking up at me with gratitude in its eyes. "So flowers speak too, huh?" I asked and crouched in front of it. "Would you happen to have noticed a pig?"
The flower shook its petals. "No, I have not seen a pig. Have you, Sheena?" the yellow flower asked and looked at the orange flower who shook her head as well.
"No, Nadine. I have not seen a pig. What do you want with a pig, girl?" the orange flower asked.
"Damned if I know…" I answered.
"We are so much more fun to talk to." Nadine insisted.
"We can teach you many interesting things about this place." Sheena agreed and the flowers nodded at each other.
"Can you tell me how to get out of here?"
"Why would you want to leave this beautiful place?" Nadine asked in horror.
"Because it's weird as heck. Nothing around here makes sense and I can't find the stupid pig!"
The Nadine flower huffed in insult. "If you don't like it here you should just leave!" she said and the Sheena flower agreed albeit with less vigor.
"I will leave and I will step on you while I do." I threatened and lifted my feet over the flowers. They screamed in fear, but I jumped over them and laughed maliciously when they started screaming at me how mean I was. "Tell me something I don't know."
I continued through the forest and quickly realized that I was losing my sense of time. I could have fallen through that hole between anything from an hour to a couple of minutes ago. I yawned tiredly and then coughed when something similar to smoke hit my face. I spit the taste out and looked around me. Letters made of colorful smoke were flowing around me and now I was starting to wonder if that Yahoo soda I had drank earlier had been too old and was now messing with my head.
I followed the smoke until I reached a small caterpillar resting on a mushroom. It was green, had a long nose and was wearing a cap. I crouched in front of it, but it didn't notice me until I poked the mushroom under it.
"Don't do that!" the caterpillar warned and looked up at me. "Who are you?"
"The name is Helga and what are you?"
"It's called who." The caterpillar corrected and blew some smoke in my face that spelled the letter O in it. "My name is Sid."
"Sid, the caterpillar." I stated numbly. "Have you seen a pig?"
"Why?" the caterpillar asked and yellow puff of smoke formed a Y.
"Not this again…" I mumbled when a rush of deja-vu soared through me. "Do you happen to know some boys named Eugene Dee and Dum?"
"Duh." Sid replied rudely and blew some more smoke at me which formed the name Eugene. "They are the life at the party. The part don't start till they walk in."
"Good to know." I said and stood up. "Do you know where the pig is or not?"
"What kind of pig?"
"What do you mean what kind of pig?"
"There are more than one kind of pig, you know."
"Have you seen any kind of pig run by?!" I asked impatiently.
"No."
"Then why didn't you just say that?" I asked and crossed my arms.
"Because I wanted you to stay." The caterpillar told me. Now it was my time to ask why. "I have not met you before. You are new company."
I blinked a couple of times before deciding that this caterpillar was as useless as his fellow weird neighbors in this forest. I waved dismissively at him and continued my way through the forest. It was starting to get dark again and it made me a little nervous. Not because I had a problem with darkness, but because it would hinder my sight and make it harder for me to find the pig.
Soft singing caught my ears and I stopped walking to try to find the source of the voice. "It's not easy being perfect. It's not easy being sweet. To be constantly amusing and have dandy side six-feet…"
"Oh, cry me a river." I said as I rolled my eyes.
"That would be quite the challenge, but I accept." A female voice said behind me and I shrieked as I turned around. In front of me was a cat hanging in the air. It had red fur and green stripes across its body. The cat suddenly started crying heavily and the tears were falling down my legs. I looked down and saw that the water was making a big circle around me and had already reached my knees.
"Why is the water - - No, never mind! Just stop, will you? You win, you win!" I shouted and the water fell apart as if I had removed whatever had been holding it around my legs.
"Yay." The cat said and smiled sweetly at me.
"What are you?"
"A Lila Cat." The cat answered.
"A… Lila Cat? Never heard of that race before."
"That is ever so understandable since I am the only one." The red-haired cat told me.
"Huh… good riddance." I mumbled. "Can you tell me where I have to go?"
"That depends where you want to be?"
Sounds like talking to a guidance counselor, I thought with a frown. "Well, it doesn't really matter. I just need to find - - "
"Then it doesn't really matter which way you go." Lila answered and disappeared. She continued singing her song and I noticed paw prints appear around my feet. I turned around and kept staring as the paw prints continued until they reached a tree and the Lila Cat was hanging from her tail at a tree. "But if you want to know where he went, then I am ever so certain that he went in that direction."
"Who?"
"The pig."
"He did?!"
"Did what?"
"Went that way?"
"Who did?"
"The pig!"
"What pig?"
"Didn't you just say that - - Oh, for crying out loud!" I screamed in frustration and scowled at the Lila Cat. "Out of everyone I have met here, you are by far the most annoying one!"
"Thank you." The Lila Cat said and I shot her a confused look. "I am ever so honored to be the most of something to you, even if it is the most annoying."
Her explanation made no sense and I huffed. "Do you know where the pig is or not?" I asked impatiently.
"The pig?" she questioned as if this was the first time I had mentioned it. "Oh, it must be at Mad Hatter's house!"
"The Mad Hatter?" I asked and looked at the arrow nailed to a tree nearby that said Mad Hatter's house. "Uh, is he really that mad?"
"Oh, he is quite the sweetheart really. Very kind."
"I've been told."
"Of course he doesn't have that special something I am searching for, but perhaps he has what you are searching for?"
"The only thing I'm searching for at the moment is that dumb pig."
"Then I am ever so certain that the Mad Hatter's house is where you want to go." The Lila Cat said with a wide grin.
"Thank you. Finally, someone useful." I said and walked past her.
"Why do you want to find the pig though?" The Lila Cat asked and I turned to look at her. "I am ever so curious."
"I'm not sure anymore." I admitted.
"Then it's no wonder you didn't know where to go!" she bellowed. "How are you supposed to know where to go if you don't know why you're going?"
I blinked, slowly processing the words. "That's… pretty spot-on." I mumbled and walked back to the cat who was starting to grin at me again. "I mean, everyone keeps asking me where I want to go, but I don't even know what I want to do yet."
"You will find out such things when the time is ripe."
"Uh-huh, and when is that?"
The red-haired cat shrugged. "Only time knows."
I sighed. "Pocket philosophy." I muttered. "Well, I'll start with going to the Mad Hatter's house."
"Every journey starts with the first step." The Lila Cat said before falling to the ground and walking around my legs.
"Thank you, and here is my first step." I said in annoyance and tried to stomp on the cat, but it disappeared into thin air. I looked around, expecting Lila to be shouting at me for trying to step on her, but she was completely gone. "What an annoying girl… cat, imp, whatever."
I followed the arrows leading to the Mad Hatter's house and found it easily. It was the only house for miles around and was very eye-catching with its crooked hedges around the house. I walked up to the gate and looked into the garden. Inside the hedges there was a long table decorated with a pink tablecloth and too many plates, cups and teapots to count. There were at least 18 chairs around the table, but only two of them were occupied.
I jumped over the gate and hid behind the biggest chair there, a pink one made of velvet. A human and what looked like a giant hare were singing together. The hare was black, had curly hair that was taller than its ears and was wearing a red jacket with a matching butterfly and brown pants. The human though was wearing what looked like a much too small blue cap along with a similar jacket to the hare's, only the human's was in dark green plaid, blue pants and a white butterfly. He also had blonde unruly hair.
I was about to talk to them when I noticed the pig I had been running around chasing nearby. I screamed at it in anger and caught the attention of the Mad Hatter and the hare. I started chasing the pig who squealed in fright and started running. It kept running until it reached the human and jumped into his arms.
"Calm down, calm down." The Mad Hatter told the pig and petted the blonde tuffs of hair on its head. "Why are you chasing him?"
I looked at the Mad Hatter, noticing his gentle emerald eyes for a moment before shaking the thought away. "I've been trying to get that pig all day!"
"Has Abner done something to you?" the Mad Hatter asked worriedly.
"No, he - - Wait a minute… Abner?" I asked.
"Yes," the Mad Hatter said and put the pig down on the ground. "his name is Abner."
"He's yours?" I asked in disbelief and when the boy nodded, I groaned in disbelief. "I can't believe it! I've been chasing that stupid pig around all day to try and get it back to its owner and then it belongs in this asylum candidate? That's it! I'm going home."
"Wait!" the Mad Hatter said and stepped in front of me. "You were trying to bring him back?"
"Yes, to his owner. Which is apparently you so my first good deed is wasted." I explained and tried to step around him. "Now, excuse me. I need to get home and reconsider my life - - "
"Wait." The boy said again and put his hands on my shoulders. The touch sent a shiver down my spine; I wasn't used to being touched so casually. "Let me return your kindness."
"Kindness? I didn't even bring the pig back to you."
"But you meant to and that means the world to me. Please, sit down and have some tea with me and Gerald." He said, took my hand and led me back to the table.
Ignoring the heat I felt from his hand, I looked at the hare questioningly. "Gerald?" I asked and he waved his ear at me. I waved back automatically.
"Yes, and my name is Arnold. Though most people know me as the Mad Hatter." The blonde boy told me and pulled out a chair for me. I sat down, looking at him as I did. For some reason I couldn't take my eyes off him. Once he had sat down next to me, on a different chair than the one he had been sitting on before, he asked me what my name was.
"Helga."
"How pretty!" Arnold bellowed.
"Not really." I insisted with a shrug.
"It has muchness to it."
"Muchness? What the heck is…" I started, but then changed my mind and shook my head. "Never mind, I'm not going to try to find logic in a place that has never heard of it. Speaking of which, why are you called the Mad Hatter?"
"Because my hat is small."
"That's it?"
"I also am a hatter." Arnold explained and looked at my head. He grabbed my pink ribbon and started fiddling with it. "This is in horrible condition."
"I've had it since I was born so no wonder!" I defended myself and watched as the bow seemed to change color in his hands. Once he held it out for me to see again, the pink shade was fully restored and any holes or cuts it had gotten over the years were gone. "How did you - - "
"I am a hatter." Arnold explained and started tying the ribbon on my head. "I like your bow," he said. "it's pink like your dress."
"Th-Thank you." I said in confusion once Arnold leaned back. I looked at him shyly and he smiled at me with a sort of kindness I wasn't used to. Now that I thought about it, this was perhaps my first compliment from anyone else but Phoebe. I could feel color flush on my cheeks and I hated it so I reached for a teapot to have something else to focus on. "Oh, wait. I don't like tea…"
"Me neither." Arnold agreed. "What would you like instead?"
"I don't suppose this place has heard of Yahoo soda?" I asked sarcastically and laughed at the idea. Arnold grabbed another teapot though and poured some into my cup. He gestured for me to try it and when I drank from it, I stared at him in shock. "How can you have Yahoo soda here?"
"This place has whatever you desire." Arnold explained. "Oh, and it's called Wonderland."
"Wonderland? There's nothing wonderful about it though."
Arnold chuckled lightheartedly. "That depends on the eyes that see. To me, this is my paradise. Everyone here are my saviors."
"Saviors?"
"When I first fell down the hole, I was alone and scared. I felt like I didn't have a friend in the world and I had no idea where my life was going, but such worries don't exist here. There is no future here, no responsibilities."
"Sounds like a fairytale."
"It is!" Arnold agreed happily.
"That wasn't meant in a good way." I insisted and remembered some words Phoebe had told me once. "Life may not be easy and there are sorrow and challenges in it, but without those things there is no such thing as happiness or victory either. If there's no hardship there's no value. So as wonderful as it sounds to not worry, I'm not willing to trade no responsibility for no success."
When I looked to my side, the Mad Hatter was staring at me with wide eyes. He almost seemed to have snapped and I tried waving my hand in front of his eyes to snap him out of it. I apologized for what I had said, this place had supposedly saved him after all and those words brought him back. He put his hand over mine and I almost pulled back out of reflex, but the kindness in his voice made me stay put.
"That's a… very unique and strong way of thinking. I wish I had your resolve, Helga." Arnold told me and I could feel the sadness in his voice.
"How come… How come you're called the Mad Hatter?" I asked. "You're the most normal one here. You have actual emotions."
Arnold snickered. "Like I said, I have arrived to this place. Everyone else has been here for as long as they have existed."
"So… you're the Mad Hatter because you're the only normal one here and since everyone else is crazy it makes you the one to stand out?"
"Exactly."
"Wonder what I would be called if I chose to stay?" I wondered and leaned closer to Arnold as if I was a child listening to an exciting story.
Arnold leaned closer to me as well, grinning widely. "The Crazy Bow Girl." He whispered in my ear as if it was some big secret. I shivered visibly. Arnold hadn't just tickled me, the whole whispering in my ear thing sent another shiver down my spine and I leaned back. He looked at me in surprise as he lifted his hand off mine. "Oh, sorry. When you have lived here long enough you forget what personal space means."
"I can imagine." I said as I rubbed my ear.
"We'll be late." The hare said and I almost flinched. Those were the first words Gerald had said.
"Oh, yes!" Arnold said and stood up abruptly. "Would you care to join us, Helga?"
"Join you for what?" I asked as I took his hand and let him help me up from the chair.
"Why, for the Queen's party of course!"
"What queen?" I wondered before I heard familiar singing. "Criminy, don't tell me that cat is here!"
"Hi, Lila Cat." Gerald said as he looked at me. I cocked my head to the side in confusion and looked next to me. The big grin that I saw surprised me and caused me to stumble back and into Arnold's embrace.
"I see you found the hatter." The Lila Cat said as she floated around in the air.
I looked down at Arnold's arms around me and pulled away from him. "Yeah." I said awkwardly. "W-Who is the Queen?"
"The Queen of Hearts." They answered in unison.
"Of hearts? Like play cards?" I wondered in confusion, but they weren't listening to me. The Lila Cat pulled on a string in the air and a door fell down out of nowhere. When I looked through the doorframe, I could see what looked like a big labyrinth.
"Come on!" Arnold said excitedly and grabbed my hand. He pulled me into the labyrinth with the Gerald hare hopping and the Lila Cat flying with us. I looked back and saw that the door had disappeared and everything around me was made of hedges. They kept pulling me through the labyrinth, not stopping once to consider where to go. They obviously knew their way so I wasn't going to question them.
The sound of singing ran through my ears and I tried to look over the hedge towards the sound. The feeling of something lifting me into the air had my attention for about a second before I saw what was on the other side of the hedge. Playing cards were strolling around as if it was second nature to them. They were singing while walking around with buckets with red paint in them and they spread the paint on the white roses the small trees were decorated with.
"Why are they painting the roses red?" I asked aloud and looked down. I saw Arnold grinning at me as I he held me by my waist. Ignoring my beating heart, I asked him how he could hold me up so easily.
"Such things as strength is abstract in Wonderland." He explained and put me down. "If you want to, you can jump up to the hedge yourself."
I looked up at the hedge which was way above my head. "There's no way I can jump that high." I insisted. Arnold then bend his knees and jumped up to the hedge, sitting on it with ease. "Do you have springs in your shoes?!"
"Don't need springs. You can do it too." Arnold encouraged and held out his hand.
I looked at the hedge for a moment before bending my knees the same way he had and jumped. I jumped much higher than I had ever done and grabbed Arnold's hand out of reflex. He helped me sit on the hedge and he smiled at me. I smiled back before the playing cards caught my attention again. I moved my legs over the hedge and looked at them.
"Why are the roses white?" Arnold asked in horror. "The Queen will only allow red roses in her garden."
"What's wrong with white roses?"
"They aren't red."
"Seems kinda racist…" I muttered to myself before Arnold took my hand.
"We must help them paint the roses red!" he said in excitement and made me jump down the hedge with him. I shrieked automatically, expecting to feel pain when I landed on the grass, but I felt the same way as if I had jumped down from a table. The Mad Hatter didn't give me the chance to get over the shockingly lack of gravity rules before he started running towards the playing cards and pulling me along with him in the process.
When Arnold gave me a bucket and a paint brush, I noticed that Gerald and Lila were already helping the playing cards paint as well. I was completely baffled by the whole situation, but the excitement on Arnold's face made me go with the flow. I got up on the ladder next to him and started painting the rose next to his. Something cold hit my cheek though and I would have fallen off the ladder in surprise if my reflexed hadn't been quick enough to grab the tree. I looked at Arnold in surprise who was waving his paintbrush around playfully.
"The paint is for the roses, not me!" I said when I realized that the cold feeling was paint running down my cheek. I grabbed my own paintbrush and reached for him, successfully painting his nose red. He laughed happily and tried painting me again, but then the sound of drums caused us both to stop.
"The Queen!" Arnold gasped and it had a domino effect. One by one, the playing cards all bellowed that the queen was coming and started hiding their paint buckets and brushes. Arnold threw his bucket and brush over the hedges before grabbing my hand and pulling me down the ladder with him. He noticed that I still had my paintbrush in my hand though and quickly shoved it into his pocket. He, along with everyone else went down on the grass and lied on it with their limbs spread. "Bow down!"
"No way! I'm not going into frog position because of some phony queen!" I insisted.
"You want to lose your head?!" Gerald asked in shock.
"Lose my…?" I repeated and looked near the drums. I barely got to see the queen approaching before Arnold pulled me down next to him. He looked at me pleadingly and I couldn't help but go into the same position as everyone else. I looked up from the grass though and gazed at the queen. She was wearing a poofy red dress and was carrying a scepter shaped like a heart. She had black hair and her looks made her look like a playing card. Which I assumed was on purpose.
The Queen of Hearts gasped before she strode towards the rosebushes. "Who painted the roses red?" she asked as she touched the paint on one of the roses. She then screamed loudly. "Who painted the roses red?!"
"Drama queen…" I mumbled.
"Hatter!" the queen suddenly bellowed. Arnold turned around on the grass and faced the queen with his head low. "I see a paintbrush in your pocket."
I gasped when I realized that the paintbrush the Queen of Hearts had seen was the one Arnold had taken from me. He took it out from his pocket and showed it to the queen. He tried to apologize, but she was furious. I didn't understand why she was so angry, but her words echoed in my mind.
"Off with his head!" the queen shouted and some playing cards started approaching Arnold.
"Oh, Queen Rhonda!" the Lila Cat said and flew towards her. "Have ever so much mercy. The Mad Hatter has been your loyal servant for ever so long."
The queen didn't falter though and soon, Arnold was surrounded by playing cards. "No!" I shouted, got up from my knees and ran into the circle of playing cards. "You can't do this!"
"I am the queen, I can do anything I want!" the Queen of Hearts shouted angrily, but then realized that she didn't recognize my voice. "Who are you?"
I was about to answer when a short boy appeared in front of me. He was about a head shorter than me with black hair and red, royal clothes. He had a heart-shaped scepter like the queen and he used it to lift my chin.
"Why, it's a girl, my sweet Rhonda!" he bellowed in surprise.
"Who are you?" I asked with a scowl.
"I am king Curly, the queen's beloved husband!" he replied dramatically, but I noticed the queen rolling her eyes. She seemed to remember his former words though and she went buck-eyed.
"A girl? In Wonderland?" Rhonda said in shock and made the playing cards move aside. She stepped into the circle and stared at me. "You are from the same place as the Mad Hatter, yes?"
"Uh… I guess." I answered and then scowled when the queen lifted my chin with her scepter like the king was doing. I grabbed both tiny scepters with my hand, broke them in the middle and threw them to the ground. My action caused a series of loud gasps and I felt Arnold's hand on my shoulder.
"M-My queen, she didn't mean to." He insisted, crouched and grabbed the scepters. He put them together again as if by magic and offered them humbly to the royal couple. "See? No harm done."
"Why are you sucking up to them?" I asked in a whisper.
"We lose our heads if we don't." Arnold answered.
"So much for Wonderland being wonderful." I snapped. Arnold went quiet at that and looked at the queen and king again.
"It was bad enough that you came here unexpectedly, Mad Hatter." Rhonda said angrily as she observed her scepter, obviously searching it for flaws. "But you had skills so I let you stay. But this is treachery. No one must enter Wonderland without my permission. You will both lose your heads!"
"W-Wait!" I shouted. "I will leave Wonderland so please spare the hatter."
"No, I don't want you to leave!" Arnold said unhappily and took my hands. "I want Helga to stay, please spare us both, your majesty."
"I can't stay anyway!" I insisted, but I couldn't bring myself to take my hands away from Arnold. He looked so sad at the thought of me leaving, but I couldn't very well stay in Wonderland forever like he had chosen to do. It wasn't a fantastic life, but I did have one to go back to. "Please, I promise to never come back and bother you again so just let the hatter stay."
"Oh, this is all very sweet, but I'm afraid it won't do. I can't very well go back on my word now, can I?" the queen said with a malicious smile and I knew what her next words would be. "Off with their heads!"
Acting purely on instinct, I remembered Arnold's words from earlier and jumped over the playing cards. Since Arnold was still holding my hand, he followed me nimbly over the cards and ran with me. "You know this labyrinth! How do we get out?!" I asked as we entered the maze.
"It doesn't matter! If the queen doesn't want us to leave, it's impossible to get out!"
"I thought everything was abstract in Wonderland?"
"Only if the queen wants it to be."
When we turned the corner some playing cards were waiting for us. I quickly turned the other way and heard a familiar voice call for us. I followed it and soon the maze had disappeared out of my sight. The Lila Cat and the Gerald Hare appeared next to us, flying and jumping with us.
"You've really done it this time, Arnold!" Gerald said in a panic.
"Yes, I'm aware! I couldn't just let Helga lose her head because of me." the Mad Hatter replied.
"Me?!" I repeated. "You're the one who was going to take the fall for me, I couldn't let you do that!"
"As sweet as your little lovers' tiff is, we really need to figure out how to get you two out of Wonderland!" Gerald interrupted. "Lila Cat, can't you make a portal back to the world above?"
"You know ever so well that I can only open the portal for long enough for one person to enter it!"
"Then it should be Helga!" Arnold said.
"What? No! Then what will happen to you? There must be another way!" I insisted.
"There isn't." Arnold said resolutely. "Lila, please!"
The Lila Cat sighed sadly and started swinging her tail. "We must be ever so quick then!" she said while what looked like a tunnel started to appear in front of us a little further ahead.
"But what will happen to you if I just leave?" I asked as I looked at Arnold.
He smiled at me. "I will be fine, I promise."
"How?!"
"Everything in Wonderland is abstract." He reminded me before we reached the portal. He then took his hat off his head, put it on mine instead and pushed me into the portal. I screamed as I felt my insides being torn apart. It felt as if I was changing size again and the vision of Arnold, Gerald and Lila faded as I was pulled away from them.
I landed on something with a loud thud and I groaned at the pain. I looked around and saw some light ahead of me. I crawled frantically and pulled myself out of a familiar hole. I looked around and realized that I was back in Hillwood park. The sight was so familiar and yet it felt like I had never been here before. Everything looked so normal and it was freaking me out. I ran away from the bushes and down towards the pond where my backpack was still leaning against the tree. I looked around, expecting to see a cat flying, a caterpillar talk to me or wax figures dancing, but the park was as empty as I had left it.
With a sigh, I grabbed my backpack and swung it over my shoulder. The sound of paper caught my ears and I looked down at the grass. I could see my still empty essay paper and I picked it up. I stayed crouched for a moment and stared at it. Then a wide smile spread on my face. I started running through the park and I didn't stop running until I was back in my house. I stayed in my room for the rest of the evening, writing my essay with vigor. The words were pouring out of me and I had never felt so excited about anything in my life.
When the night had passed and it was time to hand in the essay to my teacher, I wasn't remotely nervous. That morning, I gave it to him with a smile. The next day he wanted to talk to me privately and when my classmates had left, he praised my essay to the skies. He told me that he could feel the passion in my writing and that he looked forward to see if my newborn dream would come true. I thanked him for his support and left the school.
I was imagining whether I could actually pull through my plans of traveling the world and writing stories inspired by every country I'd go to when a sound resonated in my ears. I turned around and saw a pig come running down the street towards me. I recognized the blonde tuffs of hair on it and I called its name, but it ran right past me. It continued running down the sidewalk and I ran after it. I wasn't sure if it was out of habit or if the adrenaline was suddenly running through my body, but I kept following Abner until I reached the park.
I didn't stop until I saw the pig stop near the tree at the pond. Its curly tail was wiggling as a hand caressed its head. I could feel my heart skip a beat when the person behind the tree stood up and walked around the trunk. I held my breath and couldn't help but touch the small, blue cap on my head as I looked at its owner. He smiled at me as I approached him.
"How…?" I asked in a small voice.
"I told you, everything in Wonderland is abstract." Arnold explained.
"But I thought that depended on the queen?" I asked with a crooked smile.
"Not even the queen can control everything. Besides, I will always be able to find my hat."
I laughed breathlessly and took the cap off my head. "So that's why you gave it to me." I observed as I put it back on his head. "So you could find your way back here."
"I wanted to find you at least." Arnold admitted and looked around. "This town looks the same as when I left it… but I'm not the same anymore. I have no idea what to do from here, it's been many years since I had to think about the future."
"Well, you'll find out what to do when the time is ripe." I said with a smirk.
"You sound like the Lila Cat."
"Gee, thanks." I said sarcastically and laughed with him. "I thought Wonderland was your sanctuary?"
"It was… but I realized that you were right. How do you know what happiness is when you have never experienced sorrow?" Arnold said with a small smile. "So, will you teach me the ways of this world again? I'm afraid I've forgotten how to be a normal human being."
"I can't very well say no to the boy who risked his life to save me." I said and started walking next to him. "I can't teach you how to be a normal human being because I've forgotten what is normal. Wonderland was full of nonsense and it has affected me. I mean, my dream is to become a fantasy writer now so normal isn't really in my vocabulary from now on."
"So nonsense makes sense now?" Arnold asked curiously.
I started smiling and then looked back at the former Mad Hatter. "Something like that."
The end
Author's 2nd note: And that's that! I realize that the ending was pretty lame, but I really didn't know how to end this properly xD I hope you had some laughs through this, I know I did because the whole thing seemed so stupid. Maybe you should only read this when you're intoxicated, kinda like with the original story xD