"Mustard and Muses"
"Stupid, stupid, stupid," Katt muttered, glaring at the computer screen. Why can't I get this dang thing written? she thought, cursing to herself. It's not like I have writer's block or anything... "Stupid."
"What's so stupid?"
Katt nearly jumped out of her skin at the sound of the voice which came from behind her. Quickly regaining her composure, she glanced over her shoulder, realizing who it was. "Never mind.." she snarled, narrow eyes glaring at her muse. "It's none of your buisness."
Jyou rolled his eyes and laughed. "Yeah, right. You ALWAYS say that... so what's the trouble?"
Katt frowned, and turned back to the computer. She put her fingers to the keyboard as if she was going to type something out, and frowned. "I can't write straight," she mumbled.
"Huh?" Jyou asked, leaning in to get a better look at the screen. "You're using a computer. The type looks pretty straight to me.. I've seen your real life writing, and that's pretty crooked, not to mention messy, but still-"
"Not THAT kind of straight, you idiot!" Katt exploded in frustration, whacking him over the head with her handy-dandy Anglais-Francais dictionary. "I mean straight as in guys liking girls, not crooked straight!"
"Well next time, be more specific," Jyou whined, rubbing the side of his head where the extra-thick dictionary had hit him. "Besides, what's the problem with not being able to write straight?"
Katt turned around and stared at him, the typical 'duh' expression crossing her face. "Think about it! Not only is yaoi considered Funky over here, but I promised some people I'd write a straight! In fact, I promised MYSELF I'd write straight, just to challenge my writing!"
"Oh yeah.. I forgot."
Katt frowned. "How could you forget? I thought you wrote all this stuff down."
"Well.. I do... but you used that paper to light up the fireplace, remember? And I can't exactly remember all this stuff if you keep hitting me with that dictionary.."
Katt sweatdropped. "Riiiiiiight..."
"Anyway, it's not that big a problem. Just.. um..." Jyou frowned, thinking. "Just... I know! Write a yaoi fic, then replace all the names and pronouns and stuff!"
"Don't be stupid," Katt muttered through her teeth, trying to resist the urge to slap him. "You know what my yaoi fics are like. The straight stuff is supposed to be fluffy. It seems like ALL straight stuff is fluffy. And you know dang well I haven't written a fluffy yaoi fic yet."
"What about the Shishi?"
"That wasn't fluffy, it was cheezy. And sappy."
"Well, what about the Frames triad?"
Katt sighed exasperatedly, banging her head on the keyboard. "You were dead! It doesn't count if the guy falls in love with someone who killed themselves! I mean, it isn't like it's physically possible to kiss a ghost!"
"Well, you managed to pull it off pretty well.."
"But that doesn't count!"
"It doesn't?" Jyou replied, arching an eyebrow.
"No, it doesn't," Katt said, voice muffled by the keyboard. "At least, I don't think it does. Besides, even if it did, Frames was 99.9% angst and suicide and all that bad stuff. No good."
Jyou shrugged. "Okay, so forget about the yaoi. But hey, your Hishiro fic was good-"
"Koukari. It's not Hishiro, it's Koukari. Get it right."
"All right then, Koukari. Anyway, it wasn't bad-"
"It was sappy."
"So? I thought you said the people like sappy!"
"But I DON'T!"
"Oh give me a break-"
"I'd gladly break every bone in your body. Now shut up."
All the colour (well.. what little was there) drained from Jyou's face. "Why do you like killing me so much?" He asked, swallowing nervously.
Katt grinned, showing rows of razor sharp teeth. "Do your really want to know?"
"Um.. yeah."
The author's grin grew even wider. "It's 'cause you're soooo cuuute," She hissed, eyes twinkling.
"Why oh WHY did I ever agree to this?" Jyou muttered, sweatdropping.
"You didn't AGREE to anything. I FORCED you into this, remember?"
"Oh yeah... you threatened to send Jedi Taichi and Yamato on a mission to assassinate me. I remember now."
"Don't ever forget it," Katt mumbled, looking at her computer screen. After a moment, she frowned. "Screw this.. I'm going to write yaoi. Who cares if I can't write straight."
"Perfect. What is it this time?" Jyou asked, relieved that she was calming down, though he remained slightly nervous. Usually her yaoi fics turned out rather bloody on his part.. "It isn't Jyoushiro again, is it?"
"Nah.. not this time. Maybe a Jyouto, though.. I've had one bouncing around in my head for a while.." She glanced out the corner of her eye at Jyou, who looked like he was about to be sick. "Problem?" she asked, smiling sweetly.
"You know how much I hate it when you put me in yaoi fics... C'mon, couldn't you write one about me and Mimi?"
Katt frowned and extended her claws, which were fifteen inches long. She rose from her chair and grabbed hold of her rather... uncooperative muse, putting her claws to his throat. "Don't EVER say that again," she hissed, eyes acquiring a violent glint. "Comprendez?"
"C-c-c-comprendez," Jyou stammered, voice squeaking slightly. "Now can you PLEASE get those very....very.... VERY sharp claws out of my face?"
"Fine then," Katt muttered, retracting her claws and returning to her computer chair.
Jyou sighed with relief and rubbed his neck, stomach lurching at the thought of what she would have done to him. "What do you have against Mimi, anyway?" he asked, glaring at Katt.
"I don't really have anything against her... I just don't like her, and I don't like pink, and I REALLY don't like you and her as a couple. Besides, she just.. doesn't do a thing for me. And I figure that since you and me are very similar, we probably have similar tastes." She smirked, and looked at him out of the corner of her eye. "Admit it.. if you went out with her for even a day, you wouldn't be able to stand her."
"I guess so," Jyou admitted, leaning on the back of the computer chair. "But you can't deny that she's pretty.."
"Feh," Katt muttered, rolling her eyes. "She's pretty, but only in the way a quetzal is pretty. Nice to look at, but as I said before, she just doesn't do anything for me." She fell silent, looking at the screen. "Hmm.. I just can't write today... there must be something wrong with my mind."
"Maybe you just need to try something new.."
"Like what?" Katt asked, turning around to look at him. "I've written about almost every couple possible.. well.. not quite, but I've written a lot of different ones.."
"That's not what I meant. Maybe you should try a different kind of story.. Like a Sailor Moon-Digimon crossover or something."
"Hmm.." Katt closed her eyes, considering this for a second. "Nah.. it wouldn't work."
"Whyyyy?"
"Because-" Katt stopped herself, and glared up at her muse. "Wait a second.... are you trying to get me to write a straight?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Jyou... you know you're a terrible liar, right?"
Jyou hesitated. "Right.."
"All right then.." Katt said, the corner of her mouth twitching in amusement. "Who do you want me to pair you with? And PLEASE don't say Serena. I can't stand her.."
Jyou shifted uncomfortably, unable to look directly at Katt. "Sailor Mercury," he said quietly.
Katt's eyes narrowed. "No way! She's mine!"
"Oh yeah? Since when?"
"That's it!" Snarling, Katt turned to her computer and began to type furiously. "I'm going to kill you again. I don't care if the damn thing has plot or not, you're doing down!"
Jyou stepped away, sweatdropping. "Ookay-"
"SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Trembling with fear, Jyou ran upstairs to the kitchen phone. He quickly punched in the number to Koushiro's cell phone, wishing he hadn't gotten himself into this mess. "C'mon.. ring, darnit!"
"Hello?"
"Koushiro!" Jyou burst out, hoping Katt wouldn't realize what he was doing. "I'm so glad I could reach you-"
"Jyou? Is this important? I'm kinda busy-"
"Yes! Yes it is! Gods, Koushiro, how do you STAND being a muse? I mean, what IS it about these authors anyway? I swear, they're all crazy! I was going to phone the asylum but I figured Katt would be able to break out due to her fanfic author powers. She's driving me absolutely CRAZY!!!"
"Whoa, calm down! Just take a deep breath.. Now what's the problem?"
"Problem?" Jyou squeaked, breathing deeply. "Problem? This author is bloody insane! I mean, she almost killed me ten times! And that's just this morning!"
"In fic or in 'real life'?"
"In 'real life'."
"I...see. Well, I don't know how to help you... I mean, my author isn't crazy... unless she's had too much soda, that is. And even then, she doesn't try to kill me off... much."
Jyou felt a hand clamp down onto his mouth and cold claws like knives pressed against his throat. And the all too familiar voice, sweet yet utterly evil.. "Jyou, sugar, who're you talkin' to?"
"N-no one-"
"Let me see that," Katt snarled, plucking the phone receiver from his hand. "Who the heck is this?" she growled into the phone.
"Katt?"
"Oh, Koushiro! I didn't know it was you," Katt squeaked, trying to contain her sudden giddiness.
"Um.. yeah, that's it. Um... you didn't kill Jyou, did you?"
Katt glanced over at Jyou, who was looking at her with frightened, pleading eyes. "Noo... not yet.. why?"
On his end of the phone, Koushiro sweatdropped. This would be tricky... as much as he hated Katt, he couldn't just let her kill his friend. I've got to do this, he thought, taking a deep breath.
"Never mind that... it's just.."
"Yes?"
Koushiro swallowed hard and tried his best not to laugh. "Well, Katt, honey, it'd hurt me very much if you killed Jyou... I know he's kind of strange, but he's still my friend.. you know that. If you can, could you please let him live? It'd mean a lot to me." He sucked in his breath, waiting for either a scream from Jyou or an acknowledgment from Katt..
Katt paused, staring at the phone in her hand, barely managing to stop herself from squeaking. After several deep breaths she managed to calm down sufficiently. "All right, Koushiro, darling," she purred, removing her claws from Jyou's throat. "If it makes you happy, I won't kill the poor sap. For now, any way."
"Great.. Well.. I got to hang up now..."
"Okay then... Bye, sweetie." Sighing, Katt hung off the phone. She clung to the counter, a goofy grin on her face.
Jyou, having recovered from his near-death experience, looked at her strangely. "Katt? Is something wrong?"
"Nothing, nothing at all," Katt squeaked. "In fact, I'm perfect!"
"Say what?"
Katt grinned at him. "Never mind, sugar. I think I'm through with fic writing for today.. could you go turn off the computer for me?"
"Um.. all right, I guess.."
"Thanks, sugar," Katt squeaked. She looked him in the eyes, narrow eyes sparkling. Much to Jyou's surprise, she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, then quickly ran out of the kitchen, sneakers squeaking on the overwaxed floor.
Mind swimming, Jyou headed downstairs toward the computer room, pausing to glance into Katt's bedroom. She was sitting at her desk, hugging her Koushiro plushie and singing 'Version Up' softly to herself. Jyou sighed, and shook his head. He would never understand those crazy female Koushiro-obsessed authors....