(Disclaimer: Ah! My Goddess is the creation of Kousuke Fujishima. May Belldandy forgive me!)
Hello.
My name is Keisuke Isayama. I'm a university graduate.
Well, no, not really. If you want to get technical about it, I didn't go to university per se. But I did try my darndest to get in! I must have taken that entrance exam six years in a row. I'm sure that I would have passed it the seventh time, but they stopped telling me where the exam was going to be held. (Those university jerks). So I ended up taking some night classes...here and there.
Okay, so maybe I don't have the greatest educational background in the world, but that doesn't stop me from having a great career!
It's the lousy Japanese economy that stops me from having a great career.
Now it's true that I've had some great jobs in my time. Lots of great jobs! In fact, I've actually QUIT some jobs that other guys would kill to have!
(Did I ever mention that I mastered the art of handing in my resignation the day before the boss invites me into his office for a 'chat'?)
But despite the weak economy, there's always employment available for a man who wants to work. And after that, there's usually even a spare job available for me!
In fact, I've got a part-time job right now, in a very demanding and exciting field! I don't want to give it away, but the company I work for rhymes with "Jamway." And that's apart from my regular full-time job!
So I've got one job that gives me a place to live and puts food on the table, another job that puts cash in my pocket. So what do I do with my spare time?
I spend it with my lady friends. Believe it or not, I am NOT lacking in the area of female companionship. You might not expect it to look at me... me, a man who was voted "most likely to be mistaken for an alien autopsy" back in high school!
How did it all happen, you say? I'm glad you asked...
Bad Ideas Gone Wrong Productions Presents
Otaku Dreams, Otaku Wishes
An Ah! My Goddess Spamfic by Geoduck
Keisuke Isayama was in a bad way. A very bad way.
"My porn...my beautiful, beautiful porn!"
Gone, all of it. Not lost to fire or to theft, but to that most implacable of all forces: economic necessity.
"Lousy jerk at the pawnshop, sneering at me like that. Talk about adding insult to injury. I should complain." Keisuke put his face in his hands and groaned. "Lousy rent. All my collection, my whole life's work, for what? Selling all of my porn barely covers one month's rent payment!"
His reflections were interrupted by the phone ringing. "That's weird...I thought that thing got cut off." He picked up the receiver. "Yeah?"
The voice on the end was sultry and sensual. The sexiest voice he had ever heard...and considering that he was a connoisseur of things pornographic, that really meant something. "Hello, honey. Goddess Relief Office here. Glad to hear you're at home. I'll be over in just a jif."
There was a click and the line went dead. "Wait a sec..." Keisuke set the receiver down and picked it up again. No dial tone. "So it really WAS cut off! But how did she call..."
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
Keisuke's mind worked furiously: 'If she was knocking at my door right now...that must mean she was waiting just outside with a cell phone. Do I want to open the door? On the one hand, she might be a bill collector...on the other hand, she might be a stalker. And that would be COOL!'
Deciding on a course of action, he spoke. "Uh, you aren't a bill collector, are you? The law says you gotta tell me."
"No, I'm not a bill collector." He could hear the smile in her sexy, sexy voice. "In fact, I have something to give you."
"It's not a warrant or a summons, is it? Because if it is, I don't want it."
"Don't worry, Keisuke Isayama. It's something you will want, I assure you."
Curiosity won the day over caution, and with a mixture of trepidation and lust Keisuke slid the door aside to reveal the most desirable woman he had ever seen in three dimensions. And those dimensions were SPECTACULAR.
"Hi, big boy," she smirked. "My name is Urd."
"I'm surprised you've accepted my story so quickly. Usually people don't believe it when we explain that we're goddesses, they want to see a miracle or something. I mean, they're nice about it and all, but they usually want proof."
"Well, actually Urd, just the fact that a beautiful woman showed up at my apartment is enough of a miracle to make me a believer."
"So...you don't have women over very much, do you Keisuke?"
"Well, no. I'll be frank about it. I've never had a girlfriend in my life. I'm still a virgin. I actually tried going to a soapland once, but they just took my money and laughed at me."
"So, you'd like to wish for a girlfriend then?" Her face grew dark for a moment. "Don't think about wishing for me to be your girlfriend, by the way. I had them change the bylaws so that could NOT happen."
"Oh, don't worry. I've actually got it figured out. Having a wish like this is a unique opportunity. I'm not going to ask you for a girlfriend. What I want is a HAREM!"
"...a what?"
"A harem! Like in all those anime shows! You know, the loser guy who's never had a girlfriend in his life, suddenly lives in a house with a bunch of beautiful girls! And they all want him! All sorts of fun accidents are happening so that he sees one (or more) of them naked, or accidentally ends up in bed with one of them, or things like that. And of course, he falls in love with the one who's coldest towards him, but she's only pretending to be cold because she's so embarrassed by being in love, but she gives in to it eventually. You know, the whole tsundere thing. That's got to be the perfect life! That's the life I want to wish for!"
"I see...so that's your hearts desire, is it?"
"Yup. Can you make it happen please?"
Urd smiled enigmatically, then chuckled. Her laughter grew louder and more evil. Keisuke wasn't completely certain, but he thought this just might be a bad sign.
"Foolish mortal, to reveal your heart's desire so quickly to me!"
"Uh...does this mean that there's some kind of problem with my wish?"
Urd reached behind her head and pulled forward...her face fell off as if it were a mask. Keisuke looked curiously at this new face...one equally as beautiful as the last, but somehow more frightening. "Urd...what's going on?"
"Idiot. My name is Mara."
"Ah. And are you going to give me my wish, Mara?"
Mara smiled a truly frightening smile. "Oh, not me. Your wish will be supplied to you by my good friend, Senbei. He's been feeling a little down lately, but I'm sure that granting your wish...with a few minor modifications...is sure to raise his happiness index a few dozen notches."
"Modifications?"
"Oh, don't worry...you're going to be surrounded by many adoring females. A 'harem' of them, if you will. And you'll never be parted from them, I promise..."
So anyway, that's the story of how I got my apartment and full-time job here. I'm a caretaker, just like that one guy in that one show, Love BEEPina!
Sure, he might have been a caretaker in a girl's dormitory, but I think being caretaker in a women's old age home has its advantages too. I mean...there's something to be said for mature women, right? They're really experienced! Believe me, they know what they're doing. And at least I'm not a virgin anymore!
Whoops...looks like it's time for me to go mop out the women's baths.
If I get an eyeful, I'll be sure to tell you all about it. I promise!
FINIS
SPECIAL OMAKE EXTRA!!! A rejected trailer for "Otaku Dreams, Otaku Wishes"
BLACK SCREEN
NARRATOR: Goddesses. From heaven above, they come to earth to help bring happiness to mankind, and to reward people of good heart.
Scene: Outdoors. Keisuke Isayama trudges down the street.
NARRATOR: Keisuke Isayama. Twenty-five years old. Unemployed. 6-time university exam failure. No money. No girlfriend...not now, not ever. Will he be saved from despair by a Goddess? Will he receive his heart's desire?
Keisuke looks upward, hopefully.
NARRATOR: Probably not, because this is NOT his story.
KEISUKE: Hey!
Author's Note: This is a spamfic. If you want to castigate me for violating the conventions of the A!MG universe, please submit them in person to the "Bad Ideas Gone Wrong Productions" complaints department in Ushuaia, Argentina. Thank you.
Thanks, as always, to my brother Arcturus.
The "Love BEEPina" thing was my attempt to copy a running gag from Hayate the Combat Butler. Hope it worked.