Neo steps out onto the stage of a school auditorium. What school this is we do not know. His house is by the river though. No wait, never mind. Anyway, Neo of...the Matrix steps out onto the stage. He is wearing his customary all-black ensemble, though it impossible to say what designer made it, as there are no tags poking out and around. However, we can assume that Neo is a badass, because he is wearing his sunglasses. These he flings into the audience of screaming women and homosexual men, and proceeds to say something...
"I" he strikes a pose "am" strikes another pose "the CHOSEN ONE!" strikes his last pose to tumultous applause and several lace panties flying around. He holds up his hands to acknowledge the applause, or maybe just to catch the panties, but suddenly!
"OH NO YOU DI'IN'T!"
Anakin Skywalker nances out from backstage, swinging his trusty lightsaber, which just so happens to be glowing red with righteous Darksidedness. He's got that sexy look on his face that clearly says, "I'm'a kick your ass, bitch!" Which is in fact what he says next as he engages Neo in a purring war. Ani succeeds at purring the loudest, and so makes his statement:
"Don't believe this hack! I, Anakin Purrwalker, uh Skywalker, am the CHOSEN ONE!"
The audience gasps, then several lace panties and equally lacy bras fly up and hit Ani in the face, as fangirls(and boys) scream their love, unless it's actually lust. Anakin smiles big, though falters slightly when dozens of chocolate chip cookies start hitting him. Then he goes into a feeding frenzy and starts eating them Cookie Monster-style, combined with the Force, which he uses to zoom them up to his mouth, though he does bend over a few times, just to give the audience a treat.
Just then, darling Anakin is ka-whacked from behind by none other than...um...Neo! Yeah, Neo! Only, everybody sort've forgot about him. Righto, so Neo ownz'd Ani's ass, which doesn't really help that much, 'cause when you piss off Anakin Skywalker, he goes all Choke Force on your ass. Which is what he does to Neo. But since Neo is right there, Anakin is in kicking distance, so Matrix Man kicks him where it hurts. Poor Ani is forced(hee hee, Forced!) to drop him, as he falls to the ground, twitching and whimpering with pain. Meanwhile, the audience is not sure who to cheer for, and so is confused, especially since some of them are wondering whether or not they should be getting their underwear back at some point, since they kinda need it.
Anakin uses the Force to suck it up and deal with his immense pain, and so is able to get up. In doing so, he "forces"(hee hee) his lightsaber to fly over to him, knocking into Neo's head as it goes. Ani neatly catches his trusty weapon, and strikes a sexeh pose, as he turns it on. Neo strikes his own pose, as he gets ready to kick some serious ass with his supah kung fu skeelz.
"I AM THE CHOSEN ONE, AND I WILL MAKE YOU ADMIT IT BEFORE I KICK YOUR ASS INTO THE NEXT GALAXY!" Anakin squeals.
"HELL NO, BITCH! IT IS I WHO WILL KICK YOUR ASS, WITH DA POWA OF DE MATRIX! YOU GOIN' DOWN!" Neo squeals back.
"EXPELLIARMUS!" squeaks a cracking voice of someone not a boy, but not yet a man.
Ani's beloved lightsaber, Duchess, is expelled from his pretty hands, and hits the stage, where, still turned on, it proceeds to melt through the wood, and finally falls down below, into the dark, murky, and most likely haunted depths of...er...well, the space below the stage.
"NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!111111111" Ani screams. "DUCHESS, MY DARLING, NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!111"
Neo, being without a weapon to be disarmed, save for the several dozens of firearms he had tucked away for safekeeping in his clothing, is relatively unharmed, though his clothing is ripped rather erotically in all manner of places, causing some people in the audience to pass out and even die of sheer joy. However, he is very pissed, because this was his favorite outfit, though the designer is still unknown. He glares in a sexy way at the young man before him.
This young man has unusually tidy hair, and blue eyes, so at first the audience is confused. Who the hell is this whelp, and why did he stop the brawl? The young man looks around, realizes why nobody is cheering, and yells in his pubescent voice.
"COME ON! IT'S ME, HARRY POTTER!"
The audience is skeptical, so Harry, in an act of true desperation, sighs irritably, rolls his eyes, and lifts up his bangs, to reveal...a scar! shaped like...a chicken wing?
"No! It's a lightening bolt!" someone close to the stage screeches. With this statement, everyone freaks out, fearing that the lightening bolt means that a messenger of Zeus has come from on high to bring out a Can O' Holy Whoop-Ass. Everybody starts screaming, some even falling on their knees to beg forgiveness.
Harry is sincerely hurt by this extreme lack of recognition, and breaks down crying.
"I-I w-w-was sup-p-posed to b-be the Chosen One!" he sobs, snorting and wiping his profusely runny nose on his black velvet robes.
At this, the audience goes dead silent. Another Chosen One? Will this be the end?
Anakin, having slightly recovered from the loss of his beloved Duchess, gets up from his grief(and the floor), and turns to where Harry is, his cool Jedi robe swishing, his black leathah squeaking suggestively. Likewise, Neo turns to the boy as well, his ripped, shredded clothes swirling around his muscular body, a new pair of shades covering his eyes, for what purpose, we can only guess at.
Harry looks up, suddenly aware that nothing is as it seems. Or at least that everyone has stopped screaming. He looks toward Neo, advancing on him, then his head swivels over in Anakin's direction. The lad gulps, visibly. He was about to get his ass kicked by two of the most sexiest men he had ever seen. Perhaps he should have waited until they killed each other before announcing himself as the Chosen One.
"Stupid stupid stupid!" he berates himself, though perhaps a little too loudly...
"What'd you say to me, bitch?" Ani growls, all the purr gone.
"You callin' me stupid?" Neo demands.
Harry is suddenly overcome by his desire to love, and when the two older men get close enough, he bounces up and squeezes both of them tight, attempting to overcome them with his love.
However, this was even more stupid, and Harry's ass gets kicked. Big time.
Ani and Neo began kicking and poking Harry, who has fallen once again to the ground, only this time in a fetal position, as he tries to keep his glasses from getting smushed. Suddenly, he remembers that he is a wizard, has a wand, and knows how to use magic. So he hexes his assailants. Anakin ends up with stinging welts all over his neck which he will have to explain to Padme later on, while Neo gets his pants ripped off completely, revealing his pink and lacy thong. The audience gasps, completely shocked.
"It's not mine, I swear! It's...uh, my girlfriend's! Yeah!" Neo tries to restore his tarnished dignity. If he ever had any. Anakin is just shocked.
"You see! That proves I'm the Chosen One! Right, Professor!" Harry squeals, looking at someone at the back left corner of the stage.
Professor Dumbledore looks up from his conversation with two other men at a charming little table, complete with a porcelain tea set. Somehow nobody had noticed any of this, though the whole thing has been there since Neo walked onstage.
"Hm? Oh yes, whatever Harry dear." He goes back to speaking intently with his tea time companions.
"There! You see? Professor Dumbledore says I'm right, so there!" Harry proceeds to stick his tongue out at Ani and Neo, and shaking his boo-tay in a very childish manner.
Neo turns to face the boy, then suddenly notices something that so far has escaped his attention completely.
"MORPHEUS! What the hell are YOU doing here?" he shouts, having caught sight of his mentor having tea and crumpets with Dumbledore.
"Obi Wan!" Anakin says, having also caught sight of his mentor, as he munches happily on a scone at the charming little table.
"WHAT'S THE DEAL!" Neo and Ani scream simultaneously.
Morpheus and Obi Wan look at each other and sigh. Dumbledore merely sits there, a twinkle in his eye, and a smile on his lips. Harry is still skipping around, though now he is conducting the audience as they sing "Potter Is Our King."
Just then, however, Ani and Neo decide they don't really care why their mentors are there, drinking tea and eating delicious pastries with each other. At last, they have someone who can prove who really is... The Chosen One.
"Master, tell Domi-matrix Boi that I'm the Chosen One!" Ani whines piteously.
"Morheus, tell Force Boi that I am the One who was Chosen!" Neo whines, equally piteously.
Obi and Morphy sigh once again.
"Can't you kids just get along?" Obi says, trying to appeal to the stubborn "boi's."
"Yeah, why can't you both be Chosen Ones?" Morphy suggests.
"You'd certainly get more done that way," Dumbledore admits, still smiling with that twinkle in his eye.
Neo and Ani look at each other. "Well, okaaayy," they say. "But what about that kid over there?" Neo asks, jabbing his thumb in Harry's direction, who's still conducting. "Yeah, he wants to be a Chosen One too," Ani says.
"Dear dear, we can't have three Chosen Ones, that wouldn't be right, now, would it?" Dumbledore asks rhetorically. "Don't worry, I'll take care of him," and with a wave of his wand, Harry disappears. "There, happy now?"
"Oh yes!" the newly chosen Chosen Ones say as they nance over to the front of the stage and begin to teach the audience a song about sharing. The mentors smile fondly and continue with their teatime conversation, chuckling over the past antics of their students.
THE END