Prologue
December 19, 2009
Everything was happening so fast. Things seemed to be spinning out of control around me. I can't remember the names of most of the people hugging me or offering condolences. Just keep smiling and saying thank you. This will all be over soon, and then I can go home and snuggle up with my babies soon enough. My babies… I have no idea what to do or say when those sad little eyes look at me asking for Daddy. Seth kind of understood that Daddy wasn't coming home, but Leah just kept asking, "where Daddy?" in her sweet little one-year old voice. I kind of remember standing up and walking up to the podium to speak. I know that I told everyone how Jacob had been my best friend and my rock. I vaguely remembered talking about what a good dad he was, and how he meant so many things to so many people, but when little Seth stood up and said, "Don't cry Mommy, I'll take care of you." it hit me that Jacob was gone and never coming back. That's when I knew that I was going to have to toughen up and do whatever it took to take care of my sweet children.
The rest of the memorial passed quickly. When you have been teaching in a fairly small town for over ten years, you knew everyone. Jacob was a teacher and coach at Port Angelas High School, so it seemed like the entire town was there. He grew up on the La Push reservation right outside of Forks, Washington, so most of Forks was there as well. He was a well-love guy which meant there were so many people around that my head was spinning by the time Charlie drove us home. I will get through this. I will not break down in front of all of these people.
Both kids were asleep in the back seat, so Charlie helped carry them inside and put them to bed. It didn't take long before I started reflecting on the fact that Seth was almost too heavy to carry by myself and that Jacob wasn't there to help with that anymore. It's not like I hadn't been thinking about what life would be like without Jacob for quite some time, but now it was real. I guess you deserve this. You get what you ask for. I really had to face how truly different my world was going to be.
Charlie walked in the kitchen after putting Seth in his own bed for the first time in two days. "I'm worried about you Bells." I don't know how you're going to be able to keep going on no food and very little sleep." I focused on the wine that I was pouring and wondered if I could even express what I was really feeling. I didn't want to have a lengthy conversation tonight, and my bed was calling to me. "I appreciate your concern Dad, but I will be fine. I just have a lot of stuff to sort through." I could tell by the look he was giving me that he wanted to talk some more and make sure that I wasn't about to break down, but I had to let Charlie know that right now I was not willing to discuss things. I had so many mixed emotions that I wasn't sure I wouldn't sound like a complete lunatic if I even tried to talk about Jacob.
"Sue Clearwater sure did look pretty in that dress she was wearing," I said as I smirked at him. Charlie blushed and smiled that sweet smile that only he could pull off. I had successfully changed the subject. For a while, at least. We talked about the people that were at the service for a few minutes, and Charlie offered to stay on the couch for the night in case I needed anything. It was the last thing that I wanted at the moment. "I think it's best if the kids and I have a day alone tomorrow. I'll call you tomorrow night." I felt guilty brushing him off like that, but I really just wanted to be left alone for a little while. Since Wednesday night, there had been a constant stream of people in and out of my house, and I was worn out. I put on one of Jacob's old t-shirts and crawled into bed. I laid there for a few minutes and had to push the thought of e-mailing him out of my mind. Although I thought I would be awake all night thinking, sleep came immediately. For the first time since Wednesday night, there were no dreams, no kicks in the ribs, no nothing… Just silence. until I heard the blood curdling scream.