"That was a tough call down there on Virmire," Garrus put his hand on Shepard's shoulder.
She sighed, "I wish there had been another way. If only we'd had enough time to pull around and pick her up."
Garrus nodded. "Maybe she's found some redemption in her sacrifice."
"I think so, not that she needed it, not at all. But – I'm going to make sure the Alliance recognizes her in some way. Captain Kirrahe said something similar." She looked up at Garrus. He squeezed her shoulder and moved away.
"Have you filed your report?"
She nodded.
"Come on, you need to get something to eat."
"I really don't-"
He took her arm, "I'm not going to let you beat yourself up for this and start punishing yourself. This mission just keeps getting more complicated, more stressful."
She reluctantly agreed and followed him to the mess hall. She sat at the table as he got her something to eat. She appreciated his company, his advice, his counsel. She was glad to have him as her best friend.
"Here, I got that sandwich thing you like to eat." He pushed the plate towards her with a drink.
"Grilled cheese?"
"Yea, that one." He had a dextro ration he was opening.
She looked around the mess, the crew was quieter than usual. The ramifications of the last mission not lost on them. It was easy to feel invincible when they were able to rack up the wins, keep closing in on Saren. Reality smacked them all in the face on Virmire, a new respect for the choices and decisions Shepard had to make.
"Everything okay with Wrex now?"
She nodded, "Yea. He apologized, well, in his own way. I understand his position. I don't think he was really going to hurt me."
"I had a close eye on him, just in case." Garrus said lowly.
She smiled, "I know."
Kaidan walked by and sat next to her at the table. "Sorry for what I said back there at the debrief. Adrenaline."
"It's okay. It was tough for all of us." Shepard kept eating.
"I just keep asking, why her? Why not me?"
Shepard tried to keep her frustration in check, "I had to make a decision. I chose you."
Kaidan smiled slightly, then took a drink. "I know, it's just, I don't know."
Garrus spoke up, "This is the reality of the mission. We're lucky we haven't lost more people to be honest."
Shepard agreed.
"Well, it sounds strange, but I feel like I have to say thanks, Commander." Kaidan got up quickly and took his drink with him.
She raised her eyebrows and shook her head. Garrus put his taloned hand over hers across the table, "You did the right thing down there."
"Thanks. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he got to live only because he was arming the bomb."
Garrus chuckled and they finished their meals. "What's our next step, Ilos?"
She stood up and stretched, "No, I've got to get the Salarians back to the Citadel first, then Ilos. I'm heading up to the CIC now to set a course."
"I'll get some calibrating done. Let me know if you need me for anything."
She looked up at him as he stood tall beside her. He often helped her with strategy, perspective on upcoming missions.
"I will, Garrus, thanks." She hesitated for a moment, then left for the stairs.
As she slowly walked up she could still feel the warmth of his hand on hers. She'd been wildly infatuated with him since he first came on board. The closer their friendship became, the more her attraction intensified. She was fanatical about not showing her feelings, not wanting to scare him away. Being the new Commander, she didn't want to push it with the Alliance either. It was getting more difficult, though. Her resolve was starting to fade with the intensity of the mission. Ashley's death had shaken her to the core. There was no guarantee any of them would make it out alive. Would it be so bad if she let him know how she felt?
She waited as the doors opened and walked purposefully up to the map. Joker interrupted her, letting her know the Alliance was mounting a joint-species front against Saren.
"About time! I want to make sure the Normandy is at the front of that attack."
She took Garrus and Wrex with her out on the Citadel. An Alliance officer was standing by the Normandy as they exited. Puzzled, Shepard turned to her.
She stammered, "Sorry Commander, you're locked out of the Normandy systems. Udina's orders." The officer couldn't even match her gaze.
She shot at a stunned look at Garrus, who returned her surprise.
He growled, "Let's go see what this is all about."
An hour later, she was back on the docked Normandy, frustrated with the helplessness of the situation. She paced in her quarters, trying to think of her next move. A ping at the door brought her out of her thoughts.
"Enter."
Garrus came in and sat down at her table. He knew her well enough by now to know that when she was angry the best thing he could do was listen.
"This is an outrage," she seethed.
He nodded.
"How the fuck is Udina going to do anything constructive against Saren?" she flailed her arms as she picked up her pacing, "And for them to completely deny the existence of the Reapers. After all we've done, to ground us here now, I can't, ugh!"
"It's all political bullshit. He's sidelining you to keep himself in the forefront, pandering to the Council and their denial of the Reaper threat."
She sat down across him and put her head in her hands. "I don't know what to do, but I can't sit here and do nothing."
Garrus leaned back in his chair, "If we can override the lockout somehow-"
She pulled her head up, "I've tried a few things in the system, it's controlled from the Citadel mainframe. Even Tali wouldn't be able to hack into it, especially in just a few hours. This is the only ship that can go into the Mu relay undetected. There's no other options."
"I know. We'll have to keep thinking. Maybe if we all meet together and brainstorm we can come up with something."
Shepard brought up her omni-tool, "Good idea,"
Joker's voice on the comm stopped her, "Sorry to interrupt, Commander, got a message from Captain Anderson. Said to meet him in that club in the wards, Flux."
She looked at Garrus, wide-eyed, "Looks like we might be able to get somewhere after all. Joker, let him know I'm on my way."
She patted Garrus on the shoulder, "Let's go."
With Anderson's help, they were soon back on the Normandy with the lockout removed.
"Take us out of here Joker, now!" Shepard commanded.
"Aye, aye Commander," he punched in the coordinates for the Mu relay. "ETA 8 hours."
"That long?"
"Yea, it's pretty far out."
She nodded and walked back to her quarters. It was hard taking the Normandy like that, but she knew the Alliance left them no other option. She poured over her computer data looking for any information on the relay, but there was none. Frustrated, she turned it off and sat at her desk with her head in her hands. Suddenly her door opened startling her.
She turned and Kaidan was walking in her quarters. "Hey Shepard. Sorry to interrupt."
She rubbed her eyes, "No, no, it's okay. That's pretty much all I can do to prepare anyway. What's up?"
He walked closer, "It's just, what happens if this all goes south? We've stolen an Alliance warship, mutinied, they could even throw in kidnapping if they wanted to get technical."
"You know Kaidan, we're doing this for the right reasons. I'm not going to wait for approval from a committee while the galaxy is destroyed. I've seen the visions, I've talked to Sovereign. We've got to go after the conduit before Saren finds it." She stood up, talking heatedly.
"Yea, I guess you're right."
Shepard rolled her eyes. "What else Kaidan? I know you didn't come up here to talk strategy or guilt."
He rubbed the back of his neck and turned pink, "I just wanted to say, whatever happens, it's been an honor serving under you."
She softened, "Look, you stopped being just a subordinate a long time ago," she put her hand on his shoulder, "We'll make it, we'll beat him, don't worry."
He reached up for her hand and got closer to her, "With you in command, anything's possible."
She smiled, then suddenly he leaned down and kissed her, wrapping his arms around her waist.
She pushed him back, "Kaidan, stop." He let go, looking surprised.
"Damn, this is awkward, I'm sorry but I don't feel that way about you. I mean, I like you, but not like that." She was shocked.
Kaidan was shaking his head, "I, I'm sorry Shepard. I thought – all those times we talked, I got the message you were interested."
She leaned against her desk and looked down. "I know emotions are running high, but this isn't the time for anything like this. We have to focus on the mission." she was mortified he'd done that. She didn't think she'd given him any encouragement. She thought over the past months, trying to piece it together. Maybe because she'd saved him that day instead of Ashley?
Kaidan was contrite, "You're right, I'm way out of line. I, I'm sorry."
She looked up at him, it must be the stress of the mission. She walked over to her cabinet and pulled out some glasses, "Come on, take a seat, let's have a drink."
Relieved, Kaidan sat down at her table and she poured them each a drink. Holding up her glass, she said, "To Ashley."
He clinked his glass to hers, "To Ashley."
They took a drink and Shepard poured them each another one. Kaidan started talking about his BAaT training. He told her about how he became a biotic, what "brain camp" had been like. She listened, fascinated at this side of him she'd not known about before. She continued to drink as he told her about Commander Vyrnnus, how he'd hurt Rahna, and how Kaidan had snapped.
"I hit him with a biotic kick so hard, I snapped his neck."
She took a sip of her drink, "Pretty impressive for a kid."
He looked up at her, "I killed him Shepard. They couldn't get him to an infirmary soon enough. It was a big scandal. Training shut down pretty much after that."
"Wow. That kind of explains a lot about you."
"Really? Like what?"
She pursed her lips, "Like how controlled you are, how you keep things under wraps."
"I suppose. It is hard for me to loosen up."
"After we save the galaxy tomorrow, maybe you can remedy that."
He looked at her intently, "I was actually trying to do that tonight."
She looked down.
"But," he stood up from the table and finished up his drink, "It was not to be. Thanks for the drink Shepard, and for listening. It's late, I'd better let you get some sleep. We have to be ready for anything tomorrow."
"True." She stood up and walked him to her door, a little unsteadily.
He stood in the open doorway and she gave him a hug, "Thanks for coming by."
He embraced her, holding her tightly and feeling her soft long curls down her back in his hands. He still felt the disappointment of not having his feelings returned, reluctantly letting her go. "Get some sleep." He said softly and turned and walked through the mess.
She stood in the open doorway and watched him walk away. She turned and went back into her quarters, thinking over what he'd told her. She shook her head as she picked up her glasses and put them in the disinfector. She was glad they were able to get past his awkward attempt to be intimate. Maybe he was facing his own mortality and decided to throw caution to the wind. She always had a feeling he was a little sweet on her, but just chalked it up to a harmless crush, never thinking he would actually think she was interested in him.
As she got ready for bed, her thoughts drifted to Garrus. After his first week on the Normandy she'd been curious about the potential of being in a relationship with him and looked up human-turian relations on the extranet. It was possible, he'd have to wear protection, but it was definitely doable. She threw her casuals down the laundry chute and slammed it shut. It had been an exercise in frustration, as he never showed any potential interest in her, not in that way. "I guess I know how Kaidan feels," she said ruefully. Maybe she should go down and talk to Garrus, this could be her last night alive too. "Yea, and have the same disastrous results, no way." She finished her routine and went to bed.