Human Popsicle
On the barren surface of the barren world of Hoth, Jack Mehoff was pleasantly building a snowman. He liked snowmen particularly because he had no one else to converse with. While others made fun of him and laughed, Mr. Snowman stayed ever-so silent. Not insulting or criticizing. If Mr. Snowman could criticize, he would probably start with the fact that Jack had placed the carrot that was for his nose between his legs and the charcoal for his eyes to the left and right of it. But Mr. Snowman stayed silent.
The Battle of Hoth, which had been inconveniently placed on Jack's snowman playground, was not silent. Lasers shot and blasted, ships blew up into burning balls of wreckage; it was very loud. Huge AT-AT's stomped around, shooting stuff while the smaller AT-ST's nimbled about, trying not to get shot at.
Snowspeeders zoomed though the air like confused geese being shot at by a drunken hick wearing overalls. Although the Rebels never admitted it, the snowspeeder was one of the worst airspeeders in the fleet. Its terrible control power made maneuvering almost impossible, which is why a lot of people died in them.
Jack had finished his twenty-second snowman. He was pleased. He looked at his beautiful field of snowmen and smiled to himself. Rows and rows of snowmen, each with there own shape, size, and IQ. He had himself a nice, little town: a Mayor, a chief, a chef, a paperboy, a store manager, and most importantly a town drunk. That was the one he had just finished. With a snow-sculpted bottle of whiskey and his genitals exposed, he was the perfect fit.
How had this little obsession start? Well, it all began two years ago. Jack was twenty-three and he had a little bit of a money problem. He decided that the best way to get some money was to hit up friends. Unfortunately for him, he had no friends. Sometimes he was so lonely that he would talk to the telemarketers that would call him. That friendship ended abruptly when AT&T and Sprint decided that his number should be crossed off on the to-call list. Then he began talking to the commercials as if they could hear him. That was a sad sad state to be in. So then he decided he would join the army. Since the army had those commercials with those buff men saying, "Be all that you can be," he figured he would become buff, smart, rich and all that he could be after just one week of basic training. His dream had not come true, however, for he just ended up facedown in the mud wrapped with barbwire and being yelled at by some unshaved guy with a mullet. Another sad sad state to be in.
Then he had an idea. He would borrow some money from the Mafia. It was perfect: all he had to do was take some money under an alias and when he couldn't repay it he would hitchhike to Yavin and live like a king. Apparently he hadn't thought out his plan enough because the Mafia found him trying to swim from Naboo to Endor in a rowboat and shipped him off to Hoth in a five-by-five foot cardboard box. So for two years he lived on Hoth, living in a cardboard box and eating yellow snow. It was a mystery how he actually survived, but it sparked a TV show from the creator of Survivor called "Shipped In A Cardboard Box And Left To Die: The Hoth Outback" which was a huge hit. He was shipped five bucks for the idea, but for some reason, no one even thought about saving him. As for Left 2 Die the movie (which came out right after the show and starred Kevin Bacon and the voice of Pikachu), it won seven Grammy's including the "Best Supporting Voice of a Cartoon Character" award and the "Best Use of the Numeral Two" award.
Then, in the blink of an eye, one of the AT-AT's stomped all over Jack's town. He screamed. He ran over to the scene of the crime and looked over the survivors. They were badly damaged. The mayor had lost his head, the chef was part of the ground, and the environmentalist lost her left leg and had severed kidney damage. All the others were dead. Jack could see them reaching out to him and crying for help. He began to weep.
"You'll pay for this! You'll pay!" He cried. "Let me just get on my Braveheart war paint. . ."
Filled with rage, he ran up to the mechanical elephant and followed it closely. The ground rumbled as it walked. He ran behind it until stopped. He looked up and noticed a large base he had not notice there before. On the doorway arch it read: Echo Base (Not a secret Rebel headquarter). Jack found this odd, but was happy it wasn't a secret Rebel headquarters because that would mean that the Imperials would come and try to destroy it. He also wondered why those AT-AT's were so interested in it. Was it special? Did it give out free ice cream cones on Tuesdays?
He thought about ice cream for a while and suddenly he was hungry for some. He ran over to the base and was about to open the door when a herd of Rebel troops came rushing out of it. They got in kneeling positions and began firing at the AT-AT's and AT-ST's. The machines began fire at them and a couple men fell over. Jack finally realized that the base was a secret Rebel headquarters and the Imperials were trying to destroy it. He got mad. Really mad. Really really mad. No ice cream cones mad. He decided to get rid of that pesky machine once and for all.
He ran up in front of the rebels and got under the AT-AT. He climbed up the right hind leg and proceeded to the abdomen. Under the body, near the abs was a large red button that read "do not push," so he pushed it. A five-second count down commenced so he jumped down and ran over to Echo Base. When the count down striked zero, the AT-AT exploded in a mass of burning wreckage.
"Yeah!"
The men congratulated him and showed him into the base before they began using his new method of destroying the walkers.
Inside, Jack was instantly amazed by the sheer size of the base. It was huge. He walked down hallway after hallway until he reached a large room with snowspeeders being refueled and loaded up. Everyone was running around and stuff, but what interested Jack the most was the conversation he heard as he walked by.
"He's gone, sir!" Said one.
"Crap! That damn Skywalker will be the end of us." Said the other.
"Should I dispatch a search party?"
"No, no. Don't worry, he'll come in around twelve o'clock with a bad hang over and a slur like he always does."
"I think he might be in danger, sir."
"Well, we don't pay the best damn fighter pilot in the galaxy to think, do we?"
"Well, no, sir."
"Okay then, its settled."
"Wait a second! Are you even my superior officer? I've never seen you before."
"Well, no, I'm the cable guy, but my little name tag thingie says I'm General Carlist Rieekan, commander of the Rebel Echo Base."
"Take that name tag off and get the hell out!" The man said, pointing toward the door.
"Okay, be that way, poopy-head."
Jack kept walking and soon he heard, "Hobbie! Get out there now!"
"But my butt hurts from sitting in that thing all day!"
"I don't care, just get out there!"
"Why don't you sit in one!"
"Because this butt is worth a million credits!"
Jack continued walking and soon he was out of that room and in another hallway. He followed this one for a while and then took a right. This led him to a small room with a stage in the back. Five men were sitting in chairs watching an alien in a tux do magic tricks.
"Hello hello everyone and welcome to my fun! You will laugh you will hop, because my magic just won't stop! Come one and all to my magical stage where you will be put in this cage! The name's Poof, Yarael Poof and my stuff is no goof. I'll play a trick for you if you give a buck forty-two." He held out his hand and the men gave a $1.42 each. "Now now watch this as I take the longest piss! Then see with your eyes a sight that will mesmerize!" He took out a magic wand and tapped it on the table and said, "Tada!" He then waved his hand in the air at the men's faces and said, "There is an elephant on the table." Everyone clapped and was amazed at the empty table.
Jack moved on. He wandered around for a bit before deciding a walk outside would be nice. So we walked outside for a while, passing the walkers and rebels and such. He thought about his snowgirlfriend, Hooters, and his snowchiropractor, Dr. Crackyoback. They were the best. Unfortunately for him, just then a gigantic snowstorm came out of nowhere and blew him over. He got up and started to walk back, but he didn't know which way was back. He looked around some more and he saw a man walking away from him. He decided to follow him since he seemed to know where he was going.
That wasn't true, however, because after two hours of walking, they were still lost. The man in front of Jack fell over and Jack did the same, thinking it was some kind of elaborate plan to keep warm. It wasn't. He was very cold now and he began hallucinating. He literally was a human popsicle. He saw a man in an orange suit ride over to him on a banana seat bicycle. The man promptly got off and began a dialogue with Jack.
"Hi, there. How are you?" The man said.
"C-C-Cold." Jack stuttered.
"Hmm, you know what you need? A nice whopping tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!"
"W-W-Why?"
"Well, it tastes just like butter, but it's actually not!"
"W-What is it?"
"It's margarine."
"What's that?"
"Well, I don't really know, but its definitely not butter."
"W-Why would I w-want it?"
"Because it's low in fat and not butter."
"I d-don't see w-w-why I would want butter."
"Margarine."
"Whatever."
Then Fabio walks over with his gleaming hair waving in the breeze. "Eat the butter. Butter good." He said. He sounded like a caveman.
"Margarine."
"Yes. Margarine is good. I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!"
"Then what is it?" Jack asked again.
"Umm, good stuff." Fabio said.
Then Fonzie from Happy Days comes over. "Eeeeyyyy!" He said while making the thumbs up sign on both hands.
"Hey, Fonzie."
"Eeeeyyyy!"
"Hey, Fonzie," the margarine man said, "Why do they put nutritional information on water bottles? I mean, I'm pretty stupid, but I think I know what's in water."
"Eeeeyyyy! Good question."
"Why do we have bottled water anyway? I mean, come on! I costs a friggin' dollar! For water! What is up with that?"
Then the three of them began to melt. From head to toe the slowly melted like Jacks beloved snowmen. And that was when Jack woke up. He was inside a hole of some sort, covered with this gooey bubbly stuff. Next to him was some guy with a rebel fleet jumpsuit on. Jack wiggled out of the hole and got up. He realized it wasn't a hole, it was some kind of creature. A very smelly creature at that. After a while, the man woke up and introduced himself as Woop Roop. They walked back to the base, which was surprisingly close. Jack and Woop looked around and noticed that everyone was gone. They had the whole place to themselves.
"Oh, yeah! It's just us guys in control of the whole base! Oh man, I can taste the power! Feel the control! Smell the leadership!" Woop said.
"I smell bacon!" Jack said enthusiastically.
And so Jack was stranded again, but at least he had a nice place to live, warmth and good food. He wished he hadn't had to sleep in a smelly monster instead of evacuating the base like everyone else did, but oh well, you get what you pay for. Now he only wishes to get away from that Woop guy. Lately he had been running around calling himself General Veers while doing backflips. He was a little nuts to say the least. Is this the end of Jack Mehoff? No, sir. It is only the beginning.