Clara paced around the circular console towards the screen, she turned a few dials to set the co-ordinates and then watched Ashildr leaning against the set of controls against the outside. Clara went to move the vortex manipulator but hovered her hand short of touching it, smiling cheekily at Ashildr.
"So... rule one of the TARDIS," she said facing away, looking back towards the screen, "is very simple and very important."
"And what is that?" Ashildr said flippantly, standing up straight and taking a few steps towards Clara away from the controls.
"If I move this lever," Clara smiled and pulled the switch down, holding onto the console. The entire room shook as if it was involved in an earthquake, the strobing lights in the middle shifted up and down. Ashildr was immediately thrown off balance and landed heavily on the floor, skidding and reaching the edge of the room near the large white circles due to the shuddering. Clara moved the lever up, smiling to herself, remembering the first time she travelled with the Doctor. "Make sure you hold on."
"I hope you packed that mug," Ashildr said through gritted teeth, standing up slowly, glaring at Clara with narrow eyes. She dusted Clara's jacket off as she stalked back towards the console, annoyed.
"What mug?"
"The one proclaiming you as the 'World's Best Teacher'-"
"Maybe..." Clara said.
"-so I can break it."
Clara screwed her eyes up and shook her head, playfully annoyed.
"Have we arrived?" Ashildr asked, brushing a patch of dust off her left thigh.
"Yes," Clara answered whilst picking up the Doctor's battered guidebook for 4021 from the console. She flipped through the pages until she found what she was looking for, a place called Tricadiamercato, on the bottom right on page 546. "We should be..." she paused to look at the screen, "Tuesday... 2nd March... 10.21am at the..." she tried to pronounce the word she was reading, "Trick-adi-am-er-catto." Clara moved the book sideways before holding it towards Ashildr, pointing with her finger, "how would you pronounce that?"
"Aren't you the English teacher?" Ashildr said as an aside before reading. "I'd say Tricka-di-merry-carto?"
"No, you're adding an extra letter, it's got to be Try-caddy-am-er-catto," pulling the book towards her, putting her finger below the word. "Whatever it is, it sounds like a Mexican holiday resort."
Ashildr read over Clara's shoulder. "Or maybe Trick-a-dee-a-mercarto?" she shrugged her shoulders.
"It's apparently the world's first man-made shopping planet," said Clara, reading briefly from the guidebook before putting it down. "Interesting, is that the next stage on from out-of-town shopping... out-of-planet shopping? The Doctor makes this look so much easier," said Clara, sighing. She put her hand through her hair, feeling it matted. "I need to sort this out, shame the regeneration doesn't do hair and makeup."
Clara made her way towards the shallow ramp down to the inner rooms of the TARDIS. She stopped still as a black-and-white fuzz completely covered her vision. She instinctively stepped backwards to see a blurry image of herself covered in television style white noise. It made a mechanical crackling sound as it came into focus.
"What the hell-" Clara stuttered, "is this?"
"What's the matter?" said Ashildr, bumping into the back of Clara as she stopped.
"Are you seeing this, Me?" asked Clara, pointing at the wall behind the ramp. It was an image of her wearing what appeared at first glance to be a flight attendant style outfit. The image blurred again before coming into full, clear focus. Holographic Clara was wearing a crisp white shirt, red neck scarf, a navy fitted suit jacket with matching knee length pencil skirt and black stiletto heels. Her hair was tied to one side, immaculately styled. She smiled in a way you would expect someone dressed like this to, almost forced happiness, hands crossed in front of her.
"No... seeing what? What can you see?" Ashildr moved around in front of her, passing straight through the hologram. It engulfed her like a curtain of a projected image.
"Hello and welcome to this Entry Grade TARDIS," Holographic Clara said, head slightly titled to one side. The body of the image stayed stock still, only the facial features moved as she spoke. "This is the TARDIS Voice Visual Interface. I am programmed to select the image of a person you esteem. Of several billion such images in my databanks, this one best meets the criterion." There was the smallest hint of a smile passing the hologram's lips.
"Really? Oh come on! Even this TARDIS is doing that too!" Clara sighed. "I just cannot seem to escape seeing myself in the third person, can I?" She had seen this before, when she visited Caliburn House and she rescued the Doctor from the pocket universe.
"What's happening?" said Ashildr, still looking around unable to see what Clara could. She again passed through the image unwittingly as she stood the other side of Clara. The hologram fuzzed at the edges occasionally, intermittently covered in a haze which skipped the image sideways.
"I have taken the form which-" Hologram Clara continued, tilting her head to the other side.
"Yes, I know, I know, you've taken the form which I find the most comfortable, blah, blah, blah," Clara spoke over the holograph.
"-and we have to go through a basic set up procedure."
"Apparently I need to go through an introduction to the TARDIS," said Clara, annoyed. She had the distinct feeling this would be like one of those safety demonstrations on an airplane for her. "Go on then," she said.
"The emergency exit is behind you," Hologram Clara smiled and pointed with an open hand to the main console door that lead out to the diner. Ashildr had lost interest, and was amusing herself inspecting some of the controls and flashing lights.
Clara looked round behind her, rolling her eyes. "Well, obviously, that's the only door."
"Please state your name for voice identification purposes," the head tilted left again, arms returned back in front, only the lips and eyes moving. Clara found it oddly disconcerting.
"Seriously, do we really have to do this?" replied Clara impatiently, putting her hands on her hips.
"Thank you, seriously do we really have to do this," Hologram Clara mimicked her, "is this correct or would you like to change your voice print?" She felt as if her own hologram was making fun of her.
Clara breathed in and out loudly, trying to control her temper. "I would like to change please." This process reminded her of the last time she paid her electricity bill.
"Please state your name for voice identification purposes," the hologram repeated. Clara was sure she caught sight of a sarcastic smile, as if she was goading her.
"Clara Oswald," she managed, with screwed up eyes.
"Thank you, Clara Oswald, is this correct or would you like to change your voice print?"
"Yes," Clara said through gritted teeth.
"Thank you, how would you like to be known? As Clara, Clara Oswald or by some other name?"
"What's going on?" Ashildr called from behind, moving to stand next to her, still confused as to why Clara was talking at a corridor.
"Shh," said Clara, putting a hand out to silence her. "So I can choose a nickname?" Clara raised an eyebrow.
"I will call you by whatever you wish. Maybe a childhood nickname, pet name or similar?" The Hologram smiled and then the image froze, moving only to blink.
Clara thought for a second. "Hmmm, I need something like 'The Doctor' but not," she said quietly to herself. "Can this be changed in the future?" she asked the hologram.
"It is possible to change this setting."
"Let me think for a couple of minutes." Clara turned to talk to Ashildr. "It's asking me what I want to be known as," she paused, contemplating. "Does 'The Boss' sound a little, I don't know, mafia-y?" Clara smiled.
"A little, I would say, big headed," Ashildr said, looking offended, "and who made you the boss?"
"How about 'Ma'am'?" Clara thought out loud, "No, that's what the soldiers called Bonnie. I'm not a queen, although thinking about it, I did almost become an empress to a thousand galaxies once." She half smiled.
Ashildr creased up her eyebrows, "Really?"
"Yep, but I said no... " she moved away, "I do stuff like that."
"What about 'Miss'?" Ashildr volunteered.
"Oh god no," Clara shook her head, "that's what the kids call me at school, if I never hear that word again it will be too soon. Bit too similar to Missy as well."
"How about 'Lady Clara'?" Ashildr offered.
Clara laughed out loud. "Then we would be Lady Clara and Lady Me," she regained her composure, "sounds like two Victorian call-girls. No, thank you."
"Could you not just stick with Clara for now?"
"I suppose," she said half-heartedly. "But I want a nickname, something like 'The Doctor', or 'The Master' but a bit more feminine, something that sounds intelligent, but modest, a tiny bit sexy, that doesn't sound like a prostitute, or a stripper... or a mafia boss..." she paused, "or a drug dealer."
"Let me know how you get on with that," said Ashildr sarcastically, letting out a small laugh.
"Hello TARDIS, for now you can call me Clara," she paused before saying, "and none of this whole Impossible Girl stuff anymore either, I'm like twenty-nine now, kind of getting a bit old for that, you know."
"Hello Clara," the hologram smiled widely at her. "The basic interface is now completed. Will you be travelling with any companions?"