Got your claws in my skin

and it doesn't make sense

but I love it when I feel the pain

Got your teeth sinkin' in

what I'm fighting against

the part of me that loves the rain

There's a demon in me

telling me to believe that you and I are everything

There's an angel beside

saying things just ain't right

but I'm no good at listening

Arty feat. Angel Taylor, "Up all Night."

Shepard twisted a piece of her hair idly between her fingers, her chin resting on her other hand at the table. When did I first start to love him, she pondered. When did admiration and respect change to something more? I mean, sure, I've always liked him, but thinking back, just when did that deepen? She often indulged in these mental musings to help sate herself when her attentions to him were ignored, which was pretty much all the time. Garrus looked up across the mess hall and looked back at her, smiling. Damn, he caught her staring at him.

"Hey, Garrus, how about not taking forever with that coffee?"

"You know Shepard, I'm not here just to serve you. I keep that for the battlefield when I save you, you know, pretty much on a daily basis."

Shepard smiled, shaking her head. He brought her a cup of coffee and sat across from her, drinking his own cup of dextro-brew. They sat and drank for a few moments with other members of the crew talking at the adjoining table. Kelly came in the mess and sat down close to Garrus. A little too close. Shepard's eyes narrowed to slits involuntarily. She knew Kelly was attracted to him, although he didn't seem to return her feelings. Well, shit, he didn't seem to return hers either. Kelly started talking about the most recent mission to Pragia, and the aftermath of Miranda and Jack's blowout fight.

"Wish I'd been there to see it, Shepard." Garrus said laughing.

Kelly frowned, "It could have gone very badly if you hadn't been able to talk Jack down." She looked at Garrus and brushed against his arm.

Shepard cleared her throat loudly, "Yea, well, I knew Jack wouldn't take a chance on damaging the ship that she plans to go rogue pirate in."

Kelly's eyes went wide and Garrus laughed again. Oh, how she loved to make him laugh.

"Gotta go Shepard. Calibrations, you know." Garrus smiled and stood up and walked towards the main battery. Shepard sighed.

"You okay Shepard?" Kelly asked, "You know I'm here if you ever need to talk." Kelly tilted her head to look at her, as if trying to psychoanalyze her.

She's the last person I'd go talk to about anything, Shepard thought. "No, just thinking about all the work I have to do. I should go." Shepard took her coffee and went towards the elevator. Pushing the button for her quarters, she leaned against the back wall as the doors closed. Shepard shut her eyes. How can I keep going on like this, she thought. For him to be so close, and be so hyper-aware of his presence whenever he was in the room. It was like her skin sensed him and alerted her with a prickling sensation to let her know he was around. It made her self-conscious to every movement, every word she said so she would not betray her strong yearning for something more between them. At least he was still her best friend, she consoled herself. No one was closer to him than she was. That would have to be enough. She wouldn't risk ruining their friendship with an attempt at a relationship.

She opened the door to her quarters and sat down at her desk, sifting through reports on her datapad. She was drinking cold coffee 2 hours later when she finally stopped to get ready for bed. Shower first, she thought. Hot showers seemed to help. Wasn't it supposed to be cold showers? She smiled to herself. Stepping out of her uniform, she turned on the hot water until the steam built up around her. Shepard leaned back into the spray, letting her long black hair take the weight of the water and lay heavy down on her back. She reached for her soap, a spicy strawberry aroma filled her senses. A rare girly indulgence she allowed herself, and she reveled in it.

Drying herself off, she looked at her naked body in the mirror. Cerberus improvements aside, she still hated to see the scars and glowing lines on her body. She missed her battle scars, and these new ones were unwelcome. They reminded her she is now part machine. She shivered, not from the cold, but the unwelcome thoughts pushing up that she was Frankenstein – a put together creation, a monster. That's probably why Garrus has no interest in me, she mused. Ugh, she hated these times, the in-between times of battle and work, where her mind would wander to her thoughts and feelings. Shepard dressed in her nightshirt and shorts and went to bed. Closing her eyes for what she hoped would be a dreamless night.

She was walking though the Citadel, endlessly walking and looking for – what was she looking for? The mission, she was on a mission, but she couldn't remember what it was…

"Shepard!"

It was Anderson. She quickly ran over and tried to ask him where they were heading when a deafening sound and looming shadow came over her head. Looking up, she saw a Batarian ship. Suddenly she was back on Mindoir, Batarians were everywhere attacking children, adults, putting them in cages. Gnashing her teeth, she brought up her omni-blade and charged, but her feet moved slowly, too slowly like she was running through water. She couldn't get to them- and suddenly they were all on the ship and it was taking off and away. She fell to the ground, gasping as she was left alone on the planet, useless and defeated.

Shepard sat up fast with a short scream. Damn, not that nightmare again. She put her face in her hands. To live it once was bad enough, for her brain to continue to torture her by reliving it in different incarnations was inhumane. She reached her hand down rubbing her jaw – it was sore. She had probably been gritting her teeth in her sleep. I'll go to Mordin tomorrow, she thought, see if he can give me something to help me sleep. Chakwas refused to give her any more sleeping aids, stating something about too much narcotics. They didn't help anyway. Maybe Mordin had a different idea. She needed something to help her get a decent night's sleep.

The next morning the door opened and Shepard walked into Mordin's lab. "Hey Mordin, have you got a minute to talk?"

"Yes… wanted to talk, medical matters." Shepard braced herself, Great, another lecture about the dangers of high doses of narcotic sleeping aids.

"Aware mission is dangerous, different species use…different methods to work out stress, sexual activity useful, but must be careful-"

"Wait, What?" Shepard's mouth dropped, this was NOT what she expected to hear.

"-warn of chafing," Mordin didn't skip a beat, "however Cerberus improvements indicate no risk of allergic reaction."

Shepard was dumbfounded. "Mordin, what are you talking about? I came in to ask if you had anything to help me sleep, like pills or something stronger than Chakwas would give me."

Mordin continued, entering data in his omnitool as if she had never spoken, "Turian – human relations rare, little research available, however have forwarded some informational vids to your datapad on comfortable positions, precautions. Can supply oils and lotion to-"

OK, that was enough. Shepard grabbed his arm, "Mordin, you have to stop – what the hell are you talking about?"

"You and Garrus – aware of intense attraction, did research. Proactive approach best."

Shepard's usually pale skin started to turn an intense shade of pink. "Mordin, what makes you think –"

"Signs obvious to a trained scientist," Mordin scoffed, "increased heart rate, respirations, dilation of pupils, body language. Are my assertions incorrect?"

Shepard swallowed hard. She knew she was found out, and in a most embarrassing way. "Well, um, I.." She stammered. She didn't think it was possible to blush any more furiously, but the heat in her face was intense. She was frustrated at how her body continued to betray her. Mordin gave her a knowing look. "Okay, I am attracted to him, but he has no interest in me, not in that way, so nothing is happening between us, uh - sexually I mean."

"Hmm. Better to be prepared just the same. Information already sent, you can peruse it just in case."

Shepard hated looking like a lovesick teenager, but pushed her discomfort aside to ask, "Um, Mordin, are you saying that you've noticed Garrus…"

"No, no. Turian facial expressions harder to read. Assumed based on your reactions. May have made mistake- No, no, not mistake, inadequate data to support position, at any rate, cannot prescribe any sleeping aids. Cerberus implants create problematic reactions to alternative medications. Must default to Chakwas' recommendations. Is there anything else I can do for you Shepard?"

"Um, nothing, except not to repeat any part of this conversation to anyone."

"Agreed. Confidentiality assured Shepard. Happy to help anytime." He nodded and handed her a bottle of lotion.

Shepard grabbed the lotion and left the lab. She stopped in hallway to the conference room to process their conversation. God, that had to be her most embarrassing moment on the Normandy. Hopefully it would be her last. What was that he said? Sending vids and informational brochures? Jesus, Shepard shook her head. What next. She had to be more careful, if Joker ever caught wind of it, you might was well broadcast it over the com.