NOTE- THIS IS JUST FOR FUN. ANY RELATION TO ACTUAL PEOPLE IS COMPLETELY COINCIDENTAL. This is not refined in any way, so certain events may not make sense. Certain characters may be randomly dropped. I may just drop this after 1 chapter. Who knows?

DISCLAIMER- DO NOT RIDE DONKEYS WITHOUT A LARGE PIANO

"AND STAY OUT!"

The door was slammed abruptly in Harry Potter's face.

He blinked.

This was hardly new. His uncle regularly threw him out of the house, maybe once or twice a week. He would just spend the night outside, then slip inside the next morning to make breakfast. They usually left a window or door open somewhere. At one point, he had to climb in through a second story window.

But we digress.

Potter ambled in the general direction of the school- sometimes a sympathetic parent would take pity on him, and toss a few coins for candy or something. Maybe he could beg something off a beggar. Once, he had actually managed to get a small meal out of the change, drink and all!

._-/(0)\-_.

Isabella Harrison was silently sitting on a swing, contemplating life, the universe, and everything. Or, at least, that's what her mum used to say whenever she went quiet for extended periods of time. She noticed a little kid, ambling doggedly in the general direction of the school.

She dropped out of the swing and walked up to the kid. Bloody hell, he was small. Unhealthily so. Not that she was one to say anything.

"What are you doing at this time of night kid?"

The kid did a double take.

"Errr… hiking?"

Well, points for creativity.

"Nice try. How old are you anyways?"

"Ten."

Damn, she miscalculated. He was older than his body indicated. He looked like a bloody 7 year old. Ah well. At least he was only a year younger than her. She was terrible with small children.

"And why are you out here?"

"Like I said, hiking."

His little (damnit, he's not that young) face glared defiantly up at her.

"Let's try this again. Hi! I'm Izzy! What's your name?"

"...Harry. Harry Potter."

"And what the hell are you doing out here at bloody 12 in the morning?"

He glanced up from staring at his shoes and responded,

"What are you doing?"

Which was… actually a fair question.

"My dad kicked me out for the night. Brought out the booze, you know how it goes."

She actually surprised herself about how open she was.

The kid seemed taken aback. Then, he grinned a little.

"Yeah… I really do"

He smiled sadly.

Well, I guess that solves that,

She thought blandly.

"Well, we could bond over our mutually horrid father figures?"

The kid- wait- no- Harry grinned slightly at the bluntness.

"Why not?"

._-/(0)\-_.

6 months later

"Jeez Harry, what took so long? Did you have to eat a pig?"

"Nope, just had to feed one."

They both smirked at that, Dudley's eating tendencies was a rich vein of conversation for them.

"Aww… Ickle Harrikins have to feed his little pets in the morning?"

"I'm not even that much younger than you!"

"Yeah, but you're smaller, and that's all that really counts."

At some point, at school, Harry began hanging around Izzy. When Dudley and his gang came around, Dudley appeared to check her up and down with an appraising eye, and whistled appreciatively. He ended up in the hospital with a bruised jugular and testicles for 3 days. Being too embarrassed to admit to having his ass handed to him by a girl he claimed to have fallen down some stairs. Repeatedly. The gang left them more or less alone after that.

"Anyways, how's the orca, his mate, and the imbecile?"

She had insisted on nicknaming them as such.

"Meh. Orca is turning red a lot, he's probably going to have a heart attack at some point. Anyways, how's UAI?"

Izzy winced. At some point, she had called her father "Ultimate Asshole Incarnate", and Harry latched onto it with a vengeance.

"Still there, still dead drunk."

As they walked off to school, Harry witnessed what appeared to be an owl of all things dive-bombing his front porch, dropping a letter with it.

"Hey, let me grab something real quick."

"Oi, grabbing the Orca's mail willingly now? You're getting soft."

"Oh shut up."

He checked the address.

Harry Potter

#4 Privet Drive

Cupboard under the stairs

Little Whinging,

Surrey

Izzy looked over his shoulder and laughed.

"Damn, that's creepy. Almost stalkerish. You think someone's watching you sleep?"

Harry had absolutely no idea how to reply to that, considering how true that statement was. He opened up the letter.

HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore

(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,

Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)

Dear Mr. Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.

Term begins on 1 September. We await your owl by no later than 31 July.

Yours sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall

Deputy Headmistress

The kids took one look at the letter, than at each other, and burst out laughing.

._-/(0)\-_.

Severus Snape was seething as he was forced to go check up on the Potter brat. Repeated letters received no response. The boy was obviously arrogant enough to force a professor to come to him, the little fucker.

He broke down the door to #4 Privet Drive.

"Alright, where is the Potter brat? In the master bedroom? In his spa?"

All the reply he got was a shocked whimper out of some sort of pig-boy hybrid on the couch, eating what appeared to be a bowl of caramel syrup. Obviously, this was some sort of failed transfiguration, so he absently changed the boy into a full pig.

"DUDDERS!"

Well, shit.

._-/(0)\-_.

An hour of hassle later, he went out to find the boy "with good riddance." He was apparently with "some blonde-haired whore" and "was a danger to everyone around him."

Harry Potter was obviously a carbon copy of his father.

._-/(0)\-_.

Harry was sitting at a park, reading over the "Hogwarts" letter again, snickering. Who in their right mind named poor kid "Albus"? With the last name "Dumbledore", no less.

Izzy motioned for him to move over, honestly, this cult was hilarious.

Suddenly, a greasy haired man appeared in the playground with a crack.

"Harry Potter, it is time for you to come with-"

CRACK

A stone sailed in the air, and found its place on Snape's forehead. The man's eyes crossed, glazed over, and he collapsed.

Harry turned to look at Izzy.

"What? He startled me."

Next time, The wizarding world believes an incredibly powerful wizard obliviated Snape, Harry is convinced to go to Hogwarts, and other weird shit goes down.