Tori kissed my boyfriend, and he didn't even hesitate in kissing her back. Tori stole my best friends, one by one until they had all pretty much forgotten me. She stole my only few real friends, she stole my spotlight, she's well on her way to stealing the man I love. Tori Vega stole everything I cared about and no one faults her for it.
Maybe my reaction at finding out I hadn't gotten the lead wasn't very mature, but come on. Ever since she came to Hollywood Arts I've been second best, and being told that I was her understudy was just the last straw. I crossed the line, but who was there to call her out when she crossed the line? When she turned my friends against me and flirted with my boyfriend, did anyone call her names? Did anyone glare at her? Did anyone even care that she was hurting me a million times worse than I'd ever hurt her? That would be a big NO!
Every second spent watching everyone fawn over her makes me nauseous, but I can't just completely let go. Beck, Andre, Robbie and Cat are the only people that have ever really cared about me, and no matter how hard I try I can't just turn my back on that. Watching them slowly slip away is ridiculously painful, but I'll cling to whatever semblance of love I can get for as long as I can.
Every time Beck gets mad at me over her I want to scream or cry or… do something to make him see. He says he loves me, but doesn't bother to look past the almost transparent surface. Maybe he does see, and he just doesn't care. When I burned my hand on Sikowitz' stove and he stayed with her, it hurt much worse than any burn. There was a time when he would've forgotten about the acting exercise completely and rushed me to the hospital. There was a time when he gave a damn about me.
It's not hard to see where their loyalties lie. If I were gone would anyone even notice? Would Beck cry, or would he just make out with Tori? Would Cat miss me, or would she be too busy hanging out with Tori to care? If I died would they come to my funeral? Would anyone? Does anyone care what happens to me, even just a little bit?
Sometimes, after Beck and I have fight and Cat ditches me for her, I think about ending it. I'm tempted to take a knife from my kitchen and slit my wrists, or maybe something less messy like a car accident. I won't do it, I don't think I could, but I think about it with an increasing frequency as the days pass and everyone becomes even more infatuated with Tori.
This ache in my chest just won't go away. It never even fades; it's just a constant pain that no one notices I feel. No one notices, no one sees, no one cares.
I don't know if being forgotten is the worst feeling in the world, but if it isn't than I can't imagine what could be.
Tonight, I'll sob into my pillow until I can't breathe and I'll fall into sleep. Tomorrow I'll scream and cry and beg for attention that I won't get, and my heart will break just a little bit more. I'll do it over and over again until there isn't anything left to ignore.