Disclaimer: I do not own Alias, please do not sue me.

Summary: Some thoughts of Vaugn's in between the second and third seasons when Sydney was missing and presumed dead.

Shattered Lives

She can't be gone.

We've faced bigger challenges before.

What's this compared to what we've already faced and conquered?

We've defied Sloan, Jack, protocol, and the whirlwind commonly known as life.

What's death to all of that?

No, I can't think that way.

If I accept she's dead I'll be acknowledging that she's gone and that I've given up on us. It'll mean I've given up on ever seeing her smile again, or seeing how her eyes sparkle. It means admitting to myself that we will never have the things I always imagined the two of us would have some day when we had escaped the life of a CIA agent.

Accepting she's gone and never coming home will be admitting that we've been beaten, that everything we've been though was for nothing.

Why Syd?

Why did you leave me here?

Why did you have to go the one place I can't follow you?

I still look for you when I come into a room, I still expect to hear your voice, your laughter at some pathetic joke.

I'll never see you again, never hear you again, never be able to hold you again.

Why?

Why did this happen to us?

We could have been happy together, I know we could have.

We'll never have that picket fence and 2.5 children that every average American supposedly has.

I'll never hold her in my arms again, never steal glances from across a crowded room.

I'll never hear her say my name, or laugh at some pathetic joke, or any of the other little things that remind me of why I fell for her in the first place.

I'll never see her walk down the aisle towards me in that beautiful white dress.

I need to get away from this place.

Everything here reminds me of her.

Everything I see holds a memory of her.

I can't do this anymore.

I can't pretend everything is alright.

I feel like screaming at those who act like nothing in life has changed, although for those people it probably seems that way.

They will never know that the most incredible person I have ever met was so unceremoniously snatched from my life.

Eric doesn't understand, he tries but he fails.

He lost a friend; I lost the love of my life.

I'm so sorry Syd.

I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me the most.

I'm sorry I can't go on like this.

You're gone and I have to move on.

If I don't move on I'll end up killing myself because right now I can't function without you in my life.

I love you Syd, you are the only one I ever felt this way about.

What we had was beyond love, we were a part of each other.

When you died, part of me died with you and the rest is just waiting for my own end.

I need to move on, move past the impact you've had on me.

I will always love you, but now I need to do what's necessary for me.

I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough, that I wasn't the person you needed me to be.

I love you.

I miss you.

Good bye Syd. I know that you're watching over me and will be waiting for me when it's my time.