Originally written June 1999
Title: Interludes from "Seventeen"
Rating: M
Summary: A series of interludes that take place during Amanda's story "Seventeen." AU because I missed a few parts of "Seventeen," and there are a few discrepancies. P/T.
A/N: Thanks to Amanda, Riss, and Julie for beta reading. Thanks to Julie and Riss for relaying messages, and to Amanda for permitting me to write this story. :)
Part 1 The Kindness of Strangers
"After all, a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet."
The kindness of strangers, Tom thought to himself.
He sighed. Everyone was so nice to him – they treated him like an old friend. Which he was, he supposed, but he didn't have any memory of it. These people were like complete strangers to him.
He was touched by their kindness, but he still felt like he didn't belong. He didn't know who he was, who he was supposed to be, and no one seemed willing to tell him. The loneliness was unbearable sometimes.
It was even worse when he went to the Mss Hall to have lunch with Harry and B'Elanna. He pretended not to notice that they stopped talking when he came within earshot. But he noticed.
"Hi, Tom."
"Hi, Harry, B'Elanna."
Maybe they want to be alone, he thought anxiously.
No one had mentioned anything, but he was starting to suspect that those two were romantically involved with each other. Or at least romantically interested.
It made sense. They spent a lot of time together, and they were always having secretive conversations. It was obvious that they cared a lot about each other. The other day, he had overheard B'Elanna say that she didn't know what she would do without Harry, that he was her rock, her fountain of strength. She always turned to him for moral support.
And why wouldn't she? he thought, watching the two of them together. Harry was a terrific guy – mature, dependable, good-looking, charming, kind, diplomatic, understanding... There was no reason why B'Elanna shouldn't go out with him if that was what she wanted. They deserved to be happy together.
Unfortunately, Tom was incredibly attracted to B'Elanna. She was so beautiful, smart and sexy. Passionate and alive.
His heart ached, filled with longing.
She was way out of his league. There was no way that she would ever be interested in him, not when she could have someone like Harry.
After all, what did he have to offer her? He was only a seventeen-year-old kid, just starting out at the Academy. At least, in his mind, that's what he was. I may be trapped in an older body, but I'm still seventeen.
That made her much older than him, practically twice his age. She was much more mature and experienced. A woman like that wouldn't look twice at him.
He wouldn't know how to approach her, anyway. He didn't have that much experience with dating and relationships. Certainly not the kind of experience she had. She would never take him seriously. Not when she could have her pick of men her age who could understand her, relate to her, and had far more in common with her.
What should I do? He couldn't talk to them about this, obviously, and he didn't feel close enough to anyone else to bring it up. In addition, he felt guilty about it, since Harry was like a big brother to him, and B'Elanna...
He tried to turn his attention back to the conversation. Harry was saying something, and B'Elanna was laughing.
Of course she's better off with Harry... But it made him jealous, not only of the closeness they shared, but also that it excluded him.
What have I gotten myself into? Tom asked himself later that afternoon as he stared at the bat'leth in his hands, awed and intimidated at the same time. He and B'Elanna were standing outside Holodeck Two. "Klingon martial arts?"
"Yep." She entered the necessary commands, and they stepped onto the holodeck.
"Wow. Did you design all this?"
"Actually, this is your program."
"My program?"
"Yeah."
"Wow..."
She smiled at his youthful enthusiasm. It was charming.
"Let's warm up."
"Okay." He followed her lead through a series of exercises, awkwardly wielding the bat'leth. I hope I'm doing this right.
Sensing his discomfort, she suggested, "Maybe we should practice without the bat'leths first."
"Sounds good." He gingerly set down the bat'leth off to the side. "Can we go over some of the basics before we start battling holographic monsters?"
"Of course."
Squaring off, the two of them faced each other and prepared for combat.
Before he knew what was happening, Tom found himself on the floor, the wind knocked out of him. Somewhat dazed, he shook his head to clear it. Wow, she's strong.
"You'll have to teach me that move."
"Sure."
For the next few hours, they continued to practice. He was getting the hang of it, she could tell.
The next time she pounced on him, he flipped her over, pinning her down triumphantly. In a moment that seemed to last an eternity, they stared into each other's eyes. Their hearts pounding, their breathing shallow...
He bent down and kissed her.
In that instant, she forgot about everything. All the anxiety, worry and stress of the past few weeks simply melted away.
The kiss became ravenous.
For B'Elanna, it was as though nothing had changed. The familiar sensation of his weight fully on top of her made her dizzy with desire.
How many times had they had made love after a workout session in this program? Too many to count...
Suddenly, he pulled away, overcome with guilt. "B'Elanna..."
The spell was broken.
Flustered, B'Elanna got up. "I have to go. I'll see you later." She left the holodeck, mumbling a hasty excuse. What was I thinking? I shouldn't have picked this program, she berated herself. She had selected this particular program because it was one of his favorites and she'd been hoping that it'd jog his memory... but it held too many memories for her. It was too easy to get carried away. Too dangerous.
The last time they had been there together, it had gotten particularly intense. After battling holographic monsters and enemies, the adrenaline was pumping...
It usually become very heated and ... Klingon... after such a session. Tearing off each other's clothes, wrestling each other to the ground in a frenzy of passion...
B'Elanna closed her eyes, remembering the intensity of the passion that flared between them. She felt as though her body were on fire.
She had been so close to forgetting that it couldn't be like that anymore. But she couldn't let herself lose control. It would be bad for Tom, and that was the last thing she wanted.
She loved him so much. She would never do anything to hurt him..
Even if it meant giving him up and pretending that they were just friends. It broke her heart, but ...
She could deal with this. She had to. It just took all her willpower and was incredibly draining, stressful and frustrating.
Which was why she kept turning to Harry for support...
Tom had also left the holodeck and headed back to his quarters, filled with guilt. What have I done?
The attraction between them was incredible, but judging from her reaction, that kiss shouldn't have happened. But what a kiss.
He had never shared a kiss like that before with anyone. Even now, his heart was still beating double-time. He could still feel the heat of her beneath him. He wanted her so much... but it was wrong. And not only because she was his best friend's girlfriend.
His thoughts were interrupted as the door chimed. Who could that be? He wasn't expecting anyone.
"Come in."
The door opened, revealing Harry.
Tom panicked. Oh, no... he thought with dread.
"Hi, Tom. How's it going?"
"Um... okay, I guess."
"How was your afternoon on the holodeck with B'Elanna? Did you have a good time?"
"Uh, yeah."
Sensing something amiss, Harry asked, "Are you okay, Tom?"
His guilty conscience was too much for him. "No, not really."
"What's wrong?"
"I... I did something terrible."
"I'm sure it's nothing that can't be fixed. Come on, tell me what the problem is."
"I can't," Tom said guiltily.
"Tom. This is Harry you're talking to, remember? Your best friend? You can tell me anything."
"Well... B'Elanna and I were practicing Klingon martial arts on the holodeck..."
"Sounds like fun."
"It was... until..."
"Uh-oh... What happened?"
"I – um... well... I don't really know how to tell you this, but..."
"Did you two have a fight?"
"No, no. Not really. I mean, uh... "
"What?"
"I... I kissed her."
"You kissed her?"
"I'm sorry, Harry, I really am... It won't happen again, I promise."
Those words took a minute to register, since they hadn't been what Harry had been expecting to hear.
"I wouldn't blame you if you hated me... I'm so sorry..."
Harry was stunned and somewhat confused by how contrite he sounded. "Why would I hate you? And why are you apologizing to me for kissing B'Elanna?"
"You're okay with that?" Tom asked incredulously.
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"Let me get this straight. You're not the slightest bit upset that I kissed your girlfriend?"
"My girlfriend?" Harry asked in shock.
"Aren't you and B'Elanna...?"
"Me and B'Elanna? What gave you that idea?"
"You're not going out with B'Elanna?"
"No, of course not!"
"Oh." Tom digested this information. "I'm sorry. I just thought... well... the two of you spend a lot of time together, and you seem so close... "
"We're close friends, but that's it. Friends."
"... and the two of you stop talking whenever I come near you..."
Oh, no. Harry shook his head guiltily. They'd thought they'd been concealing it so well, but Tom had noticed.
A terrible thought suddenly occurred to him. "Did you mention any of this to B'Elanna?"
"No..."
"Well, don't! It would upset her."
Tom was mystified as to why B'Elanna would be upset by this, but he didn't ask. He was just immensely relieved that Harry wasn't mad at him... and jubilant that Harry and B'Elanna weren't a couple. He knew he had no right to feel that way, but it bothered him to think of her with anyone else. The jealousy had been overwhelming.
Bewildered, Tom shook his head. After Harry had left, he had decided to clean up his quarters, in hopes that it might bring back some memories.
So far, he wasn't having any luck. He found little that he recognized, and most of the items strewn around his quarters didn't seem that personally significant. Except for maybe a few things that didn't look like they belonged to him...
Clues, he thought triumphantly. They might be able to restrict his access to his personal logs and files, but they couldn't hide what was already in his quarters.
He couldn't understand why everyone was being so mysterious about his past, anyway. It couldn't be that bad, could it?
He collected a few more stray objects from his bedroom he was certain weren't his. No, these items definitely belonged to someone female.
But who?
Tom thought hard for a moment. Harry's words had started the wheels turning in his head...
Did he dare to hope?
He did.
Resolved to get some answers, he left his quarters.
Moments later, he was standing outside her door, waiting impatiently for her to answer. Come on...
He rang the doorchime again. Still no answer. Now what?
Tom stared at the doors, willing them to open. But of course, they didn't.
Sighing, his gaze turned to the access control panel. For some strange reason, he had the urge to enter an access code.
Almost in a trance, he tapped in a sequence of numbers... the access code.
The doors opened, much to his surprise.
He caught sight of her in her bedroom. She was holding a picture frame, staring at it with such sadness, completely lost in thought when he walked in, that she didn't even hear him come in.
He cleared his throat to get her attention.
B'Elanna finally looked up, clearly startled to see him. "Tom..." She hurriedly cleared the image and placed the picture frame face down on the nightstand.
"Hi, B'Elanna."
"How did you get in?"
"I... I'm not sure." He looked a little confused. "I was standing outside your door and... when you didn't answer, I automatically entered the access code... Somehow, I knew it would work."
"Oh." He remembers it, she thought with a spark of hope. At some subconscious level.
"I'm sorry..." he apologized. "But you weren't answering..."
"It's all right. I wasn't listening for the door... I was just... thinking." She smiled at him sadly.
"About what?"
"Oh... nothing important. I should be getting some work done instead," she said briskly as she went to the other room to retrieve some data PADDs.
Tom lingered for a moment, quickly picking up the frame she had just set down and re-activating it. He stared as the image appeared. It was a picture he recognized. He had one just like it in his quarters. No, it wasn't quite exactly like that one. This one was more of a candid shot than the other, which was more of a posed portrait. But it had been taken at the same event, at the last luau. B'Elanna had flowers in her hair, and they were standing together, arms around each other, smiling happily. Everything about the picture radiated joy and intimacy.
At that moment, she returned.
They stared at each other.
"B'Elanna... is there something you're not telling me?"
"Like what?"
"Oh, I don't know... Like why I know your access codes?"
She shrugged. "We're friends," she said evasively.
"Friends?"
"Of course. You're one of my closest friends..."
"And we've never been anything more than friends?"
"We've always been good friends, Tom." She was avoiding the question, and he knew it.
"Okay…" All this didn't add up, and it frustrated him to no end. But it was evident that he wasn't going to be able to get any more information out of her, so he'd have to think of another way to test his theory. He decided to change the subject.
"B'Elanna."
"Yes?"
"I'm sorry about what happened on the holodeck."
She grimaced. Clearly, that was also a sensitive subject. "Don't be," she said briskly, turning away to study her data PADD.
"Okay." He decided to change the subject to something safer. "What are you working on?"
"Oh, not much..." But then she launched into a fairly technical explanation of her latest Engineering project.
He noticed that she didn't talk down to him the way some people did. Captain Janeway was so maternal, and the Doctor was even worse. They treated him like a child, monitoring his every move, his every mood. He was sick and tired of everyone fussing over him all the time.
B'Elanna was protective of him, but she still treated him like an adult. He appreciated that.
There was so much that he wanted to ask her but couldn't. She wouldn't answer any direct questions about his past. Still, he could learn quite a bit by spending time with her in a private setting. She was more likely to reveal information that way. In addition, he thoroughly enjoyed her company and wanted to spend time with her. Maybe over dinner or something...
"Tom? Is something wrong?"
His reverie was interrupted as he realized that she was looking at him, concerned.
"No. I was just thinking..."
"About what?"
Uh-oh. How was he supposed to answer that?
"Uh..."
She was still looking at him expectantly.
Might as well tell her the truth. After all, the worst that could happen was that she'd say no.
He took a deep breath, then went ahead with it. "I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner with me."
She smiled, clearly relieved that that was all. "Sure."
"Great! Your place or mine?"
Taken aback, she stared at him, wide-eyed. "I think it'd be better if we went to the Mess Hall. I'm running low on replicator rations."
He shook his head, refusing to be deterred. "I've got plenty of rations. Enough for both of us."
"I don't know..."
"Please?"
Sighing, she relented, even though it was against her better judgment. "All right. We'll eat here."
She set aside the data PADDs while he replicated dinner, a full-course Italian meal.
She had to admit that this was a lot more relaxing than eating in the Mess Hall, where they were sure to encounter people who were overly curious about or uncomfortable with Tom's current condition. For a little while, at least, the two of them could forget about the rest of the world.
They talked about nothing in particular, but it made them happy nonetheless.
She was letting her guard down, he noted. They were so comfortable and content just being with each other that everything else seemed unimportant.
It feels so right when we're together, he mused. As though we were meant to be together, and have always been... He was determined to learn the truth on this matter, once and for all.
During a lull in the conversation after dinner, he had the opportunity he'd been waiting for.
"By the way, you left your nightgown in my quarters. Want me to bring it over later?" he asked casually.
"The blue one? Sure," she said distractedly.
The silence was deafening.
Looking up, she suddenly realized her mistake. Tom was staring at her accusingly.
"So we're 'just friends,' huh?"
B'Elanna winced. "It's not what you think..."
"I suppose you're also going to tell me that you spend the night with all your friends."
She hesitated. "Tom, I didn't want to lie to you –"
"Then why did you? Why is everyone hiding the truth from me?" He pounded his fist on the table in frustration. "What's so terrible about the past sixteen years of my life that it has to be kept secret?"
"Nothing. There's nothing wrong with your past. I just can't tell you anything about it..." She looked at him helplessly.
"Why not?"
"Tom, we've been through this before. The Doctor thinks it's better if you remember on your own."
"But I don't remember anything. I'm starting to think I never will!"
"I know it's frustrating, but it'll all come back to you eventually."
He sighed. He knew it wasn't fair to take it out on her. None of this was her fault, and he didn't want to alienate someone he cared about so much. But it was all so frustrating, and he couldn't take it anymore.
"Please try to understand... I'm not trying to hide anything from you. I only want what's best for you."
There were unshed tears in her eyes, and Tom suddenly realized how difficult all this must be for her.
"Oh, B'Elanna." He went over to her and hugged her tightly. She hugged him back, and they sank onto the couch together, still holding each other. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lash out at you like that."
"I know. It's all right."
"It's just that... I have no idea what's going on around here. No one ever tells me anything. For a while, I even thought that maybe you and Harry were going out," he confessed.
"Me and Harry?" she asked incredulously. Then she looked like she was about to start laughing.
"Well, the two of you spend all your time together," he said defensively.
B'Elanna shook her head. "Harry is one of my closest friends, but that's all." She paused, searching for the right words. "This has been hard on me. It hurts so much that you don't remember me and everything we've shared together... I suppose I've been turning to Harry for moral support. He understands what I'm going through better than anyone else."
Nodding, he hugged her closer. "That makes sense. I think... I was a little jealous, that's all."
"Well, don't be. There's nothing to be jealous about."
"Okay."
Smiling, they gazed at each other for a long moment.
"I've missed you so much," she whispered.
As she snuggled closer to him, he leaned over to gently kiss her forehead. He was more at peace than he had been in a long time. It was as though an important part of him that had been missing had been found again.
They remained entwined in each other's arms for the rest of the evening, happy that they were together again.
As they settled down to have lunch in the Mess Hall, a few people were staring. Others were exchanging knowing looks.
Tom and B'Elanna were unofficially back together, but their relationship had definitely changed. That was perfectly understandable, considering that he still couldn't remember much.
"So, how long have we been together?"
"A little over a year."
He was curious about everything, and she wanted so much to tell him, but she was under strict orders from the Doctor not to reveal too much, so she mostly evaded Tom's questions.
Instead, she tried to get him to talk about himself and anything he could remember. Of course, she could tell him about herself as well.
He wanted to know everything about her. She wasn't like anyone he'd ever met before, and he found her captivating.
She had been through so much in her life: growing up on a colony world, attending Starfleet Academy, fighting Cardassians with the Maquis...
And now, on Voyager... She commanded so much respect from her engineering staff, and from everyone else. It was easy to see why. Her authority and expertise were impressive.
But he wasn't the slightest bit intimidated by her tough exterior because he could see the underlying vulnerability. It was clear that she cared deeply about him.
He stared at her as he thought about all this, admiring her exotic beauty, her passion for life...
"Tom?"
"Hmm?"
"You're not eating."
"Oh." He looked down at his plate of leola root stew. "I guess I'm not very hungry. It's not very appetizing compared to the dinner we had last night."
She laughed. "It's not very appetizing, period. I don't think it matters what you compare it to."
They smiled at each other, perfectly content despite the bad food.
Tom resumed his earlier train of thought. Admiring her beauty, her vivacity... She was so kind to him, and she treated him like an equal. She was never condescending, the way older people usually treated younger people.
He felt that way sometimes about the other crewmembers of the ship, that they were patronizing him.
Other people were clearly uncomfortable with him. They didn't know what to say around him, what to do.
He couldn't really blame them, he supposed. After all, they were accustomed to talking with him as thirty-three year old Lieutenant Tom Paris, and he wasn't that person anymore. These people were used to looking up to him, calling him "Sir," following his orders...
He couldn't relate to them.
He felt more at ease with B'Elanna, who was supportive of him no matter what.
However, at times it unnerved him that she knew so much about him. She knew him so well, almost better than he knew himself. She didn't even realize all that she was revealing sometimes, through the things she would mention offhand.
She was still careful about what she said around him, but it wasn't easy. They were so comfortable around each other, and they spent so much of their free time together, it was inevitable that things would come out.
Ultimately, she wanted to protect him from any pain that knowledge of his past might cause him. Especially about the topics that she didn't know that much about.
That was the main reason that the Doctor had ordered everyone to stay silent. It would be terribly confusing for Tom if he couldn't remember anything and people were telling him all sorts of conflicting information about his past. Rumors would be especially damaging. He would be vulnerable, not knowing who to trust or believe. Not knowing who was a reliable source. The Doctor preferred that Tom remember on his own.
Tom was bored. Harry and B'Elanna were both working, so he had to entertain himself for a while.
He decided to work on breaking into the computer files to listen to some of his recent personal logs again. His access to them had been restricted, but he felt perfectly justified in breaking into them, considering that they were his personal logs and the only way that he could learn about his past since no one would tell him anything.
After a few hours, he finally managed to locate and open a few entry fragments...
"I can't stop thinking about her. I see her even in my dreams... what I'd like to do to her... if she'd only give me a chance... "
His face flushed as he realized that the log entry was extremely detailed. It was also eerie to hear all this in his own voice.
"This dream... a recurring dream. We're back in the caves... only this time, I don't hold back. She tells me how much she wants this... and I believe her."
"She's so beautiful... when we make love... I can see forever in her eyes... "
"I've never felt this way about anyone before... This is special... True happiness. "
Tom didn't know what to think anymore. This was more than he had been prepared for.
He found it difficult to believe that this incredible woman would see anything of value in him... that she loved him. amazed that such a beautiful, intelligent, talented, independent woman could feel such passion and devotion for him, especially when there were so many other men on board who were older, more experienced, and had more to offer. It seemed too good to be true.
Of course, it was. The man that B'Elanna loved was thirty-three and the chief con officer of Voyager. Someone he wasn't. She wasn't in love with the seventeen year old Tom Paris.
But he was getting a better idea of why she did love him. Getting a sense of the kind of man the thirty-three year old Tom Paris was.
The kind of man he would become.
He sighed, then decided not to think about it anymore. It was almost time for him to meet B'Elanna on the holodeck, anyway.
It was a perfect day on the beaches of Fiji. B'Elanna stretched lazily, lethargic from the heat of the sun's rays.
Tom was running around like a frisky puppy, delighted with all the water sports available to him. Waterskiing, parasailing, scuba diving, surfing, jetskiing... He wanted to try everything.
"Come on, B'Elanna." He picked her up easily – she was so light in his arms – and began trotting towards the water.
Amused, she held on and allowed him to carry her wherever he wanted. She couldn't wait to see what he would come up with next. He never seemed to tire.
The water was warm and perfectly clear...
It was like being seventeen again, she thought. Tom was so young and energetic, and he made her feel so alive. The more she got to know him, the more difficult it became to resist his charms.
He was fairly impulsive, and that was exciting.
He was so affectionate, generous, thoughtful, and caring. Sweet and lovable. He kept bringing her little presents and was always attentive and attuned to her needs. She loved that about him.
He made her laugh, and she could easily forget about all of her problems when she was with him. He calmed her easily ignited temper. He wasn't intimidated by her at all...
All the same qualities she loved about the thirty-three year old Tom Paris.
Of course there were differences, but that also attracted her.
He absolutely adored her, looked up to her. He felt things deeply, and he wasn't afraid to express it.
He wasn't as experienced, but that also made him very idealistic and optimistic. There was no trace of cynicism, since he hadn't seen any of the suffering, tragedy, and loss that his older self had. He was rarely on the defensive. She could see every nuance of emotion, everything that he was feeling.
It made him seem so vulnerable sometimes, though. She wanted to protect him, comfort him, reassure him, especially because she feared that the burden was too great for someone so young. He was being brave, but he was scared. She sensed the emotional turmoil he was going through and knew that he was still having nightmares.
They were quite open and honest with each other, but there were some things they didn't talk about.
For the moment, though, none of that seemed to matter. They were free to simply relax and enjoy each other's company.
After a while, they switched to the Paxau resort program. They had spent so much time together there, and she was hoping it would be familiar to him.
No such luck.
But she sat down on the cushioned loveseat in the center of the courtyard, where the two of them usually sat. He opted for lying down across the seat on his back, pillowing his head in her lap. Her warm, bare thighs made for a very comfortable pillow. He grinned up at her impishly as she shook her head at him in mock exasperation.
Still, she couldn't help laughing.
They gazed up at the peaceful sky, perfectly content. His gaze drifted to her face, and he smiled, admiring the contours of her slender neck and the gentle curve of her jaw.
B'Elanna had one hand entangled in his tousled hair. His scalp tingled as she absently stroked his head. Her other hand rested warmly on his chest, over his heart. Carefully, he clasped his hand over hers.
She wasn't even aware of it, but she was lightly running her fingers through the golden-red hairs of his chest, which he found incredibly arousing.
He sat up slightly to kiss her gently, then more thoroughly.
"Tom..." she murmured, returning the kiss. Her arms went around him, holding him tightly.
His hands drifted to her slender waist, then lower to her hip...
Unfortunately, the computer announced that their holodeck time was up, and they broke apart with a sigh.
People would soon be coming in to hang out and socialize.
At that moment, Harry came in. Upon seeing the two of them together, he couldn't help grinning. It was a welcome sight, seeing them so happy again.
But he also felt obligated to warn them, "The Doctor's going to be here soon. He's helping Seven practice her social skills again."
Tom and B'Elanna exchanged uneasy glances, knowing what the Doctor's presence would mean. He had already lectured her on the negative consequences of influencing Tom's memory. Intentionally or not.
Tom was in a grouchy mood. All he wanted was to spend some time with B'Elanna, but she was unbelievably busy today. There were too many problems that demanded her attention. Every time they had tried to steal a free moment together here and there, they had been interrupted.
Most recently, she had been called away from lunch to fix a problem with the plasma manifolds...
With a sigh, he stared at his plate. He felt like he was competing for her time, and that he was losing out to other priorities.
On top of that, his insecurity about their relationship was heightened by the constant reminder that there were so many other people in her life. People that were important to her...
During breakfast, Harry and Chakotay had joined them, then proceeded to monopolize most of the conversation by discussing a technical project that Tom had trouble following.
And as if that hadn't been bad enough, Ensign Freddie Bristow had stopped by their table and asked B'Elanna if she wanted to play Velocity with him on the holodeck later. Tom couldn't believe that Bristow actually had the nerve to ask her for a date in front of him!
He had been fuming by the time Ensign Murphy approached their table, hovering near B'Elanna and trying to make small talk.
And even at lunch... Ensigns Tabor, Mulcahy, and Vorik had requested B'Elanna's input on an engineering problem that they were working on.
Tom shook his head.
Harry, Chakotay, Bristow, Murphy, Tabor, Mulcahy, and even Vorik... He was jealous of all of them. Jealous of their experience, their confidence, their familiarity with B'Elanna.
It made him feel terribly insecure.
He didn't want to share her with anyone. He felt like telling the other guys to back off, but that would make him seem overly possessive. He had no good reason to be that paranoid, but he was.
He was afraid that she wouldn't find him very interesting compared to these older guys that she knew so well.
Jealousy was consuming him...
He found himself wishing that he had his memory back, because he doubted that the thirty-three year old Tom Paris would have had this problem.
Trying to be optimistic, he told himself that he had nothing to worry about. None of those guys had displayed any blatant romantic interest in her, after all. Well, except maybe Bristow.
Bristow. Wasn't he the same guy that B'Elanna had called "a child"? If he remembered correctly from his personal logs...
That made him uneasy. Bristow was still several years older than he was, and if B'Elanna considered the ensign immature, then what was her opinion of a seventeen year-old?
Depressed, he sat down on the floor of the nearly deserted Mess Hall, wishing that he could just sink through it and disappear.
From that location, he didn't see B'Elanna return.
"Tom?"
At the sound of her voice, he looked up to see her staring at him, looking puzzled.
"Hey... what's wrong?" Concerned, she knelt beside him.
He shrugged, unable to explain.
She slipped her arms around him, offering comfort.
Suddenly, his worries seemed to melt away. He held on to her tightly, relishing the familiar feel of her in his arms. Nuzzling her neck, he sighed with contentment. She gave a quiet little sigh as well.
"Nothing's wrong," he murmured. Not anymore.
For the moment, everything else was forgotten. She stroked his cheek, smiling tenderly.
Unfortunately, they were interrupted yet again.
"Bridge to Torres."
She sighed.
"I have to get back to work," she whispered, "but I'll stop by your quarters after my shift is over, okay?"
"Okay." He kissed her goodbye, then watched her leave regretfully.
Part 2 Close Encounters of the First Kind
It was well after 0100 by the time B'Elanna arrived at Tom's quarters that night. She was exhausted, practically ready to collapse.
"Long day, huh?"
"The worst."
"Want a backrub?"
She smiled tiredly. "Sure."
He began to massage her back and shoulders, alleviating the tension that had built up there during the course of the day.
She's so beautiful... Even in a state of utter fatigue.
He kissed her gently on the shoulder, at first only brushing his lips against her soft skin, then moving higher to nibble at her neck.
Suddenly, she wasn't tired anymore.
Turning to face him, she wound her arms around him, their hands beginning to roam over each other's bodies. They kissed, the passion rising feverishly between them.
She shifted them so that he was on his back, then began kissing a path down his chest, unfastening each button of his shirt as she progressed. After that, she moved to unfasten his pants... until she felt him tense.
"What's wrong?" she whispered.
He bit his lip. "Um... B'Elanna... I've never done this before. This is all new to me, and uh..."
"I know... it's strange that I remember but you don't. I understand."
"No, I mean... umm..." he mumbled, looking thoroughly embarrassed.
Adorable, she thought.
"I – I've never done this before with anyone. Not just you," he stammered.
Her eyes widened as the implication of his words sank in. Oh my god... he's a virgin. Pure. Innocent. Untouched. That was the last thing she'd expected to hear. It had never occurred to her that he might be inexperienced.
There was something incredibly erotic about his awkward, but openly honest admission, and she felt the heat rising within her even more. It excited her to no end that she would be the first to initiate him to the pleasures of the bed.
He looked so nervous and uncomfortable, which she found endearing and alluring at the same time.
She wanted him. Badly.
B'Elanna took a deep breath to calm herself. She had to make sure that he wanted this, too. She didn't want him to have an anxiety attack or pressure him into something he wasn't ready for. "Okay... Are you sure you want to do this then, Tom?"
"Of course!" he exclaimed, hoping he didn't sound as eager as he felt. "Um... But I don't exactly know what to do..."
He had fantasized about this moment for as long as he could remember, but he had never imagined that his first time would be with an experienced older woman who had memories of previous encounters with him. It was exciting, but also intimidating...
She slowly leaned over and kissed him again, a kiss full of promise and heartfelt desire. Tentatively, he kissed her back
Tom gulped for air, feeling a wave of terror wash over him, mingled with anticipation and excitement. What if he turned out to be a disappointment to her? He didn't want her to regret this. It wouldn't be fair to her, considering that she had memories of being intimate with him as a thirty-three year old man. An experienced thirty-three year old man, at that. He didn't want to destroy that for her.
He thought about how he must appear to her. Of course, on the outside he still looked like the thirty-three year old Tom Paris who was her lover... but he wasn't. Not really. Not in his mind. His outward appearance was merely an illusion to him.
She doesn't really want me, she wants him, he thought. Her thirty-three year old lover. But he couldn't help himself. He wanted her so much... Even if he was only deluding himself, at this moment, he could have everything that he wanted. So he couldn't bring himself to ask B'Elanna if she was absolutely sure that this was what she wanted. He didn't remind her that he wouldn't be able to live up to her previous expectations of him because he couldn't remember any of it, any of their earlier encounters.
His thoughts were rapidly becoming incoherent as she touched him like no one ever had before. He could feel the fire spreading through him, through his loins. The sensuality that she exuded was contagious.
She sensed his hesitation and anxiety, how he tensed... "Relax... " she whispered in his ear as she ran her hands over his bare chest, through the red-gold hairs there. "Listen to your body. Your body knows what to do, what it wants. "
Did it ever, he thought ruefully. He had never been this hard before in his life, and it showed. One thing was for certain, he was more than ready to finally become a man.
He allowed her to finish unclothing him, then watched as she stripped. There was something hypnotic and seductive in her graceful, fluid movements.
He swallowed hard, mouth dry, as another thought occurred to him. He had heard a lot about the prowess of Klingon women and their insatiable appetites. He didn't know anything about satisfying a woman, especially a half-Klingon one. What if he couldn't handle this?
But then, that was part of what made it so exciting, he reminded himself. Being out of control like this and not knowing what to expect was definitely arousing. And he had every confidence that she would make this easy for him. So far she had been very gentle with him.
Lying down on her back, she motioned for him to come over to her. Letting him admire her in all her splendid glory. She didn't want to scare him off by coming on too strong. It was better to take the more submissive, passive approach. Taking it slowly, at his pace that he could handle.
His breathing grew harsher as he moved over her and stared down at her. She was so beautiful, more beautiful than anything he could have ever imagined.
He began with soft, feathery caresses, barely touching her.
After a few lingering moments, she took his hands in hers, then pressed them tightly to her breasts. "I won't break. I promise."
He nodded nervously while she smiled patiently. Then he increased the pressure, testing the limits as he gently kneaded her breasts, encouraged by her soft moans.
Gradually, one his hands made its way down to her parted thighs, and he tentatively began exploring her. He was unsure what to do, but he loved touching her, and she was so warm, wet and soft there.
B'Elanna was thoroughly enjoying his attentions, thrilled by his growing boldness. His fingers brushed over a particularly sensitive spot, and she inhaled sharply, feeling a jolt of electricity spread through her.
It didn't escape his notice. He was paying careful attention to how she was responding to his caresses since he wanted to do all he could to please her. "There?"
"Mmmm... right there... Ohhhh, Tom... "
Delighted with his discovery, he stroked her where she wanted, her whimpers of pleasure driving him onward.
He bent his head down to where his fingers presently were, eager, longing to taste her. Her moans grew louder as he enthusiastically worked his lips and tongue over that sensitive area, excited by the exotic taste of her, the honey that flowed from her inner core. He continued lovingly, making her convulse and scream with ecstasy, the waves of bliss washing over her.
After she had recovered...
"Your turn," she said, a feral gleam in her eyes. "On your back," she commanded. He instantly complied.
B'Elanna gazed at his magnificent physique for a long moment. A physique previously untouched by any other woman. At least, in his mind. He would experience this as his first intimate contact with a woman.
She had the advantage of knowing what he liked, of course. They had discovered all that together. Even if he didn't know, she remembered, and he soon would.
He was already breathing heavily in anticipation, eyes half-closed.
Leaning over, she lightly licked the tip of his shaft. It was the barest of touches, but it was enough to make him shudder with pleasure.
She expertly stroked him with her tongue, concentrating on his most sensitive areas, eliciting heavy groans from him.
She knew exactly how to manipulate his body, having had considerable practice with him. He had never known anything like this before... He felt like he was about to explode, but she kept him dangling on the edge somehow.
Suddenly, she pulled away from him and rolled onto her back again.
He understood immediately.
Gazing into her eyes, he tentatively caressed her cheek. Her skin was so soft and warm beneath his fingertips.
He shifted so that he was completely on top of her, and he was suddenly aware of how tiny her frame was compared to his.
He knew from their time on the holodeck how strong she was, how trim, muscular and firm... but she was also every inch a woman, he realized as his body molded against hers, sinking into her soft, feminine curves. He hadn't expected that she would be this yielding under his weight.
Her moist heat beckoned to him irresistibly. She was so ready for him. Her little sighs excited him, and he wanted nothing more than to be joined with her, body and soul...
Smiling, she gazed up at him. "Do you want me?" she asked huskily.
"Yes... more than anything," he whispered.
"Take me... I'm yours, Tom. Always."
He nodded, then took a deep breath. Ever so slowly, he pushed into her until he felt slight resistance. He groaned again, feeling her strong inner muscles gripping the swollen head of his shaft. He wanted to plunge into her all the way, to be one with her completely, but he hesitated.
Feeling him pause, B'Elanna opened her eyes. "What's wrong?"
"I don't want to hurt you," he whispered.
"Don't worry; you won't," she whispered back. "Trust me."
He slowly began pushing again but didn't make much progress. He was still uncertain, so afraid that he would hurt her. She was so tight around him... how could he possibly fit?
She understood his reluctance, but he was making her crazy with desire. At last, she couldn't take it any longer. Taking the initiative, she swiftly wrapped her legs around his waist and arched into him, pulling him completely inside her.
He froze momentarily in shock as it registered that he was now fully embedded within her, and that his rapid entry into her had been so easy. Unaccustomed to the new sensations that assailed him, he remained still. His heavy arousal was surrounded by molten heat as she sheathed him completely, snugly, in her haven of warmth.
It was heaven.
She moved impatiently beneath him, reminding him that there was more to experience. Slowly, he raised himself up, looking down to where their bodies were joined, fascinated by the way his shaft slid easily into her, even though she felt so tight, and how it left her inner sanctum, glistening with silky moisture.
They began moving together in perfect harmony.
He lifted his head to gaze at her face again.
She had a dreamy, euphoric look in her eyes, lost in the pleasure he was giving her. She loved the way he was enjoying this as well. His blue eyes were so expressive that she could read every emotion in them.
He couldn't hold out any longer. A few thrusts later, he had reached the point of no return. With a fierce cry, he plunged into her one last time and released prematurely into her. The pleasure was so intense, it was almost unbearable.
He collapsed on top of her, panting uncontrollably. Ashamed and embarrassed at his lack of self-control, Tom averted his gaze. He couldn't look her in the eye. "I'm sorry, B'Elanna." he whispered.
"It's all right," she murmured soothingly, kissing him softly. "That was wonderful."
He shook his head, convinced that she didn't mean it, that she had only said it because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. "I'm sorry I couldn't –"
"Shhhh... It's all right."
"But... you didn't..."
"Nothing to worry about, that's easily taken care of." She smiled reassuringly, then took his hand in hers and guided it to where his erect member had been a moment ago. He caught on quickly and began his intimate caress of her, remembering what had stimulated her most before.
"Ohhh... yes... that feels so good..." she moaned appreciatively as he allowed his other hand to brush against her breasts while his fingers further probed her depths, delighting in the soft, sweet warmth.
Before long, she shuddered, arching into his hand with a shrill cry as she reached fulfillment. It was music to his ears. He wanted so much to please her.
He felt her rippling spasms, drenching his hand with her moisture, the warm stickiness covering her inner thighs... He stroked her there for a bit longer as her tremors subsided.
Sighing with pleasure, she savored the tingling sensations he was rousing in her.
He kissed her, pleased that he had been able to give her such pleasure, as she had given him.
He gathered her in his embrace so that they could they snuggle closer together, basking in the warm afterglow of their lovemaking, the serenity of union.
It had been an incredible experience. Far better than he'd ever dreamed or fantasized.
He was overcome by love and gratitude for this woman in his arms.
"I love you, B'Elanna."
Startled, she stiffened, then quickly turned away from him, suddenly overwhelmed with emotion at his heartfelt declaration.
"Did I say something wrong?" he asked, alarmed.
"No, no. Of course not." She tried to explain. "It's just that... you don't say that to me very often. It took me by surprise, that's all."
"Well... it's true, and I wanted to tell you..."
"I know."
"I love you," he repeated, looking a little vulnerable.
"And I love you, Tom," she said. She smiled at him, and he could see the warmth and affection shining in her eyes. "Kiss me, lover."
He did as she asked. Lover. They were lovers. Incredible. He had a lover... and she was absolutely amazing.
It took his breath away, the way she kissed him. He kissed her back, never wanting it to end.
The next morning, he woke up alone. There was no sign of her.
"B'Elanna?"
There was no answer. She wasn't anywhere to be found.
"Computer, location of Lieutenant Torres."
"Lieutenant Torres is in her quarters," was the reply, to his dismay.
He shook his head in confusion.
Maybe it was all in his head. Maybe it had all been an incredibly realistic dream. He had been getting carried away with listening to his personal logs, the ones that he had managed to break into, anyway. That, along with flashbacks, in bits and pieces, that he'd been having... maybe it had resulted in an erotic fantasy of his own design.
No, that wasn't it. It had been too real, elaborate and detailed to be merely a dream. He could remember waking up in the middle of the night, with her in his arms, peacefully asleep. It had been real.
Another thought occurred to him, a more likely possibility. Maybe she regretted it. She was supposed to stay away from him, after all. Doctor's orders. Either that, or she had decided that she just didn't want to be with him. That thought filled him with dread.
He agonized over what to do about this, if anything. If she didn't want to have anything to do with him, then there was nothing he could really do about it.
But he wanted to talk to her. Maybe he should confront this. After all that they had shared last night, it was only fair that she tell him the truth. She owed him that much
Then he noticed a message on his console.
"Tom,
I'm on duty this morning, but let's have dinner together tonight.
1900, my quarters. See you then.
love, B'Elanna "
Suddenly, his world was in perfect harmony again. He grinned. It hadn't been a dream. This was real.
Of course it had been real. Now that he was a little more awake, he was thinking more clearly. Remembering how it had been last night, how she had fallen asleep in his arms after their passionate encounter. She had looked so fragile, and he had wanted to protect her, keep her safe... share everything with her.
She meant the world to him. He would do anything for her, his companion, his mate. She made him feel so safe, so loved... like he was worthy and capable of so much... because she believed in him. She had faith in him.
That was perfect contentment. He had such clarity and peace of mind, loving her, and secure in the knowledge that she loved him. His heart filled with such happiness, his spirit soaring. He felt as though he could do anything.
He hadn't known that he could ever be this happy. Especially after all the misery and confusion he'd been through lately. It didn't seem so bad anymore. Now, he had faith, new hope that he would regain his memory.
And if not, they would make more memories. There would be new experiences to share together. As long as he had her, everything would be all right.
He stretched lazily, a little sore from last night's workout, but nothing serious. Then he decided to sleep a little while longer.
He buried his head in his pillow, inhaling her familiar scent, and he felt himself becoming aroused again. Remembering the feel of her, her scent, her taste, he couldn't wait to be with her again.
He was looking forward to dinner that evening in her quarters. It sounded cozy, and perfect for getting re-acquainted.
Life couldn't get any better than this.
1900. They were having dinner in her quarters. Pepperoni pizza with olives, his favorite. He was absolutely delighted that she remembered.
They were watching an episode of "Captain Proton," cheering as the hero saved the universe from Dr. Chaotica's dastardly plans once again.
Tom was thoroughly enjoying it and thrilled to learn that he actually had a holoprogram for it, one where he got to be Captain Proton.
"Who plays Buster Kincaid in my holoprogram? No, wait. Don't tell me... Harry, right?"
She smiled. "Yep. Harry is your loyal sidekick."
"And what about you? Constance Goodheart?"
"Not on your life. Somehow you managed to talk Seven into that role."
"Then who?" he persisted.
"Well... I haven't actually been in the holoprogram," she admitted. "Not as a character."
"Oh. You don't really like Captain Proton that much, do you," he realized.
"It's not that I don't like it..."
He could tell she was trying to phrase it diplomatically. But he knew that she wasn't all that fond of it, and that she only tolerated it because he loved it so much.
He was touched.
Shaking her head, she gave up and changed the subject.
"How was your day? Anything interesting happen?"
"Not really. Except that I started reading something I found in my quarters. 'Women Warriors at the River of Blood.'"
She laughed. "I can't believe you still have a copy of that!"
"It's yours, right? It's not exactly something I would have picked for myself. I mean, it's a Klingon romance novel."
"I love 'Women Warriors at the River of Blood.' It may not be a literary masterpiece, but it's quite compelling."
"I'll say. It gets pretty graphic in some parts... Whew," he teased, pretending to fan himself.
She blushed a little. Even thinking about it was arousing her. "I know... and you wanted to read it as a technical manual!"
"Really?"
"Really."
He contemplated that thoughtfully. "Is it?"
"What?"
"A technical manual," he said hopefully.
"No, of course not!"
"Too bad."
"What do you need a technical manual for?" she teased. She instantly regretted it. From the expression on his face, it was painfully obvious that he was still insecure about his lack of experience.
He turned away from her, embarrassed.
"Tom," she said gently, "you have nothing to worry about."
"But –"
She silenced him with a kiss, erasing any doubts. As he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him, she growled low in her throat, making him harden almost instantly.
Before he knew what was happening, he was flat on his back, with her sitting astride him.
B'Elanna was definitely in a Klingon mood after all that talk about "Women Warriors at the River of Blood." Heat rising in her blood, she tore off his clothes, eager to be joined with him again. Tom tore at her clothes with equal enthusiasm, responding to her fervor.
He grasped her hips, holding her directly above him.
"Tom... please..."
He didn't have to be asked twice. With one forceful thrust, he was inside her.
Hearts thundering, breath coming in gasps, they refrained from moving immediately, savoring the delicious sensations coursing through them.
"B'Elanna," he murmured thickly. "What you do to me..."
"Believe me, you're making me feel as good as I'm making you feel right now," she told him breathily, beginning to move over him.
He groaned heavily. "Mmm... I don't think that's possible. I'm feeling pretty good..."
"In that case..." She guided his hand to her most sensitive area, which he immediately began administering to eagerly.
He grinned upon hearing her moans of ecstasy. "How's that?"
"Keep that up, and I'll be making you feel even better pretty soon..." she promised.
She was true to her word. Moments later, he let out a lusty groan as her powerful climactic contractions drove him over the edge.
Panting, she collapsed on top of him. He cradled her in his arms, kissing her forehead.
"I didn't hurt you, did I?" he asked worriedly.
"No, of course not."
He looked at her dubiously. "But you're so tight around me..."
"It doesn't hurt," she reassured him. "When you push into me, I relax inside to take you all the way in... and when you withdraw, I increase the pressure around you. It increases the friction."
"Oh."
She realized that he was flushing, not expecting to hear such details.
Truth be told, she was also a little embarrassed that they were discussing this so explicitly.
Tom closed his eyes, trying not to think. But he couldn't help but be jealous of the men she'd been with before him...
B'Elanna was so much more experienced than he was, and it saddened him to think of all the previous lovers she must have had. Older, experienced men. There was no way he could ever compare to them.
He knew he probably didn't want to hear the answer, but he asked anyway. "Where did you learn all this?"
"From you, actually."
He was stunned to hear that. "From me?"
"Yeah..." She was blushing again. "And lots of practice."
"Practice," he echoed uncertainly.
"With you," she clarified. Her blush deepened. "Let's just say... that I didn't have a lot of experience before we got together."
"Oh..." That made him feel a lot better, though it was kind of strange to think that she had learned all this from him. He couldn't imagine it.
Somehow, that also increased his feelings of inadequacy. How could the seventeen year-old Tom Paris possibly compare to the thirty-three year-old Tom Paris?
He turned away slowly, unable to hide the fears and doubts that plagued him.
Sensing his distress, B'Elanna reached out to him. forcing him to look into her eyes. He looked so young and insecure...
She wanted him to feel completely comfortable with her... to ease all his insecurities.
"Tom, no other man has ever satisfied me the way you do. That's still true." She kissed him gently, pressing her warm naked body tightly against his. "I love you."
He nodded, much assured, as he wrapped his arms around her again. He believed her... Her words rang with sincerity.
"Practice," she reminded him huskily, pulling him down on top of her. He sighed happily, burying his face in her fragrant hair. He had a lot to learn, but she seemed more than eager to teach him.
Their bodies molded together, and he found himself completely aroused yet again. He slid easily into her as she coaxed him to enter, to fill her completely.
"Feel that?" He jerked in surprise as she suddenly squeezed him firmly.
The effect she had on him was incredible.
He couldn't hold back for long. "B'Elanna," he said urgently.
She understood immediately. Spreading her legs wider, she allowed him to thrust all the way inside her. Gradually, she began moving with him.
She was completely honest and open with him, sharing everything. He felt safe with her. Loved.
They continued climbing to the summit to ecstasy until they had once again found completion. Trembling, they sank back into the pillows, eventually drifting off into an exhausted but contented slumber together.
There were no nightmares for him that night, only peaceful dreams of her.
They lingered in bed, reluctant to get up.
"I don't really remember anything," he confessed to her.
B'Elanna was puzzled. "But... then how did you know... everything that you told me you remembered?"
"I... I kind of broke into some my personal logs."
"Oh."
"I'm sorry. I want to remember so badly that it hurts... but the truth is, I don't remember anything. Maybe a few images, flashes here and there… but mostly... nothing."
She hugged him. "It's all right. It'll come back to you, don't worry."
"Sometimes... I still have nightmares," he said quietly. "I don't know if it's anything that actually happened or just in my head..."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
He shrugged. "I don't remember very much. They're mostly fragments..."
Sensing his discomfort, she nodded in understanding.
"I try not to think about it too much," he said. "And my past can't be all that bad..." He smiled. "I figure that I must have done something right to end up here."
"In the middle of the Delta Quadrant?"
"On Voyager. I mean, I have a Starfleet field commission, I'm an officer on the senior staff, I have my dream job, wonderful friends... and you," he said softly.
She managed a strained smile, but she was thinking, If only you knew the path that led you here...
Eventually, they did get out of bed. Time enough for a quick shower before breakfast...
"It'll save time if we're both in there at the same time," he reasoned.
She raised an eyebrow. "I wouldn't be so sure about that."
He shrugged. She spoke from experience, after all.
"Well... we still have plenty of time before breakfast," he said hopefully.
She was laughing. "I know."
Still teasing each other, they made their way to the bathroom and disrobed.
Tom caught sight of his reflection in the bathroom mirror and stared. He still couldn't get used to it: the receding hairline that made his forehead look so high, the wrinkles around his eyes that hadn't been there before, the stubble that was starting to show over his upper lip and over his chin. He looked so much older than he felt. A seventeen year-old identity in the body of a thirty-three year old.
He stood there motionless, trying to make sense of it all.
B'Elanna turned to him, noticing the expression on his face. Concerned, she touched his arm. "Tom?"
"Fine," he reassured her, slipping his arms around her waist. He was so much taller than she was, but that also meant he could cradle her perfectly in his arms. She leaned back against him, resting her hands over his, and he took one of her hands in his, marveling at the contrast. Silently, they stood there staring at their reflection for a moment.
A beautiful, petite, dark-haired, dark-eyed woman in the arms of tall, handsome blue-eyed man...
This is how other people see us, Tom realized.
"What are you thinking about?"
Smiling, he pulled her closer. "I was just thinking that we look good together. Like we belong together."
She studied the reflection, trying to see it through his eyes. "Yeah, we do."
As she stared at the reflected image, she felt a rush of overwhelming emotion. She loved him so much. He wasn't like the thirty-three year old Tom Paris that she had originally fallen in love with, but she loved him just the same. He was still Tom Paris. He was so young, innocent... she wanted to protect him from harm. He brought out that fierce protectiveness in her. She would do everything in her power to make him happy...
...and she knew he felt the same about her.
He smiled, as if reading her thoughts. Kissing her cheek softly, he pulled her closer. He could see the love shining in her beautiful eyes. She so obviously devoted to him, and he was amazed that he could inspire that kind of devotion in anyone. Especially someone as incredible as her...
They depended on each other, needed each other.
In Sickbay, the Doctor patiently awaited Tom's arrival. He had heard rumors that Tom and B'Elanna had gotten back together, and...
Tom finally arrived. "Morning, Doc," he said cheerfully.
The Doctor wasn't in such a good mood. "Mr. Paris," he began sternly, "it has come to my attention that you and Lieutenant Torres have started seeing each other again."
"Yeah, so?"
"I'm not certain if that's wise."
"Why not?"
"It's not healthy for either of you."
"But I love her."
"How can you say that you love her? You've only known her for a few weeks."
"I've known her for years, I just don't remember it," Tom corrected. "Besides, she's known me for five years and been my friend all that time... and my girlfriend for over a year."
"You're not the same person. She needs to realize that, and so do you."
His voice held a note of bitterness. "Believe me, Doc, I realize it. That's the only thing I can't forget."
"This adolescent infatuation of yours –"
"This isn't an adolescent infatuation," Tom interrupted. "I may be young, but I know what I feel. B'Elanna and I love each other, and we have a terrific relationship. I don't see what the problem is."
"You're too young to be in that kind of serious relationship," said the Doctor paternally. "There are complications... These relationships are complex."
Tom shook his head in puzzlement. "She loves me. I love her. It's that simple."
And for him, it was that simple. His love for her was of the purity and innocence only possible with youth... untarnished by disappointments, unfulfilled expectations, and understanding of the fragility of romantic relationships. He was adoring of his beloved and awed by the range of new emotions he was experiencing. To him, being in love was the most wonderful feeling in the world. It wasn't complicated at all.
"Is that so hard for you to understand, Doc?"
The Doctor looked at a loss. So much for child psychology. Time to try another angle, he thought with a deep frown.
Tom left Sickbay, somewhat rattled. The only thing that he was sure about was that he loved B'Elanna and that she loved him. If that were taken away from him...
B'Elanna... He longed to see her, to talk to her, but she was on duty. He sighed. It would be another 20 minutes before her shift ended. A long 20 minutes before he could hold her in his arms again. 20 minutes.
Now that he knew what it was like to be with her, he couldn't get enough of her. Her presence was comforting to him.
Back in Sickbay, the Doctor weighed the options. He was concerned about his patient.
He's as stubborn as ever, thought the Doctor. Well, the only other option was to convince B'Elanna that this wasn't good for Tom. She was sure to back off if she believed that. He made up his mind to enlist some help in convincing her.
"Doctor to Commander Chakotay."
"Go ahead."
B'Elanna glanced at the clock again. 15 minutes. 15 minutes before she could be with Tom again. 15 long minutes.
Her thoughts were interrupted as Chakotay entered Main Engineering.
"B'Elanna, could I talk to you for a moment?"
"Sure, Chakotay."
They moved off to a distant corner for more privacy.
"What is it?"
"Well... It's about you and Tom."
"What about us?"
"Rumor has it that the two of you are back together."
She shrugged.
"I was talking to the Doctor, and he thinks that this is bad for Tom. It's not psychologically healthy."
"Tom needs me right now," she argued. "How else is he going to remember anything?"
"I'm not saying that you can't spend time with him, B'Elanna. All I'm saying is that it's not a good idea for the two of you to resume your relationship right now."
"But –"
"Listen to me. I know this is difficult, but think about it. At this moment, Tom Paris has the memories, maturity, and personality of a seventeen year-old. For all practical purposes, he is seventeen. Do you really think it's a good idea for a seventeen year-old boy to date a woman nearly twice his age?"
"Well, gee, when you put it that way... " she said sarcastically.
"This isn't healthy for either of you. Surely you see that."
"Chakotay... Tom Paris is not a seventeen year-old boy. He's a thirty-three year-old man with amnesia. It's not the same thing, and you know it!"
"B'Elanna, please... Be reasonable."
Turning away, she began pacing back and forth. She knew in her heart that Chakotay was right, but she didn't want to give Tom up.
"Try to be patient. Wait until he regains his memory."
"What if he never regains his memory? What if he never remembers?" she countered.
He sighed. "I hope we don't have to deal with that. But for now... Take a break. For his sake."
"All right," she said reluctantly with a sad sigh of her own. Anything for Tom... and if the Doctor said that this was the way it had to be for now... she would follow his suggestion. But how am I ever going to tell Tom? she wondered unhappily.
B'Elanna sat in her quarters, awaiting Tom's arrival... so she could break his heart... and her own.
All day she had looked forward to being with him again, counting the minutes... But not anymore, knowing what she had to do.
"Come in."
Tom walked in, all smiles. "Hi, beautiful."
"Tom..."
He moved towards her, but she evaded his embrace. "What's wrong?"
She took a deep breath. Better to come right out and say it... "I don't think we should see each other anymore, Tom."
"What?" He stared at her, certain that he hadn't heard correctly.
"We can't see each other anymore." It made her absolutely miserable to have to say those words to him, but she had no choice.
He sensed her unhappiness. "You don't mean that."
She tensed. As she had feared, he wasn't prepared to walk away without putting up a fight.
"I don't understand..."
She didn't say anything.
"B'Elanna... if you want to break up, at least tell me why. Don't I deserve to know that much?"
"Well... I was just talking to Chakotay, and he and the Doctor –"
"Chakotay and the Doctor? What do they have to do with any of this? It's none of their business."
"Yes it is. They're concerned about you, and they know what's best for you."
"No they don't! They don't know anything!"
"Tom..."
"I don't want to be away from you, B'Elanna. Not if I don't have to. I don't see any reason why we shouldn't be together."
"We can still be friends," she said weakly, trying to placate him.
"That's not good enough!"
"Tom... Just go. Please."
"You don't really want me to leave."
"Yes, I want you to leave."
He studied her intently, trying to decide what to do. "Okay, I'll leave... but only on one condition."
"What?"
"Look me in the eye and tell me that you don't love me."
She stared at him, taken aback.
"That's the only way I'm leaving," he said stubbornly.
He's serious, she realized anxiously. What do I do now? She took a deep breath.
"All right, if that's what it'll take."
"Say it, and I promise I'll leave."
"Fine. I... I don't – I –" She faltered, unable to finish. Distressed, she moved to the viewport. "Please leave. Don't make this even more difficult than it already is."
"You want me to just walk away? From you? From what we have together? That's it?" He was nearly yelling, he was so upset.
Her eyes were pleading him to leave...
Taking a deep breath, he tried a different approach. "B'Elanna..." he implored. "I love you."
She paled visibly. "Don't say that."
"But it's true. I love you, and I want to be with you." A thought occurred to him. He was still insecure. "You really don't feel the same? You don't love me?"
"Of course I love you. Don't ever doubt that."
His heart soared, filled with hope. "Then –"
"Tom, I'm doing this because I love you. It's what's best for both of us."
Pained, he shook his head. "We're both going to be miserable if we break up," he argued. "How can that be good for either of us?"
Distressed, she couldn't look at him.
He sensed that she was weakening and continued. "We should be together. We love each other."
"It's not that simple."
"Isn't it?"
When she didn't say anything, he went over to her and hugged her tightly. "I love you," he repeated with such conviction that she couldn't deny the strength of his devotion to her.
She couldn't take it anymore. "I love you, too," she whispered, hugging him back. He had broken down all of her defenses, and she couldn't shut him out of her heart. More than anything, she wanted to be with him.
"B'Elanna?" Chakotay wanted to see how she was holding up. He knew that this experience had been emotionally draining for her, and he was worried about her.
He keyed in the access code and entered her quarters. A few paces later, he froze at the unexpected sight of Tom and B'Elanna asleep in bed together.
So much for breaking up, he thought wryly. He might have known that B'Elanna wouldn't have the heart to go through with it, not if Tom could manage to convince her otherwise. He was incredibly persuasive.
Now what?
Tom stirred, waking up. "Chakotay?" He eyed the older man suspiciously.
"Hi..." Chakotay said awkwardly.
B'Elanna looked a little guilty, but more defiant than anything else.
No one said anything for a long moment.
Finally, Chakotay coughed. "I thought you two were going to take a break from each other?"
"Why shouldn't B'Elanna and I see each other if we want to? We're both adults," Tom said belligerently.
"Chronologically, you're an adult, Tom, but you have the memories and identity of a seventeen year-old."
"That doesn't mean I'm actually seventeen!"
"Tom –"
"It's none of your damned business!" he shouted. "Why can't everyone just leave us alone?"
"We're worried about you."
"You just want her for yourself!" he said bitterly.
Chakotay shook his head. "That's not true."
"Tom... there's never been anything between me and Chakotay. And there never will be. I love you. Only you," B'Elanna reassured him.
"And I love you... I love you so much. Why should we have to break up? Why is it that everyone is telling me what to do with my life, but no one will tell me what my life has been like before this?"
It was obvious to Chakotay that this wasn't going well. "Maybe we should discuss this tomorrow morning," he suggested.
Tom glared at him.
"Tomorrow," Chakotay repeated firmly before leaving.
Tom sat there numbly, unable to believe what he was hearing.
"This is what we recommend, but we trust you to make the right decision," Captain Janeway was saying. Essentially, she was siding with the Doctor and Chakotay on this matter.
There was so much he wanted to say but couldn't. He wanted to protest, to argue, to debate this until he convinced them all that he knew what was best for himself, and not them... but he knew it wouldn't do any good. For the time being, he would defer to them. He would do his best to maintain his distance from B'Elanna.
He silently walked out of Sickbay, defeated.
"Tom." He turned slightly to see B'Elanna following him. She didn't stop until she was directly in front of him, raising her face to his.
"I love you," she whispered for his ears only, her eyes searching his.
He longed to reach out to her – she was so close – to hold her, kiss her, love her the way he wanted to... but he couldn't.
She was still trying to reassure him, to comfort him, despite the pain she was also feeling.
Staring into the smoky depths of her dark eyes, he had a brief flash, an image, a moment so similar... The two of them together, in environmental suits in the vast coldness of outer space. Running out of oxygen. "I love you," she had said, much the same way.
He remembered... It had been a new beginning for them then. They had defied the odds that day and found each other at last.
Patience.
The memories would come flooding back, in time.
The End
(well, at least until Amanda finishes writing "Seventeen!" :) )