My name is Stephanie Plum and I'm a former bounty hunter who now works mostly in sales. I sell Rangeman. I mean…not actually sell it, but sell its services to clients. I'm pretty good at it too. I think it's because I'm a people person whether I like it or not and in direct opposition from the fact that I was born and raised in Trenton New Jersey.
Rangeman is owned by my friends Ranger and Tank. Ranger has been more than just a friend to me over the years we've known each other. He's been my boss, my mentor, my Svengali, my nemesis and my lover. Sometimes he was all those things at the same time. Right now…he's my boss and my friend. And he's had privileges that go beyond those titles on occasion. You see, I'm in love with him. He says he loves me too…in his own way. I'm not really sure what his way is. I know things have been different since he changed his government contract. I know he's been different. But…I think he's just sort of getting his relationship sea legs, if you know what I mean. He even took me to Hawaii after our last assignment. And he didn't even try to get into my bikini while we were there. That's both good and bad, right?
Speaking of sea legs, Tank is marrying my very good friend Lula on Valentine's Day while on a Cruise. It's not a huge cruise ship though like the ones you see on television. This is a smaller ship that accommodates a couple of hundred people. It's just big enough for the wedding party. That includes all the Rangeman employees and their families and friends, every hooker that ever worked out of Stark Street who is still alive, and pretty much all of their family and friends. Fortunately we were able to keep the guest list down to 250 people and all of them (I can't imagine why…hint-free 11 day cruise) are going on the cruise and attending the wedding. The ship itself wouldn't accommodate a wedding of that size at sea, so we're docking in the Grand Caymans and they'll get married on the beach there. It's almost the same thing, but it was a real scramble to get a minister to join our group. But…Lula accomplished it with the help of Tank's mother. Yea…he has a mother. Who knew?
Lula worked diligently in the month leading up to the cruise on room assignments and reception seating charts. She studied and approved menus and a cake and all the wine lists. She told me in confidence that the whole thing cost about a quarter of a million dollars. I was stunned. Where did she get that much money? She didn't have to, Tanks parents paid for it.
Okay, so we've established that I'm a friend of both the bride and the groom. We've established that I work for Rangeman. Oh…I'm the maid of honor too. Needless to say, I'm going. I was looking forward to it really. Tank was as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs and in spite of the fact that Ranger has been his best friend for fifteen years or more he tells me that for this process…I'm his rock. Maybe because marriage doesn't scare me especially since it's not my wedding and it scares the bejesus out of Ranger. I mean I own my commitment issues. I go to therapy twice a week and attempt to solve them. Ranger pretends he doesn't have commitment issues. I ask you, which of us is more in touch with our emotions? I'll tell you, me…that's who.
Rangeman employees from all over the eastern seaboard had flown a couple of days prior to our exit to take over our duties. I'd spent two whole days, when I wasn't on the phone with a frantic Lula or Tank, showing Sandal Bergerman my job and letting him in on my Trenton secrets. He could handle it.
I had even more confidence in Juliet Snider to handle Rangeman Trenton while we were gone than I had in Sandal. Juliet had saved my life in Boston and in many other ways…we were simpatico. She and I remained friends after that experience. Besides, she knew where to get designer shoes for a third of the price. That makes us sisters. I mean it.
Packing for a wedding cruise was a lot different that packing for a trip to Maui for a vacation or even to Boston to solve a crime…and just don't go there. I ended up with three regular large suitcases, a garment bag and my carryons. I'm still a girl. And I limited my Manolo count to four. I think I should get a cookie for that if nothing else. I'd also made arrangements for my ever faithful friend Rex, the hamster to go to a hamster hotel. He would be safe and well cared for there. Rex was the one constant in my life these days. He never ignored me or glared at me or accused me of being stupid or incompetent. He was just my friend and my companion. He was a hell of a good listener too. There's a lot to be said for Hamster love, really.
Ranger stepped into the foyer of my house and blinked at the pile of luggage. "Babe…we're going to be gone for ten days, not three years."
"Oh sure…that's easy for you to say. We have to attend six formal dinners and that doesn't include the wedding itself. You can wear the same tuxedo for every occasion. I have to have a different cocktail dress for each one of those dinners plus my dress for the wedding."
"I have three shirts," he said with an apologetic smile.
"Whatever," I scowled and stuffed my travel alarm clock into the corner of the smaller bag. He shouldn't be screwing with me anyway. It was barely one in the morning. Our flight left at 3:30AM. I was dog tired. PS…I'm not really good when running without sleep.
"Is this it?"
"Yea," I nodded glancing around the house.
"Where's Rex," he frowned.
"I was going to ask Valerie or Mary Lou to watch him, but I had these visions of him wearing tutus or being used as a football so I changed my mind. He's at a hamster hotel."
"Babe…a hamster hotel," his lips twitched in amusement.
"He's at a pet hotel," I sighed. "I just wanted him to be safe."
"Okay," he looked heavenward. "I'm glad I had a separate limo pick up your parents, grandma Mazur and Burt for this thing. There's no way we'd have gotten your luggage into the car with theirs."
I rolled my eyes and grabbed my carryon bag and my smaller piece of luggage. Ranger and the limo driver took the rest. After they fit my luggage into the back with Ranger's one duffle and his hang up bag, I put my smaller bag on top. "Really Ranger…one bag and the tux, that's all?"
He grinned and opened the door and waited for me to enter. "What can I say? I pack light."
"You can only do that since you don't wear underwear," I sighed.
"You too could forgo underwear," he waggled his brow.
"And my bras," I glared at him.
"You don't need them for me."
"I'll need them so that the day I turn forty I can look down and they'll still be where I left them and not hanging out at my belly button."
"That is a picture I did not need," he said reaching for his buzzing phone as I reached for mine.
"Stephanie Plum," I said.
"Stephanie," Lula wailed. When she screamed, yes screamed, my name it had to have taken a good thirty seconds to get out. She made Stephanie the longest word in the world.
"What's wrong Lula," I said softly. I had learned over the last several months that if I spoke to her calmly and softly that she became less hysterical quicker. She had taken Bridzilla to a whole new level. She wanted everything to be perfect and she cried at the drop of a hat. For a girl who used to sell her body on the streets in a very bad neighborhood, she'd really turned into such a sissy pants.
She just cried harder for a few minutes. I could hear sniffing and knew she was trying to catch her breath. I looked over at Ranger and saw him nod and say uh-huh several times to indicate to the caller that he understood. "Just tell her its okay," Ranger finally said.
"Lula…," I sighed. It was going to take a while.
"Just tell her that you can room with me on the ship," Ranger finally said closing his phone. "Just tell her its fine. Tell her you'll fit easily into my suite, but your luggage may not."
I glared at him, "Lula…I can stay with Ranger on the ship. It's okay honey."
"A…a…a…are you sure," she hiccupped.
"Of course," I said gently.
"You're the best," she hiccupped and disconnected.
"What was that all about," I blinked at Ranger as I tucked my phone away.
"The cruise people forgot to put the Reverend and Mrs. Burns in a stateroom," he said with a smile.
"Hmmm, then it's for a good cause," I sighed and sank down in the leather seat.
"It is," he agreed.
We rode in silence to the airport and Ranger handled the luggage and getting us checked in. All I had to do was present my passport to the ticket agent to prove I was who I said I was. Then I had to present it again at Security. We whizzed through and stopped at Starbucks for coffee (and lemon pound cake for me…yummy!) and then proceeded to our gate.
Ranger opened his laptop and went to work on financials the moment we settled in. I opened a paperback. It was a romance novel by someone named Janet Evanovich. I'd read a couple of her things before. She was good and always funny.
I was well into the third chapter when I heard Grandma coming down the concourse. She was telling my mother that she didn't know that sexual devices shouldn't go in the carryon luggage. I thought I would die. Ranger looked up at me and raised a brow slightly before disappearing into his work again.
"Pumpkin," my father leaned over to kiss my cheek affectionately.
"Hi Daddy," I smiled.
"Ranger," he nodded.
"Mr. Plum," Ranger got to his feet and shook my father's hand and then Burt's. He helped my mother get settled and then returned to his work.
Daddy quickly opened the newspaper and disappeared behind it.
My mother caught my arm, "is that a good book? I've heard she's very funny."
"She is," I agreed. "You can read it when I finish it," I promised.
"Stephanie…did you know that it's illegal to carry sexual devices in your carryon luggage," Grandma said as she dug into her tote bag. She laid items on the empty seat next to her as she dug. There was a banana with brown specks on it, her change purse, a couple of lacy handkerchiefs, a pair of crotchless panties (would I make this up?), and some gum. "Oh here's your Viagra Burt. We'll be fine."
Burt grinned and kissed her weathered cheek.
The rest of us threw up a little bit in our mouths.
"Well, did you know that Stephanie," she said stuffing everything back in.
"No, I didn't know that," I said clearing my throat and the mental images. "I thought they just made you turn them on."
"Well…it's that his and hers sexual gel," she grinned. "That stuff works wonders, don't it Burt?"
He nodded and grinned. Burt was apparently a man of actions and not words.
"Oh…well, liquids and gels have to be three ounces or less," I reminded her. "You know…for air safety and all."
"Oh darn it all," she sighed. "Do you think they'll have any at the airport in Ft. Lauderdale?"
"I don't know," I said mentally wondering if there was anything that would permanently remove images from my brain.
"We'll stop somewhere," Ranger said without looking over his laptop.
"Good," she nodded.
I raised a brow at him and my father lowered his paper.
"I just don't want you to worry Mrs. Mazur. You can put it right out of your head."
Daddy nodded and I smiled in understanding.
"You're a good man son," she said, "even if you don't show me your package."
Ranger raised a brow at me and then purposefully focused his attention on his laptop.
"Where are Lula and Tank dear," my mother asked.
"They're already down there. They wanted to meet early with the cruise director and make sure all the arrangements were in line. They stopped in Baton Rouge on the way to pick up Tank's parents and the Reverend and Mrs. Burns too."
"There's no Priest," she blinked at me.
"They're not Catholic," I said with a smile.
"Oh," she frowned and immediately flipped open a copy of Good Housekeeping.
There was no question she didn't approve of that.
"Me and Burt needed the gel so we could join the mile-high club," Grandma sighed. "Now what are we going to do?"
"Come on Edna," Burt said. "I see an interesting little shop over there. Maybe there's something in there to help us."
"I sure hope so," she said seriously getting to her feet and walking away with him, "you already took your Viagra."
My father groaned behind his paper. My mother turned a tad green. Ranger raised a brow at me.
"Why are you blaming me," I hissed at him. "I'm not looking for lubricants to join the mile-high club."
He leaned over to whisper in my ear, "Why doesn't that make me feel better?"
Honestly…I have no idea.