So...it's been awhile since my Twilight parody. I started this Harry Potter fluff story/parody after reading some really amusing Lucius fanfictions on . Lucius happens to be one of my favorite characters...because he's so completely evil and kick-ass...so I decided to write my own story about him.

Disclaimers:
1. I unfortunately do not own Lucius Malfoy, Narcissa Malfoy, or Severus Snape...or any of Harry Potter...dangit.
2. This story is a little...weird and kind of...disturbing. You have been warned.

LUCIUS MALFOY AND THE MISSING PIMP CANE

Lucius woke up at 5am like he did every morning and completed a rigorous hour of pilates. With his pilates completed, he showered and picked out a handsome green set of robes for the day ahead of him. It was not until 6:42am that Lucius noticed that his wonderful pimp cane (Snakey, as he affectionately called it) was not in his wardrobe where he normally left.

"Narcissa!" Lucius exclaimed, shaking his petite blonde wife who was still buried under their green and silver silk sheets. She groggily sat up and stared at him, her blue eyes slightly crossed. "SNAKEY IS MISSING!"

"I'm sure you just left him in another room," Narcissa said calmly as if she were talking to a child.

"No! I always put Snakey in the wardrobe!" he whined. "Someone took him!"

Groaning, Narcissa climbed out of bed and headed to the small liquor closet in their room. There was no way she could deal with her husband this early unless she had a shot of fire whiskey. Well, Narcissa drank a lot more than a shot before turning to survey the distraught Lucius. He looked perfectly put together except for his hair. His long blonde locks were disheveled and that was more than enough to show that he was upset. Normally, his hair was absolutely flawless without a single lock out of place.

"Why don't you go talk to the house elves?" Narcissa suggested, straightening his mussed hair with her fingers.

"Fine. Keep an eye out for it Cissa!"

Lucius stalked out of the bedroom in search of his awesome pimp cane. There was a whole lot of mansion to search and a bunch of house elves to interrogate. With the size of the house, it took Lucius half an hour to find a house elf.

"DINKY!"

"Yes Master Malfoy?" the elf squeaked.

"Have you seen Snakey recently?"

"Master Snape said that he was coming to pick it up to clean it for you."

"WHAT?!? YOU LET THAT HALF-BLOOD TAKE MY AWESOMETASTIC PIMP CANE!?"

Dinky had no time to brace himself before Lucius punted the elf down a flight of stairs. Lucius stormed to the nearest fireplace, threw some Floo Powder into the roaring flames, stepped in, and zipped off to the dungeons of Hogwarts.
Lucius paused in shock when he saw the scene unfolding in the dungeon before him. Severus Snape was dancing around his office in a green robe and a blonde wig to the song "I'm Too Sexy." He had Snakey in one hand!

"Give me Snakey back!" Lucius roared at Snape.

"Um...hello Lucius...I was just..." Snape had no idea how to explain what he was doing.

"Look Severus," Lucius said calmly, composing himself. "I know everyone wants to be me...but they can't be. Just hand Snakey over, and I won't tell the Dark Lord about this."

Reluctantly Snape handed over the awesometastic pimp cane and pulled off the blonde wig. "Look Lucius...I have to tell you the truth. I really, truthfully love you!"

Lucius just stared at Snape, highly disturbed. "That's totally revolting Severus!"

"But aren't you" - he glanced around nervously- "gay?"

"Holy Hippogriffs! I'm 100% straight!"

"Oh...well, I just figured with the feminine hair and unusually good fashion sense..."

"Sorry Severus. I'm most definitely straight. That's why I carry a pimp cane." Lucius affectionately stroked Snakey. A roguish smile filled his face. "The fan girls love it."

THE END

((P.S. The fangirls most definitely LOVE the pimp cane and Lucius.))