I do not own any Pokemon-related intellectual property. This is just a fan story.
AN: This story begins in a parallel universe where the Pokemon franchise does not exist, so our protagonist has no experience or knowledge whatsoever when he is mysteriously dropped into a Pokemon Blue Version game. This story is primarily a parody of some of the more quirkier aspects of the Gameboy games, so it adheres very closely to actual gameplay, and mostly ignores elements that appear in the Anime or Manga (although I couldn't resist dropping in one Anime reference at the very end of the first chapter).
Kyle, on the whole, was a rather ordinary boy. He was that sort of unremarkable everyman who has a tendency in works of fiction to suddenly get thrust, for no apparent reason, into amazing new fantasy worlds replete with thrilling challenges that now must be faced by this bemused outsider. Fortunately for Kyle (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view), this is indeed a work of fiction, and Kyle's life was about to be changed forever.
Walking home from school one day, he was approached by a tall, mysterious man in a trench coat, whose eyes were predictably hidden behind sunglasses.
"Look, whatever you're selling, I'm not interested," said Kyle preemptively.
"Not selling anything," the man replied. "Just have a little offer to make you." With a wicked grin, he pulled two large pills out of his pocket: red and blue.
"So let me guess: if I take the red pill, I'll see some trippy True Reality ™ and if I take the blue pill, you'll just leave me alone and let me go home?"
"Nah! I'll admit freely that neither are some deeper reality – they're just interesting game worlds."
"Well thanks for the offer, but I better be going."
The trench coat man was crestfallen. "Aw c'mon, it'll be fun!" Kyle started walking away. Now the trench coat man was desperate. "I'll give you $150 to try one" he shouted frantically. That got Kyle's attention.
"All right, let's see the money." The trench coat man produced three fifties. "You promise me these pills aren't poison or anything."
"Yep."
Kyle considered; somehow this man seemed a little too pathetic and kooky to be dangerous. Against his better judgment, he heard himself saying "Ah, what the heck, I'll do it. So exactly what kind of game world is it?"
"It's the exciting world of Pocket Monsters!"
"Is that supposed to be some creepy sexual innuendo?"
"No! They're real monsters! You catch them, you train them, and then you become TEH ULTIMATE MASTAH!"
This was going to be the easiest $150 he would ever make in his life. Playing along for a few more seconds, Kyle asked this poor demented soul when the game would be over.
"The game is over," he said, that wicked grin flashing again, "when you Catch 'em All! So which will it be: the red or blue pill?"
"Cash first" insisted Kyle. The trench coat man handed over the money, and Kyle took the blue pill.
Suddenly, the world faded away.
Oh snap! That pill wasn't supposed to actually do anything!
Kyle was now in some sort of white void. Gradually, an old man in a lab coat faded into view. It really was a game world!
"Hello there!" said the lab coat man. "Welcome to the world of Pokemon! My name is Oak; people call me the Pokemon Professor!"
Oak vanished, and in his place, a hideous looking creature which resembled a cross between a rhino and a dinosaur appeared. Oak's voice continued.
"This world is inhabited by creatures called Pokemon. For some people, Pokemon are pets. Others use them for fights. Myself… I study Pokemon as a profession!"
The Pokemon disappeared and Oak returned. "First," he asked, "what is your name?"
"Me? I'm Kyle," Kyle answered weakly. He had only been half listening, as his mind was mostly still dwelling on the fact that it freaking really was a game world!
Oak vanished once again, and some smug little punk with a distinctive hairstyle that just made you want to hate him appeared.
"This is my grandson. He's been your rival since you were a baby. Erm… what was his name again?"
"You're asking me? How should I know? He's your grandson!"
"Well, I'm totally blanking at the moment, so please help me out."
"He kind of looks like a dick" Kyle offered.
"Ah, that's right, I remember now! His name is Dick! As for you Kyle, your very own Pokemon legend is about to unfold! A world of dreams and adventures with Pokemon awaits! Let's go!"
For the final time, Oak vanished, and at last, a world began to come into focus. Kyle sat in front of a SNES in a bedroom. In the room's four corners, there was a staircase, a computer, a bed, and a hideous mini palm tree. The computer, though it looked like it was probably made around 1995, was the most interesting of the quartet, and Kyle immediately walked over and turned it on. There was but a single icon on the desktop, labeled 'Potion'. *Click!* The icon disappeared, and an effervescent liquid began spilling out of the floppy disk drive. As Kyle yelled in horror, the liquid stopped spilling and suddenly solidified into a small purple bottle.
"OK, that was just about the freakiest thing I've ever seen. So what does this 'potion' do?" The bottle's small label read '20 Hit Points' but otherwise gave no indication. Kyle shrugged and put the potion in his backpack, which he had brought along from the real world. Then he headed for the staircase.
Downstairs, the single room was furnished with a TV, bookshelves, a table with chairs, and more of those tacky palm trees. "Oh Kyle!" said a cheerful young adult woman sitting at the table, "I want you to know that it's all right that you're leaving home – you are 10 after all!"
"Well, I'm actually 16, but thanks for the vote of confidence, uh, 'mom.'"
'Mom' nodded approvingly. "The TV is definitive proof that all boys your age leave home." She had said it earnestly, without the slightest hint of sarcasm. On the TV, some crappy movie from the '80s was playing. Four younger boys were walking along the railroad tracks. Wow, though Kyle, parents in this world have some seriously messed up evidentiary standards. And how about this house! No bathroom, no kitchen, no parents bedroom – just some tacky vegetation and a few mid-90s electronics!
Walking outside, Kyle couldn't help but crack a smile at the shameless and gaudy "Dick's House" sign across the street. On the other hand, his own home's "Kyle's House" sign was admittedly just as cringe worthy. Briefly ducking back inside, he told 'mom' that she might want to consider taking that one down, especially now that he was supposed to be striking out on his own. With that done, Kyle began to explore this odd little town.
Fifteen minutes later, Kyle had learned that he was in Pallet Town, that this world had a bizarre fetish for putting up wildly unnecessary signs, that somehow the world's dialup-era technology was capable of actually storing Pokemon in addition to the potion he'd accidentally 'downloaded', that Pokemon were primarily used for blood-sport (and this was considered morally acceptable), that Dick had a totally smoking hot older sister, that the town contained two residents who apparently had no home or family whatsoever but simply wandered around outside indefinitely, and that he was supposed to find that Professor Oak fellow in order to kick off his mission. But Oak proved elusive, and mysteriously showed only when Kyle had given up and started to head out of town.
"Where were you?" asked Kyle. "I looked literally everywhere within the city limits!"
"Some things aren't meant to be known," Oak replied, "like why I'll forever leave, Pokeball unopened, the third remaining Pokemon on the table instead of giving it to someone who could actually use it." His voice then suddenly became a lot more frantic and maniacal. "Some day, you'll come to me begging for that last Pokemon, or at least begging me to give it to someone else - anybody else - so you could at least trade for it. And when that happens," he said as a horrifyingly devilish smirk spread across his face "I will blankly refuse and not even pretend to advance an adequate reason why. It makes absolutely no sense, but sometimes in the world (or this world at least) you've got no choice but to surrender and accept utter irrationality." After saying this, Oak's instantly snapped back into his non-evil mode. "Ahem, so as I was saying, let's get to my lab."
"So let me get this straight – I'm supposed to choose between a foam-breathing turtle, a fire-breathing lizard, or a dinosaur Chia Pet?"
"That is indeed your choice Kyle."
"And then I'm supposed to leave Pallet Town and use my new mutant reptile friend to defend myself when other Pokemon attack?"
"I'd say you've got the concept down."
"OK, you've got to help me out here, because I'm sure I must be missing something. Why are wild Pokemon going to be attacking me?"
"That's a good question," admitted Professor Oak, "I think mostly it's because they're just jerks, but your guess is as good as mine."
"You're the freaking leading authority on Pokemon," shouted Kyle, "surely you've done some sort of behavioral research!"
"Some things," Oak replied with visible relish, "aren't meant to be known."
Kyle wasn't interested in seeing maniacal!Oak again, so he decided to drop the issue and choose his starter. "By the way, thanks for offering to let me choose first Dick."
"Oh believe me," said Dick, a little too happily, "I wouldn't have it any other way."
Kyle chose Squirtle, and Dick immediately followed by picking Bulbasaur. Kyle turned to leave the lab, but before he could take a step, Dick tackled him.
"You ain't going nowhere sucka! We're having some hardcore grass on water action first!"
"Dick," said Kyle, only barely suppressing an indomitable urge to punch him, "that is the most wrong thing I've heard anyone say all morning – and believe me, the competition is tough! But I really, really, really don't feel like having a Pokemon battle right now."
"KYLE!" thundered Oak, "when a trainer challenges you to a battle you are required by 893 years of unbroken tradition to accept!"
"What if it's obvious that I'm going to lose, and it will only bring my Pokemon pain?"
"Tradition," Oak said as gravely as he knew how, "is tradition."
Whatever – he'd have this one little battle to mollify Oak and Dick now and dwell upon how effed up this game world was later. Kyle sent out Squirtle and Oak informed him that it could tackle or tail whip. For his first few turns, Kyle ordered tail whip, while Dick had Bulbasaur tackle. It wasn't long before Squirtle looked about ready to drop, while Bulbasaur still appeared to be in perfect condition.
What a useless move – why in the world would anyone want to use tail whip? I'm using tackle from now on. Dick meanwhile, was laughing. "Unless you've got some secret potion up your sleeve, this battle's about to be over!" His mouth dropped open when Kyle, making the connection, produced the potion from his backpack. Three tackles later, Dick's Bulbasaur fainted, causing Kyle to gasp in horror.
"I've killed it."
"Haha, of course not!" laughed Oak. He slipped some strange medicine in Bulbasaur's mouth, and instantly, it sprang back to life like nothing had happened. Dick collected Bulbasaur, and briskly headed out, embarrassed by his loss.
"Pokemon don't die in battles," explained Oak, "they only faint, and a Max Revive tablet or a Pokemon center will restore them to perfect health. But, I must say, your concern is very reasonable. Why don't they die? Given the violence of the battles they're involved in, they really ought to. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. But, my dear Kyle, as you've hopefully learned by now, there are some things…"
"…which aren't meant to be known" finished Kyle. "I got it."
"Now you're catching on! Oh, and before I forget, there's something that I'd like you to take with you as you travel to Viridian." Oak handed Kyle a tape recorder. Inside was a cassette which bore the strange instructions 'play only when heading toward Viridian City.'
"Let me make you a promise: as difficult as this day has probably been for you, listening to this song will more than make up for it."
Heading north on Route 1, Kyle apprehensively turned on the tape recorder, and heard what can only be described as the absolute pinnacle of 1990s awesomeness. And for the first time all day, Professor Oak began to grow on him.
(to be continued)