The Prologue
Consider this an experiment, because everyone loves an overpowered Naruto for no logical reason. My theory is that as long is Naruto is not as pathetic as he is when canon starts no one else will care if he's still fairly weak on the totem pole. But everyone has humble beginnings, the fight with Haku being Naruto's, and you'll see exactly how "amazing" he'll be when the chunin exam starts.
There's more explanation at the bottom if you need it. To top it off, I'm starting right at Wave and this is the only Kakashi-centric chapter as the introduction.
"Huuuah," Naruto whined like a puppy. "Kakashi-sensei, why is it so boring?"
Team Seven's teacher had his nose stuck into his book, and ignored his student's complaints. He had lots of practicing blowing off Gai, and this smaller, blonder, and equally unacknowledged student of his was significantly easier to ignore; although, his voice was far more grating on the genius's ears.
Naruto huffed and looked away like he didn't care if his sensei answered or not. It didn't matter to him what that washed out pervert thought of him, or if he payed attention to him. No way!
Kakashi smiled behind his mask; he was so easy to read.
But it did matter, even if Naruto didn't acknowledge that feeling in him. "Sensei!" he moaned, his pitch rising an octave.
The change in pitch certainly mattered to Kakashi; he hadn't heard an annoying dulcet voice that focussed on receiving his attention since he had fangirls. The experienced shinobi spent a moment lamenting their lack now that they had developed into attractive women with sultry tones; he knew Icha Icha was a mistake, but the option of getting rid of the fangirls attracted to his tragic past and stoicness was too appealing (at the time) to pass up.
"Seeenseeii…" Naruto whined, high in tone and drawn out.
That had to stop.
He idly meandered his right hand to his weapons pouch, seriously contemplating stabbing his student while carrying his novel with his left hand. He decided against it (the paperwork and Sandaime-sama's disapproval proving a big enough deterrent), and instead reached for his spare Icha Icha novel and pulled it out.
"Here," he stated in a bland tone as he presented the novel to Naruto. "Multitasking while reading is an important shinobi skill." Indeed it was. Most people left their guard down while reading anything, but Kakashi had trained his awareness to be at its peak, through pavlovian conditioning, while reading.
"It will also keep you from being bored," he continued dismissively, bringing his right hand up to turn a page when his student took the book from his hand.
Naruto stared skeptically at the porn. "Did you really think I'm gonna buy that, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked (rhetorically, since Kakashi had no intention of answering). "This isn't an awesome jutsu, how will this help me be a better ninja?"
His desire to improve himself is the only positive thing about him… Kakashi mused, his thoughts tainted by hours of high pitched whining.
Sakura interjected with a snort of her own. "Well, you might finally learn how to read," she trailed off. It made for a sceptic sounding statement casting doubt on Naruto's desire to learn anything, especially reading.
"Hey! I can read just fine!" Naruto retorted hotly, indignation seeping through his being. "Why do you have to be so mean Sakura-chan?"
Thump. Cry of pain. "Baka! Don't call me that!" the kunoichi shouted, her face red and fist outstretched.
The rest of team seven and their client didn't even break pace, so Naruto had to pick himself off the ground and catch up several seconds later.
"Why not?" Naruto groused, his left hand rubbing the side of his head. "It's not like Sasuke ever will…"
Kakashi winced at his student's grievous error, proving he was still paying attention. Fangirls and teenage girls in love were in a constant state of denial, and bringing any evidence to the contrary brought only pain.
"Cha!" She shouted to compliment her brutal uppercut. Kakashi found himself complimenting her textbook form and surprising strength. The way Naruto lifted up the ground and did several involuntary backflips made him think that she might be worth teaching after all.
The genius didn't miss the flash of respect in Sasuke's eyes after that punch. Apparently, like most shinobi, he was attracted to powerful women capable of beating the chakra out of him (but not actually getting harmed).
"So what do you say Sasuke? Do you wanna go-"
"No," he refuted, the small flicker of respect draining away.
Kakashi found himself blinking (winking?) at the pink afterimage his female student made. After a brief panic attack (Oh Sage- Hiraishin!), the silver-haired man just shrugged, dismissed it as a supernatural power of fangirls, and went back to reading.
Naruto peeled himself off the dirt a second time, and caught up in short order just to see Sakura sulking. "It's okay Sakura-chan," he comforted by putting a hand on her shoulder, "Even if you're violent, no one else loves you, and always have small boobs I'll always love you!" he declared.
Kakashi blinked. He could have sworn Jiraiya spent no time around the blonde jinchuuriki, but maybe he was wrong? Chakra imprinting from while he was in Kushina's womb?
"Naruto…" Sakura muttered quietly. Once more, Kakashi found himself impressed; her killing intent was awfully impressive. What was it with kunoichi that turned them into monsters once they were unfettered by the chains of society?
Oh, wait. He just answered his own question. The lack of social pressure allowed them to show who they really were among people they trusted.
…
Kakashi blinked. He held his Icha Icha novel like one might hold a viper, by the neck and ready to squeeze. Obviously, Jiraiya had snuck in too much sappy romance (he was getting old) and it was affecting the way he thought. At this rate he might get married!
Kakashi distracted himself from that (horrible, terrible, and awfully awful) daunting train of thought.
"Maa, Sakura-chan, do you know where Naruto-chan is?" he asked blandly. Just where would he be? His refined chakra senses were entirely incapable of sensing him. That was bad, because they reached nearly a mile out.
Sakura flushed crimson all the way down to her neck in embarrassment. She pointed forward in lieu of an answer.
In front of them was an orange speck intent on making impact with the horizon. If he focussed chakra to his ears Kakashi knew he could hear him. He didn't; Naruto's voice was not very pleasing.
"Good job Sakura-chan! But if he lost my book you're paying for a new one," he replied, his response very mellow. Sakura probably thought he was going to punish her, or something equally silly.
"Bu-but sensei!" she protested. "Everyone would see me buy it and-" her voice became noticeably quieter, "they might think it was for me, and won't believe me when I say I'm getting it for you…"
"I'm sure Sandaime-sama will believe me when I inform him that it was, in fact, you who launched your teammate to the horizon?" Kakashi retorted flatly.
He would if the Hatake Clan Head would tell them that Naruto pulled a Jiraiya. Sarutobi had the bad habit of thinking all kunoichi were as scary as Tsunade.
"S-sorry sensei…" she muttered weakly. Kakashi blinked; he wasn't used to ninja with parents, and thusly were cowed by verbal rebuke. He even found himself supporting the idea of parenthood. Maybe if Minato-sensei, and Kushina, were still alive Naruto might shut up on command.
Certainly not his own parenthood though. A tightly kept secret was that among Kakashi's 1,345 jutsu 42 of them were contraceptive ones. Because there was nothing more horrifying than a small, needy, and whiny mutated piece of crusty sperm that he was legally obligated to support and care for. Watching over Naruto as an ANBU had absolutely nothing to do with his revulsion to children, not at all.
The experienced shinobi did notice Sasuke's massive blush after Sakura's last haymaker. Apparently, the ability to launch Naruto into the sky for justifiable purposes were attractive to more than just him.
"Maa maa Sakura-chan, it's fine. You might even start a trend!" he finished with an eye-smile.
"Sensei!" she retorted as she flushed red once again.
He continued the eye-smile (no one appreciated the effort it took to move just his lower eyelids); his two genin were just too cute. The third was just annoying, and he'd probably wind up as Hokage someday.
He could see it now…
"Congratulations on finally becoming Hokage, Naruto-sama," he said with his eye-smile. Kakashi was constantly looking for traps and mapped the best way to escape the Hokage's office.
"Thank you, sensei," Naruto smiled, the spitting image of Minato-sensei. "Fuin!"
Damn it! An Uzumaki paralysis jutsu! Not only was he trapped, but he was reminded of the angst he had to deal with when Naruto finally found out who his parents were.
"Sensei, you do know that you're the last Hatake right?" Naruto asked, finally learning how to make rhetorical questions now that he was no longer an insufferable teenager. "The Hatake's are the only clan down to one member you know?"
That was true, he mused. Sasuke and Sakura were destroying training grounds and screwing like rabbits in equal measure, and they had popped out three helions he did his best to avoid.
Kakashi sent a pleading look to the ANBU he knew was in the corner, but couldn't see. There was a noticeable lack of response. Did his time as an ANBU captain mean nothing to them? Couldn't they have mercy on their old superior?
….
Apparently he'd forgotten that he was a relentless, sadistic captain; and, his old subordinates hated him.
"Have you heard of the CRA?"
Yes.
No.
No, no, no.
No. No. No. No. No.
...
He couldn't do this to him, his sensei!
Kakashi struggled against the sealing jutsu he was caught in. Fine, maybe he could. But he wouldn't, he was Naruto's beloved and trusted sensei!
Who was completely horrible to him, no matter how much he helped the ungrateful brat grow.
Sage why?!
"So, I got a trio of triplets who volunteered…"
Were they hot? Wait, no. This wasn't happening. Nevermind the impossible chance of having a foursome with triplets.
"And they all know the split in three jutsu."
No. Not that Jutsu. Anything but that. The jutsu that guaranteed the chance of triplets. With three women that was...
That was…
Nine children. Nine! All of them screaming, squawking, whining, and calling him 'tou-san'!
"And by the Hokage's decree you're no longer allowed to wear that mask. Have a nice retirement, sensei!"
Kakashi slumped as he was dragged away by three women as his mask was removed.
At least they were hot.
"Sensei! Sensei!" Sakura shouted.
Kakashi mentally brushed that disturbing vision from his head. He blamed the clarity on Obito's faulty eye. That must've been the reason why all the Uchiha went insane. Really, they should all thank Itachi.
"Oh, did you say something Sakura-chan?"
Her scowl was horribly cute, and Kakashi didn't know how to feel about that. "I said, what are we going to do about Naruto?"
Stab him to death so that impossible vision remained just so, impossible. Maybe just cut off both his legs. The Hokage couldn't be legless could he?
But with Naruto's luck he'd find Tsunade or some ridiculous way around that limitation. It was probably best to be safe to kill, and then cremate, him.
He usually wasn't bloodthirsty; but, the idea of killing Naruto was very cathartic: a balm on his blackened soul.
"We'll wait and see if he makes it back," Kakashi replied flippantly.
"Gee, I hope you care about me more than that sensei," she retorted darkly.
It was his duty as her sensei to tease her, prey on her worst insecurities, and make her give off that adorable squawk of indignation. "I'm sorry, what was your name again?"
Yup, that's the one. Like a baby chick denied its worm. "Sensei!"
Out of the corner of his eye, Kakashi noticed the look of concern in Sasuke's eyes. That was cute, despite not acknowledging Naruto he still cared. If he was a more sentimental man he would've let out a tear to see his relationship with Gai repeated in the younger generation.
But he wasn't sentimental; he was an experienced, jaded, and cynical shinobi. That meant he would have to tease him mercilessly instead. "Ne Sasuke-kun, are you worried about him or trying to unlock your sharingan?"
Kakashi gave that comment his personal approval. It preyed on the inferiority complex Itachi gave him (and everyone else, except Kakashi), and the heart he was actively trying to repress at Itachi's bidding.
Honestly, Sasuke was just so silly. Listening to his older brother even after he killed their entire family? That was just weird. The advice he was following was even sillier. "Your hate must equal mine" and all that nonsense.
Well, nobody but him (Itachi's old captain) knew of Itachi's grand ambition. He wanted to be the stereotypical villain. That one overpowered villain who inspires greater fear than the shinigami, the villain with ambiguous morals and purpose, and that one villain everyone can't help but love (and write fanfiction with the protagonist about).
He had succeeded on all counts, Kakashi noted. Maybe he decided to be a bit greedy and play a double agent as well, with a side of suicidal self-repentance. Itachi was good enough to pull that off.
As it was, he was probably having the time of his life munching on pocky; whereas, Kakashi was babysitting his angsty younger brother and two other brats. Totally not fair.
"I'm just worried he'll have lost more brain cells," Sasuke muttered in reply.
He spoke! For the first time this mission! Kakashi mentally patted himself on the back; he was making real progress.
"I'm sure we won't notice despite Sakura-chan's best attempts at knocking them out of him. Ne Sakura-chan, do you think he's a pinata?"
Sakura blushed hotly, but to Kakashi's disappointment didn't let out any cute noises. Sasuke blushed as well, most likely to the mental image of Sakura knocking a trussed up Naruto around a tree like a tetherball.
Well, that certainly was an erotic image. He would get his odd attraction to his genin student looked at, but he'd had worse mental conditions he hadn't gone in for. In retrospect, he probably should have gone to therapy. Right now, he should go to therapy. But he really didn't want to.
Tazuna bemoaned the fact that he didn't bring enough alcohol. He was nowhere near drunk enough to deal with shinobi.
Itachi was sitting in a room with some of the most terrifying S-ranked nin since the formation of the hidden villages. The room was darkly lit with looming shadows, and the polished wooden table in front of them glowed from the fine finish of red oak. They were all wearing black cloaks with ominous red clouds on them, and sinister facial features were plastered on every member.
The Akatsuki. Itachi's dream organization.
"Kakuzu, report on finances," Leader-sama stated, his voice cold and detached.
"As well as can be expected. We're constantly losing money to buy leads, but we also gain respectable amounts from the difficulty of missions," he replied.
Leader-sama didn't even bother to nod. "Sasori, what can you tell us about Orochimaru's recent actions?"
The Akatsuki did not take betrayal lightly.
"He has been bouncing between three locations: the Eastern Sea, the Land of Rice Paddies, and Kusagakure. Nothing confirmed about his actions among the former two. The latter, he has been known to pick up orphans from the streets. The trend among these children are rare bloodlines, presumably because Kusagakure's brothels are renown. Questionable leads of Orochimaru spending time in Kirigakure have arisen, and require further investigation. The conflict in water country is optimal for picking up rare bloodlines and hiding, making these questionable leads probable."
Leader-sama considered this information. "Kisame, Sasori. You are partnered for the duration of this mission. Investigate these rumors. Report back in person two weeks at the latest."
Kisame grunted; Sasori did not react.
"Leader-sama," Sasori spoke, voice dull and jaw clicking like a wind-up toy. "Intelligence is limited the closer to Hi no Kuni. Jiraiya's intelligence network is immense, and limits information even in Ame itself."
Itachi allowed a feeling of smugness to suffuse his being, just for a moment.
Pein nodded, and the Uchiha knew the case was closed. Sasori and Leader-sama had numerous parallels. Both of them controlling false bodies, their logical manner of thought, and rebellious nature.
Itachi snuck a stick of pocky into his mouth with all of the stealth skills of an S-ranked nin. The only one who noticed was Konan, with a glimmer of mirth in her eyes. The rest of her face remained impassive, and Itachi felt better knowing at least one other person was partially sane.
Itachi swallowed, and broke the silence with his voice. "The Kyuubi Jinchuuriki is presumably on a genin squad with Uchiha Sasuke, a kunoichi, and Sharingan Kakashi."
Leader-sama tilted his head to look at Itachi face to face. Itachi slipped another pocky into his mouth, a classic chocolate. "Explain."
Itachi swallowed once more, and he ignored Konan's incredulous look. "Konoha places one academy team per graduation like so: Rookie and Kunoichi of the year, and the dead last. Konoha favors 2:1 ratios of male to female. My brother will have Hatake Kakashi as his jounin sensei for obvious purposes."
Hidan snorted, tired of being silent. "So the Kyuubi fucker is the dead last."
"That is not something to complain about," Kakuzu stated.
"Indeed," Leader-sama stated, stopping the chatter that would start up shortly. "Itachi, tell me about Hatake Kakashi."
Itachi swallowed once more, and ignored Konan's open jaw just barely visible above the collar of her cloak. "Kakashi is dangerous. Officially he is an A-ranked nin, but that is because he lacks firepower in his jutsu. I have little doubt he could assassinate the majority of this room and be in Konoha by daybreak."
It was nighttime. All secret meetings with an evil organization had to be done by the light of the moon. It would be just tacky otherwise. Itachi was immensely glad this was a professional organization who knew how to be evil; it would be disappointing if Itachi's first evil organization was his second one.
"You would assess-" Itachi took three sticks of pocky at once, he was feeling greedy, "-Hatake's covert threat level the same as Jiraiya's?" Leader-sama asked to clarify.
There was a noticeable pause as Itachi chewed his pocky stealthily with chakra through the tenketsu in his mouth. He swallowed and ignored Konan's facepalm as he replied. "Yes."
That was considerably scary to the rest of the room. Jiraiya had knowledge in senjutsu, ninjutsu, and stealth that would allow him to wipe through much of the Akatsuki with ease. He was considerably less frightening to face head-on.
That didn't say much though. No one wanted to face him directly either.
"Deidara, Hidan, Kakuzu, Sasori. Eliminate Hatake Kakashi and kidnap the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki during their first out of village mission. Itachi, Kisame, Zetsu. You have been reassigned to investigate Kirigakure."
The Akatsuki members retreated swiftly and silently, their objectively amazing cloaks swishing along the floor. Itachi remained seated.
Konan met his eyes and sighed, her emotionless facade dropping. "You are ridiculous," she stated factually.
Itachi smiled his bishounen smile at her, the bottom half of it concealed by his high collar. Perhaps he could seduce her, pry the darkest secrets of the organization out of her, and betray the Akatsuki.
His level of villainy would rise at least three levels from such a masterful ploy.
Konan blushed lightly, and Itachi's charming smile turned sinister. He could just imagine the camera slowly panning before the screen went black, leaving the watcher with eager anticipation.
His sharingan activated, painting The Paper Angel's flustered visage forever in his mind.
Red eyes gleamed as they captured the light of the moon.
Ah, Kakashi thought as he rolled his shoulder. This is nice.
They had caught up to Naruto, who looked decidedly miffed. He sulked in a figurative corner, as much as their protection detail allowed. He was broody, had the expression of a kicked puppy, and was quiet.
The lone jounin smiled behind his mask, and decided to do something nice for Sakura sometime later.
Since then Naruto had picked up the Icha Icha book he'd received earlier and was reading it, stumbling over the uneven road occasionally. Kakashi had noticed Sakura wanted to bash the blonde genin's head in for reading porn, but was too relieved that he had shut up and decided to leave him be.
Sasuke looked mildly interested in an object that caused his female teammate that much rage. Kakashi didn't doubt that he'd find the Uchiha reading Icha Icha soon enough in order to inspire Sakura's hot fury.
The last Hatake could see his angsty students simplistic line of thought easily. The orange book turns her into a superhuman monster rather than a fangirl. The starting of puberty, and the general oddness of shinobi in general, attracted him to the superhuman monster.
"S-s-sensei!" Naruto shouted, sounding horribly scandalized. "H-how can you read this?!"
Team seven's sensei was unperturbed. "You're blushing, aren't you?" 'And walking funny…'
"No! No I'm…" Naruto trailed off; he was incapable of making a lie that blatant. He then snapped the book shut instead of sputtering denials. The orange novel was hanging by the side of his thigh, put out of sight and mind.
Kakashi didn't miss the way Naruto's arm twitched and eyes strayed towards the smut.
"That's right Naruto," Sakura intruded smugly, "that book is nothing but trouble."
Naruto looked like he wanted to defend the book, for no discernable reason besides being himself. Kakashi assumed it was that odd sense of false pride his student had. Perhaps some weird thought process connecting becoming the Hokage and never making a mistake?
Naruto was weird.
To everyone's surprise, Sasuke spoke up. "Are you sure? It's written by a legend."
Ah, that was Sasuke's goal. To rile up Sakura into that fierce, fiery temper. If he was thirteen, Kakashi acknowledged he'd probably think Sakura's anger was attractive as well. As it was, her fury was cute; however, there was this odd sense that the other shoe would drop and the footprint it left would spell 'Tsunade Mark Two'.
"Sasuke!" Sakura screamed. "How…"
A scream of inarticulate fury leapt out of the pink-haired girl's throat as her face flushed red with anger. Her crush on Sasuke was conflicting with her pride as a female, and the result was unaimed, all-consuming rage.
Sasuke blushed.
Naruto, oblivious to Sakura's plight (and a lot of other things too), interjected. "Wait! Who wrote these books?" He was staring at the front cover, as his eyes traced the odd pen-name Jiraiya used."The Gallant Toad?"
Kakashi reached into his weapon (book?) pouch once more and pulled out his bingo book. He flipped through the pages, fluttering through A to J, and stopped on the legendary shinobi. He handed the book to Naruto.
Sakura abandoned her rage for the moment to peer over Naruto's left shoulder, while Sasuke loomed behind his right. Kakashi subtly pulled up his headband, because the moment was picturesque and their reactions would be hilarious. All of it the latter, because the former meant he was getting attached to the brats.
"Jiraiya, the Toad Sage," Naruto repeated, his face dumbfounded. "Whoa…"
"Sinker of cities," Sakura recited.
"Destroyer of armies," Sasuke intoned.
Kids were weird, Kakashi realized as his students fell into a pattern of repeating one line they'd read.
"Student of Sandaim-jiji?" Naruto said.
"Survived against Salamander Hanzou?" Sakura asked.
Sasuke didn't say anything, but flipped the pages forward to the S section. The page landed open on one of the most infamous shinobi in recent memory.
"Whoa…" they all repeated, even Sasuke, as one.
Their reactions weren't all that surprising. Salamander Hanzou was impressive enough during the second shinobi war that Ame was completely untouched, creating an odd space in the middle of the continent where no shinobi travelled.
"Why didn't they tell us about this guy in the academy?" Naruto demanded. "I would've totally paid attention!"
Kakashi blinked, honestly shocked. "They didn't teach you about Salamander Hanzou?" He was a man so powerful that he'd shaped history by himself. The idea that he was left out of the academy curriculum was ludicrous, but apparently true.
"Wait, wait, what?!" Naruto shouted. "That Jiraiya guy barely survived with his two teammates helping? Were they losers or something?"
"Shut up dobe. They were just as strong," Sasuke refuted quietly.
Sakura nodded in agreement, her chin hitting Naruto's shoulder, as they walked as long. She flipped the pages to the more convenient T section, and revealed the two pages on Tsunade.
Sasuke blushed again, and Kakashi remembered that her picture in the bingo book had halfway destroyed clothes hanging off her shoulders, and an expression of abject fury contorted onto her face.
"Destroyed a mountain in a single punch…" Sasuke stated, his voice weak and his cheeks going a shade darker.
There was a moment of silence as Naruto and Sakura read the profile, and his third student ogled the picture of Tsunade.
"So who was the last guy?" Naruto asked curiously.
They paused to shuffle some pages about before revealing a creepy picture of Orochimaru.
"Eww," Sakura and Naruto said together.
Naruto quickly flipped the page and it showed some chunin from Takigakure. "That guy was seriously freaky," he muttered.
Sakura flipped the page back to the Snake Sannin. "Freaky, but powerful."
"Don't forget a traitor to Konoha as well!" Kakashi chimed in, his voice too chipper to be anything but mocking.
His students didn't even peel their eyes from the book; Kakashi pouted.
"He ate someone?!" Naruto shouted loudly.
They mutually decided to flip the page from Orochimaru, and Sasuke flipped the pages to the U section. There was just one page on himself.
It read:
Name: Uchiha Sasuke, The Last (Easily Obtainable) Uchiha
Rank: D, Genin
Affiliation: Konoha
Bounty: 200,000,000 Iwa- Alive, 200,200,000 Kumo- Alive, (Rumored 1,000,000,000 Sound- Alive)
Skills: Academy graduate, Basic Three Jutsu, Low ranked fire jutsu, high genin level taijutsu (Interceptor Fist).
Notable accomplishments/kills: None
Notes: Hasn't unlocked kekkei genkai (sharingan)- worthless dead. Breeding age. Approach with caution: jounin sensei Hatake Kakashi (see profile).
"Wow…" Naruto said. "You're not worthless after all."
Sasuke grimaced, but said nothing.
"Sensei?" Sakura piped up. "Do you know what Hidden Sound village is?"
Kakashi shrugged as he pulled his forehead protector over Obito's eye once more; his genin might finally pay attention to him. "There are only rumors. Mostly it seems to be a collection of people with kekkei genkai that have fled Kiri's bloodline purges, and their village is completely hidden if they exist. The daimyos have no records of giving missions to these people, so logically they don't exist because there's no money. Most people assume the Billion ryo they offer is false. Still, there's so many rumors that it's best to assume it exists."
Like hell he was telling his students that Orochimaru was running the village; he hadn't even told Sandaime-sama, much less three genin. Besides, they were creeped out enough by his photo, if they knew Orochimaru was legitimately offering a billion ryo for Sasuke…
Well, anyone would be creeped out if Orochimaru had that much an interest in them.
"So if they do exist, they'd want Sasuke because he's an Uchiha?" Sakura asked.
"That sounds about right," Kakashi shrugged.
"Whoa…" Naruto muttered. Apparently he had flipped the page to the next entry, Uchiha Itachi.
Name: Uchiha Itachi, The Bloody Kinslayer
Rank: S, Missing Nin
Affiliation: Formerly Konoha
Bounty: 500,000,000 (+1 sharingan) Konoha- Dead or Alive, (Rumored: 1,000,000,000 Sound- Alive).
Skills: Mastery of shuriken-jutsu, kenjutsu (Uchiha Clan with hints of Hatake Clan styles), and taijutsu (Interceptor Fist), Up to S-rank Fire Jutsu, Up to A-rank Lightning jutsu, Up to B-rank Water Jutsu, Up to A-rank Wind jutsu, Up to B-rank Earth jutsu, Shadow Clone jutsu, Great Clone Explosion jutsu, sharingan-enhanced mastery of genjutsu, raven summoning contract (flight), and perfect acting ability.
Notable Accomplishments/Kills: Massacred all but one Uchiha, Uchiha Sasuke (see bingo book issue 273 for more details), eliminated Iwa's 4th bomber core (see issue 268), and earliest sharingan awakening since Uchiha Madara (see issue 7).
Notes: Run away with extreme prejudice. Rumored to be A-sexual.
Naruto flipped between the two pages with interest. "That's the guy your 'ambition is to kill'?" Naruto asked. "Kakashi-sensei? What's the difference between a D-rank and an S-rank?"
"Well," Kakashi began, moving one lazy eye to rest on Sasuke before sliding back to Naruto. "Ranks are decided by the ability to take out shinobi of a lower rank with ease. For example, a C-ranked nin would be able to defeat you three without issue."
"So the difference between a D-ranked ninja, and an S-ranked is… the ability to defeat elite jounin without issue," Sakura completed.
"Exactly," Kakashi said, punctuating his confirmation with an eye-smile.
"That's a big gap," Sakura stated, her eyes flickering over Naruto's head to Sasuke.
"Exactly," Kakashi confirmed. "Once Sasuke-kun can defeat me without issue then he could face Itachi."
Sasuke, trembling with poorly contained fury, nodded.
"You're welcome to try anytime we're not on a mission Sasuke-kun," Kakashi placated, adding an eye-smile for additional effect.
The last (easily obtainable) Uchiha huffed, and looked away.
"Sensei? What does 'run away with extreme prejudice' mean?"
He turned his eye-smile on Naruto. "It means that the people who wrote the Bingo Book have odd senses of humor."
Naruto squinted at his sensei. "You should really cover both eyes with the amount you keep it closed."
Naruto's faceplant was completely coincidental, and was obviously the world compensating for his annoyance with pain. It was for that reason that Kakashi took no enjoyment in the way that Naruto scraped dirt off of his tongue.
"Y'know, he might be right sensei," Sakura stated doubtfully, bracing herself for the strike she was certain would come.
"Did you say something?" he retorted spitefully.
Sasuke snorted before retreating into his shell once more.
Tazuna was inspecting some mushrooms he'd found on the side of the road. He may be out of alcohol, but he might get lucky and find some hallucinogens.
Kakashi cast some super powerful genjutsu and immediately proceeded to hide his chakra. The result was that he was visible only to his genin and the client, and the two people hiding in the puddle weren't aware of his presence.
He wanted to see how his students were doing, and this seemed like a fairly good test. Normally two chunin versus three genin resulted in three dead genin, but his students were special. They might even be able to win, maybe.
Doubtfully.
It seemed that without a jounin present the two ninja abandoned the idea of an ambush, and slid up from the puddle slowly and dramatically. Chunin were always weird like that; the habit was beaten out of them before they could become jounin.
One of the weird looking ninja looked at the other dismayed. "Why is it we can never find some pretty woman, with lovely breasts, that doesn't look like a child."
Killing Intent crackled through the air.
The other shinobi nodded in agreement. "I know. It's like we've been hit by a loli curse or something. This one even has pink hair."
"And a freakishly large forehead," the First added.
"And a freakishly large forehead," number Two agreed.
The Killing Intent was making it hard to breathe, even for Kakashi.
The two missing Kiri nin ignored it somehow. "Why is it that we can never find a woman with brains and breasts? It's always one or the other."
Number Two nodded sagely. "All the same, it'd be nice if some of that forehead could go to her breasts. She'd look rather nice rather than hideous then."
The Killing Intent that poured through the air like syrup suddenly seemed to affect the duo, as they froze. Kakashi facepalmed.
"Shannaro!"
"There there Sakura-chan," Kakashi said. There was someone hugging him, touching him, and making him act and feel paternal. He didn't know how to handle it. He was handling it poorly. He wanted her to stop touching, stop crying, and go back to the cute little Sakura he knew and teased.
She mumbled something undecipherable into his chest, squeezed him tighter with her thin arms, and another series of sobs wracked her body.
Kakashi met Sasuke's eyes, and he molded the chakra within him to perform a quick substitution with the slightly curious Uchiha. He stopped abruptly; there was something in that onyx gaze which prevented him from going through with the idea. At least he hoped there was; otherwise, that'd mean he wanted to comfort Sakura and act paternal.
Ack, he thought as she squeezed tighter.
Kakashi's logical side of his genius (unlike his emotional ignorance) presented a solution. "Here," he offered, untangling Sakura's arms from his waist. "I have something to show you."
He bit his thumb, blurred through a couple hand seals, and slammed his hand on the ground. "Summoning jutsu."
A large, fluffy dog appeared. Kakashi redirected Sakura on top of the ninken with a slight nudge, and she buried her face into the fur without hesitation. Her arms came to cling to the dog.
Sakura looked like she wanted to try an odd variant of mutton busting, with some added trembling and tears.
I don't want to do this, the look in the ninken's eyes said.
Too bad, Kakashi's retorted.
He locked eyes with Sasuke, and without a crying kunoichi in his arms he could come up with brilliant, teasing schemes once again. The Last Hatake waggled his eyebrows and made some suggestive looks between the pink-haired girl and her crush.
Sasuke hesitated, but Sakura's earlier actions impressed him enough to go through with it. "Sakura, why are crying?"
Well, that wasn't going to win him any points. Well, maybe it would; Kakashi didn't know. All of his experience with women all pertained to seducing them.
Sakura lifted a teary face from the dog's fur. "I killed two people!" she shouted before immediately becoming more demure. "I killed two people…"
"That's our job," Sasuke stated. "You heard what they said as well. You were protecting yourself and our client."
"But they killed people too," she bawled. "How does this make me any better than them?"
Kakashi took everything nice he said about parents back. Instilling a love for all people was a non-functional idea in the shinobi world. Maybe Naruto would prank her parents if he requested it…
"Your intent was to protect. Theirs was to kill."
Sakura gasped once in a silent sob before replying. "But I didn't want to protect. I wanted to hurt them, I wanted them to shut up, and I wanted them gone."
Sasuke blushed at the image of a blood-covered Sakura before regaining his wits. "We'll deal with that next time, but this time you did the right thing."
Kakashi wanted to gag at that idealist placation, but decided that a functional Sakura who didn't touch him and cry was the better option.
"Thank you, Sasuke-kun," she said with a tear-stained smile before burying her face into fur once more. "This ninken is so fluffy," she said with a muffled voice.
Please get her off, the summon's eyes pleaded.
Ahh, no, Kakashi's replied.
"Wait, how is Naruto still alive?" Sakura asked, her face dry after wiping it all off in fluffy fur.
Sasuke froze. That was a good question, and once Kakashi couldn't answer any of it truthfully.
Oh well. He was always a good liar.
Kakashi eye-smiled at them, it always made for a good distraction. "Haven't you always wondered why Naruto was in a class with clan heirs and, well, a girl with rich parents?"
Sakura's and Sasuke's' eyes met before returning their attention to their sensei. "No…"
"He has a rare kekkei genkai, and from what we figure out it gives him lots of chakra and a stronger body than anyone else."
"So if he had been anyone else…" Sakura trailed off, looking guilty again.
"Maa maa, it would've been fine. You didn't have enough chakra or control to do that when you were younger," the last Hatake dismissed with a wave of his hand.
"Where is he anyways?" Sakura asked, her voice returning to her. It was probably just because she was distracted rather than her moving past her guilt. It was good enough for the moment.
"Questioning his attraction to you?" Kakashi replied. "Washing himself off? Who knows…"
Kakashi walked off, leaving the two lovebirds to themselves. He had a stretch of road to clean.
Liquidized chunin were unsurprisingly quite messy.
Tazuna was chugging some sake at the speed of a man in a desert. He was so lucky the jounin had some sealed with him.
But still… he thought she was the harmless one…
"Ne Naruto-chan, are you alright?"
Blue. Those lustrous, azure agates stopped further teasing in his throat. Those were not Naruto's eyes. Those were the eyes of the Hokage hidden beneath him; they only showed when Naruto was completely honest with himself and others in equal measures.
"Sensei, why do we kill?"
That voice wasn't the whiny voice of an unnoticed child. Kakashi hadn't heard a voice that unguarded and sincere ever. He spent a moment lamenting the fact that it wasn't his voice all the time.
"You've heard it said before, that 'shinobi are tools', right?" Kakashi asked.
"Yeah, Mizuki said something like that sometimes. So does Iruka-sensei."
"Well, it's kind of true. But, it's also wrong."
Piercing eyes bored into his lone eye. "What do you mean, sensei?"
"Hmm. Well, let's use this kunai as an example," Kakashi said, pulling a kunai out of his weapon pouch.
In a flash of motion, the kunai was buried into a squirrel on a nearby tree.
"Sensei?" Naruto asked. He wasn't indignant, or demanding an answer in a way which would give attention. He trusted that his sensei wouldn't ignore him, and had a purpose.
Sage, he could hurt and damage Naruto so badly by just walking away without another word. The blonde jinchuuriki would reach his own conclusion with the words already spoken. All of his words were internalized and accepted with the way he was now.
Naruto was vulnerable. He was so very easy to hurt right now.
"How did the squirrel die Naruto-chan?"
A curious expression crossed the blonde's face as he dutifully answered. "You killed it, sensei."
"But I didn't. The kunai killed it."
"But that's also true sensei."
Ah, he caught on. Neither of the answers were false.
"So both the tool and the person are killers," Kakashi summarized.
"Right."
"So what happened this afternoon then? Did Sakura kill the chunin, or did her fist?"
"Both sensei," Naruto answered dutifully.
"But shinobi themselves are tools, so if Sakura and her fists are both tools then, who is the person?" Kakashi asked.
"Tazuna…" Naruto stated, his voice pensive.
"Now, I know this is difficult to imagine, but there are cities. Huge cities that are ten times, a hundred, times the size of Konoha, all without shinobi. All of those cities combine, and they're so much bigger than Konoha. Hmm, it's almost like Konoha would be the size of a kunai compared to the cities."
"You're saying Konoha is a tool?" Naruto asked, not accusatory but simply curious. "And those cities are the person. But why would those cities want a tool?"
Kakashi eye-smiled sadly, not that Naruto could decipher any emotion from his smile. "The same reason a ninja would want a tool."
"To kill things?"
How predictable. "Is that the only use of a kunai?"
He could see the gears turning inside of Naruto's head. "To do things you couldn't do without one."
What a perfect answer. "That's right. To cut people, trees, fruit. Those are all things a kunai can do but a person can't. Now, let's use the last example. If you set a trap, did you kill them, or did the trap?"
"Both sensei."
"But," Kakashi began, his tone of voice suggesting that Naruto's mind would be blown. "But what if you don't know if the trap went off. You can't see it, you can't hear it, and you didn't trigger the trap remotely."
"...It's still both sensei."
He held up one finger, non-verbally stating that destroying his perception of reality hadn't started yet. "But, because you didn't see or feel it it's much easier to tell yourself it was the trap, and not you."
Naruto's eyes widened.
"Now tell me why Konoha is a tool that the other cities want," Kakashi finished.
He could even see the flash of realization and brilliance in those blue eyes. They were like clear water, everything below the depths could be seen. "They want to kill people, but they don't want to feel bad like Sakura-chan."
"And because killing other people makes them feel bad, they don't kill each other. In other words, because of ninja they have peace. Every person you kill means there's hundreds of other people who don't have to."
"That's not fair sensei," Naruto declared in a small voice. He was probably realizing just how small he was in the world.
"Are you fair to a kunai?"
Naruto was silent for a moment. "What's the Hokage?" he asked.
"If the Hokage's duty is to serve Konoha, and Konoha is a tool…" Kakashi trailed off. Answers were always more important when discovered rather than given: even if the line between discovery and gift was blurred.
"The Hokage is the tool, of a tool…" Naruto realized, his voice small.
"Maa maa, tool is such a negative, impersonal term. Hokage is a job, not a person. An important job, but just a job. And that's why shinobi are not tools. Our work as a shinobi is to be a tool, but the people themselves aren't tools."
"Oh…"
"It's like… it's like weapon of the soul," Kakashi concluded.
That was why Kakashi was a genius, he could conclude a serious conversation with a cool jutsu. A cool jutsu that would help him understand the metaphor.
Genius.
"What's that sensei?" Naruto asked as he started bouncing. His eyes were brimming with excitement, but the openness was gone.
"Well, Sandaime-sama summons his boss summon: the Monkey King Enma-"
"Jiji can use this awesome jutsu? What rank is it anyway?" Naruto interjected.
"It's an S-rank jutsu," Kakashi stopped because he knew he was going to be cut off.
"Whoa…"
Kakashi smiled beneath his mask. What an excitable kid.
"So Enma is as good as an S-ranked ninja."
"Wait, you can summon things that awesome?"
"Yes. And weapon of the soul takes S-ranked Enma, and S-ranked Sandaime-sama and turns them into one shinobi."
"No way, that's like, like a double S-ranked shinobi!"
"Ah, that sounds about right…"
He was a good kid, if a bit annoying at times. You'd be proud of him Minato-sensei. He'll be the Hokage someday. Anyone who has spent a month with him can tell, but for now…
"A staff that can grow arms and throw people around?!" Naruto shouted, bouncing with excitement.
He's just a kid.
Minato felt the odd urge to sneeze; sneezing wasn't in the programming.
Ah, now there is a second camera. Hello.
Clearly his impulse to sneeze was just that silly anime superstition, and a mediocre fanfiction author was making light of that.
Minato focused on his fight once more, and ended it with one decisive blow of his sword. Beyond the fourth wall he could hear the complaint that had arisen.
"Man, he's so broken. Why doesn't he just get nerfed?"
In a previous life (the same one actually), he was known as "Wave-wind" and had hated Kumo with a passion before that. Now he was rather fond of Kumo; it was a good name.
Ah, have fun author-kun.
Introduction End.
Sorry for the Kakashi-centric chapter, it needed to be done. Naruto is a little too socially oblivious for Third Person Limited to show any different character development that the AU tag warrants.
Sorry for the Naruto-bashing, I guess? To be fair, Naruto is fairly pathetic before he learns the rasengan, but the fact that he survived Sakura's gigaton punch speaks well of his capabilities.
I went through canon again and decided that I couldn't write Sasuke correctly, and decided to add a fetish for violent women to the side. It even makes sense (kinda).
As for Kakashi, he pretended to be a carefree asshole with a side of porn addiction, because if you take someone emotionally broken like Sai, it would be fairly easy to get him to act like Kakashi. The premise here is "it's impossible to pretend without becoming" (I think that's Ender's Game), and Kakashi has officially 'become'.
Anyways, the premise behind this is because everyone is stupid overpowered, that "nobody" is stupidly overpowered. Except Minato, and in his little snippets he'll even recognize his MarySue-ness. There'll be more about him later. Just know that he's the most overpowered being to walk the planet.
Leave a review and tell me what you think, and how I should buff up some characters. I think it's going to be a struggle for me to write overpowered characters if they're not over-the-top like Minato.