It's been... too long...
I can't find her... I asked dad one day... I asked him where mom went. He only said she went on a trip. What trip? Mom never told me she was going away... for six years. Boy do I miss her... Dad misses her too.
I saw dad crying one time in his bedroom. He was holding a picture frame... I didn't know what it meant back then but I do now.
I miss mom... but how do I miss someone that I barely know?
It's been so long since that day. That one day. I only remember seeing her face once when I was so small. Ever since she left my dad barely gave a damn about me. He treated me as if I was invisible so I treated him the same way.
That's when I started smoking.
That's when I became one of the Yakuza.
I was a lucky guy... I got my ass kicked... seven times. I almost died twice. I was put in jail for being caught doing drugs but was bailed out by my best friend.
Yeah... I'm pretty lucky.
I forgot my name a long time ago. Everyone calls me 'kid'. I don't mind it but I wish I remembered my name...
I was born October 30th 1976. I'm currently 32 years old. I'm too scrawny to look 32, I look more like a twenty year old. My skin is very pale. I haven't had color on my face for years. My eyes had no hint of light. They're like my fathers. Venom yellow.
I look like I glare at everyone because I show no emotion, but out of all honesty I don't mean it. It's how I am.
My hair is all choppy and it all ends at my shoulders, except for the five inch bangs that I push to the side. It's naturally black with a hint of navy blue. Pin straight and silky smooth. I love it.
-----
"We gotta go collect today, Buddy."
"Yeah, I know. Today's Hell's Night, right?"
"Yep, get your pistol just in case."
-----
Buddy was my temporary name. I don't like it though, makes me feel like a stray mutt. I didn't really need my pistol, all I needed was a pack of cigarettes and a new lighter... and some ice cream couldn't hurt.
After we collected the money for tonight I sat in the park near the Yokohama Hospital in Japan. It was such a beautiful place... The fountain glistened in the moonlight. Each drop that flew through the air was a huge cluster of vivid colors.
I took out a small plastic bag and a few stacks of paper. I ripped up the moss green leaves and the blood red flower that were in the bag into small pieces and stuffed it into the paper. I shaped it into what looked like an ordinary cigarette and lit it.
I just took one drag, one very small drag, and I was instantly high.
----------
Buddy woke up the next morning due to the sunlight. The sky wasn't its natural blue, instead it was milk white, but the sun was as strong as ever.
"Ka...Kane-san? Kane-sa..."
"I'm here, Buddy." came a voice.
Hireka, Kane was Buddy's best friend for twelve years. They did almost everything together, whether it was eating lunch or just leisurely walking through an abandoned park.
"Anywhere you wanna go, Buddy?" Kane asked. His wallet appeared in his hand as he saw Buddy nod from the corner of his eye.
"7-11." mumbled Buddy. His arms flung around Kane as he struggled to stand. "C-Can I get the... the, you know... The small white things that taste good... They're the ones you like. In the metal circles."
A confused Kane just shrugged and walked along with his friend. "You'll have to show me once we get there."
Buddy nodded. He was soon distracted by a medium sized black dog walking alone down the street. It sniffed around for garbage and ate anything it found, even a small kitten that was trapped in a gutter.
"Poor thing." Kane mumbled. His eyes wandered their way from the dog down to the street.
"Can I go pet it?" asked Buddy.
Kane's eyes widened. "Are you nuts? You seriously want to pet a mutt who just ate a cat?!"
"...Yes." Buddy whimpered. He slowly crawled over to the dog and sat on his knees. His right hand touched the point of the mutt's ear and it bit his pinkie. Buddy's eyes narrowed and he bit the dog's ear. It whined and lie on the street, resting his muzzle on Buddy's lap.
"You're crazy." Kane muttered, grabbing Buddy's shirt collar and pulling him onto his feet, "Let's go..."
The older man rolled his eyes, opening the door to the store and walking into the candy isle. "These." he said, pointing to a small tin of mints.
"Oh. Alright, get as many as you need."
Buddy made a small nod and took a few tins also grabbing Pear flavored gum. "This is good for now." he cooed. A man at the counter caught his eye. He only looked about five foot six and was unnaturally thin. His eyes were wide and a thin rim of dark orange traced around his pupils which were dilated.
His hair was shorter than Buddy's and was colored a coffee brown. "Can I please just have one piece of candy." he asked.
"Sorry, you gotta pay up for it." the cashier said.
The man gritted his teeth and clutched the counter tightly until his knuckles were white. "Please..." he whispered.
"Hey." Buddy mumbled, "Cut the kid some slack." He handed a tin of mints to the man and placed the rest on the counter. "I'll pay."
"Technically I'll pay..." Kane said with a deep sigh, handing over the money.
The man grasped the tin tightly and stared at Buddy, his face filled with fear. He slowly bowed and stepped back toward the door. "Thank you." he said, bolting down the street.
"That kid was kinda odd wasn't he?" asked Kane.
"Yeah, I'll try the kiwi and vanilla mix." Buddy said with a grin.
Kane looked up and stared at Buddy. "Are you listening to me?" he growled.
"Can I have a spoon with that?"
"Buddy!?"
"'Sup?"
Kane wrinkled his nose and crossed his arms, dragging Buddy out by the collar of his shirt. "Why did you have to get ice cream..." he mumbled.
"I had a craving." Buddy chirped, "And it was a new flavor, I couldn't resist."
"You're such a child." Kane sighed and walked toward the Everlasting World Hotel, "I hate it when you're still high in the morning..."
Buddy slowly looked around then up at the hotel. "Why are we going home?"
"Because you can't walk around like this in the day, you'll get arrested." answered Kane, walking inside without another word.
"But... But Kane-san! I wanna get the dog!"
"Not one word, Buddy..."
"Kane-san!" Buddy tugged back on Kane's arm but he insisted on going forward. They both made it to their room in minutes and Kane threw Buddy onto the bed.
"Sleep. Now. Or I'll take away the mints."
Buddy blinked twice and hid his face under the blankets, trying to fall asleep as fast as he could.
-----
There was a tall glass of Ginger Ale on the side table as Buddy woke up the following morning. He slowly squinted his eyes and groaned. "Kane! You bit the straw again!" he yelled.
"I did not! I... I just took a sip!" snarled Kane from the kitchen.
"Didn't bite the fucking straw my ass..." Buddy muttered. He weakly rolled over and stretched his arm out, grabbing the glass with a sigh. He slowly sipped the beverage and stood from his bed. "Where are we going tonight?"
"Devil's Creek." answered Kane, "Manager was giving us a hard time a few days ago, wouldn't give us the money." He peeked his head out of the kitchen doorway and said, "Sit back down. I'll make you breakfast in bed."
"Seriously?" Buddy mumbled.
Kane nodded. "You're always so rude in the morning, thought I'd make you something in bed to soften you up."
Buddy smirked and took another sip of his drink. "Soften me up?" he asked, "How nice of you."
"Yeah yeah..." Kane mumbled carrying in a tray, "They're your favorites."
"Wow, you really do wanna soften me up." Buddy said, a slight astonishment in his voice. He took a small fork and scooped up some rice flavored with soy sauce, diced leeks and celery, and a very small dash of pepper. "It's better than last weeks."
"I try." Kane murmured, biting his lip and carefully watching Buddy eat. A low growl echoed throughout the room and Kane clutched his stomach, his face red with embarrassment.
Buddy was startled. "Did I hear a hoard of lions?" he asked.
"No..." Kane muttered, "Can... Can I have a bite? I didn't have any food since yesterday morning..."
"Sure, why not?" Buddy stabbed a piece of shrimp and held it under Kane's nose, "I know you want it."
Kane's mouth watered. He eagerly wanted it, he felt like a dog waiting for the dinner bell. "Yeah... I want it, but it's your food."
Buddy stuffed the shrimp into Kane's mouth and continued feeding him, no matter how much he didn't want it.
"Don't, Buddy." Kane mumbled, covering his mouth, "You eat now, don't worry about me."
"Suit yourself." Buddy said now eating by himself.
Kane sighed and sat beside Buddy keeping his eyes down and away from the older man before him. He slowly lie down and pressed his cheek against the warm, tough skin on Buddy's arm. He loved Buddy and he knew that.
"You dyed your hair this morning?" Buddy asked.
"Yeah, I think I look better as a blond." Kane replied, twirling a strand of his hair with his index finger, "The color brings out my eyes."
"I can see that." Buddy continued eating silently, his eyes looking as if they were somewhere else. He slowly drifted off into a daze.
Kane looked up and furrowed his brows. "Are you okay?" he asked.
Buddy's fork slowly reached his lips and he chewed on his food, savoring the flavor.
"Buddy?" Kane asked, tapping his shoulder.
Buddy blinked several times and yawned. "I guess I'm still tired." he said, resting his head back against the pillow.
Kane smiled and moved his head up until his chin reached Buddy's shoulder. He nudged him a few times until he felt Buddy's head touch his own. He couldn't believe how hot Buddy felt.
"You're trying to do it again, aren't you?" Buddy said.
Kane's face flushed. "D-Do what?" he asked.
"Trying to get all cozy and cuddly against me to make me put my arm around you."
"I... No I'm not."
"Don't lie Kane, I hear it in your voice."
Kane bit his lip and grasped Buddy's arm a little tighter than before. "...Maybe just a little."
"Well... Maybe just this once." Buddy mumbled, placing his arm around Kane's waist, "Just this once though. Remember, you're not my type."
"Yeah I know, but I still love you." Kane murmured, closing his eyes.
Buddy sighed and deeply inhaled the scent of Kane's hair. "And I'll always remember that." he said. The soft pitter-patter of rain softly hit the glass window. It was no longer sunny like this morning. It was gloomy and cold.
But Kane never minded the cold when Buddy was around. He could always use him as a mobile radiator.
-----
Devil's Creek. It was probably the most dangerous strip club in all of Japan. You get a bullet to the head if you don't know the password and everyone that passes by will just laugh at your corpse and call you a scrawny wimp.
"You owe us double now." Kane said, a stern tone in his voice.
The gray, greasy haired man merely grinned and sucked at his cigar. "How 'bout we make a deal." he said.
Kane slammed his hand on the desk. "Give up the money now or we won't have to kill you and steal it ourselves."
The mans grin faded. He sighed and took out a key, opening a drawer beside him. "Here." he said, laying a small suitcase on the desk, "There's everything you need."
Buddy squinted out the window toward the first floor. They were currently on the second. The boy on stage was chained down and tortured with jagged spears. The money that was thrown onto the stage was soaked in his blood. "Is that..."
'The guy looks like the kid from 7-11...'
The coffee brown haired man clawed at the chains. His screams were in pure agony and almost all of his clothes were stripped of him.
"Let's go Buddy." Kane said, tugging at Buddy's arm. Instead of using the elevator, Buddy bolted down the flight of steps, taking two at a time.
"Let him go!" he yelled, pushing through the crowd who thought he was nuts.
The tall, tanned woman made a smug smile. She held the spear in her hand and twirled it nonchalantly. "And what will you do about it you faggot?" she hissed.
"Oh shit..." Kane whispered, stepping back as far as he could.
Buddy's expression was blank. He climbed up onto the stage, rolled up his sleeve, and punched the woman in the face, dislocating her jaw. She screamed in pain. Buddy could care less as he snapped a few more bones.
He bent down and broke off the thin chains from the floor. The brunette was gasping for air. He looked like a gaping fish. "Come on, kid. You're safe now."
The man shook his head as he vomited blood. Too much of it. "They gave me..." he whispered, "They gave me... Gave... Gave me drugs. I think... I think... I think I killed... Killed a person..." Tears poured down his cheeks and his eyes stayed ahead. They stared right through Buddy.
"What did they give you? What happened when you took them?" asked Buddy, petting the man atop his head.
"The colors... Colors! They merged to black and it... it all... it all faded away. There was too much... much pleasure... I got addicted... I got... got sick a lot... But they put me out here anyway. I wanted to kill them... I wanted to..." The brunette's whimpers were fused with sobs. His arms wrapped around Buddy. "You saved me... Me again... Thank you..." he whispered.
He soon ran out the door and stumbled repeatedly down the cold road.
"Follow him!" Buddy commanded.
Kane ran after the man and saw him slip away into an alley. "Gotcha..." he mumbled, softly panting as he saw the brunette on the ground. He passed out.
"Keeled over, huh?" Buddy said, feeling for the man's pulse, "He reeks of cigarettes..." He slowly took the man in his arms and ran a few fingers through his hair. "He'll make a great pet." he said with a quirky smile, "He'll be the dog I've always wanted."
Pet? thought Kane. He instantly grew jealous of this 'pet'. He didn't want such a thing near Buddy.
They soon made it back to their home. Kane hated the idea of bringing this thing into the house. "I'll give you a bath." Buddy chirped.
Kane was furious. "You never gave me a bath!" he yelled, his hands clenched into fists.
Buddy turned around and raised an eyebrow. "You never asked." he said.
"Neither did him!" Kane growled. He was soon dragged into the bathroom by Buddy with a shocked expression. "B-Buddy?" he asked, "What're you doing?"
"Giving you a bath." replied Buddy, stripping Kane of his clothes. He was easily embarrassed.
"With him!?" Kane screeched and watched Buddy nod. "But Buddy!" he whined, "I don't wanna!"
Buddy ignored his pleas and pushed Kane into the tub along with the brunette who woke up from the hot water touching his skin.
"Where am.... am I?" the man asked, drowsily looking around.
"Our place. Don't worry." Buddy answered, washing Kane first, "What's your name?"
"...Roka." he replied, placing his cheek against the water, "This feels nice..."
Kane agreed, no matter how much he didn't like the idea. He screamed as something brushed against his leg. "What the fuck was that!?" he screeched.
"My hand, sorry." Roka said, shivering as he felt Buddy's warm hands touch his icy skin.
"Don't do it again!" Kane whined, crossing his arms and looking away.
They were both pulled out of the bathtub minutes later by Buddy who grabbed towels for both of them. Roka was silent as the cold air hit him. He clung to Buddy for warmth as he saw Kane wrap his arms around the older man first.
"I'm not your personal heater, guys..." Buddy mumbled, dragging the two inside.
"But you're warm!" Kane whined, his grip now tighter.
Roka did nothing in response. He stayed silent as his eyelids grew heavier. He wanted to sleep.
"I'll go make dinner." cheered Kane, prancing into the kitchen, "What do you suggest?"
"Roka?" Buddy asked.
Roka's eyes were closed but he shrugged as he heard his name.
"What do you like?" Buddy asked, sitting Roka down on the bed.
"Sugar." the brunette replied, "I need sugar..."
"You hear him?" Buddy asked and a thumbs up was seen outside the kitchen doorway.
The clock soon struck twelve and dinner was made. A plate was made for Buddy and a separate one for Roka. His plate was doused with molasses and he loved it, although he made Kane sick in the process of eating it.
"May I have more please?" Roka asked, ashamed that he's eating so much. He even licked the plate clean.
Kane made a small nod, filling his plate again and giving it back, not even wanting to watch Roka eat again.
A faint ringing was heard in the room. Buddy reached for his phone and answered, soon hanging up. "It's Sanake-sama." he said, "There was some suspicious movement around the office an hour ago. Wants us to check it out."
"Ugh, it's probably another damn cat." Kane muttered, slowly getting dressed in a navy blue suit.
"You never know." Buddy said, placing his empty plate to the side and getting dressed himself in a black suit. He stretched and looked back at Roka. He passed out again. "He should be fine, let's go."
Kane nodded and they both walked side by side down the dark alley like streets.
Buddy's expression was blank. He looked as if he saw something else in the darkness. "Something doesn't seem right." he said, taking out his pistol.
That was a sign that Kane knew something was really wrong. Buddy never took out his pistol unless something big were about to happen. Kane was ready for it.
He followed Buddy around the office building multiple times and the only thing they found was the medium sized black dog from yesterday morning. It eyed them as they passed through the streets. Alert and ready to attack.
"Hey doggy." Buddy said, petting the dog atop its head. It snarled and backed up, its ears down, its teeth bared. "Hey calm down." he mumbled.
"Calm down?" the dog sneered, "How can I calm down when two twats are blocking my way of continuing with my business!?"
Buddy blinked and rubbed his eyes. "I think I've been smoking too much..." he mumbled.
"As if, kid." The dog morphed into a taller man in the darkness. His body was over muscled and thick skinned. His hair was long, passed his elbows, colored silver. A brilliant ruby red were the color of his eyes. His face looked so old but his eyes were young.
Buddy smirked predatorily. "Kin Young." he mumbled, "First in command at Ninkao, am I right."
"Absolutely." Kin said, cracking the knuckles in his fingers.
"Wow... I can't believe I bit an old guy's ear. How disgusting." Buddy muttered.
Kin's eyes dimmed. "'Old guy'?" he growled, "I'm only forty six."
"And that's exactly my point. What do you want from us?" Buddy asked, secretly loading his pistol behind his back.
"Your boss said he got some sort of new drug from the mountains. We want it and you better give it to us, kid. You'll regret it if you don't."
"Oh, and what will a geezer like you do about it?"
"I'll kill your new friend." Kin hissed, a smirk on his face.
Buddy's eyes narrowed. "How do you know about him?" he asked.
Kin's smirk only grew more deadly. He lunged forward toward Buddy, who blasted a hole through his shoulder. He let out a shrill scream and his eyes moved toward Kane. "The weak have no chance to live in the animal kingdom." he snarled.
Kin lurched forward and grasped Kane's shoulder, crushing the bone into several pieces, severely damaging it. Kane screamed and felt the warm blood drip down his arm, taking a blow to the chest, cracking several ribs.
Buddy kicked Kin in the back and forced him down to the ground, pulling the trigger of his pistol. He still wouldn't die. "Fucker puts up a fight..." Buddy muttered.
Kin merely laughed and tore at Kane's chest. Blood spilled everywhere. Skin was ripped off. Bones were snapped like dead twigs.
Buddy pulled the trigger multiple times into Kin's head, now killing him. He shot several more times just to make sure. He placed his pistol down and kneeled next to Kane. His chest was completely ripped open, Buddy could see his heart throbbing through the torn muscle.
"Bu... Budd... uddy... Buddy..." he whispered. The tears fell down his face, fusing with dirt and blood.
"I'm here, I won't leave you." Buddy said reassuringly, holding the back of Kane's head.
Kane weakly laughed. "I don... Don't think I can do th-the same." he said, "It hurts... hurts a lot Buddy..."
"You can make it, Kane. I know it." Buddy said, biting his lip.
Kane shook his head. He placed his hand on Buddy's cheek and whispered, "I'm gonna die."
Buddy shook his head as he felt one tear fall down his face. "You can't die, Kane. Please don't." He placed his hand on Kane's and squeezed it tightly.
"Buddy..." Kane whispered, pulling Buddy closer. He felt his lips press against the older man's and his grip was tight around Buddy's neck. "I love you... Buddy."
He felt Kane's body grow limp in his arms and the tears never stopped flowing. "Kane?" he whispered. There was no reply. "Kane-san?" he whispered again. Silence.
Buddy broke down quietly sobbing, tightly grasping his friend. "I love you too, Kane." he sobbed, "I love you too..."
-----
This was the first time I've ever cried in my life. Though I never did love him as a boyfriend or a lover, I loved him like a brother and it hurt to see his eyes close right in front of me. It felt as if a part of me went with him as he moved on.
I died a little inside... My head hurt a lot from sobbing so much and my eyes stung. I placed my pistol on top of Kane-san's chest along with my rosary. I know he'd need it more than I would.
I got high again that night in the park. I knew I was talking to myself about Kane. I couldn't get that out of my head and as I woke up the next morning, I didn't find him next to me. The perky, bossy blond that was always there for me was gone. Forever.
I walked home that morning and found only Roka. When I saw the look in his eyes, I knew he knew something was terribly wrong. All I did was sit next to him on the bed and hug him as tight as I could. He felt my hot, burning tears on his back and he hugged me even tighter than I could.
He told me that everything was going to be okay. That things are better now.
Maybe he was right because that morning, as I stared out the window, nothing was gloomy and gray anymore. I saw color. I saw the world. I faced reality.
...I learned to love.