Title: The Perfect Woman

Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling and associates own Harry Potter and all characters from the series. Any characters I make are mine and are completely fictional and neither belongs in the original Harry Potter series nor in real life. I am writing this for fun, not profit.

Pairings: HP/OC

Rating: R

Warnings:

Summary: After a, surprisingly uneventful, break-up with Ginny Weasley, Harry has trouble finding The One. So, in an attempt to raise the country's morale, the Ministry of Magic decides to help him. A competition to find "The Perfect Woman" begins. Thousands of women enter and when Harry realizes he's been conned into signing a contract, he just gives up and agrees to go along with it.

Chapter 1 ~ The Perfect Woman Must Be Attractive

Harry glared at the stack of applications that overflowed the table in front of him. Most, if not all, of those applicants were only in this ridiculous competition for fame and fortune, not love. He wasn't allowed to look at any of them yet either. The ministry would sort through until they had a, currently unspecified, set number of beautiful women to start the competition with. Then, after the ladies had been announced to the Wizarding World, they would be taken to one of the Potter Estates, one that Harry had loaned to the ministry for, he'd believed, auror business.

The girls would receive makeovers to "look more like a Lady of the House of Potter", whatever that looked like, and then Harry would meet the girls and the real competition would begin. Harry didn't like the idea of finding his future wife this way, but it's not like his way was working. And really, Kingsley was right, it was better to do it this way than to stick an ad in the paper, like Ron had suggested. Glancing once more at the pile of applications, Harry shuddered, turned, and left the ministry.

XxXxXxXx

He found himself wandering around muggle London, with no real destination in mind. In ripped jeans, ratty sneakers, and a baggy black shirt he looked like just another university student exploring the city.

He'd been walking for maybe an hour when he came across a café nestled in between a boutique and a bistro. It wasn't overly busy, but seemed popular enough as a happy trio of teen girls walked out carrying away steaming cups and an elderly couple slowly shuffled their way in.

To Harry, it seemed kind of hot out to be drinking coffee, but he was a bit parched and just about anywhere would at least have water.

Making his way in, the sign above the door stating this was the Valerian Café, he was a bit surprised. It was darker than he expected and bookshelves lined the walls. At the counter three girls in red aprons were rushing around as a man with chestnut hair pulled into a ponytail made coffees. It was quiet inside, no conversation seemed to raise above a gentle murmur. Tugging on his hair to hide his scar, Harry made his way to the counter, wondering if this café was actually a wizarding one.

But no one seemed to recognize him and he was able to wait for one of the waitresses without getting jumped. Sooner than expected, one of the serving girls was in front of him. She looked kind of young, probably in year 10 or 11. Her hair was very dark, almost black. Her eyebrows were thick, but so were her eyelashes. Her eyes were brown, and in the lighting, seemed to have flecks of red and gold in them. She was about average height for a muggle girl and to soft looking to be into sports.

"Sir, do you know what you want or would you like me to grab you a menu?"

She had a mid-west American accent and a kind, quiet voice.

"A uh, a menu would be good."

The corners of her lips twitched up and Harry wondered if it was meant to be a smile as she rushed off. She was back quickly and slid a laminated booklet towards him.

"I'll check in with ya in a bit, okay?" She waited for him to nod his head before rushing off again.

It didn't take long to decide, nor to receive the lemonade he requested either. He'd watched her make it from scratch and she'd even placed a dish of sugar cubes on his table when he sat down, "in case he liked it extra sweet". The lemonade was gone quickly but he sat around for a bit longer just watching people before he headed back to the ministry. Might as well get some paperwork done before this competition made it pile up to high.

XxXxXxXx

The women were beautiful. Too beautiful. Harry could feel a cold sweat racing down his spine and he had to swallow down a lump of fear. He knew he didn't look bad, he'd gotten a makeover for the event as well and looked almost like a woman himself. But there were 63 gorgeous women standing there and he felt terrified. For the first 8 "events", 7 girls would be eliminated each time. The final event, a wedding, Harry would have to say "I Do" to one of the remaining 7 girls.

Simply put, it was terrifying. And ridiculous.

Hermione had been the one to write up the contract so he knew there was no way to back out. She thought the competition would be great for the morale of the Wizarding World and would be a healthy way to "get over Ginny". Really, he and Ginny had broken up mutually and calmly so he didn't understand why everyone thought he needed to "get over her". Personally, he thought Hermione had been watching too much telly, though he wouldn't say it to her face.

A flash of light distracted him from his thoughts and he forced a, hopefully, polite smile as he started the process of being introduced to each girl.

XxXxXxXx

Harry yawned as he walked around London. It felt like stilettos had stampeded over his brain and tried to shove information into each hole that they created. To add to that, his stomach was cramping from how long his nerves had been on high alert. He was pretty sure he'd rather face Voldemort a dozen times over than have to face that many women again in his life. The girls were getting settled into the manor and he'd needed a break so here he was, making his way back to the café that he'd found the other day. Since it was so late, he wasn't even sure it was open, but he'd seen other places along that street that looked nice as well.

Sure enough, it was closed. Through the window he could see the girls wiping down tables, the chestnut haired man cleaning the coffee maker, and a blonde man counting the till. The door was locked with a little closed sign, in the shape of an empty tea cup, in the window. Turning, Harry looked around for a place to relax, but as he looked up and down the street, everything seemed closed.

The sound of a little bell had him turning back towards the café where he saw the waitress from the other day peaking out at him.

"You alright, sir?"

"Uh, yeah, I was just looking for a place to grab a bite..."

"... I'm guessing you're new to this area, huh? Well, every shop along this strip of street closes at sunset and opens again at sunrise. We, well I, call it the Day District. The next street over towards the North is what I like to call the Night District. They open at sunset and close at sunrise. They're mostly bars, tattoo parlors, and porn stores though. There's a few restaurants too. If you like, I can show you to a decent place? I'm heading that way anyway."

She mumbled the second half of it all and Harry wondered if she was possibly a bit shy. He nodded and smiled and she held up one finger in a "one minute" kind of gesture before she spun back inside.

It wasn't long before the café lights went out and all the waitresses came out with the two men following. The two men still wore their uniforms, white button-ups with black slacks, but the girls had changed. The two he hadn't spoken with yet wore tight mini-skirts and skin tight tube-tops. His waitress, as he found himself calling her, wore baggy black jeans, a black spaghetti strap that looked just a bit too big, and a hooded jumper covered in neon rock band instruments and electric violins. She walked over and the two other girls followed.

"They're going to a club so they're gonna walk with us partway, kay?"

He didn't even have time to say anything before they were moving. On the way, he found out that the two other girls were Iris and Christine, Chris for short. He didn't find out his waitress' real name, but she answered to the nickname "Panda". He also found out that she was 23, not 16 or 17 like he'd thought, and she said "Fuck", as well as it's many variants, even more often then Ron said "Bloody Hell".

The girls were a happy bunch and by the time Iris and Chris arrived at their destination, Harry was in a much better mood.

Panda showed him a few different restaurants and he finally chose one that was across the way from a tattoo parlor that she said she was going to. Apparently she apprenticed there for a few hours every night. They said their goodbyes and as Harry walked into the Moonbeam Café, he decided it had been a good night.

XxXxXxXx

He was going crazy. Every corner he turned he ran into a gaggle of giggling gossiping girls. The only place he found any solace in the entire estate was his study or his bedroom, but he'd finished his paperwork late last night and woke up to find dozens of eyes staring at him from his doorway. The girls had ran off giggling when he pulled his sheets up to cover himself, but the lack of privacy was getting to him and it had only been two days. He needed out of the house. Away from the Estate.

It took him two hours to escape onto the wizarding bus and into London. He quickly made his way to Valerian and found a dark quiet corner to sit down and relax. Iris and Chris seemed to understand the mood he was in, but Panda didn't. She kept dropping by to check on him and even after he snapped at her, she started doing it more often. By the time he left, he'd received a free slice of cake and a coffee from the girl "to feel better". In the mood he was in, he wondered if she did it for any ulterior motive, but about a block down the street, Chris caught up with him.

"Don't think it's anything special that Panda gave you that. She panics when people around her are upset and tries everything she can think of to calm them down."

Just as Harry started to snap at her that it wasn't his problem that the girl had issues Chris silenced him with a finger in his face and an angry look.

"Because of your attitude when you left, she thinks she did something wrong and Elliot forced her to go calm down in the kitchen. So make sure you're in a better mood before you come back! Or don't bother!"

She spun on her heel with a flick of her blonde hair and ran back the way she'd come, leaving Harry standing there unable to respond.

XxXxXxXx

Harry shut the door and released a sigh of relief. The first event was coming up soon, a beauty contest of all things, and the paparazzi were following him in swarms. Hermione looked up from her book at the table with an almost sympathetic look, but there was a quirk to her lip and a sparkle in her eye that told him that she was probably secretly laughing at him.

"So, have you decided which 7 you're going to eliminate?"

Harry groaned as he sat down at the table and threw his head down, his forehead smacking hard against the wood causing him to wince slightly in pain. He glared at Hermione when she laughed as he rubbed the bump growing on his head.

"Is it so hard to decide? All you gotta do is pick the girls that are the least attractive to you."

"The problem is that they're all beautiful. Too beautiful! They're all like goddesses and I'm just a lowly little worm!"

"Well... then maybe you should pick the most beautiful girls, the ones that intimidate you too you're uncomfortable with a girl because she's too good looking, than maybe she isn't right for you."

Harry sighed and rested his face against the wood. He tried to think of which girls he was most scared to talk to, but his mind kept going back to Panda and her expression when he'd snapped at her. He winced and Hermione must have noticed because her gaze sharpened and she set her book down, focusing all her attention on him. They were both silent for a bit, but finally she made a slight impatient sound. Sighing, Harry knew it would be best to start talking and not avoid it until Hermione forced it out of him.

"I can't focus on the elimination that way either. I, uh... I snapped at a girl because I was in a bad mood. She did nothing wrong, in fact she was just trying to make me feel better, but I bit her head off and I've kind of been avoiding her since... Right now talking to her scares me the most."

"So you're thinking of eliminating her because you made a mistake?"

"No! I mean, she's not even in the competition! She's a muggle girl that I met a few weeks ago! We were starting to become friends and because I was frustrated with the competition I kind of took it out on her... Then her friend bit my head off."

Hermione definitely looked interested in the situation now.

"... What?"

"Tell me about her. Everything you know."

Harry didn't see where Hermione was going with this but shrugged it off as a girl thing.

"She's average height for a muggle girl, shorter than you and I. Dark hair about to her shoulders, dark eyes, pale skin. She's not fat, but not fit. Curvy, but no where near like those lingerie models from those magazines in George's loo," Hermione swatted at him but he just grinned, "umm... She looks about 16, but she's actually 23. She curses alot. More than Ron does. She's American, accent suggests the midwest. She jumps back and forth between being childish and mature with an ease that I've never seen in anybody. She works at a café during the day and apprentices at a tattoo parlor at night. Um... I don't really know her name..."

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Seriously, Harry? You start befriending someone and you don't even learn their name?"

"Well her friends call her Panda so I just started doing that too."

"Panda? Maybe she likes pandas then. You could use that info when you apologize to her. You are going to apologize of course?"

Harry ducked his head. He'd wanted to, but he wasn't really sure how to apologize to a girl that you were just starting to befriend. With Hermione all he had to do was buy her a book she'd like and say sorry. Maybe it was the same with other girls too?

XxXxXxXx

Harry stood outside the Valerian Café and waited for the last few customers to trickle out. Before one of the girls could switch out the signs, he stepped in and kind of stood awkwardly by the door. Iris finally noticed him and nudged Chris and the blonde man. Both looked over and glared and for the first time Harry wondered if the two blondes were related. The brunette man seemed to appear in front of him and Harry nearly jumped out of his skin.

"I'm Kyle. How may I help you?"

The man had a gentle voice and an aristocratic accent, but he was definitely British.

"I'm looking for Panda..."

"Miss Attica is in the kitchen. Would you like me to fetch her for you?"

Before Harry could respond, the blonde man huffed and made his way into to the back, disappearing through a previously unnoticed door.

"I apologize. He's very protective of the girls... Especially when it comes to the magical community."

Paling, Harry's head snapped back around to stare at Kyle.

"Don't worry. This is a squib community. And as you know, Miss Attica is from America. She also doesn't pay attention to the news. She has no reason to treat you any differently than anyone else she meets."

Harry was a bit sceptical about that, but he'd also never heard of squib communities before. He gave Kyle a questioning look, but the man just smiled gently at him and flicked his eyes toward the back. Looking over, Harry saw Panda following the blonde man out. When she saw him, she gave a nervous smile. Gathering his Gryffindor courage, Harry strode forward and offered her the Gothic Panda Teddy Bear that Hermione had helped him pick out.

"I, uh, I apologize for snapping at you the other day. I was frustrated with other people and I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I'm sorry."

His grin was hopeful and nervous and as she hesitantly took the teddy, it became relieved.

"Thank you."

And the smile she gave him was the most thing he'd ever seen.