disclaimer: I own none of the Harry Potter characters mentioned in the following fanfiction, all are owned by J K Rowling. I also don't own the song, that being owned by 'Right Said Fred'
dedication: Dedicating this one to Valentine999, my hime-chan because she has been an absolute legend, and has put up with me for the last 7 or so years spectacularly and has helped me looooads with my writing, for which I am ridiculously greatful!
THANK YOU!!!
Note, all speech in Italics are sung.
It was but another boring morning in the great hall, Hermione was catching up on her potions reading, Ron was quite happily munching way at a bacon sandwich, and Harry was staring expectantly at the doors. Wait, what?
Suddenly all lights/ceilings went dim, a lone spotlight directed towards the doorway. There was a sudden *pop* as numerous house elves appeared about the room, all wearing dark sunglasses and black ties, all clicking their fingers in time to a steady beat.
Finally, after some tension had amounted with in the room to an almost physical state a husky, breathy voice began to sing;
"I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love, Love's going to leave me."
A swirl of robes and Draco Malfoy, Ice Prince of Slytherin was stood under the spotlight, his pristine robes sliding sensuously from his shoulders, leaving him in a pair of tight dress pants and somehow an even tighter white shirt.
Rubbing both hands over his toned stomach through his shirt he raised his left hand and ran it through mussed blond locks his eyes fluttered closed as his voice rasped out the next line heatedly, "I'm too sexy-"
His right hand was teasingly playing with the buttons on his shirt during this and finally he glanced up, silver eyes locking with emerald. Licking his lips as if a hungry predator, the blond finally finished the first line, his hand smoothly undoing the top few buttons of his shirt, revealing pale flesh to the eyes of all watching. "-for my shirt".
He strutted forward, footsteps in time with the house elves continuous clicking that reverberated about the hall and the spotlight still firmly upon him, his hair being blown dramatically back from his face.
"Too sexy for my-"
"Harry?!" Ginny was shaking her boyfriend, trying to drag his attention from the blond in the midst of the hall but even she froze as a metal pole appeared in the middle of the room. With a dangerous smirk being sent towards a certain green-eyed gryffindor Draco grasped the pole, spinning once before locking eyes with his gryffindor, finishing the first verse whilst grinding heavily against the shiny metal. "So sexy it hurts" Draco's voice was somehow huskier on the last word that it sent chills down Harry's spine and heat to.. his pants.
Harry was almost drooling, except for the lack of moisture in his mouth, and he stood swiftly, ignoring Hermione's hand on his arm trying to stop her friend.
The silver eyes, the twisting body were too tempting, and stepping over the bench at which he had been seated, started to make his way towards the Malfoy heir.
Draco continued singing and swaying, half an eye kept focused upon Harry's standing form.
"And I'm too sexy for Mil-"
"Harry?" Neville was looking curiously towards his dorm-mate
"Too sexy for Mila-"
"HARRY!!" Ginny stood and lunged for her self-proclaimed boyfriend's arm. "What are you doing?!" Harry managed to form the dirtiest look upon his face before loudly shouting,
"Screw you Ginny, I'm gay". The young red-head looked a little shocked before stalking back to the table, suspiciously close to Dean Thomas, perhaps the rumours about the two of them were true.
Harry could not but move ever closer to Draco who has still continued his muggle song,
"And I'm too sexy for your party" His eyes locking with Harry before smirking softly, "Too sexy for your party" The innuendo was quite clear to everyone watching. Spinning around his conjured pole Draco sung the next line with a little action, 60's disco move, his hips jerking from side to side as if following his pointing hand.
'No way I'm disco dancing."
Crabbe and Goyle suddenly entered through the doors, dressed smartly in muggle suits they strode up behind Draco and took hold of his spread-eagled arms, lifting him up onto the nearest table, just happening to be the Gryffindor one.
"I'm a model, you know what I mean.
And I do my little turn on the catwalk" mirroring his words with a little turn on the table, aware that Harry is walking along beside the table, shadowing his movements. "Yeah on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah" His voice again practically purring the final word before suddenly halting on his table escapade and almost directly addressing Harry, "I do my little turn on the catwalk"
Reaching a hand out to his left Harry quickly dashed closer and helped the blond down from the table, but was unprepared for Draco suddenly hooking a leg around his own and pulling, leaving the green-eyed boy down on the floor, staring up at the Malfoy, who's silver eyes looked devilishly handsome from his new-found viewpoint.
Straddling the downed boy he used him like the pole, grinding against his clad torso, "I'm too sexy for my car, too sexy for my car" Harry's cheeks by this point were highly flushed with embarrassment but he was unprepared for his new 'blanket' to suddenly remove itself from him. Starting to sit up he was pushed back down with a leather-clad foot, and Draco was looking triumphantly down at Harry "Too sexy by far"
Now Draco was walking towards the teacher's table, when suddenly, with a wave of his hand the sorting hat was upon his head, singing along with the next few lines, "And I'm too sexy for my hat. Too sexy for my hat-" Removing it from his dishevelled hair Draco dropped the hat upon the teacher's table, leaning against it and seemingly questioning the headmaster, "what do you think about that" All he got for a reply was Dumbledore's twinkling blue eyes shining back at him.
"I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk, the catwalk, yeah.
I shake my tush on the catwalk." Harry's eyes were fixated upon the blond vision as it stalked back towards his now standing form, herding him back towards the large doors, spotlight following the two's swift progress.
^ ^;
Draco finally concluded his spontaneous song, draping his arms over Harry's shoulders and turning them both back towards the member of the great hall.
"And I'm too sexy for this song"
The Gryffindor's exploded into outraged whispers and Ron, now pale as a sheet stood from his seat, for once ignoring all the food laden upon his plate and swiftly walked towards the two 'rivals'.
On drawing near he quickly drew back his hand and slapped Harry, trying to wake him up from whatever spell he must be under. Sadly he was unprepared for Draco's swift retaliation in the form of a rather hefty punch.
"Don't you touch my Harry muggle-fucker!" Ron was floored, hands clasping his aching jaw.
^ ^;
"Oh Draco" Harry felt so romanticized that he swept the blond off his feet for some sexytime on Snape's desk.
Upon hearing this, Snape, previously already white in horror at the scene that had just played out paled even further at this news. He then proceeded to have a mental breakdown when Draco romantically reminded Harry that it was so like their first date.
As the two were hurriedly leaving the hall, very much engrossed in each other Dumbledore shouted out, "Use protection!" to the two lovebirds before going back to eating his breakfast of sausage and egg.
Some students then fainted both in shock as what had just happened finally processed their brains and many others were admitted to Saint Mungos due to 'The Dumbledore Effect'.
Moral: Don't get Draco drunk unless you are Harry. But, if you are Harry then go right ahead!
Yeah, this took me a couple of hours to finally get it to a version I liked. Hope you enjoyed it!
Ember out,
ja ne