Let me start by saying that I don't own Star Wars or any related characters unless otherwise stated. George Lucas owns them. Along with the President, Andorra, the entire field of particle physics, and Uranus.
Well folks, last Sunday I drove up to Tupelo and visited a Dollar Tree, where I found a book marked "Anakin Skywalker—A Jedi's Journal." Intrigued, I picked it up and flipped through it. It's a cool little personal journal with all kinds of little notes from Anakin Skywalker during the time between Episodes I and II. It was then that I knew this was my destiny; to write my true-life daily adventures in these journals as Anakin Skywalker would and post the whole thing on , with the last names changed of all my friends to protect the innocent (and the guilty). And so, here it is:
THE LIFE & TIMES OF ANAKIN SKYWALKER
or
HOW I BECAME THE ULTIMATE DARK-FORCE SCOURGE OF THE UNIVERSE, DRIVEN BY HOMICIDAL RAGE AND AN INSATIABLE DESIRE TO EXTERMINATE ALL WHO OPPOSE MY ABSOLUTE AND DIVINE WILL
--Inside book cover—
Official Property of Jedi Temple Archives
This is a facsimile of one of Anakin Skywalker's many personal journals, which he kept during his first ten years of Jedi training under Obi-Wan Kenobi. We have taken a selection of pages from those various journals and placed them in a single volume for the purpose of sharing this historical record.
We encourage you to use this notebook as your personal journal as well and to record your own thoughts, sketches, and notes.
May the Force be with you.
--First page—
DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU ARE ME, ANAKIN SKYWALKER.
THAT MEANS YOU, OBI-WAN!!!
I cobbled together this notebook from junk I found in one of the Temple's refuse rooms. It'll be a good place to keep my druid designs and notes on my Jedi lessons & stuff...and when I see my mom again, I will give this to her so she can see all the things I saw and did while I was training to become a Jedi!
Life here at the Jedi Temple is alright. Obi-Wan's pretty cool. He buys me candy and Play-doh, which is a good thing. Although one time he did think it would be funny to switch my Laffy Taffy with my Play-doh. I was constipated for two weeks and when I finally was able to crap, it was hot pink. Now everybody at the Temple calls me "Tird Ferguson," which makes me really mad. But that's okay, because I got Obi-Wan back by switching his toothbrush with his lightsaber.
--Cue scene of Obi-Wan wandering through the Jedi Records with a large metal healing brace where his lower jaw used to be. Master Ki-adi-mundi comes over and starts snickering to himself.—
Master Ki-adi-mundi: Padawan trouble, Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan (barely able to talk with the brace): Thut up.
--Back to Anakin's Diary.—
I'm really surprised about how things work here at the Temple. I've been here for almost a year now and it doesn't seem anywhere near as mystical and amazing as all those postcards and brochures try to make it look. Turns out there are multiple major dissiplinz(sp?) of Jedism like Physics, Prelaw, Nursing, Electrical Engineering, that kind of stuff. Obi-Wan's a Marketing major, so I am too. I took most of my classes through JLEP (Jedi-Level Examination Program) tests, so I'm already a sophomore even though I've only been attending classes for two semesters. Right now I'm taking Chemistry, Basic Comp II, Principles of Financial Accounting, Public Speaking, Biology, a Chemistry Lab, and a Biology Lab. My favorite class is Chemistry Lab. I've met lots of cool people there, like this really pretty girl named Karley Gottahotbooti. Oddly enough, she doesn't respond to any of my advances, even when I told her about my Dance of Infinite Sperm. I guess it's because she's about 7 years older than me (I seem to have a thing for older women). And she already has a boyfriend. I wish she didn't have a boyfriend. I wish I could blow her boyfriend up. I wish I could blow her boyfriend and all his friends and family up. I wish I could blow her boyfriend's whole planet up. Of course, I know that's impossible. I mean, her boyfriend's planet is ALDERAAN for crying out loud. The only thing with enough firepower to blow up a planet like that is a massive moon-sized battle station with a gigantic green laser.
Yeah, like THAT could ever happen.
Anyway, I gave my Informative Speech last week in Public Speaking. (I did it on THE TERMINATOR!!! Did you know in the first movie, Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke 74 words of dialogue and killed 27 people? I wish I could do that!) I did so well that I won a place in the Jedi Temple Public Speaking contest next week. Too bad I can't just, you know, incinerate the competitors or something.
---
Right now I'm waiting for my Basic teacher to show up. She's always late. I wish I could blow her planet up, too.
Anyway, life's going pretty good. I get to give a special occasion speech in my Public Speaking class today. That'll be fun.
--Next Page—
My Basic teacher just let us all out of class an hour early. Maybe I could just settle for blowing up her planet's primary moon.
--
Sketch: Tatooine with a ship flying away from it.
Caption: My old home planet, Tatooine
Bottom of the Sketch: It looks like the twin suns of Tatooine, but it is in fact planets being blown up, as two arrows point to them that read "Planets Being Blown Up."
--
Coruscant's alright. Obi-Wan and I live in a District called Starkville. It's got a Wal-Mart and a holoscreen theater, but that's about it. Good commute to the Temple, though.
--
Obi-Wan & I went to a Halloween party Saturday night. He made some cookies and went as Betty Crocker, and I went as "Rancor" Dundee. It was an okay party, I guess, but this weird guy in a Smurf-ette costume kept poking my left nipple. I think he was even one of the Jedi Knights. Oh yeah, and Jar-Jar almost drowned in the pool.
Which was weird since he's supposed to be able to breathe underwater.
--
Sketch: The scope of the Galactic Republic.
Caption: --in center-- Core worlds --arrowed towards a center planet-- Coruscant --; –far right-- Tatooine (Outer Rim)
Left of the Sketch: The Death Star, destroying a planet. "Planet Blow-er Up-er" is arrowed towards it.
--End of first chapter—
Welp, there it is. And most of that stuff really happened, too. Feel free to review. And remember while you could flame me, it won't stop me from continuing with this story, so you'd be wasting your time. And the more positive reviews I get, the better the next chapter will be. Got it? Excellent! So I guess I'll see you next time for more of...
THE LIFE & TIMES OF ANAKIN SKYWALKER
or
HOW I BECAME THE ULTIMATE DARK-FORCE SCOURGE OF THE UNIVERSE, DRIVEN BY HOMICIDAL RAGE AND AN INSATIABLE DESIRE TO EXTERMINATE ALL WHO OPPOSE MY ABSOLUTE AND DIVINE WILL