I love you

"Wow, that woman was absolutely crazy…", John said kind of absently while sitting down opposite Sherlock, after they had successfully solved a case. "I think she really wasn't.", Sherlock immediately replied and stopped caressing his violin to look at John; "She was just in love with him." No one except Sherlock could say something like that and keep such a straight face at the same time, John thought. "But Sherlock", he said slowly,"where would be the sense in that? If someone was trying to kill his wife, why would she put her own life at risk to save her?""Oh John, isn't that obvious?" Sherlock said with a slight smirk. John only raised his eyebrows. After a sight Sherlock said: "She loved him John. Nothing in the world was more important to her than to make him happy, even if it meant sacrificing her own happiness forever." The sudden warmth in Sherlock's voice surprised John so much, he had to just stare at him for a few seconds before replying: "But why risk so much for that? From my point of view it would've even been understandable if she'd just let it happen. Not right, but understandable…" "I disagree. The risk of not being able to make him happy herself was not worth taking for her. She's a smart woman; she knew exactly what she was doing. She was sentimental and rational at the same time." Sherlock said calmly. "More like: She was too scared he wouldn't be able to love her.", John replied, slowly getting slightly annoyed. "No, she wasn't. She was just not selfish. Or do you think an ethical person would let someone get killed for their own purposes?" Sherlock replied, now getting annoyed too. "What? No! But taking such a risk by committing a murder when it's completely against your purposes is not selfless, it's crazy." John said, his voice slowly getting louder. "Taking risks that seem crazy is normal when you're in love." Sherlock said, now talking a bit more loudly as well. "Oh, as if you knew anything about being in love." John said, almost laughing. Suddenly, the expression on Sherlock's face changed and even though John couldn't quite define it, he knew he had said something wrong.

He immediately stopped smiling and gave Sherlock a confused look. "Wait, what are you not telling me?" he then asked, raising an eyebrow. "John, please don't.", Sherlock said slowly and gave John a desperate look. "Sherlock, whoever you have been or are in love with, you can tell me." John said with a kind smile, quickly having understood what this was about. After a moment of silence Sherlock said quietly: "No, I can't…" Then he looked at him with resignation, knowing it wouldn't take John long to figure out the rest as well. Why does John have to be so smart at times, he thought. John gave him a confused look again. "Why can't you tell me who… Oh." He looked at Sherlock again with a questioning look and Sherlock could do nothing but nod because he simply couldn't lie to John when he was looking at him that way. John ran his hands through his hair while Sherlock closed his eyes for a moment. There was silence for what felt like an entirety, before John broke it by asking: "How long have you felt that way?" Instead of answering, Sherlock just stared at the ground. "Sherlock, how long have you been in love with me?" John asked again, a little more intensely this time. Sherlock, still looking at the ground, finally answered: "The 30th of January 2010." John stared at him for a few seconds before saying: "We met on the 29th."Finally Sherlock looked up and said: "I know." Now these two words were floating between them, creating an immense tension.

"Sherlock, you know I love you, but not like…" John started rambling while Sherlock was already nodding, "I love Mary and she loves me and it's…" "John, please stop." Sherlock finally interrupted him, looking as if he were about to cry, which made Johns heart break into a million pieces. "I'm sorry, Sherlock." he said quietly, knowing that there was nothing right he could say. "I know. I'm sorry too." Sherlock say, his voice barely above a whisper. John knew how much it took to break Sherlock's facade that close to breaking down and that was exactly the thing that made him so deeply sad. "You should go home John. You told Mary you'd be home by now." Sherlock finally said. "Yeah.", John said, not really wanting to leave, but knowing it was the right thing to do. So he got up and let Sherlock walk him to the door. They said goodbye, standing further from each other than usually. When John looked at Sherlock's sad smile, he wanted nothing more than to hug him, make it all okay, but he knew it wouldn't make anything okay. So he left, letting everything that had been said between them hanging in the air.

When John got home he just couldn't keep from telling Mary everything. He hadn't planned to do so, but he just couldn't keep it from her. After she'd made then both a cup of tea and they'd sat down at the table, she gave him a wide smile. "What?" he asked, being completely confused by her happiness. "Come on, John, you know why I'm smiling." He just slowly shook his head. "Because finally you're both admitting the truth." she said, still smiling. "What? Why both of us?" Now he was completely confused. "Because obviously you feel the same way about him."He stared at her with an open mouth. "Mary, no, I married you for a reason, I…" he started stuttering. "Are you really trying to tell me he was always just a friend to you?" she now asked, raising her eyebrows. "Well no… But he died and then I met you and I fell madly in love with you." he said, starting to wildly gesture with his hands. He couldn't believe what was happening. "I absolutely believe you, Darling, but Sherlock always was and always will be your first choice." she said calmly. He couldn't even say anything, he just stared at her. He wanted to keep arguing, but deep down he knew, he felt, that she was right.

He didn't even have to say anything; she was already giving him a knowing look and to his surprise, still smiled. "How can you be so calm Mary?" he asked quietly. "I knew, John. I always knew. At the beginning I thought it wouldn't matter, because Sherlock was dead and I didn't care being your second choice. But when he came back I immediately knew this would happen eventually. Of course I was sad, I still am, bit I've accepted it." He briefly shook his head and took one of her hands over the table. "How can you accept something like that?" he whispered. "I love you." she said, a tear running down her cheek, "I want nothing in the world more than for you to be happy."And when she gave him the same sad smile Sherlock had given him, the same smile the murderer they'd caught today had had on her face, John suddenly understood everything.

He quickly got up, walked over to Mary's side of the table, wiped the tear off her cheek and kissed her deeply for what he knew would be the last time. "I love you, Mary." he whispered. "I love you too, John." she whispered back, "But you should hurry, I'm sure Sherlock is longing for you." He looked at her once more with a questioning look and she gave him an approving nod. "Good luck, Darling." she said as he let go of her hand. He looked at her and smiled, never wanting to forget that this was what true strength, true love looked like.

Sherlock was playing the violin, trying to get some distance from his thoughts, when his phone buzzed on the table. Usually he would ignore it while playing, but he couldn't stop himself from hoping it was John. And to his surprise, it really was. "21:30 at Angelo's. I know it may be inconvenient, but please come. JW", the text message read. For a moment he thought about not going because, for the first time in his life, he wasn't sure what was going to happen and it kind of frightened him. But when he finally grabbed his coat and walked out the door, he knew he couldn't have stayed home anyway, because whatever was going to happen, they had been heading towards it from the start.

Sherlock immediately noticed the lit candle on the table when he sat down next to John in silence. "I thought this would make it more romantic." John said quietly, noticing what Sherlock was looking at. And suddenly the tension was gone and they both started giggling, like back then in the Buckingham Palace. But it didn't take them long to get serious again and they just looked at each other for a long moment. "4th of February 2010." John suddenly said, breaking the silence, and it took Sherlock only the blink of an eye to understand. "Really? What about Mary?" he asked not quite being able to believe that John was actually being serious. "It doesn't matter, Sherlock. I want you. For real. It was always you and it will never be anybody else." And then they finally kissed, as if they were the only two people in the world. It was a passionate, longing kiss, an expression of feelings that had been held back for years.
When they parted for a brief moment, because Angelo was walking by, giggling like a little child, Sherlock said with a wide grin: "We solved our first case together on the 3rd." And after kissing him again, John, grinning in the same manner, replied: "I know."