I always look at you like you're an angel, a godess who came down from the sky above to bless us. A saviour for me, and my people. Before her all I knew was pain and that love is the biggest weakness someone could have. Being fragile and vulnerable, leting yourself feel and show affection has always been forbidden. I've learned my lesson. Love is weakness. I've been proven right countless of times. Costia was my first mistake. Loving her was wrong in so many ways, but I had hope. I was young and rekless, and oh, so stubborn. I am the Commader, I have absolute power and my word is law and loving her came so easy and naturally that I never thought twice about the consequences, or rather, who could prohibit me of doing as I please. I know that Titus warned me, told me endless of time that I was a fool for trusting my feelings,that loving her clouded my judgemnt. That it will end in blood and tears and broken hearts. But seeing her smile whenever I glanced at her, feeling her flesh against mine and hearing her whispering "Lexa..." in my ear over and over again in the solace of our bed made me think that "us" can be real, can be forever and impenetrable. It made me think that maybe, maybe life is more than just about surving.

Then,it came death. I've seen it before, I've seen what it can do and how much can hurt. But I never actually undersood what it means, how people cand be so affected by this concept. Death was only natural and supposed to happen, it was how the Universe worked. One must die so others can live. But how could I live when Costia died? How could I bring happiness to others when I couldn't even get it for myself? How could the dead help the living?

Weeks passed and with every day I added another brick to the wall around my heart, I started to actually hear what Titus was saying and did as he adviced me. He was the voice of reason, loud and clear and the only thing that made any sense anymore. I became rutheless and feared, imposing among the other clans, respected. I created the coalition, swallowed dawn my feelings and accepted the Azgeda in the union, all for the greater good. I was dead. But then, you burned 300 of my people. And from their ashes's I was reborn. Their death, brought you to me, brought the sky to the earth, heart to mind. You walked into my tent as if you owned the place, confident steps, head held high as if you already knew that you'd take my breath away. For the first time in my life, I felt small. And I was fine with that, I was ready to submit to you, to your every need and want and to make you my everything.

When I betrayed you, it stung. And I'm sorry to this day for it and although I did it for my people, I must admit that I was afraid. Afraid of letting you in, stripping me down of every wall I spent so much time building and reinforcing it over the years and that you'll see me as I truly am: weak. Because I feel for every and each one of my people that die, knowing that before they are a warrior they are someone's child, parent or lover, that they are someone's everything while I'm supposed to use them as objects.

Over those three months I've had plenty of time to think and worry about you and what I've done to you. When I heard that the Queen of Azgenda wishes to find and murder you I simply couldn't let you be anymore. I knew you were mad, but I guess that after our reunioun "mad" was and understatement. Yet, knowing that you're here, in Polis, safe and sound made nothing else matter. I could deal with you hating me all your life, it would be hard but bearable. Your death, however, will ruin me,and there's only so much pain I can take.

When you placed the knife to my throat and wanted to take my life, I let you. I know I did you wrong and put a bounty on your head when I left you at the Mountain. I took your life and in exchange I give you mine to do as you please. Death by your hands will give me peace. If you need me to die so you could be happy again I'd gladly subdue. But you didn't. You spared me and when I looked into your watery eyes I knew there was hope. Hope that one day you might forgive me and I was determined to fight for the rest of my days to get it.

I changed. I let myself feel again, you were my heart and I followed you. Let you speak and take charge, let you guide me like a light in the dark. You gave me maybes and dreams and happiness again. You kissed me and I knew that that things do become better, and it is indeed worth fighting for what you love. Then you took me to bed and showed me that dreams can transform into reality and they don't shatter in a night because when the morning came you were still next to me, tracing your fingers over my back and asking questions and you were so very real and there and happy. I kissed you numerous times and held your hand under the covers to make sure that you're still near me. You tried once or twice to get out of bed only to have me pulling you back in and holding you close. I've never felt myself smile so much.