A Very Bleached St. Patty's Day
Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto was not having a good day. His wrinkle cream had expired and Sasakibe was staunchly refusing to pay for more. Worse, it was St. Patrick's Day. Perhaps the old captain-commander's least favorite holiday, he had to endure the copious amounts of drinking and debauchery that came with the holiday. Now, gazing upon his protege, Shunsui Kyoraku, passed out drunk on the floor only served to fuel his contempt.
Yamamoto whacked the 8th Division captain with his cane. No response. He growled to himself. "This is absurd...I banned the consumption of alcohol on this day last year after 'The Incident', yet they still insist on defying my orders. Pestilent little sockpuppets. I ought to consume them in flames for this travesty!" He looked at Kyoraku's bottle of Irish vodka. "Knocked himself right out, hm? I'll be damned if he makes me carry his sorry body."
Suddenly, Kyoraku sprung up. "AHHHH, A SQUIRREL! GET IT AWAY!" He whacked Yamamoto across the head so hard with the vodka bottle, it shattered. Though the captain-commander was very durable, the force of the blow knocked him out. Shunsui ran away screaming in terror from the army of invisible squirrels chasing him. A girl in a pink dress and blonde pigtails appeared. "Poor old man~." she said. "Howzabout we turn that frown upside-down~?" She dragged his unconscious body away.
Meanwhile, Lille Barro was speaking with Toshiro Hitsugaya. "I'm sorry but you're looking for what?" asked Toshiro. "Need I repeat myself? I'm searching for a leprechaun. After losing my job at McDonald's I'm in need of some quick money. And a pot of leprechaun's gold should amend that." "OK dude, look...this whole 'destroy every holiday' nonsense needs to stop sometime. For crying out loud, every time you try you get your ass kicked. And why, dear lord why is Kurosaki's sister still with you?" "Senpai gives me cookies!" shouted Yuzu Kurosaki. "That's creepy and most likely illegal, but back to the original point. What the hell makes you think there's a leprechaun here?"
Before Lille could respond, a green-garbed figure hopped onto Toshiro's head. It was Yamamoto, dressed as a leprechaun. "Good day to ya, lads! Don't mind me none, just enjoyin' me favorite day o' the year, ya know? And now I be off!" He hopped away jovially. Toshiro stood stunned. "...um...you wouldn't be in the mood to ignore that, would you?" he asked. "No." responded Lille. As he began walking after Yamamoto, Toshiro spoke up. "Dude, even if you catch him what makes you think he has a pot of gold?" "I'll give you my cantanke-you know what, screw it. I do heroin. A lot. Like, I'm not even going to hide it/ Are you of the mindset to stop me?" said Lille. Toshiro said nothing. "I didn't think so. Come, my ward!" "Okey-dokey!" They walked away as Toshiro stood in silence.
Moments later he pulled out his phone and dialed. "Hello, Royal Guard? It's me. We're gonna need a doctor. Things are about to get nasty. Yes, moreso than usual. K, thanks." A shadow appeared below Toshiro. He looked up, saw what was coming, and moved to the side. A large pillar landed on the ground with great force. The door on the pillar opened and out stepped a man with a large pompadour, chewing on a straw. "Christ on a cracker, Nancy, ya had to interrupt my sponge bath?" he asked. "First of all, EWWW. Second, it's urgent, Tenjiro. Third, how many times must I repeat that I'm a boy?" "Not with that fashion sense you ain't, Trudy. Now tell me what's up or else you're gonna be hearing more than clever cynicisms from here on."
Elsewhere, Rangiku Matsumoto spoke with Shuhei Hisagi. "Shuheeeei, pretty please~?" "No. I'm not getting in trouble for drinking again, Rangiku. You remember 'The Incident', right?" "Yeah, that was great, wasn't it?" "Not for me it wasn't! My spleen's still recovering. My spleen won't forget. My spleen won't ever forget. Besides, what if the captain-commander finds out?" Right on cue, Yamamoto popped out...from in-between Rangiku's breasts. "Good day to ya, lassie and laddie! Mighty fine pair o' knockers ya got here, lass! Believe me, I've checked thouroughly, I have. Now before I bid ya good day-" He firmly kissed Rangiku as her and Shuhei's eyes widened. Yamamoto disappeared into Rangiku's breasts.
Lille observed from afar as Yamamoto was frolicking across the Seireitei. "Hey Chicken-Senpai, what do you plan to do once you catch him? What if he doesn't have any gold?" asked Yuzu. "What did I say about calling me that? And of course he has gold, what leprechaun doesn't?" He went back to looking through his binoculars. "Um, another question, Senpai." "Grrrr...what now?" "Well, I was wondering...if you shoot the leprechaun with your gun, will Lucky Charms explode everywhere?" "I sincerely doubt it." He returned to the binoculars, only for Tenjiro to pop up in front. "Alright, Betty, show's over." "Wha-?! Who are you?" "Who am I? I'm somebody who doesn't make stupid decisions with his life, how did you not get that?"
Yamamoto suddenly popped up next to them. "Good day to ya, lads! I-whoa!" He dodged as Lille lunged at him. "Come here, you contemptuous curmudgeon! Forfeit your gold to me, NOW!" He began chasing Yamamoto, who simply frolicked away. Tenjiro sighed. "Why do you have to make me do stuff?" He ran after. "Hey-!" said Yuzu before they all ran off. "Hmmm...I gotta help Chicken-Senpai out somehow...hmmm...I did see this really stupid horror movie about leprechauns the other day...what was it called?"
In the 3rd Division barracks, Rose was putting away his Gaston costume. "It was fun while it lasted, but it's time to hang up the tights. I need to refocus my life...find other things I could be doing...maybe focus on charity work, or help build an orphanage! I'm going to be so productive!" As he started walking away, Yamamoto popped in and frolicked past. Rose looked confused, and did not notice when Lille came crashing throught the window and landing on tip of him. He gave chase, and Tenjiro did the same moments later. Rose lay on the floor. Izuru walked over to him. "C-captain! Are you OK?" Rose got back up and looked to his closet. "OK...no. I'm not. I've been publically humiliated! Why it's more than I can bear!" "No, sir, please, you just came back..." He began to put the costume back on. "Now it's time to take some action, it's time to fiiiiiiiight~!" Izuru silently cursed.
Meanwhile, Byakuya Kuchiki stepped out of his barracks, to loud applause from seemingly nowhere. He saw Yuzu looking through his grass. "Come on...has to be one somewhere..." she said. Before Byakuya could question anything, Yamamoto ran past, followed by Lille, Tenjiro, and Rose (now garbed as Gaston, with a shotgun on his back). They left Byakuya spinning around, his haori falling off. Yuzu picked something up. "Found it~! Huh-?!" She looked and saw Byakuya wearing a green, clover-printed dress. Silence for a few moments. "Uh...I can explain." said Byakuya.
Yamamoto leapt onto a building in the middle of Seireitei. Lille arrived shortly after. "It's over, you old fool! You can't run from me forever! Now hand me your gold!" "You'll just have ta come and get it yerself, boyo!" said the captain-commander. Tenjiro arrived soon after. "M'kay, there's gonna be none of this mularkey, I'm just gonna give ya both an Irish whip and dance my way outta here-" Rose arrived brandishing his shotgun. "Stand back, naives! No one shoots like Roston-" Rangiku arrived and knocked Rose over. "There's the dirty old coot! If I get any kind of disease from him then this'll hurt twice as hard!"
As the four argued, Yamamoto danced around by himself. Meanwhile, Toshiro began setting up a ladder behind the building Yamamoto was on. "'Use this ladder to give yourself a boost', they said." he grovelled to himself. "Howzabout using my greasy Japanese Death God cock to whack you across the fucking face-" He climbed atop the building, and as he got close to Yamamoto, a voice wrang out.
"Hey!" the voice yelled. Everyone looked up and saw Yuzu holding a slingshot. In it was a rock with a four-leaf clover attached to it. "FUCK YOU, LUCKY CHARMS." Yuzu released the rock and it went straight into Yamamoto's mouth. He began reacting poorly, and fell off the roof, unconscious. Lille immediately went over and searched through his pockets. He found Yamamoto's wallet and pulled out $40 from it. "Good enough. You didn't see me!" He vanished in a cloud of red white and blue smoke.
Later, Yamamoto was asleep in his bed. His alarm clock went off. "Seven AM, wakin' up in the morning, gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs-" He suddenly woke up, and began attempting to turn it off. "Gotta get down to the bus stop-" He finally settled on destroying the alarm. He grovelled. "Urrrr...Chojiro, maybe next time you could make my alarm a little MORE annoying?" "Uhuh, uhuhuhuhuh. That'sh right and I'd do it again, ya shtupid old codger!" Chojiro yelled from outside. Yamamoto opened the door. Rangiku stood there, and proceeded to slap him in the face before walking away in a huff. Yamamoto stood confused.
He walked to where his office was. He heard music inside. He opened the door. Chojiro sat at his desk, holding a bottle of beer and smoking a cigar, as Byakuya danced around a pole in a green dress. They looked at the bamboozled captain-commander. "Uh...I can explain." said Byakuya.
ZA ENDO