Work Hard and Play Even Harder

by Hawkwitch

Seq. to Work Hard and Play Harder. Things get a more embarrassing groove. Bernard succumbs to temptation to chase Dorothy. Also gives some invaluable career tips to trainees and his infamous mother-in-law visits. Bernard throws a party to celebrate his 20th wedding anniversary. This ends with a maximum fiasco, when Sir Humphrey and Sir Frank get into a fight. PG-13

Title: Work Hard and Play Even Harder
Characters: Bernard Woolley & friends, fools, family
Genre: Humour
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: foul language, violence, sarcasm
Summary: Sequel to Work Hard and Play Harder – things get a slightly more embarrassing groove. Bernard succumbs to temptation to chase Dorothy. He also gives some invaluable career tips to trainees and his infamous mother-in-law visits. In the end, Bernard throws a wild party to celebrate his 20th wedding anniversary. Everything ends with a maximum fiasco, when Sir Humphrey and Sir Frank get into a fight. Takes place during Smoke Screen and before The Key.

***

Mrs. Dorothy Weinwright could hear voices from the gents' toilet.
„What I'm telling you, George, is in complete confidence, of course, but Hacker's bluffing. His elaborate new scheme is... well... bluff. He is willing to make significant concessions if The Treasury acts within reason. Unless your chap Gordon starts a pissing-contest, then the whole thing falls flat in a week."
„Look, Bernard, I see your point, but if I say a word about it, then it's a sure bet Gordon takes it as an inspiration and indeed starts a pissing-contest... I think we should file it under A.O.P."
„Above Our Pay-grade. Well, cannot fight you on this one."

Bernard was rather bored with his lonely lunches in No 10.

Crikey, I hate confusion. Is Mrs. Weinwright a WB – Wrong Broad – or not? She is a) NOT a wife of an Oxford gentleman b) NOT a high-ranked civil servant c) NOT an aristocrat d) NOT a TV newsreporter e) NOT a wife of a Minister. So technically she does not fall into the wrong broads category, I guess... but then again, she lacks proper education and may not understand the importance of discretion? Crikey, I need a second opinion, but there's noone to ask!

„I'm going out for lunch, in case you are not too busy, perhaps you'd like to join me, Mrs. Weinwright?" Bernard said.
„Well, Bernard, if you wait another 10 minutes, I'll be ready." Mrs. Weinwright said.
He took her out for lunch every day for the whole week. On Friday night he took her out for dinner. However – not to a top-notch restaurant.

Cannot let The Gentlemen see me with her...

„Mrs. Weinwright? Personally, I'd totally shag her. Maybe even twice." Lloyd Prichard said, when they met in the tennis club on Saturday.

However, things got an unexpected twist, which confirmed my suspicions that she lacks proper education and indeed does not understand the importance of discretion. Sad...

„What's the meaning of this, Bernard? I've heard from... an informed source that you were in the gents loo with The Treasury crowd and called me a bluffer?" The Prime Minister growled at him. „ME? But I'm The Prime Minister!"
„Prime Minister, calling it a „crowd" is a rather wild exaggeration..." Bernard said sourly.
„Oh, don't quibble, Bernard! You know what I mean! You've been quoted word-by-word! I wonder, what your game is..." The Prime Minister said nervously.
„In that case, Prime Minister, it ought to be obvious that I have not said anything inappropriate and I merely exchanged information with my good colleague for the sole purpose of breaking the deadlock in your negotiations with The Treasury." Bernard said, looking at him emptily.
It looked like Jim Hacker's fluid mind had already jumped to an entirely new though.
„Did not say anything inappropriate? I heard from Dorothy... errr... the informed source, that you used some rather juicy terms like „pissing-contest"... or more precisely Frank starting a pissing-contest! And your friend suggested he should not be encouraged! PISSING-CONTEST!" James Hacker laughed to tears.
„Yes, Prime Minister."

The Friday after that, I was having a dinner with other Principal Private Secretaries. Quite frankly, we got... bombed. The discussion turned slightly embarrassing, alas.

„As you seem to know everything about right and wrong broads, may I pose a hypothetical question?" Charles, the Principal Private Secretary to The Minister of Defence slurred.
„Ahem... yes and no. I know very little about the right ones, alas. For me there's just ONE right one and this is Mrs. Woolley." Bernard said.
„Alright, man, I reframe it then: you know quite a lot about the wrong broads." Charles said. „I'm fairly intrigued to ask, where female Ministers fall?"
„Uhuh. Man, that would be just... unprecedented. I do not even know any chaps who have gone there. Therefore, I know not." Bernard said.
Lloyd started laughing and interrupted: „Charles, old boy, have you gone barkers? The only female Minister we have right now is The Minister of Education and she is this sort of a broad, you'd only hit with a baseball bat!"
„It was a purely hypothetical question. I simply wonder, whether it would be gravely embarrassing or very gravely embarrassing?"
„Well, thank you for clarifying, I believe I understand the question now." Bernard slurred and wondered, how'd he become so bold. „It should not be very gravely embarrassing. So I assume, it is merely gravely embarrassing in a sense, it is only a little more embarrassing than banging strippers."

I wonder if I'm going to regret having this discussion? Since it's me, I probably am. On Saturday, my wife woke me up at noon. She said that her mother comes for a visit. Crikey! I told her to take her shopping and suggested that special treats can be bought at my expense. Catherine, obviously, liked the idea. Then she requested that I'd give my car to her for the trip. I never say „no" to her. But in this case... I declined. I mean... how do I put it... I declined. It might have come off, as if I was suggesting she is an awful driver... Catherine got very angry. I told her to let George drive them around – she is his mother, not mine. So I was left home alone. Read some magazines and eventually got bored. It was a little too early to go out. So I called George's wife. Mary was just as bored as I was and I went to her place.

„You did not hear it from me, but George gave the keys of our house to his mother. Now the old trout keeps on coming for a visit at times, when she could not be any less welcome." Mary said.
„Uhuh... she has a strong personality and I see the dilemma, I guess..." Bernard said, disturbing imagery flashing through his head.

We put our two lifetime-in-civil-service-brains together and thought hard, what to do for the rest of the day. Eventually we figured out the least novel idea, that we find two more people and play mixed-doubles. So we picked up Lloyd and Mary's colleague from The Ministry of Foreign Affairs and went to the tennis club, where we stayed till closing at 10 PM. When I went home, things got rough. My mother-in-law has a very strong personality. Apparently the old trout had snooped around in my study and found some magazines, even Catherine had not been able to find. Hell broke loose, as she started screaming, that whenever she discovered her husband – who naturally was not as bad as me in the first place – doing this kind of sordid things, she always put him into a house arrest. Then another kicker – she demanded the keys to my apartment. Crikey! I declined. I mean... how do I put it... I declined. It might have come off as if I was suggesting her to get stuffed. Monday morning started off badly in No 10. Apparently some schmuck had told their Minister about Friday night and it reached The Prime Minister in no time, as gossip moves faster than the speed of light.

„I'm appalled, Bernard! You compared Ministers to strippers? How could you do such thing? So this is how the civil service spends their weekends?" The Prime Minister growled at Bernard.
„Uhh... Prime Minister, this quote is not exact and what you call a comparison is something that is... uhh... completely ripped out of it's appropriate context. And you may even find out it was probably somebody else, in the first place, who said that..." Bernard said, giving The Prime Minister an innocent blank glare.
„What were you saying? I must say, I've always suspected you are one quite a disturbed person!" The Prime Minister said.
„"Disturbed", Prime Minister? The first known use of the word in the English language is known from the 14th century. It originates from the latin word disturbare, which as a verb means to disturb, to bother or to trouble..." Bernard said, staring The Prime Minister emptily.
„Huh? What was that supposed to mean? Are you alright Bernard? Or your weekend was indeed rough enough to produce a blackout? Well, that happens to the best of us... wakey-wakey, Bernard, is there anybody home?" James Hacker waved his hand in front of Bernard's eyes.

I was, in fact, tempted to answer „No, Prime Minister" to that last profoundly philosophical question. Later, apparently, Dorothy spoke to The Prime Minister, that Sir Humphrey had said in the gents' toilet something that included the following terms and phrases: „The PM", „imbecile", The Cabinet", „circus" and „accumulative collective stupidity". Bordering on direct, but what actually makes it slightly embarrassing is, that he was alone and speaking to himself.

„That impossible woman needs to be removed from that office!" Sir Humphrey told to Bernard.
„Why, Sir Humphrey? If I were to be bold, then I would suggest that there is a lot of potential of her being there. First, disinformation could be spread that way. Second, she is not that awful when spoken nicely to, and I guess we could find out a lot about what other people are speaking..."
„My dear Bernard, are you questioning my judgement?"
„N-no, Sir Humphrey."
„Then do as I told you to do!"

Well, pardon me for breathing. What I said, actually makes sense. But maybe the problem is in you? Get stuffed!

„May I be so bold and ask, where you are going for your vacation, Mrs. Weinwright?" Bernard asked, with a slight smirk. He was lunching with her again.
„Barcelona." Mrs. Weinwright replied with a smug grin.
„Neat."
„People say that you abhor vacations... and leave London only if forced to. Makes me wonder, whether there is something horribly wrong with you." Mrs. Weinwright said.
„Well, generally I indeed abhor vacations and leave London only if forced to and some people might speculate that there is something horribly wrong with me and they might even be right, and I cannot even name anything specific, but I believe... uhh... that if, purely hypothetically, you were to ask me, I would make an exception just for you and go with you... uhh... even to Barcelona." Bernard bluthered.
„Nice try, Bernie, but I'm going with my family. Even though... you can take me out to dinner on Friday night... but pick a better restaurant this time!" Mrs. Weinwright said.

Well, game on! So I did exactly as she told me and took her to a... slightly better restaurant... but still not one of those, where I could run into The Gentlemen, naturally, pardon me. Later I drove her home and it so happened, that we shagged in my car in front of her house... she will be on vacation for the next two weeks, it's going to be sad and I guess I have to resort to lunching with my brother-in-law again.

In principle, if I were bold enough to quote „the classics", then doing what we are doing right now could be categorized as „accumulative collective stupidity". Right now I am busy with reorganizing the No. 10 facilities. But in practise, doing this task is a lot of fun and reminds me of those good old days when I had a real job. Even though, I had assumed that Sir Humphrey had calmed down eventually and forgotten about this stupid scheme of relocating Mrs. Weinwright's office. But apparently not. By the way – I got a trainee for one week. Funny kid.

„Does career in civil service require any talent, Mr. Woolley?" A bright-eyed last-year student from Oxford asked.
Bernard laughed out loud and said: „This nearly direct question requires a direct answer, which can be summed up in one elegant word: no."
„But what does it require then?" The boy asked further.
„First and above all: follow the rules. Always. Second: do not make people higher in hierarchy look like schmucks. Third: do not start drinking before 5 PM. Well, that's about it. Follow these simple guidelines and you'll do absolutely fine." Bernard said to the trainee. „I would say that having talents is an optional extra, but in case you really have any, not just imagine you do, then you might also consider getting yourself a real job. Oh, by the way, having balls is even worse than having talent. In case you have balls, do no show them! Err... what I just said probably came off incredibly rude... but I reasonably assume that a bright last-year student from Oxford does not resort to vulgarities like a literal interpretation."

On Saturday, The Gentlemen and I took our trainees with us and went to a car-expo. It was supremely awesome. Funnily enough, I ran into my first boss from MoD. I gave him a slight nod, but did not really speak to him. I cannot.

„Let me make one thing absolutely clear, kids. The rules are meant to be followed ALWAYS. No exceptions. If you choose career in civil service, then there might be occasions when sordid things happen and following the rules and not making people higher in hierarchy look like like schmucks run into a severe conflict. In that specific case, remember what I said about the rules: rules are meant to be followed ALWAYS. It is very important to understand that the first guideline overrides the second."
„May I also contribute something?" Lloyd said and giggled. „Woolley also taught me with a real-life example, that the second guideline overrides the third. In case not making people higher in hierarchy look like schmucks and not drinking before 5 PM run into a severe conflict, then you should go for not making people higher in hierarchy look like schmucks."

The next week was a real pain. I had already finished with the task of reorganizing the facilities and had nothing exciting to do. The trainee was gone and Dorothy had not returned yet. Alright, alright, she'll probably never give any to me again after finding out where her office has been relocated. Occupied myself with making final preparations for my 20th wedding anniversary that was meant to take place on Saturday. Catherine and I had reserved a restaurant for this evening. We invited everybody who is somebody. That means our family of course, and what can be referred to as our extended family: high-ranked civil servants and some nice people from the other side of The Revolving Door, we went to Oxford with. The pre-party actually started on Friday 5 PM.

Bernard gave a speech on his 20th wedding anniversary: „Catherine and I have been married for 20 years. All of it has been a real blast. Sometimes literally. You probably meet only ONE right woman throughout your life anyway and you should definitely go for it. And something very important I've learned is, that the secret to a happy marriage is knowing your place and never arguing with your wife. In a month, coincidentally, it's also going to be the anniversary for us having been in civil service for 20 years. All of it has been a real blast. Sometimes literally. Another very important thing that I have learned is, that whenever I get sad, I stop being sad and get awesome instead!"
„Bernard, you should not get any more „awesome" tonight!" Catherine elbowed him into the ribs.

The monday will probably not be very awesome. I quite frankly do not remember all details of what happened on Saturday... but since it was my wedding anniversary, everybody got pissed, and something embarrassing just had to happen, of course. At around 3 AM, Sir Humphrey got into some sordid argument with Sir Frank. George and I tried to negotiate peace, but that made things only worse and somehow ended the four of us swimming in a fountain, alas. I started laughing like mad at the absurdity of this. None of it hardly matters anyway, noone will have guts to talk about this embarrassing incident.

FIN.