Disclaimer: NO! I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING! Understood? XD
A/N: I was hurting like hell and needed to vent...So out came this. Read and review please :)
Olivia Benson lay snug in her bed. The soft white linen sheets caressed her relaxed form as the chestnut brunette lay in that precious limbo between subconscious and reality. Liv's eyes were still closed, but she could smell the scent of vanilla and berries and hear the quiet breathing of the occupant beside her. She reached across the bed, expecting warmth but felt nothing but the blanket covering her. Confused and still not fully awake, she rose up ever so slightly. The detective reached again, but her search was in vain for her fingers found nothing but pillows and a comforter. Olivia finally sat up and realized she was all alone. Her brown eyes that had been cloudy with sleep now glistened with unshed tears. "Alex…" she breathed.
The silence and cold of her apartment finally made itself known to her. Did she really just imagine that? The warmth? The prescence? The smell? It was all so real… Olivia blinked back the tears. She wasn't going to cry, no matter how much her heart ached for a platinum blonde that had been ripped away from her more than a year ago. She had stopped crying when she realized she wasn't moving on. Olivia's weary eyes looked over to her alarm clock and found that she had woken up about five minues before her alarm would ring. Liv tugged off the blanket and sheets, it's warmth only serving as an aching reminder of happier days, and padded over to the bathroom. Her cold feet found a pair of slippers as protection against the wood floors. She walked over to the sink and turned on the water, the cool liquid fully woke her up as it splashed against her face. The detective tried in vain to forget the very real memory of Alexandra Cabot. Of course, it wasn't working in the slightest. Olivia's mind flashed back to the time she came back to testify against Liam Connors.
"You making any new friends?" Olivia asked out of care and curiousity.
Alex bit her bottom lip as she looked away from the window depicting an average New York night, "There's a claim's adjuster at the insurance company where I work…and we've been seeing each other."
I can feel her breath as she's sleeping next to me
Sharing pillows and cold feet
She can feel my heart, fell asleep to its beat
Under blankets and warm sheets
If only I could be in that bed again
If only it were me instead of him
Olivia had felt hatred before. Hate for the perps that acted tough after raping a defenseless woman, hate for the people that abused children for no damn good reason and hate when a hump gave her a shit-eating grin because a jury found him "not guilty." But this? It was loathing. Loathing for a man she had never even met. Sheer, hot, burning in your chest, makes you want to hit a wall loathing. Yet Alex sounded…well happy…so Olivia kept it inside.
Does he watch your favorite movies?
Does he hold you when you cry?
Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts?
When you've seen it a million times
Does he sing to all you music
While you dance to "Purple Rain"?
Does he do all these things
Like I used to?
Dressed, the seasoned detective grabbed a jacket and headed out to her car, the memory of Alex still present in her mind…especially her glacier blue eyes. Eyes as chilly as the New York air that swirled around her, that could freeze a person where they stood as she prosecuted them or melt into pools of cobalt as she enjoyed Olivia's touch. God more than anything she missed those eyes. The way they could be so expressive when Olivia was with her. As if she made her whole day better. The traitorous prick of tears returned and she shifted her attention to where she would be getting coffee.
Lunch hit a lull for Liv and Elliot, and they were able to actually eat without having to pour over case files. However the moment was ruined when El conspicuously cleared his throat. Olivia looked up from her turkey-bacon sandwich. "You all right there, partner?" the brunette inquired to her masculine friend.
Silvery-blue eyes peered over the day's paper. To anybody else Elliot would have probably looked like he was his usual stoic self, but Olivia knew him better than his own kids did and she could see the worry he tried to conceal.
"You read the society column?" He asked as he took a swig from his coffe mug.
A fine dark eyebrow rose up, "No, why?" Liv questioned back as she set her sandwich down and crossed her arms over her chest.
Elliot slowly got up and folded the paper, "I think you should see this." He whispered so that only Olivia would hear.
Confused at the request, the female detective complied. Her brown eyes widened in shock at the sight before her. Live bolted up, her muscles making the motion smooth and effortless, despite the grief suddenly fueling it. "Tell the Captain I'm heading out on an errand." She called as she strutted out of the precinct. Elliot nodded in the affirmative but Liv didn't see it since she was already halfway to the elevator.
Olivia attempted to drive at a normal pace, but she was was gripping the steering wheel so tightly, her tan knuckles were turning white. It felt like it was her only tether to reality. Alex…Alex, Alex, Alex. She was back. She was in New York. She was back…
Was it real this time? Olivia wondered. Countless dreams and fantasies were construed from the idea that Alex would one day be back in New York… but she never thought she'd find out this way… to the knowledge of Alex getting engaged…
The detective was shaking as she parked in front of the building crawling with ADA's, bureau chiefs and any other political advocate you could think of. Olivia gave a smirk at that…bureau chief, it sounded so like her. The brunette raised her hand to the door handle but she just couldn't bring herself to get out of the car. Her hands that could grip a gun without shaking were clammy with sweat as she looked up at the stony gray building…wondering what floor Alex was on. Liv's mind drifted back to happier memories.
Fourteen months and seven days ago
Oh I know you know
How we felt about that night
Just your skin against the window
Oh we took it slow
And we both know…
Alex was naked save for her pencil skirt and bra. Olivia had shed her jacket, it's weight had become oppressing, making her skin hotter than she could handle. Their lips drank from each other, their soft moans filling the air in the detective's apartment.
Olivia had invited Alex over to her place to talk after having gone to the bar with the rest of the detectives and she would never forget the lawyer's response to her offer.
"About time detective." She quipped as she looped her arm through Olivia's. The pleased grin on the detective's face would have put the sun to shame. What shoud have been friendly conversation, became something the two had denied for far too long. Oliva pressed Alex against the window, the blonde emitted a surprised gasp at the feel of the cool glass against her burning skin. The brunette wasn't worried. The window didn't really face anywhere important. Brown eyes gazed adoringly over the body she was finally able to hold in her arms. Alex's silky smooth white skin would have made Michelangelo weep.
"Are you sure about this?" Olivia whispered next to Alex's ear while leaving a trail of soft loving kisses down her throat. Olivia couldn't stop touching this woman if her life depended on it.
"I've never been more sure of anything in my life." Came the breathy response as Alexandra buried her head in the coconut and orchid scent that was Olivia Benson.
She was rudely brought out of her reverie by the sound of a black mitsubishi lancer but the figure exiting out of the car made a whole flood of memories come crashing over her. Alex Cabot stepped out in her usual haughty demeanor. The black blazer she wore had obviously been tailored to her every curve, the pencil skirt encased her creamy mile long legs and a pair of black rectangular glasses that Olivia had missed to a ridiculous degree, were perched delicately on her aristocratic face…and she was only five cars away from her.
For some reason, it felt like she hadn't left…like the detective had been whole her entire life and the time they had been seperated from each other was worth it so long as she could feel Alex in her arms again. Olivia's heart pounded ridiculously fast as she fumbled with the belt strapping her to her car but she stopped short.
Another figure exited out of the car…a man. He was dressed nicely enough, as if he were going to a press conference…and he looked kind, nothing like a person Olivia would be feeling an insane amount of jealousy for. Oh God what was his name again? Olivia knew she had glanced at it…Robert….Robert-something…Alex's fiancee…
It shoulda been me inside that car
It shoulda been me instead of him in the dark
Olivia sat frozen, her heart that had felt so whole a second ago now threatened to shatter as she gazed upon the perfect profile of Alexandra Cabot…
Does he watch your favorite movies?
Does he hold you when you cry?
Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts?
When you've seen it a million times
Does he sing to all you music
While you dance to "Purple Rain"?
Does he do all these things
Like I used to?
She had grown out her hair, Liv noticed as Alex tucked a wisp behind her ear…The silky blonde hair that Olivia had loved to stroke as they sat watching "Hearts & Souls" over and over and over again, now flowed to the middle of Alex's elegant back. Olivia looked on in shock in envy at the couple as they entered the building at the same time. Alex's stride was smooth and sure as Robert-something held the door open for her and they disappeared inside. The tears fell…and this time Olivia did nothing to stop them.
I know, love
(Well I'm a sucker for that feeling)
Happens all the time, love
(I always end up feeling cheated)
You're on my mind, love
(Oh sorta let her when I need it)
That happens all the time love yeah
She had never felt so heart-broken in all her life. Olivia silently cried for a love that she suddenly felt stupid for holding onto. The thing beating in her chest no longer felt like a heart… it had done nothing but cause her pain and heartache. It was just an organ that pumped blood through her body… Before she could stop it, Olivia couldn't help but think, Are you happy Alex?
Will he love you like I loved you?
Will he tell you everyday?
Will he make you feel like you're invincible
With every word he'll say?
If Alex was happy…then maybe…just maybe, she could deal. Didn't mean she wasn't hurting more than she ever had before, but if Alex truly did love another and was happy…then perhaps this was for the best. But Olivia would still miss it…all of it. The way they'd leave each other post-it notes to brighten their usually bleak day, the way they'd randomnly buy each other flowers or presents just because…it was gone, all gone and it looked like it was never coming back… The ache in her chest worsened as her body shook with grief at losing Alex again.
Can you promise me if this was right?
Don't throw it all away
The detective's brown eyes gave another last glance at the building's façade. She wiped the last of the tears from her cheeks. "Goodbye, my love." She whispered. Olivia buckled herself back in again and started the car. She took a deep breath to steady herself, making sure that she was all right to drive. "Be happy Alex." She said sincerely, as she finally pulled out of the parking lot.
Can you do all these things?
Will you do all these things?
Like we used to?
Cobalt-blue eyes weeped behind black rectangular glasses as Alex Cabot cried in front of her window overlooking the parking lot. She could spot Olivia's car a mile away and Alex had seen her. Her beautiful empathetic detective that she had been trying so hard to avoid… Alex had missed her too. So much. But she had to be the Bureau Chief now…no matter how much she wanted her old life back, she didn't think she knew how. A pale well manicured hand wiped the tears away and Alexandra Cabot placed a mask on her face that she had perfected with time. If only you knew how much I love you, Olivia. She thought as a familiar ache resounded in her chest. The blonde moved elegantly back to her desk, and sat down to start her paperwork. The action now second nature as she didn't even attempt to rid herself of the memory of Olivia Benson.
Oh like we used to…
A/N: The fact it was under angst should have been a clue...but regardless please tell me what you thought. Thank you :)