Test troubles
Author notes: This is my second fic in the department of the www rinkworks com slash said series. My first is fortune cookies, also check StandingOnTheRooftops fics she has two of the same series. The first is 'Alive without permission' and the second one is 'Sanity is excusable'. I will be doing another fic on this series later I'm planning to do a kindergarten fic with Trowa and Quatre as the teachers talking about things kids say. Please enjoy this fic on test answers! Now you know what teachers do at school so late. They laugh over your silly answers to their tests!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not even the clothes I wear. Seriously Suing me will cost you more then you get.
Chapter 1,
It was almost six in the evening when Doctors Heero Yuy and Quatre Raberba Winner found their colleague Instructor Trowa Barton at the copying machine with Professors Duo Maxwell and Wufei Chang. The latter three teachers were laughing amusedly as Barton showed them one of the tests he was holding. The two smiled. This had become something of an after work hobby for the five young teachers. They had found their students' answers to tests to be most laughable at times. At one evening they happened to all be at the copying machine to copy their results that needed to be posted on the boards the next day and Duo had decided to share some of the hilarious mistakes he found. Since then they made it a habit to bring the tests with the most hilarious answers on them with them on Friday evening at six and meet at the copying machine which happened to be placed strategically next to the coffee machine.
"Check this one. People should not be allowed to shoot extinct animals." Trowa read from the test form he held up.
"Like that is even possible…" Wufei snorted.
"Oh and the dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now." Trowa went on smiling.
"It's impressive he is able to tell that give that those went extinct before his ancestors were even capable of conscious thought." Heero muttered. Trowa pulled up another test file
"To collect fumes of suphur, hold on a deacon over a flame in a test tube." Trowa read. Heero snickered.
"I'd love to see this guy try putting a flame in a test tube." He grinned.
"H2O is cold water CO2 is hot water." Trowa went on.
"Even if CO2 had a liquid form I wouldn't advice drinking it."Quatre said wide eyed.
"This kid was hilarious. 'When you breathe you inspire and when you do not breathe you expire.', 'The largest organ in the human body is the head.' and 'English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.'" Trowa read trying not to burst out in laughter.
"Erm I should hope breathing don't work that way…" Duo mumbled.
"I feel sorry for the farmer." Quatre said nodding his agreement to Duo's words.
"And he's not the worst of them. 'The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. She even drew a cute little flower with a gun." Trowa red from the next sheet before showing the picture. All five laughed at this. Then Duo looked at the sheet a second time.
"Wha? Germinate means to become a naturalized German?" he read. Trowa blinked and looked.
"Oh wow ouch." he said before marking it as wrong and changing the girl's grade as he'd missed that question earlier.
"I saved the last for best. A triangle which has an angel of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle and Algebraical symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about." Trowa read out loud. All of them laughed at this.
"Well that second answer certain explains his first one." Wufei said grinning.
"You think that's good wait until you see the results of the medical exam I gave and I thought I made it easy for once." Heero said producing a neat stack of tests and reading the top most one. He'd sorted them already.
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids two molars and eight cuspidors. I'm not sure what set of teeth he was looking at, but ouch." Heero said looking up. The others just shook their heads.
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." he read from the same sheet.
"Ah yes we must first see if the blood is agreeable to being transfused." Duo said grinning.
"Blood flows down one leg and back the other and for dust in eye: Pull eyelid over the nose." Heero continued. Wufei snorted.
"I sure hope I never become his patient." he said rolling his eyes.
"When you haven't enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier and for fractures: To see if limb is broken giggle it gently back and forth. I actually had high hopes for her too." Heero said shaking his head after he finished reading the next set of weird answers.
"I know laughter is the best medicine, but err I don't think it quite works like that." Quatre said leaning against Trowa and putting his empty coffee cup down.
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead." Heero read just as Wufei took a sip of coffee. The Chinese teacher coughed while Duo patted him on the back helpfully.
"Uhm isn't the goal of this treatment to keep said patient from dying?" Trowa asked dryly causing yet another fit of coughs from Wufei.
"It gets worse. For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat." Heero read from the second last sheet.
"Uhm…that…sounds not only wrong but also sick and Jackson wanted to become a surgeon…" Duo sighed shaking his head.
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops. Well… somehow I think this doesn't seem like the proper way to go about it…" Heero sighed as the other four laughed.
"It cures the nosebleed at least." Wufei remarked.
"True. So Duo what do you have for us tonight?" Heero asked grinning.
"A whole new view on the bible it seems. Listen to this. In some religions a man can have many wives, and this is called polygamy. In our religion a man can have one wife, and this is called monotony." Duo read calmly.
"Hm, one can't help but wonder about his up bring…" Wufei muttered.
"His dad is cheating his mom with some slut from his office. It's to be expected I suppose. Okay this one then. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert." Duo said. All of them laughed at this.
"Well it was at least a sweet death." Heero remarked dryly.
"Agreed. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree." Duo went on.
"Is there anything we can say to this to make it more hilarious? We already did the Pinocchio joke last week with that biology test answer." Trowa said grinning.
"Right next! Samson was a strong man who let himself be led stray by a Jezebel like Delilah." Duo read from the sheet.
"Ah seems things are still not going too well between Jezebel and Lindsay." Wufei said shaking his head.
"Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines." Duo had to lean against Heero a moment as he read the next answer on that same sheet.
"Did he now? Well rather him then me…and I thought 30 sisters was a pain." Quatre sighed.
"Moses died before he ever reached Canada." Duo said once he'd shifted through his sheets looking for another funny answer.
"I doubt Moses was very much bothered by that considering Canada didn't exist at the time." Heero said shaking his head.
"Let's see oh this one is good too. Jason was on a roll today. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on in pears." Duo said trying his best not to laugh. Quatre soon joined him in laughing merrily.
"O-oh ahahah the mental image of that is just…oh god how ever did they fit on such small fruits?" Quatre gasped as Trowa supported his blonde lover grinning at the boy's words.
"Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. Hm perhaps a relation to the human torch huh?" Duo said grinning as he read the third answer.
"Yes Jason has been reading the wrong book for this test I'm sure." Heero sighed.
"Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark." Duo read from another sheet.
"Yeah he wishes." Wufei snorted causing the other four to burst out in laughter.
"Moses went up mount Cyanide to get the ten Amendments. All I can say to this is ouch." Duo said shaking his head.
"Yes remind me to advice against Claire taking science lessons…I have a feeling we may not survive." Heero remarked dryly.
"Okay last one. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him." Duo read.
"Oh yes that is without a doubt the greatest miracle." Trowa agreed laughingly.
"Quatre your turn." Heero said grinning he knew this'd get good. The blond had taken his music class to a recital and had them do a test on it.
"Let's see ah yes. To my question name three female vocal ranges this morning Lissa answered Shania Twain, Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson." Quatre said grinning amusedly.
"Does she even know what you meant?" Trowa asked blinking confusedly.
"No one of her answers on the sheet was Claude Debussy weekend the tonality and that was to the question of what she liked least…I don't even know what she was even trying to answer originally." Quatre said blinking and shaking his head. He accepted another cup of coffee from Wufei before reading on.
"[It] ends with all of them playing a short long note." he said shaking his head.
"Hm…Gerard still struggles with his indecisiveness huh?" Duo asked shaking his head.
"Seems so now this next one surprised me. The trumpets played a tonged horn, when the tempo got fast it got me in an exciting mood and the horn blowed the piano." Quatre read from one of the sheets and showing the other four.
"Oh wow…never knew Willy had such a perverted mind on him." Duo said not missing a beat there.
"Yes I was surprised by his gutter mind. This one then, it was fun to recognize the Rhonda format and predict what forms would be coming up. At least he's consistent in his obsession with the poor girl." Quatre said grinning.
"Poor Rhonda. I feel her pain…" Heero sighed.
"The piano finishes off the piece." Quatre read from the next sheet.
"Whoa violent musical instruments…musta been one hell of a recital." Duo said grinning.
"Quite contrary from where I sat actually. Now Tuba, Trump bone and French horn play…" Quatre read.
"Trump bone?" Wufei asked.
"Play what?" Heero asked at the same time.
"Not sure and don't know. The computer-generated sound came in with a screeching nose. Hm must have happened when I went for coffee…dang." Quatre said laughingly.
"Are you sure he wasn't on drugs at the time?" Wufei snorted.
"Could well be his next answer is 'The movement ends with a final foul note.'" Quatre answered.
"Dang now even recitals play unfair?" Duo blurted out immediately. They all burst out laughing.
"Not much fun in my class I'm afraid. Wufei? Perhaps you've got some Historical blunders for us?" Quatre said grinning as he let Wufei take his place in the middle so he could lean against Trowa again.
"Another tale tells of William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head." Wufei read from the first sheet he held.
"Ouch poor kid…" Heero muttered.
"The system involving barons and lords was called the futile system. While the answer is wrong I can't help but agree with her." Wufei said shaking his head.
"To true. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe." Wufei read on.
"Yes he decidedly disliked the Atlantic. It was simply too big." Quatre snickered.
"The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died, and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this." Wufei said grinning as he turned the up the next sheet.
"Okay that was more then I needed to know." Heero said shaking his head.
"Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. As we should hope he is." Wufei said shaking his head at the answer.
"Agreed. It'd jus be weird if he wasn't still dead." Duo said nodding.
"The Whiskey Rebellion was when some people got smashed and went and rebelled." Wufei read snickering some.
"Uhm…yeah I'd be tempted to ask what he did the weekend before this test…" Quatre said shaking his head.
"Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms." Wufei read.
"Hm as opposed to keeping them covered on top of it." Duo supplied.
"Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Spices." Wufei read from the same sheet before shaking his head.
"Hm…Must've liked spicy food I guess?" Trowa said. They all laughed.
"Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He expired in 1827 and later died for this." Wufei read next.
"Okay…so…he walked around a zombie for what? Five centuries more?" Quatre said amazingly keeping a straight face while saying it before joining the other four in merry laughter.
"Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years." Wufei snickered once more as he read the words.
"Ouch…Now we know why she looks so unhappy on all those portraits." Heero said grinning.
"Queen Victoria's death was the final event which ended her reign." Wufei read once he got himself under control again.
"Ah yes death tends to end reigns quite finally yes." Duo said nodding sagely which caused the other four to once again crack up.
"Okay the last one. The Magna Carta provided that no free men should be hung twice for the same offense." Wufei said whipping his eyes a moment before reading the last funny answer.
"I'd actually like to see them try this." Heero chuckled.
"Well that was fun. Same time next week?" Trowa asked as he supported a helplessly giggling Quatre. The other three affirmed this and left together while Trowa tried to get Quatre to stop giggling long enough to actually walk to his car.
Hope you enjoyed it!