Title: What No One Knows
Summary: She may have fought him off, but the memories still haunt her. Clary after Sebastian's assault. Trigger warning for vague descriptions of attempted rape, and the aftermath.
A/N: This is my first fanfic for TMI, and hopefully there will be more. This one is exploring the consequences of Sebastian's attempted rape of Clary, a story I felt needed to be written. It's short, simple, but I like writing those kinds of fanfics. I hope you like it.
There were certain things you didn't tell people, white lies you tell to get through the day, and to spare their feelings. Spare your own feelings. At times she mastered the ability to lie to herself, hiding the truth behind corners, twisting it into something that could've been more manageable. Yet, she still ended up there eventually.
There was a fine line between the shower's hot water temperature. After a few tries that left her skin scalding, she learned how to turn the dial just enough to get the hot water without the burns. Standing in the cascade of water was the only thing which calmed her down now. She hid it from everyone, but some moments when the light flowed into the room a certain way, or someone got agitated, she would spiral into a panic that she couldn't crawl out of.
Drawing an Iratze on her skin didn't help, it was for physical scars. The mental scars that didn't sit in tissue, didn't have a tangible wound, it couldn't heal that way. It didn't seem fair, that she had the ability to create new runes, bring people back to life even if it was temporarily, yet she couldn't create one that could help her forget.
Sebastian's touch was forever burnt into her skin, eyes black haunting her mind. There were times when the look of Jace's blond hair would be too much for her to bare, the slight resemblance enough to force her to close her eyes and breathe in his scent instead. A pure scent.
Of course she had considered telling people, of opening her lips and describing what happened between her and Sebastian in that house. Though, just the thought of it was too much. It was a nausea at the back of her throat, a shame that her own brother wanted to violate her that way. It was a dirty spot that couldn't be washed away, even though she tried. How could she look anyone in the eyes if they knew what had happened, knew what disgusting thing was about to happen in that house. They would not blame her, she knew that. It was one thing that helped her through it all, knowing that no one would see it as anything but Sebastian's sick twisted games. They would look at her differently, treat her differently.
It made it easier that Jace and her could barely touch. It would've been hard to explain why she twisted away from his grasp when she had welcomed it so enthusiastically before. If the truth came slipping out of her...the knowledge of it would cause a rift between them so large that reparation thoughts would be futile. It would destroy them, she knew that.
Instead of explaining anything she turned it over and over in her head, folding it over itself, tucking it in too small boxes in her mind and would panic when it ripped out. She took to sleeping in her mother's bed again, between her and Luke, their proximity being the only thing that kept the nightmares at bay. She would ignore her mother's worried wordless conversation with Luke above her head as she yet another night curled up against her mother. A part of her felt guilty, knowing that she was keeping them apart, but the selfish part just wanted a few hours where the memories didn't haunt her.
Did the people around her suspect that something was off? Of course they did, but with everything between Jace and the fire within him, and Sebastian's mission to end the world, which she had had a part in, no one would ever come close to suspecting the true reason behind her behavior. Jace didn't remember that Sebastian and her had fought, the severity of the scars she had inflicted on his skin. He wouldn't know that she was close to ending his life, too, for a moment as she held the glass shard above Sebastian's body she imagined how it would be to impale his body with it. That she had slammed it down beside his head instead, a rotten feeling of regret boiling in her stomach.
It was a secret she only shared with Sebastian, what they had worked on, the everyday things like Jace making eggs in the kitchen, the eight lines down his back after her finger nails. Only he knew the look of true horror in her face as he reached for her button, only he knew the murderous glint in her eyes. Only he knew what it was like to have such a power over her, only he knew how her fear smelt. Soon the Silent Brother's would share parts of it, maybe all of it, when they started to come to their senses and understand the knowledge she was sitting on. At the moment they were preoccupied with what the Sword had done to Jace, falling a bit behind on Sebastian and his plan. Had she not been as reluctant to share her memories with them she would have suggested it, to speed the process up and make them focus on finding him. Killing him. She wanted to be the one to kill him, to sink a sword deep into his chest and obliterate him from this world.
Yet she stood still, doing nothing. Sleeping in her mother's bed, steaming herself in the shower, fighting back panic attacks whenever someone touched her waist. It would get easier, she told herself, as time goes it would get easier. By the time Jace's better, she would be back to normal. Yet even that voice in her head didn't convince her. She knew that she would never be the same again. No one would be touching her again that way without the imprint of his touch being there. Whenever Jace would kiss her she would feel Sebastian's cold lips. Eventually she might learn how to make his touch louder, stronger, but now all she could feel was a cold hard touch which made her stomach turn, and face turn white.
There was no need to rush telling anyone, though. For now she could deal with it on her own, focus on getting Sebastian caught instead. Ending him. Her thirst for revenge was stronger than ever.