She finally conviced herself to go back to the state, even if only to pick the last of her things back. She couldn't bring herself to live there. Not since she got Varric's letter, over a year ago. Too many memories lived there. Memories of Hawke, of Bodhan and Sandal, the old Mabari, even memories of the keeper and her clan that finally decided to move on. They were her family, her world, and now they were all gone. Her small house on the alienage held it's own bad memories, but nothing so strong that she had to get away. Inf act, Merril now stayed in there most of the time, seeing the outside world only on the rare occasions that Varric sent someone to check on her, or even more rarely, when he came himself. It moved her that he still found time to worry, even amidst all the chaos that he had taken upon himself. Rebuilding Kirkwall was such a monumental task she was always surprised at his endurance. Even so, not even his friendly face and attempted jests could lift her spirit. She was alone now, nothing to drive her foward. Curiously, she didn't care anymore. She wasn't needed. Ever since Varric came back he and Aveline had helped the Alienage more than she ever did. The mirror had been restored, but somehow it felt empty now, a shell of something she once cared about. And so she stayed there, remembering happier days spent on her beloved Champion's embrace, the smell he had, the feel of his strong arms around her, the shine on his ever laughing eyes. She missed his jokes, his clever remarks about everything and everyone. The way he called her name. Merril. She barely recognized it anymore.
Most days she spent either reading in the dark or looking at the mirror, wondering if today was the day she would step through it. What was stoping her? She had nothing left to go back to, nothing left in Kirkwall. Varric would worry, but it might be weeks before he even notices she was gone. WHy coundn't she just get up and step through it. She wasn't afraid. She just... didn't care. Her world was gone. WHat did it matter if some small part of the past had been restored? She had no one to share it with. Her clan was gone, the other elves around now avoided her, pitying her, some even resented her, since she had lived for a time with a human noble. The Champion of Kirkwall at that. They didn't care that Hawke had helped them time and again. For them he was just a ghost now, a memory that quickly vanished as the mundane problems of day to day life continued. Not to her, however. It seemed that with each passing day Hawke's memory became more vivid. The hole on her chest always growing bigger. She could still see his face, hear his voice, remember his smell, but she would never again feel any of it. Many times had the anger overcomed her. She would throw aside her books, trash her house and sometimes even get out at night and butcher many outlaws that were unlucky enough to cross her way on the darker alleys of lowtown. Worst of all were the incoming news to her doorstep. Inquisition this, inquisition that. Inquisitor liberates area, Inquisitor kills dragon, Inquisitor defeats Corypheus, etc. She did not care what this man did. All she cared about him was that he was the reason for her suffering. He had decided to leave Hawke behind in the Fade, while some stupid warden got to live. Why couldn't they be dead and her Champion alive? Why did she had to always lose everything?
As her mind swept with thoughts of unfairness, someone knocked softly on the door. "Lady Merril?" Called a soft yet determined voice. "Is anyone home?" Continued the voice. Merril looked annoyed. "Who is it?" She finally replied. "A friend." Another one of Varric's, most probably. "Tell Varric I'm fine. He doesn't have to keep checking up on me." She didn't hear footsteps so she continued. "Are you still there?" Now she heard a little chuckle. "Yes, my lady." She didn't like the tone of his voice. "Did you hear what I just say?" Another chuckle. "I'm sorry my lady, but wasn't master Tethras that sent me here. Was another one." Somehow, she found herself wondering, hoping even. "Who?" This time, there was no chuckle. "One like us. An elf. He'd like to make you an offer."