Title: We Are Broken
Rating: T
Characters: Sebastian, Nick
Summary: A near-death experience that he has no memory of has left Sebastian feeling worse than ever. In the middle of the night, when it all becomes too much, Nick is there to save him. Warnings inside. Nickbastian. Post high school.
Warnings: Depiction of PTSD, references to self-harm and depression
Disclaimer: I do not own Sebastian or Nick, they're RIB's brainchildren. The lyrics are also not mine; they belong to whoever's in charge of Paramore's lyrics.
A/N: So this has the potential to be the start of a new verse but I'm not making any promises. If I do write anything else, I will say they're a part of the "We Are Broken" verse or something along those lines. "We Are Broken verse" would be the tag to track on tumblr if you're interested.
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WE ARE BROKEN
'Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again
'Cause we just wanna be whole
.
It shouldn't have been having this effect on him. Barely anything even happened. It was meant to be a routine surgery. They didn't know he was allergic to the painkillers. It wasn't anyone's fault.
But he could have died. It could have all been over. He wouldn't have had to worry about graduating or going to college or finding work or growing up. It could have all just been over.
It wouldn't have even been his fault. That was the most alluring part of it all. If the damn nurses hadn't called the code and saved him, it would have all been over. He could have died by accident and no one would hate him for it.
Now he had to escape again.
He clenched his eyes shut and grabbed fistfuls of the sheets as imagined pain rolled through him. He could feel them pulling the IV from his arm. Redressing the wound. Sitting up for the first time. Standing. Those first few painstaking steps.
He could feel the tears slipping down his cheeks, could hear his ragged gasps as his breath caught in his throat. He felt hands gripping his shoulders and heard voices calling his name but it was dark. There was so much space between him and salvation and he didn't know how to find it.
"Sebastian! 'Bas, look at me!"
He could see the hospital room clear as day. The nurses standing around the bed when he woke. Remembered people asking questions. Doesn't remember telling them to "fuck off" but everyone says he did.
No one even told him what had happened. Not his mother. Not his father. Not the nurses. He had found out when his mother was on the phone talking to his sister, telling her what had happened.
Light flooded his vision and his eyes hurt. His head was pounding and he could feel lips against his own. Hands on his cheeks and someone leaning over him. He opens his eyes and sees Nick through his tears. He throws his arms around Nick and holds him tight.
"I saw it all! Felt it all! Why does this keep happening, Nick?! What's wrong with me?!"
Nick rocked Sebastian gently as he rubbed his back and pressed kisses to his hair. "There's nothing wrong with you, 'Bas. Everything's going to be okay. I'm right here, nothing can hurt you."
Sebastian curled into Nick and let his boyfriend lay him down and wrap in a blanket. Nick lay down beside Sebastian, watching sadly as he cried. Nick pushed Sebastian's hair out of his face before slipping his hand under the covers to wind around Sebastian's waist.
"Talk to me, baby," Nick murmured. "Can you tell me what happened?"
"It's the same thing! It's always the same thing!" Sebastian gasped, shaking his head. "I just start thinking about it and I can't stop… It's in my dreams. I can feel it sometimes… I just want it to stop."
Nick pressed a kiss to Sebastian's forehead. "Are you in pain?" It had been seven months but he knew the pain still wreaked havoc on Sebastian's nerves.
"I'm always in pain," Sebastian answered resignedly as he sniffled. It was more or less true. If it wasn't his back it was his legs. If it wasn't his legs it was his arms. If it wasn't his arms it was his head. And if it wasn't his head or anything else, something usually made itself hurt just to punish him.
"And the urges?" Nick asked, knowing his nervousness was evident in his tone.
"I'll be fine," Sebastian murmured unconvincingly. Sebastian almost dying had only made the depression worse. The depression being worse had made the self-harm worse too. Though Nick had noticed it was less frequent despite being more severe when it did happen.
"You know you can wake me if you need me, right?"
"I know," Sebastian said with a smile.
"I love you," Nick murmured as he carefully stroked his fingers over the scar on Sebastian's back.
The other boy winced noticeably but didn't otherwise react. "I love you too, Nick."
The surgery might have saved Sebastian but it had broken so much more than it had fixed.
.
.
A/N: And that's that… This is probably the most personal thing I've ever translated to fic. I'm not going to say what happened though because it's a little bit complicated. I won't elaborate on what kind of surgery Seb had either because let's face it, my medical fic isn't that great/accurate hahaha. But thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it :) And I'm sorry that I haven't come through on those Second Chance verse fics I promised, it IS on my to-do list – it just hasn't been done yet :p Thanks again lovelies 3 –Em xoxox
Song: We Are Broken - Paramore