Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters, Harry Potter places, Harry Potter ideals or Harry Potter plots. I do not own Thanksgiving, fruit or Turkey (country and bird). I do own everything that I didn't mention above… except your cat… or dog... wOOt.

Summary: A one shot off of the one shots of how Voldie really expires in the Thanksgiving spirit.

Warning: There will be extreme insanity ahead. If you are affected by bouts of giggling fits, you may want a pillow handy in case you fall off your chair.

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How the Harry Potter Series Really Ends – Thanksgiving Edition

By: Kadasa Mori

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--- In Pursuit of… Turkey? ---

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"SEVERUS!" Severus Snape sighed heavily as a high pitched yell rang through the Death Eater hideout. He made his way towards the Dark Lord's throne. The evil being was pouting. "Severus. There you are."

He bowed deeply, kissing the hem of his robes. "What do you need my Lord?"

"To further the elimination of these disgusting muggles, I would like to know more about them. Find out about this… 'Thanksgiving' I've heard of. Go."

"Yes my lord." He stood and stepped back, disapparating.

Voldemort smirked wickedly and rubbed his hands evilly. "My plans are coming together."

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Snape returned two days later. "My lord. I've found the information you desired."

Voldemort looked over, half a cookie hanging from his mouth. "Meh?" The Potions Master just stared, a blank look on his face while Voldemort finished munching his cookie. "What?"

"The…um…" He blinked then shook his head quickly. "The information on the muggles."

Voldemort blinked a few times then grinned wickedly. "This 'Thanksgiving'?!"

"Yes my lord."

"Wonderful!" He leapt to his feet. "Tell me."

"This Thanksgiving apparently takes place in America. It's a celebration of thanks and… stuff. They eat a big dinner with friends and family, watch football and sleep."

"Hm… this celebration doesn't sound half bad," Voldemort murmured then scowled darkly at Snape. "You didn't hear that."

Snape pushed a look of innocence onto his face. "Hear what my lord?"

"That's right." Voldemort crossed his arms with a nod then turned back to Snape. "What do these muggles eat?"

"Mashed potatoes, vegetables and their main dish is turkey."

"Turkey?"

"Yes my lord."

"Find me a turkey!"

"Yes my lord."

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"My lord?"

Voldemort tapped his chin then placed the last puzzle piece into its spot before turning to Malfoy who had just walked in. "What?"

"Severus has brought the… turkey."

"Yay-er, I mean, it's about time!" He stomped out into the next room and found the Death Eaters crowded around a spot. "Move!" he bellowed and they quickly stepped out of the way.

He froze as he spotted the thing in the middle of the circle. The dark bird with a wrinkled red head and neck stared at him. Snake and bird stared at each other for a long, long moment.

"My lord?" He turned to Bellatrix. "Are… you all right my lord?"

He raised a hand and pointed. "What is that?"

"That's a turkey my lord," Snape answered.

"Muggle eat these?" Voldemort asked, face wrinkling in disgust.

"Um… no my lord. They kill it first." Lucius raised his wand. "Shall I?"

"No! Killing is my specialty! AvadaKedavra"

The green light sped at the monster who stepped to the side and watched it whiz past its wrinkled face. They all stared.

Someone scratched their head while another shifted. Outside a moth gently landed on a beautiful flower before being flattened by a falling bird.

The monster stared at them then shuddered and let out a hideous scream before charging Voldemort. The Dark Lord shrieked loudly and turned, running away, arms above his head.

"GET IT AWAY! GET! IT! AWAY!!!!!!!"

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Harry Potter, his two best friends and the entire Order of the Phoenix stood on the edge of Hogsmeade. He stared at the sky, thoughts drifting. A hand landed on his shoulder and he looked back at his best mate. The red head grinned. "We're here for you."

He sent him a shaky smile. His wand shook for a moment in the messy haired boy's hand, before he tightened his grasp and took a step forward. He paused as he heard screaming.

A moment later a pale faced and crying Dark Lord raced towards them, hands still in the air. "SAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" he screamed, hiding behind Harry who blinked. He grabbed the back of his robes, shaking him slightly. "You're hero of the world! Save me!!!"

"V…Voldemort?"

He scowled. "It's Dark Lord to you Potter!!!"

"GOOBLE!!!"

He squealed. "Call me whatever you want! Just kill it!!!"

"… it's a turkey…"

Voldemort's eyes watered. "I know!" he squeaked. "Just kill it!"

Harry just stared incredulously at him. Voldemort stared at the turkey and the turkey stared back. "Are you for real?" Harry asked.

"Yes. Last time I checked."

Harry blinked. "If you're really Voldemort and you'd do anything for me to rid this turkey of the world, you'd take a wizarding oath to never hurt or kill anyone ever again."

"Done! Just get rid it!"

A bright light burst between their wands and Harry turned casting a spell sending the turkey somewhere else. Voldemort squealed in joy. "Yay! Er- I mean, ha! Thank you Potter! Now I shall kill you!"

Harry smirked. "You can't."

"Can so! Avada Kedavra!" His wand gave a feeble squeak and a pineapple appeared in his hands. "Pineapple?! I did not order pineapple you stupid excuse for wood! I asked for death! Avada Kedavra... Lemon?! I did not ask for a lemon!!!"

Harry grinned wickedly and tossed his arms in the air. "The battle is over!"

The Order of the Phoenix cheered, lifting Harry and bringing him back to the castle while Voldemort repeatedly shouted the curse and was slowly covered in fruit.

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Two weeks later, the London police were called to the scene of a man shrieking in laughter at the frozen turkey section of the grocery store, screaming "AH HA HA HA!!! TAKE THAT YOU EVIL, EVIL DEMON! AH HA HA HAAAAA!" When they tried to calm him down he began throwing cans of gravy at them.

Harry Potter happened to be walking by with Ginny Weasley chatting at his arm when the doors to the grocery store shattered into a million pieces, Voldemort rolling out then racing away screaming and laughing hysterically. "You'll never take me alive!"

A dozen police officers raced after him, shouting into their radios "Need help! Resisting arrest!"

The two Gryffindors just stared down the street, watching the horror unfold and wondering whether sparing him was the brightest of ideas.

"Ah ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaa! Avada Kedavra! Owie! Citrus in my ai-yeeeeeeee!"

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Author's Note: Happy (late) Thanksgiving everybody! I hope you all enjoyed your turkey dinners and gained ten pounds, then slept it off!!!!

For some reason imagining Voldemort fleeing from a rampaging turkey makes me giggle. XDDD I know I didn't kill him but I figured a horrible fear of turkeys and a fruit juice in the eye was good enough!

Kadasa Mori