Ok so I know there's an update due for my other fic but I just start writing this and I didn't stop so I said I'd upload it. I'm not 100% happy with it but I knew if i didn't upload now I never would. I was going to explain some of the paragraphs etc but I'd like to know what you all think so maybe if you could please review and I can post another chapter addressing some of the reviews? Anyways I'll leave it up to you guys. Enjoy xx My Darling Peter, I wrote you a letter because I there's so much I need to say - and so much you need to hear. You can burn after reading I really don't care but I want you to know how much you've hurt me and destroyed me! When I try to talk to you it's as if you have a hold over me and I feel sympathy for you and you don't deserve that. Before you read on I want you to remember I love you, I always have, and I always will but I can't take you back. I know your sorry you've told me a thousand times now but I can't and will not allow my self to be hurt again. Let me start at the beginning if you don't mind... I suppose I should mention Paul Connor - I fell in love with his brother Liam before I even became friends with Paul. I guess you could say we were doomed from the start and as much as I knew it I tried to make it work and in true Carla Connor style it didn't! I became tangled up in a web of lies and depict, I had to hide the truth about dean from Michelle and I helped cover up the death of a woman at the factory... Paul cheated on me with hookers left right and centre but the thing that finished him off ended up being your future wife.. Ironic really isn't it?! I guess you can almost say you and I were doomed from the start.. Is that irony? I don't know. I know what your thinking and I know what your defence is going to be - I chased a married man when I slept with Liam... Yes I did peter and I done the same with you but I am not and I repeat NOT like that tramp I found you in our bed with! You and I were different. I can't describe it but I thought we were meant to be so losing my best friend for you at the time seemed worth it and this is what happens. That's karma I guess. Liam and I belonged together. We were perfection and I often wonder what would have happened if he had of lived... Did you know every 9th or 10th "business meeting" I penciled in the diary and insisted I attend alone was fake? Did you never wonder why nothing materialised from them? I went to his grave peter... I went and I sat and I told him all my news I asked him questions I just couldn't bring my self to ask anyone else... I told him about my baby.. Our baby before I got the courage to tell you darling. I have never felt the way I felt for Liam for anyone - until I met you. You completed me. You were my knight in shining leather jacket baby. But in saying that... The one time I needed a drink more then anything and I couldn't drink - who's the first person I wanted to talk to?! A dead man peter. I still see his face, ya know? I'm sorry if that upsets ya. But he was the love of my life. I don't know why I'm telling you all this I don't want to anger you peter I just need you to know... And, well, understand I suppose but please don't think that I consider my feelings for you as any less significant, he was my one. He was THE one and as much as I tried to replace him in my life there was always a place in my heart for Liam. He hated me being with Paul from the very start - hence the sniping between us and the silly arguments. Michelle used to always comment on it "we have been the thorn in each other's side since Paul brought me home" it was only afterwards that they all understood why. I've always hated myself for not doing the right thing and just leaving Paul and making a go of things with Liam. He would still be here today yano.. Whether he was with me or Maria or Leanne for gods sake as much as it would have killed me he would have still been alive! I want to explain a little but about my upbringing peter because it's not something we spoke about often. My mum wasn't the easiest of people to live with. I used to get more affection from the neighbours dog! We never had much money, and when we did mum had earned by selling some dodgy stuff from the back of our Rob's pram. I don't blame her anymore. Since I found out I was pregnant and I got my head around the idea I realised just how much I would do for my own baby. Our baby. She was just doing what she thought were best for us. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better mum to Simon. But believe me when I say, I really did try. If Saint Leanne had of just buggered off with nick then maybe peter but I really don't know. I never pictures myself being a mother. And I regret what I said to Leanne that day about only wanting you and not simon... I would have done anything for him peter because he was a part a you and I loved you so so much. I don't think I've ever worked so hard at something before. And it was all for you baby. Some might say you melted the ice queen. That's how much you meant to me. I suppose I should seen the flashing red sings when SHE was so good with him and how much you admired her. But silly me trusted you like I have done with many men before. But not again. Not ever again. As awful as it sounds In my eyes it were easier to outsource him to her then deal with him and it kept you both happy! That's the business woman coming through in me. I have sacrificed so much for you, and there isn't another man on this planet who I would have done that for. I loved you so much, Peter Barlow. You got right under my skin - do you Remember how I used to tell you that? I just couldn't get you out of my head! I don't want to apologise for breaking up your family. I just can't. In my head If I apologised for that, then it would be like saying sorry for the last few years and I can't do that because those were some of the best and happiest times of my life. Our wedding peter. For gods sake as much as it scared me the thoughts of a wedding considering what happened the last time I was due to get married. I was the happiest id ever been that day. How the relationship ended hurt me but I will treasure those memories we shared until the day I die. Im sorry If I hurt simon and upset him peter he doesn't deserve that always remember you're a great dad to that little boy, and don't you ever forget that. As for tony... Good oul reliable tony. The man who was so sick and twisted that he actually convinced me it was my fault... He put Liam's blood on my hands! He made me believe it was fault he murdered him, oh sorry I can't say that - he ordered his murder. The man I loved lay in the middle of a road lifeless, hours after I told him I didn't love him.. Maria lay beside him telling him she was carrying their child as she lost her husband, well peter now I know how she feels. He held me hostage, he held a gun to my head and I almost died peter all because I loved Liam. Karma. That's a strange thing. I never told you about dean Liam and Paul did I? Paul was driving when dean died and they put dean in the driver seat because he was dead already. They saved themselves. Then Paul died in a car crash and Liam turned to me and Michelle and said it was karma for how dean died. And he sat and wondered if he would go the same way? And well, you know the rest... It was such a shock when I discovered I was pregnant. I tried to pretend it didn't exist and Michelle convinced me I needed to step up so I did and I told you... I thought it would complete us? Although I didn't think we had an issue I remember before we went away talking about having a kid and it wasn't right then but I thought now everything would be ok... But what do you do? What does Peter Barlow do best? You fell off the wagon only this time it was into a tarts bed rather then down the local off licence or backstreet boozer... I would a rathered you been drunk for a year then fall into bed with her. But then again you did tell me that it had been going on a while. We were only married what... 6 hours peter and you couldn't resist? Is that what happened. Were you scared that that was it now? Is that what pushed you into her arms? That night you tried to explain it all to me. I nearly got sick, I said I wanted to know but I couldn't handle it. I couldn't listen. But you were trying to justify your actions. There is no justification. You know what? I know I said I've never wanted kids and could never picture meself as a mother but, something changed after I took that test. I was terrified at first, but when I really thought about it I went calm because I remembered it was with you peter Barlow and I felt safe and calm. For the first time in my life I actually could see me being a mother. I wanted, with all my heart, to make it work. I wanted to be the mother I never had, but always wanted. Now that will never happen and that's you fault. It's both your faults. When I came home to find you and HER I'd never felt so humiliated, so worthless, so completely and utterly defeated - and that's saying something peter. Because you know what's happened to be in the past yet you topped that! Well done you. Congratulations. Take a bow. And then there's Trev, who left when the going got tough. He was the most normal bloke. Real down to earth. He came to the rescue after tony. He was very like Liam. I clung to him and there was just enough likeness for a relationship but it didn't last. In the cold light of day it wasn't enough. But we had fun and he kept me occupied for a while. And along came Frank he ruined me in ways I didn't even imagine were possible. I never imagined what he did could happen to me. All of that happened because of you. Because I loved you. In a way I should have resented you for pushing me away and into his arms. For been in my face and for making me love you. But no, I loved you so much that I carried on I accepted what happened was just something that needed to happen in order for us to be together! I would take the pain of what frank did to me 100 times over to wipe away the memory of seeing you in our bed with her! Of all the people who have tried to destroy me over the years I've got back up. I've pulled myself together. I've survived. I've managed up to now and only you have managed it successfully... Which is strange because you usually fail at anything you attempt to do. I hope that gives you the sense of accomplishment you've obviously been craving since god knows when peter. I don't think I've ever loved anyone quite as much as I loved you. You know me better than I know meself sometimes. Its going to kill me not being able to hold you, kiss you, love you. But it was even worse seeing you with her. After everthing we had been through together. After everything I had been put through in order to get you. You know exactly what I'm talking about, or who, I should say. You were the one there to witness the sleepless nights from the never ending nightmares of what that... animal, put me through after all. I was raped because I loved you. All I wanted in return... all I wanted was you baby. I just wanted to be with you. I wanted you to support me the same way I supported you. And I wanted you to love me, like I loved you. But I guess it were too much to ask for, wasn't it? I don't even know what I'm trying to accomplish writing this. I am sorry I couldn't give you what you wanted. What she obviously could. I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy. Whatever she gave you that I couldn't. What was it peter... The thrill? The rush? The excitement? The secrets? The sex? The love? The intimacy? Did she understand you? Did she make you feel like a man? Did you feel good bedding a young one half your age? Did it make you feel like the hero? Poor Tina... Peter to the rescue? Was I not needy enough anymore? Was she the Best you ever had? Don't make me laugh. I hope you two are happy together peter how ever long it may last peter until someone else comes along that needs you more. I don't think I was ever good enough for you... I had a scan yesterday and our baby's doing well. She's the reason I get out of bed in the morning she's the reason I have to live. She's given me so much hope for my future peter and if I didn't have her id have given up by now. I hope one day Simon can meet her and even though I'm not living around there anymore I'll find a way to get in touch. I'm not sure what I'll do when she realises all her friends at nursery and school have a daddy and all she has is a mummy. I'll think of something when the time comes. When she's old enough I'll tell her the truth... I'll explain to her that I just wasn't enough for her daddy and that he has a very addictive personality and he couldn't resist the barmaid. I'll apologise to her for not trying to work it out but when I tell her everything else I'm sure she will understand. If she's wants, when she's old enough and she wants to meet you I'll take her back to weatherfield to you and I'll let you explain your side of the story... Goodbye x