Summary: Dean's thoughts the night Sam left for college. One-shot.

Disclaimer: 'Tis Kripke's.

"Accept loss forever."
-Jack Kerouac

I hate when they fight. When Dad and Sam fight, it's like I'm being torn apart inside, and I never know which of them to side with. I never know what I should do. And tonight is the worst fight yet. They're glaring at each other as they shout, each trying to make their points, and I'm just standing there, in between them as always, struggling over how to handle things, wishing they would shut up and make up. Wishing they would just apologize to one another.

"Sam! You are betraying this family!" Dad screams.

"Why? Because I'm going to college?" Sam exclaims.

I wish I knew what to say. I wish I could get them to stop fighting, just for this one night. I wish Dad would realize that Sam is leaving tonight. And if he keeps this up, Sammy might not come back. I wouldn't be able to take that.

And then Sam storms into the room we share (and how pathetic is it that I'm 22 years old and still sharing a room with my 18-year-old brother?). I follow him, hoping the two can simmer down and make up.

"He doesn't understand that I don't want this life! Why can't he see that not everyone wants to hunt for a living?" Sam cries.

"He's trying, Sam," I reply. "He doesn't know what to do." I don't know what to do.

"Why can't he just be proud of me? I got a full ride, Dean!"

"I know." I'm proud of you.

Sam looks down and keeps his gaze on the floor. "I'm not trying to make him mad. I just want him to understand."

"Sam, it's just hard for him," I say.

"Why?" I feel like he's five again, asking me all these damn questions that I don't know the answers to.

"I don't know," I admit. He starts shoving his clothes into his bag.

"I hate him," he mutters.

Sometimes I do too. "Sammy, please," I don't know what else to say.

"I don't care if he doesn't 'approve' of me going," Sam growls. "I mean, he's such a jerk, Dean!"

I decide to help him pack as he rants, even though I don't want him to go. I walk over, and fold his shirts. Sam watches me.

"Thanks Dean," he offers a smile. "You don't have to, though." He reaches out to take the shirt from me.

"No, no, I want to," I slap his hand away, and continue. I want to take care of you.

"He won't just shut up and listen to me. Just once I wish he would hear me out," Sam sighs. I wish you guys would hear me out, too. I wish you would both shut the hell up and listen to me. But you're both too stubborn to listen to anyone.

Packing doesn't take long enough. Suddenly all of Sam's junk is stuffed into a couple bags and he's going to leave. He's really going to leave.

A thousand thoughts run through my mind. Tell him you need him. Tell him you'll miss him, and you want him to stay, or at least call a lot. I open my mouth to say something, but he doesn't notice. He's already in the other room.

When I get out there, he's about to walk out. Dad's standing there, looking pissed.

"If you walk out that door, you better not come back!" he yells. And I feel like my world is crumbling. No Dad! Take it back! Tell him you didn't mean it, and that you want to talk to him every day. Please, say something.

Sam looks back at him, an angry look placed firmly on his face, and then walks out. It's raining, and I'm not letting him walk in that to the bus stop. I grab the keys to the Impala and hurry out after him, ignoring Dad shouting to me not to.

"Sammy, I'll give you a ride," I offer. Sam climbs in. The ride is mostly silent. Led Zeppelin is on the radio- the familiar tune of When the Levee Breaks drifting through the car. And then we pull up to the bus stop.

I look over at him, "Hey Sammy, take care of yourself, OK? Be careful." I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you.

"I will," he nods. We look at each other for a long time. "Goodbye Dean."

"Wait- not goodbye, OK? See you later," I try to grin.

One side of his mouth quirks upward, and he almost smiles, "See you later, Dean."

"Love you little brother." More than you know. And then he does smile.

"I love you too, Dean." But then he's gone.

I fight the tears threatening to fall. "See you later, Sammy."

A/N: Sad one, yes. But one of my favorite of my stories so far! Please review! :)