Heartbreak and Memories
By MIsha
Disclaimer- I so don't own Gossip Girl, though it'd be awesome if I did. However, it all belongs to people with more money than me and I'm not making any money off this, so please don't sue me.
Author's Notes- This is an angsty one-shot, because I love Gossip Girl and I especially love Chuck. This is a depressing look into Chuck's mindset far in the future (though honestly I'm hoping for a happy Chuck/Blair future). Enjoy!
Pairings- Chuck/Blair, Chuck/Serena, Chuck/Nate
Summery- He tries to stick to redheads, because everything else reminds him of those that he loved and lost...
Spoilers- Up to "Woman on the Verge".
Rating- PG-13
When he was sober, Chuck Bass made a point of only picking up redheaded women.
It was easier that way. In his sober, sane moments he preferred to stick to his pattern and avoid the ugly memories.
Chuck wasn't a particularly self-aware man, but he understood survival. For him, surviving meant not remembering.
So, redheads it was, because they didn't remind him of anything. Chuck didn't like being reminded of things.
Forgetting was so much easier.
When Chuck was drunk or high, all bets were off.
When he was drunk, he couldn't forget. It was then that the memories haunted him and he tried to fight them, tried to erase them, or simply tried to relive them. It was times like these, that were the most dangerous.
Because when he was drunk, he never stuck to redheads. No... It those moments, he didn't want to avoid the past and the people in it, he wanted to recapture it, and he was always drawn to the echoes of that past...
Sometimes he went home with blonde women with beautiful faces and hard bodies. Women who might be witty and charming and beautiful, but who could never capture the sass, spirit and energy of Serena Van der Woodsen.
He buried himself in whichever blonde graced his bed, thinking of one who never had. Honestly, he hadn't wanted her in that way, though he'd like to push her buttons, because she'd been Serena and he was Chuck and that was it.
Still, he fucked a blonde whose name he never bothered to learn and pretended it was Serena. Pretended that bad girls could turn good and stay that way, that the past didn't catch up with them in the end.
Pretend that Serena Van der Woodsen hadn't died of a drug overdose at the age of 21, a victim of her own demons. Pretend that her escaping her demons, hadn't increased Chuck's...
Other nights, he went home with beautiful boys with solid bodies and caring eyes. Boys that were pretty to look at, but who could never be Nate Archibald.
Chuck didn't mind admitting he occasionally fancied men, but it was hard to admit that he might have had a thing for his former best friend.
For a long time, Nate had been the only person Chuck really cared about and whenever he fucked some beautiful boy, he pretended it was Nate with him. He always tried to force closeness in these encounters, because that's what he missed with Nate, the closeness.
Sometimes, he was able to convince himself for a moment, that Nate was with him, that they're friendship hadn't ended years ago in bitter words and recriminations. That they hadn't fallen in love with the same girl and both lost out.
It was easier to try and forget. To pretend, for just a moment, that it was all the way it used to be...
Almost never did Chuck get drunk enough to pick up a brunette, but once in a while when the pain was really bad or the memories too intense to forget, he'd slip and find some beautiful brunette with classic features and icy smiles. Women who could break hearts, but could never come close to being anything that Blair Waldorf was.
Sometimes, Chuck would fuck the nameless brunette in his bed hard as punishment for another woman's crimes, but more often, he'd make love to her gently and slowly, the way he wished he could make love to Blair.
He'd pretend it was Blair in his bed and in his arms, that Blair loved him, like he'd always loved her. He'd pretend that she hadn't rejected him, that he hadn't ruined her and pushed her away forever. He'd pretend that she wasn't Mrs. Dan Humphrey.
He'd never have Blair again, but sometimes, he just needed to pretend that things had worked out differently and he'd gotten his happy ending...
Blondes, beautiful boys, and brunettes. They were Chuck Bass' poison. Portals to memories he'd rather forget, a life long abandoned.
He was an eternal playboy, not pinned down to anything, but only because there was no one worth staying for. They'd all left him.
Serena had abandoned them all and gone to a place they couldn't follow. Nate had just simply abandoned the UES and was living life far away from it all. Blair... She was still there, still the UES queen, but she was change and she was nothing to do with him.
When he was sober, he pretended not to care, maintained the facade of the carefree playboy, but when he drank...
It was then that he allowed himself to miss them, to let himself remember, to still love them.
In those moments, in his mind, he was still a teenager and they were still four. Still young, still beautiful, still together.
But the truth was, high school had ended long ago, the others had moved on and he, he was left alone. With only the heartbreak and memories, for those would never leave him.
- Fin